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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband says he wants to leave me

37 replies

Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 12:22

My husband has said it’s over. It’s largely related to my lack of want for intimacy. He has raised it before, but says this is it now.
I get it, but I have no desire for sex, none. I had gynaecological cancer last year and have had everything removed so surgical menopause and can’t have HRT. My want is gone. Before that I was in the throes of young children, emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. But I tried to meet his needs 2/3 a month.
We have been through so much together. Our lives have not been easy, prior to the cancer we had a few life changing traumatic events. I love him but I can’t seem to fix it.

I carry the mental load but everything else is 50:50. Oh gosh I’m so sad.

OP posts:
historyismything82 · 23/01/2026 12:25

Oh bless you, big hugs.

Your DH doesn't sound very supportive in the slightest - you have been through so much. Does he realise how selfish he is! I'm fuming for you.

Original poster
Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 12:29

historyismything82 · 23/01/2026 12:25

Oh bless you, big hugs.

Your DH doesn't sound very supportive in the slightest - you have been through so much. Does he realise how selfish he is! I'm fuming for you.

Thank you. I hadn’t thought of it that way really. I’m a strong person so I suspect he doesn’t appreciate how much this has changed me.

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 23/01/2026 12:34

from a 2009 study which found, “A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient,”

Just another shit man who abandons his wife after a cancer diagnosis.
Can you speak to any of the healthcare providers to access counselling? The illness, operation, menopause and now what this man is doing are all hugely distressing life events, you need help processing it all.

See a solicitor so you gain knowledge and can plan a happy, new, joyful life rid of the man. A co-parenting app means you don't have to have any interaction with him by text, calls or emails.
Stop providing anything for him, from today.
Soon you will find rightful anger and use this to detach from him entirely. No more of your headspace, emotions, words or care.

Tosca23 · 23/01/2026 12:40

It sounds like you are going through a very tough situation, with your not wanting physical intimacy because of the traumatic health problem you've experienced and your husband wanting or needing that physical aspect in a relationship.

Both are very human experiences, but if not resolvable, it may mean that your marriage no longer works for the both of you.

Maybe though there is some middle ground that you can both find, if you both still love and care for one another. Is the love still there on both sides? Have you thought about couples counselling?

Frankenpug23 · 23/01/2026 12:45

I am so sorry this is happening. Sending a big hug to you xx

I cannot believe what a self centred, heartless prick your H is. You have been through so much with the cancer diagnosis and treatment- and you have young children. and all he is thinking about is sex and himself. I am furious for you! He is a disgusting piece of shit!!

See a solicitor, ensure you have all the information you need about finances etc and please get yourself some support in real life. Talk to friends/ counsellor etc and get the people that can help and support you wrapped around you and the DC’s.

Original poster
Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 12:48

I struggled with intimacy before the diagnosis. I’m not one to be hugging on the sofa or holding hands. I show my love for him for sure but not by holding hands. I really did try to meet his needs a few times a month. Really it was the last thing I wanted to do in the hour or so I got to myself after the kids went to bed. Of course he had raised that long before the diagnosis. Ultimately things have only got worse because of everything that happened with surgeries and chemo.

so he says he can’t go on like this. He massively lacks empathy so won’t be able to think that this alongside everything else will be hard for me. Because this predates (although not as bad) the diagnosis. Of course to an outsider it is clear - you don’t leave someone for being unable to have sex as she recovers from gynaecological cancer.

No chance of couples counselling unfortunately.

OP posts:
SquishySquashyWishyWashy · 23/01/2026 13:09

Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 12:48

I struggled with intimacy before the diagnosis. I’m not one to be hugging on the sofa or holding hands. I show my love for him for sure but not by holding hands. I really did try to meet his needs a few times a month. Really it was the last thing I wanted to do in the hour or so I got to myself after the kids went to bed. Of course he had raised that long before the diagnosis. Ultimately things have only got worse because of everything that happened with surgeries and chemo.

so he says he can’t go on like this. He massively lacks empathy so won’t be able to think that this alongside everything else will be hard for me. Because this predates (although not as bad) the diagnosis. Of course to an outsider it is clear - you don’t leave someone for being unable to have sex as she recovers from gynaecological cancer.

No chance of couples counselling unfortunately.

He sounds like he's better out of your life anyway. Except from demanding sex like his life depends on it and from not supporting you through cancer recovery, chemo side effects, the mental load etc., does he bring anything to your life?

GoldDuster · 23/01/2026 13:15

Tosca23 · 23/01/2026 12:40

It sounds like you are going through a very tough situation, with your not wanting physical intimacy because of the traumatic health problem you've experienced and your husband wanting or needing that physical aspect in a relationship.

Both are very human experiences, but if not resolvable, it may mean that your marriage no longer works for the both of you.

Maybe though there is some middle ground that you can both find, if you both still love and care for one another. Is the love still there on both sides? Have you thought about couples counselling?

A couples counsellor would need a magic want to entice me to stay with a man who had ended our marriage a year after a gynaecological cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery.

Don't spend a penny of your money or a minute of your energy trying to dance around getting this to "work", let him leave now. See a solicitor, arrange yourself in the best position and let him go. You are worth more than this, what a shitty thing to have to deal with OP.

Find all the support you can and take it with both hands.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 23/01/2026 13:26

So what you're saying is that cancer is a contributing factor, but not th eonly, or even the main, factor and therefore you understand why he wants to leave you.

Okay, I think that's insanely harsh of him, but fair enough - sex is important and for a number of reasons, it's just not on your to-do list.

But I don't see why ou should make this easy for him. I find it fascinating tha tyou say you do the mental load but otherwise it's 50:50. I think that's very very unlikely, or even if it is - eg you clean the batghroom exactly 50% of the time, you're hugely underestimating how much time and effort the mental load takes.

So don't organise this separation. Don't do the work. He wants to leave? Fine, he can eave. He wants divorce? Fine, he can seek a divorce. He wants to separate assets? Fine, he can make aproposal of what that looks like. The only thing I'd be insisting on is that he starts taking real 50/50 for the kdis etc. Because he clearly has zero empahty and is a dick.

TwoTuesday · 23/01/2026 13:28

That is so tough for you and he doesn't sound like he's got your back or supported you with all your health issues either. What a blow on top of everything else.
Concentrate on yourself and your health now, get legal advice and all that, so you get the best financial outcome you can. Don't waste time begging him to stay or doing any of his washing etc, if you do that.
If he wants to leave for sex, let him, you didn't want to have sex with him so you were right not to do it. If it's that important to him he's right to leave too, though. Doesn't make him a monster. Just leave him to it, you are not at fault.

bumptybum · 23/01/2026 13:34

Sanasaaa · 23/01/2026 12:34

from a 2009 study which found, “A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient,”

Just another shit man who abandons his wife after a cancer diagnosis.
Can you speak to any of the healthcare providers to access counselling? The illness, operation, menopause and now what this man is doing are all hugely distressing life events, you need help processing it all.

See a solicitor so you gain knowledge and can plan a happy, new, joyful life rid of the man. A co-parenting app means you don't have to have any interaction with him by text, calls or emails.
Stop providing anything for him, from today.
Soon you will find rightful anger and use this to detach from him entirely. No more of your headspace, emotions, words or care.

Edited

I think this may be harsh. The cancer was terrible and has had a lasting effect on the OPs libido but the OP says intimacy/sex was not really much present throughout years of having small children. So it sounds like the lack of physical relations has been going on far longer than just since the cancer.

leaving someone because there is no physical intimacy is not the same as leaving because of illness

Original poster
Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 13:36

ReadingCrimeFiction · 23/01/2026 13:26

So what you're saying is that cancer is a contributing factor, but not th eonly, or even the main, factor and therefore you understand why he wants to leave you.

Okay, I think that's insanely harsh of him, but fair enough - sex is important and for a number of reasons, it's just not on your to-do list.

But I don't see why ou should make this easy for him. I find it fascinating tha tyou say you do the mental load but otherwise it's 50:50. I think that's very very unlikely, or even if it is - eg you clean the batghroom exactly 50% of the time, you're hugely underestimating how much time and effort the mental load takes.

So don't organise this separation. Don't do the work. He wants to leave? Fine, he can eave. He wants divorce? Fine, he can seek a divorce. He wants to separate assets? Fine, he can make aproposal of what that looks like. The only thing I'd be insisting on is that he starts taking real 50/50 for the kdis etc. Because he clearly has zero empahty and is a dick.

Well no you are right I can’t say for sure it’s 50:50 but there are somethings he does entirely and some that I do entirely so it probably works out even. But yes I know the mental load does take more, which is probably a reason why intimacy has been more difficult for me as I’ve had too many things going on in my head. I can’t hand things over as the ball gets dropped, missed or delayed.

You read my mind! I am not going to lift a finger. We sold a house together before and I did it all as he is just incompetent in arranging anything. I won’t do anything to sort that and we will have to sell to afford our own places.

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 23/01/2026 13:37

bumptybum · 23/01/2026 13:34

I think this may be harsh. The cancer was terrible and has had a lasting effect on the OPs libido but the OP says intimacy/sex was not really much present throughout years of having small children. So it sounds like the lack of physical relations has been going on far longer than just since the cancer.

leaving someone because there is no physical intimacy is not the same as leaving because of illness

Show quote history

Yeah him saying 'this is it now' and having frequent sex he knew was unwanted is indefensible, personally.

I found OP saying she met the man's 'needs' despite not wanting to really disturbing and incredibly sad.

GoldDuster · 23/01/2026 13:39

bumptybum · 23/01/2026 13:34

I think this may be harsh. The cancer was terrible and has had a lasting effect on the OPs libido but the OP says intimacy/sex was not really much present throughout years of having small children. So it sounds like the lack of physical relations has been going on far longer than just since the cancer.

leaving someone because there is no physical intimacy is not the same as leaving because of illness

Show quote history

No but one doesn't cancel out the other. He might have been poised to end it just before the cancer diagnosis, what did he do, make a deal with himself to give it another year post op and then pull the trigger because intimacy trumps supporting the mother of his children in this situation?

This is bare minimum stuff and he's made his priority clear. Let him go.

slumdogminulet · 23/01/2026 13:39

Your post made me feel desperately sad. Gynae cancer must have been awful, and the surgical menopause a massive thing to deal with physically on top of that. I can't imagine your body has even the slightest interest in sex and it's awful your partner can't see that. Surely kindness and care is all you need. I have no advice but really feel for you.

Frog99 · 23/01/2026 13:49

Tbh after the initial upset I think you will find the mental load alot easier just sorting u and kids and having a break when he has the kids make sure he has them a good percentage and good luck to him finding time to have sex when he's running a house and doing half the childcare!!!!

Lowbuy2026 · 23/01/2026 13:49

Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 13:36

Well no you are right I can’t say for sure it’s 50:50 but there are somethings he does entirely and some that I do entirely so it probably works out even. But yes I know the mental load does take more, which is probably a reason why intimacy has been more difficult for me as I’ve had too many things going on in my head. I can’t hand things over as the ball gets dropped, missed or delayed.

You read my mind! I am not going to lift a finger. We sold a house together before and I did it all as he is just incompetent in arranging anything. I won’t do anything to sort that and we will have to sell to afford our own places.

Show quote history

weaponised incompetance me thinketh op. It might be interesting to see how "competent" he gets in regards to the split.

Don't facilitate him, but make sure you do your duckies on your side, just super quietly in the background.

I am so sorry. Been through /going through something very similar. Marriage, kids, vows, all of that. Went through a fairly traumatic reproductive issue and boom! His "needs" trumped everything. He sent me an emoji when I got some difficult news- we were still married at that point.

Mere1 · 23/01/2026 13:52

historyismything82 · 23/01/2026 12:25

Oh bless you, big hugs.

Your DH doesn't sound very supportive in the slightest - you have been through so much. Does he realise how selfish he is! I'm fuming for you.

I feel the same. You deserve more.

Original poster
Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 13:52

Sanasaaa · 23/01/2026 13:37

Yeah him saying 'this is it now' and having frequent sex he knew was unwanted is indefensible, personally.

I found OP saying she met the man's 'needs' despite not wanting to really disturbing and incredibly sad.

Show quote history

I find this difficult. Cancer aside. Yes I didnt want it, I can’t force myself to. But is it fair to him to be in a relationship without sex? If that’s something he wants and I don’t he is entitled to leave me.

the cancer adds a complexity, makes it feel unfair and harsh. I do think he could have waited a while, given me a chance to recover.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 13:55

Lowbuy2026 · 23/01/2026 13:49

weaponised incompetance me thinketh op. It might be interesting to see how "competent" he gets in regards to the split.

Don't facilitate him, but make sure you do your duckies on your side, just super quietly in the background.

I am so sorry. Been through /going through something very similar. Marriage, kids, vows, all of that. Went through a fairly traumatic reproductive issue and boom! His "needs" trumped everything. He sent me an emoji when I got some difficult news- we were still married at that point.

Show quote history

Oh absolutely weaponised incompetence!
I’m ok. I don’t rely on him financially. Always kept my savings separate. I have the kids savings in my name too.
I’m sorry you are going through this too.

OP posts:
nevernotmaybe · 23/01/2026 13:58

GoldDuster · 23/01/2026 13:39

No but one doesn't cancel out the other. He might have been poised to end it just before the cancer diagnosis, what did he do, make a deal with himself to give it another year post op and then pull the trigger because intimacy trumps supporting the mother of his children in this situation?

This is bare minimum stuff and he's made his priority clear. Let him go.

Show quote history

So he stuck with her during the bad times instead of leaving her at her lowest. So desperate to make up a man=bad conspiracy, you didn’t realise what you are describing is him doing something amazing.

I'm sure you will come up with some deranged new one though, cant have him be anything but now can we.

Lowbuy2026 · 23/01/2026 14:05

Mumof4boys12975 · 23/01/2026 13:55

Oh absolutely weaponised incompetence!
I’m ok. I don’t rely on him financially. Always kept my savings separate. I have the kids savings in my name too.
I’m sorry you are going through this too.

Show quote history

ah that is good to know, that is a few big ducks in a row already. Good luck OP. I am not going to say that the next phase of your life can be all about you now (because I've had it said to me and it drives me a bit loopy) but it does sound like you can get through this and make it out the other side. Sending strength x

Frog99 · 23/01/2026 14:06

Mere1 · 23/01/2026 13:52

I feel the same. You deserve more.

Show quote history

She certainly does and in time will find it I'm sure good luck to her😊

noidea69 · 23/01/2026 14:07

Any realtionship break up is shit, and am sorry you are having to go through this after cancer scare.

100% though if the genders were swapped on this, everyone would be saying "lifes to short" go without having something that you want from a relationship, especially given how things were before illness.

MaidOfSteel · 23/01/2026 14:12

Think of it this way, OP. I bet you wouldn’t have left him if he’d developed Erectile Dysfunction and couldn’t satisfy you, would you? You loved him and would have supported him, been mindful of his feelings. But he isn’t doing the same for you. He’s selfish at heart and probably always will be.