Life ruining or am I just suffering winter blues?

[Thegrassroots26]

Did anyone else feel like their marriage failing/ending ruined their life? I know this sounds very dramatic but I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. The sense of having failed and picked the wrong person to marry. I’m six years out from separation now and early 40s - haven’t met anyone and really felt I would when marriage ended. It wasn’t a horrible split, fairly amicable really.
The more time passes the more I think there’s no good guys left and I’ll end up dying alone.

Anyone understand or can offer some hope that it gets easier to accept at any point? What a mess I’ve made of my life. They don’t lie when they say divorce is one of hardest things to go through and live with.

I think there's a few things there - have you had any therapy? As those are quite drastic thoughts.

In terms of meeting someone - do you have children? Are you looking to meet someone with children? That's probably the biggest decision to make.

It's also true that when you feel happy and at peace in yourself, meeting someone is much easier. I don't know how to impart this to you but being single in your 40s can be really good too.

I definitely regret my choice in husband. I chose him for his potential rather than his proven attributes and achievements. I’m at the point where I’d quite happily die alone than waste more of my life being disappointed.

Yeah I’ve had some therapy before.
I have two teenagers, who are very much independent and so feel the lack of a life partner more keenly. We also co parent so I’m often without the kids.

I am happy and at peace with who I am, but I just feel it’s next to impossible to meet decent partners at this life stage. I’ve lost hope and I know that isn’t good, but it gets tiring when people tell you to join clubs and you’ll meet someone. I have, I don’t. I don’t drink very often so I don’t go out or down a pub. Let’s be honest most people 40-50 aren’t out socialising that much and if they are it’s usually with their partner or spouse. Going out by yourself is lonely and boring.

Yeah I understand where you are coming from. I feel I still yearn to find someone good and just wish I could reach a point of not caring. Perhaps it will come with more time.

My view on my divorce is thank fuck I got out. The person you married wasn’t the right one and you can’t go back and change the past, I’m sure you’ve learnt lessons from it that could help in the future though.
Do you have any pets or hobbies? Do you think this might be more realising the kids are needing you less and feeling worried about that?

I think its quite normal to feel like that on occasion. Especially when you see long established couples with their families and think why isnt that me? Ive been married three times and 20 years with the last one. I really thought we'd make the distance but we didn't.
I don't want him back but I miss the life I thought Id have, that I imagined.
But most of the time its ok.

That’s a good way to look at it.
I have a lovely rescue cat. A dog would be great company I’m sure, but couldn’t commit to one with life as it is currently.
hobbies - not so many. It’s an area I should work on. I’m ok with the kids growing up but teenage years are definitely hard and strange as the kids need you less, but are still very much there. It’s odd.

I’d love a dog too but similarly my cat would not approve. One thing I’ve found really helpful is making goals for myself. I made a mood board filled with things I wanted to see/do and I check them off. Some are simple, like reading a certain book, some require serious saving but I think having things planned and also things that create a sense of fulfilment have been really beneficial.
i don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but since the separation so many people have opened up about their own crappy marriages. I think most people stay together because it’s easier not because they’re deeply in love.

That’s a really good idea re the small goals and achievements. I find sometimes I feel very stuck and struggle to motivate myself when I’m alone. I guess because there is no other person to care or support. But it is so important to do things and have goals, otherwise it’s so easy to stagnate or just not bother.

I definitely suffer with grass is greener syndrome, and you’re right being in a relationship or marriage doesn’t equal happiness, as those of us that have been in unhappy ones know. I suppose I just thought I would find someone else and get a second chance at happiness but it doesn’t seem to be on the cards for me.

Would you reconcile with your ex, if it was amicable?

@Thegrassroots26 Get more cats! It's a game changer!

No sadly not. The reasons for the divorce stand and haven’t changed. It wouldn’t be a happy pairing!

Have you tried online dating OP

@DexterMorgansmum yes, a number of times. Hasn’t been great for me! Sworn off it now.

The feeling of having failed is a tough one to carry, and very common and very human when you are divorced. For me that feeling shifted when I forgave myself and my ex more. No one goes in to marriage thinking they will end up divorced, and marriage can be bigged up as the happy ever after, so it's natural for it to feel like a failing when it falls apart. But we are all human, we all make mistakes and sometimes things just don't work.

I also hear how bloody hard it is to meet someone. Online dating and clubs etc is bloody hard work, it can be soul destroying at times, but can also be a whole lot of fun. With groups, you can make some fantastic friends that way. Again, it can feel lonely as hell to start with but stick with it and it should lead to friendships.

I did online dating for around 2 years and there were a lot of frogs out there or people you just don't connect with, and it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. There can be some flighty and dishonest people, but it can also lead to remarriage or finding long term partners...

My journey from getting divorced has not been easy (lots of ups and downs) but I made the decision right at the start that the divorce absolutely was not going to ruin my life and that I was going to start anew. I do get sad days and sometimes think (even though I've remarried - to someone I met via internet dating), god why did that have to happen, why did life have to become so bloody complicated and why don't I have the easy life I had....But I also feel so happy to have remarried a beautiful man (despite him having a toxic nightmare ex), happy I have grown so much as a person, and happy that I am living a new chapter.

So i think part of it is deciding, what kind of life do you want? What is going to make you happy and how are you going to try to make it happen...

I think being divorced it's natural to have up and down days...maybe the counsellor wasn't the right fit for you and there could be a better one to try.

You've done so well OP! You got out at a good age (I met DH#2 when I was 53), rather than waiting until you were both stuck with each other in retirement, sitting on the couch staring into space and wishing you'd done this earlier.

It's fantastic that you managed to part on good terms - apart from minimising trauma, that shows an emotional maturity that will stand you in good stead.

I always recommend small, independent music festivals for meeting people. First of all it narrows down the pool to people who share your taste in music (which reflects a lot about our personalities). Perhaps more importantly, it means you can mingle freely - chat casually to loads of people, move on and get lost in the crowd if you're not sure.

can you recommend any sites where you see the upcoming ones @Beachtastic , sounds such a good idea for the future !

OP might find it useful too, TIA

It really depends what music you like and where you live!

Google is your friend, type in your preferred music, nearby counties (or places you want to visit), and "independent small festival" or something like that.

Or there's sites like this one
https://www.quirkycampers.com/uk/blog/best-small-festivals-uk-2025/

ha , it’s interesting people mention music , I work in it so quite often have to do gigs /festivals on my own as PR or record label or promoter even though I’m married , ( and I’m 64) - these tend to be classic rock related in my case - have been chatted too lots of times in audience at bar by guys who I suspect are ‘interested’ but obviously think I am on my own - it’s not a bad choice - and I’m not ‘rock chick’ looking either

In terms of regret, does it help to think that without having chosen that person at that time, you wouldn't have your kids? Most relationships, especially those undertaken when we are young, work for a while or for one purpose but turn out not to be forever. And a lot of long-lasting relationships aren't what they look like from the outside.

I know so many people who didn't meet their best partner until they were old enough to know themselves well. It can certainly take time, but early 40s is not old these days!

I met mine at work, we both had long previous entanglements under the bridge, but the experience we had helped us to be sure of one another.

very good luck to you... and yes this time of year will tend to accentuate the negative, for everyone!

@StripedVase it does help to think that without this relationship the kids wouldn’t be here, and I agree with what you say about some relationships not lasting forever etc
I think I have too much time alone to think & it doesn’t help as I just wind up beating myself up over things & wondering why I’m alone/thinking I don’t deserve happiness now. I know I could get out there and date, but I don’t want to. The experiences I’ve had have really put me off!

totally get you, it's really hard not to ruminate when you're feeling lonely. Cliché but true that exercise fresh air animals etc can really help, as others have said. So can writing stuff down. But try not to do dwell on the idea of not "deserving" things... some of the best women I know are single or have been for long periods, and it's more because they deserve better than most of what's out there than because they don't deserve love!
Good self-help books/online thinkers can be very sustaining and boosting, if you find the right tone for you. I got a lot of solace from reading Heather Havrilesky's agony aunting at hard times.

Thanks for your words @StripedVase very true and a good reminder. I’ve had some health issues too in the last year or so which have left me pretty fatigued, so doing stuff to stay occupied has been challenging. Perhaps the last few years have caught up and resulted in a bit of burn out. I think I just need to set very small achievable goals and go from there and hopefully it will help. I’ll check out Heather Havrilesky.