Husband says he wants to leave me

[Mumof4boys12975]

My husband has said it’s over. It’s largely related to my lack of want for intimacy. He has raised it before, but says this is it now.
I get it, but I have no desire for sex, none. I had gynaecological cancer last year and have had everything removed so surgical menopause and can’t have HRT. My want is gone. Before that I was in the throes of young children, emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. But I tried to meet his needs 2/3 a month.
We have been through so much together. Our lives have not been easy, prior to the cancer we had a few life changing traumatic events. I love him but I can’t seem to fix it.

I carry the mental load but everything else is 50:50. Oh gosh I’m so sad.

Sorry you’re going through this after already having to go through cancer treatment.

No advice really other than I hope you can turn sadness into anger and use it to move forward and get some peace. Get onto substack and follow Zawn Villines, that will help. He’s just another selfish man prioritising himself at the expense of a woman he supposedly loves. There are plenty of them.

It sounds like you have been incompatible sexually for a long time, perhaps you should have separated years ago and each found someone more compatible. Just concentrate on getting healthy and look forward to your new found freedom. You tried but it just couldn't work out with him wanting passion and you wanting quiet evenings and reluctantly faking it once in a while.

I'm not desperate to do anything.

The results of that study have rarely been replicated. Most studies find that cancer actually lowers divorce risk, and there isn't a big gender difference.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8959852/
"According to this systematic review, cancer is associated with a tendency to a slightly decreased divorce rate. However, most of the included studies have methodologic weaknesses and an increased risk of bias."

At the end of the day you have children together and that constant won’t change. The outcome of the divorce will be the same whether you choose to punish him for wanting to leave or get angry as you are being advised. Creating angry conflict just makes the process more expensive and painful for everyone including the children. It won’t give you a better settlement and it won’t give you any form of closure or satisfaction.

You describe pre existing incompatibility at a quite fundamental level. Splitting up is an obvious progression. He could stay with you out of duty but is that what you really want? Eventually the incompatibility will result in toxicity. Sex is a basic need and he will satisfy that somehow and probably with someone else.

In relation to mental loads, almost all adults carry around mental loads. They are impossible to escape. How we prioritise and process decisions and actions is the difference. The fact that you think he doesn’t carry a mental load is as much of a fundamental issue as sex. Because it says you don’t respect or value him. And if he is that person , again why do you want to be with him.

It sounds like he is making the right decision. Because your marriage was heading towards failure one way or another. This is is the least toxic ending.

Only a man would think waiting for wife's cancer to be in remission to dump her is "doing something amazing." 😂 I won't be surprised if men start expecting applause & a trophy every time you wipe your own ass.

Man = narcissistic, embarrassing, and BAD

Except OP has just had cancer. And before that was in the trenches with small kids.
Just another shitty man

It sounds like you weren’t really compatible. You have acknowledged that you weren’t physically intimate particularly before, and you were reluctant for any kind of contact, including to the extent of not really wanting to hold hands. So for him perhaps this feels like a loveless marriage.

That aside, I’m with others in terms of letting him do all the running and arranging as it relates to getting divorced, as long as that suits you, and ensuring he picks up 50% of the childcare. You could even start going away for alternate weekends so he can have a taste of what it will feel like looking after children all weekend on his own.

what you need to remember is your savings, that you have so studiously kept aside, and the children’s savings which are in your name, are all part of the marital asset pot,

Ppl keep saying it's not about the cancer bc she didn't have sex with him before that either, but she said she "met his needs" 2-3 times a month.

He was literally having sex the avg amount for couples with young kids despite his wife being "exhausted." He should feel lucky. Shitty man indeed!

Ah, so he should do it while she has cancer?

Grow up. Relationship wasn't working, he wanted to leave, he waited until the time was right. Not everyone is as bad as you clearly are.

I’ve just been through cancer. My partner has been amazing and I often imagine what it would be like if I’d gone through that with my exh!

if he’s acting like this after the enormity of cancer then get rid and take care of yourself x

Wrong, everyone is worse than me because I'm clearly always "doing something amazing."