The time is coming now…

[Lorelai123]

Christmas is over and we’ve gone into another month and year and now the times coming to tell my partner that I want to break up. I need help and advice on how to even start this conversation.
my new place will be empty from 19th and I plan to take a week or so to move our stuff in and get it ready and I was going to just tell him when the house is ready so that I have somewhere to go if/when he gets angry but honestly I just don’t think I can do that! I need to tell him soon so that we have a few weeks to sort finances and come to a SENSIBLE arrangement about the children plus I feel like I’m living a lie. I vowed to stay quiet during Christmas for our kids and since we had things planned with both respective families I didn’t want to rock anyone else’s boat but now this needs to be out in the open and things need to start happening. Everyone I know will think I’m crazy for telling him weeks before because he is the most reactive person I’ve ever met and I’m likely to be met with a lot of anger and idle threats but I just really feel like the next 3 weeks need
to be used to sort things out rather than hide out until I have a new house.
How do I start/approach this conversation? I’ve already planned with my mum that she takes the kids for a few hours whilst I tell him and I have a friend on standby who’s house I can go to if he gets angry and to also give him space to process what I’ve revealed but my issue is how to even start up the conversation. And then we have the issue of coexisting for 3/4 weeks whilst I get my place sorted to move into so any advice on that would be greatly appreciated.
He really seems to have no idea that this might even be coming, we have no relationship left we can barely be around each other without bickering but he just seems to assume that we are going into another year of the same repeated behaviour and broken promises.
I’m very overwhelmed with the idea of what’s to come, how this is going to affect him and the thought of starting over but knowing that I’m soon to be out of this chaos and can start building a more peaceful life for my babies is actually quite exciting.

I would say to him can we talk for a minute and ideally both sit down together. Then say you want a divorce. If he tries to delve into your marital problems you don’t have to engage on this. You can just repeat that you want a divorce.

this conversation can be really short. If he tries to get into arrangements for the kids say you can go through that in a few days. My advice would be deliver what you need to and leave him to process it before you get into any child arrangement or financial conversations.

if he threatens you don’t retaliate.

You’ll need to get used to seeing your children go back to their dad for 50% of the time. If you’re moving out be prepared that the kids will always see their family home as “home” and your place as just your home which may mean they want to be with their dad more than you.

eventually things do start to take on a new routine and my life is now much simpler and calmer without being in my marriage. I try and have very little to do with my ex husband except for when we need to discuss the kids.

I think you should speak to a women’s help line or the police and ask for advice. I think you are very naive to expect any kind of reasonable behaviour or decisions from this man.

I think doing this early without your house ready is a really bad plan. It doesn't sound to me like he'd be thinking about being reasonable and making good plans. It will be hell on earth.

I really think you should wait.

I’d wait until your new house is ready.
I'd go somewhere public with him to tell him, don’t put yourself into a dangerous situation. How old are your children?

If he is reactive and difficult for goodness sake wait!!!

do you really think he is going to use these next few weeks being cooperative and reaching a nice amicable conclusion? Only do this if you are 100% sure as reactive people can go nuts when surprised like that

I separated from my ex with him still in the house and he started hiding my stuff, slashing possessions, stealing loo rolls and towels, getting really drunk etc etc. It was a nightmare

They’re very young, a toddler and one slightly older.

I hear you all when you say don’t tell him until then but it just feels wrong to carry on and ‘pretend’ plus there’s so much we need to sort financially before I move, all bills are in my name! I don’t want to go into a new tenancy with new household bills whilst still possibly paying some from the current house.
The thought of not seeing my kids some of the week is very difficult to come to terms with but it’s best for their mental wellbeing that me and their dad do not live together, I can’t see it being split 50/50 anyway I do all nursery drop off and pick up and on my days off he completely taps out stays in bed and doesn’t do any school runs because I’m here, it would also affect his need to sit up until 1/2am gaming..plus the usual default parent stuff like medical appointments, school meetings, making sure they’re clothed appropriately etc so in that sense things won’t be so different

Wait!
If you are absolutely certain without any doubt about dates, wait!

If you’re that worried about his anger, just move in when you have the keys and hes at work! Make it a fait accompli!

Strip out what you need on moving day, just the basics, in a removal van, and let the Angry Man come home to an empty house!

I know of someone who did this. Might be safest for you that way. Sort everything else out afterwards.

Don’t give him a key to your new place.
Get legal advice.
Take your time.
Good luck OP. 2026 will be a year of healing and moving on.

Waiting til your new place is good to protect your kids peace.

You can contact your utility suppliers in advance and let them know your moving out date and then your ex can change into his name or change suppliers as he wishes.

The thing about not wanting to pretend is your guilt talking. And your guilt isn’t being rational or safe here. If he was a super reasonable person then yes, maybe you could have the conversation weeks before the move but that’s not the case here. You do not owe him the level of honesty you think you do.

Think about what you owe yourself and your DC. Get into this mindset now. If you let yourself be led by your guilt (and fear) you will make decisions you’ll regret later. He will tap into that guilt and you’ll end up conceding so much more to him than you really want to.

A very wise person once said to me - better to live with guilt than resentment. Really think about that. The guilt will pass, especially once he starts ‘reacting’. The resentment will take so much longer to overcome.

Move as much as you can as close to the move date as possible. You can inform utility companies ahead of time so don’t worry about that. Only do what’s best for you at this point. As alien as that might feel.

Ahh I didn’t know I could contact them. Is this confidential?

For your own and your children's safety, please don't tell him in advance. Listen to us, we've been there.

You are so right about the guilt! And I don’t always understand why especially like you said when he’s being angry, argumentative etc I think “god I can’t wait to leave your ass!” But I’m just the type of person who doesn’t like to cause people heartache, I especially hate the idea of his family being affected by this because I love them all to bits. I’m sat here thinking of all the things happening soon that make me feel guilty like his parents wanting to take us out for a nice meal, our sons birthday is coming up and then I have something planned early February with his mum and auntie that they’ve paid for so I just feel dishonest sitting on this life changing information.

Tell him it’s time you both had some peace & happiness. Pitch it like you’re opening up some space for you both to become happier for the children’s sake. Say it kindly over dinner. You could also say it’s something you need to try. If he feels there’s some coming back from it he will feel less cornered and more accommodating.

You need legal advice about removing the dc from their home, he has equal right to you and therefore removing them without any legal consequences is essential for going forwards. Think about it, if he did the same you would think it was wrong, you need to file for appropriate legal papers

You’re conditioned to make others happy - so when you’re doing something you know will upset someone you have a very strong urge to stop yourself, regardless of what’s best for you. But this is a short term vs long term situation. In the short term people might be upset, but you’re making a really difficult decision based on what is best for you and your DC in the long term.

Digging into why you’re conditioned to put yourself 2nd might need to wait until you’ve got yourself moved and things are a bit more settled. But it would be worth thinking about.

At this point, live with the discomfort because you know it’s better for you and DC. It’s hard, but it will be worth it.

I was you, more or less this time last year. I’d identified that his behaviour was abusive and things had escalated over Christmas, so I finally reached breaking point (though it actually took until Easter to find a place to move to) and knew I had to move out of our shared home. All bills in my name etc too, but actually I left those as they were as they were being paid from a joint account. You know him best, but consider that if you can steel yourself for this mad few weeks of keeping your secret you can be out and safe in your new home before he knows what’s happening. I honestly don’t know how I got through that period of setting everything up and planning the move while pretending with him that everything was normal, but I did, and we came out the other side. And actually he didn’t react at all how I expected, instead of angry he was totally broken and I think the shock was a big part of that, but I felt that it’s what I needed to do. Good luck OP, Mumsnet and close friends were a great support to me when I went through it all, but ultimately take the advice anybody else is giving you and decide what works best for you, knowing him and the full situation better than anybody else does.

@ honestly, you don’t owe him anything and nothing practical will get sorted by telling an angry man in advance that you are leaving him. Focus on staying safe for now. For you and for the children. That’s your number one priority. Not him or his feelings or being fair to him.

You could ask him a couple of questions to gauge where he is, eg ask him where he thinks the relationship is going at this point? That might be revealing. But only ask if it’s safe to do so. I’m not sure it is.

I also recognise the guilt when you decide to split up, and sometimes there's no easy way to do things. Ultimately you have to do what is best and safest for the children.

@Lorelai123
I'm glad that you are nearer to your goal but your DH is abusive (confirmed in your previous threads) and you place yourself and your DC in danger by giving him advance warning - you know this. Have you worked out a plan with DA advice as you've been advised on here a few times already? You never seem to answer this aspect of what support you've put in place.

What will you gain in giving him advance warning?
Yes, you may feel guilty but your situation is so bad that you are having to leave secretly.
What are you looking for in telling him before you're safe? Validation?
Are you hoping that he'll kick off badly and give you a reason to leave so that you don't feel guilty but place you and your DC in danger by doing so?
Are you hoping for a sudden complete change in personality so that he'll morph into the perfect husband & father at the thoughts of regret of losing you all - you have more chance of seeing a frog change into a prince than that happening.

Tell him if you really need to but is that worth bruises or more holes punched in the wall? What if he takes your DC? What if he threatens to harm your DC if you go? What if he harms you????
Partners who have to set up leaving secretly in advance due to an abusive partner need counselling and support from DA services to do it safely and to stay safe afterwards. Your desire for safety for your DC and a calmer life afterwards should always trump your feelings of guilt.
He won't feel an ounce of true guilt for what he's done to his family - remember that....please

Keep your dc safe and wait. He is volatile and unpredictable and could do anything.

Or can you move in with your parents or a friend for a week or two if you really can’t wait?

The idea that you will tell him, and you will be sat at the dining table making arrangements an hour or even a week later sounds very unlikely. I wouldn’t rush it, or risk a major falling out. There is no telling what he could do.

I’ve already said the plan is to have the kids out of the house and there will be a place for me to go in the event of a kick off? The plan so far is to indeed tell him once my house is empty for me to go but I wanted some advice to give me an option to tell him sooner. Just to be clear there aren’t any bruises here he doesn’t hit me he’s reactive, angry and shouts and now and then will slam or hit a door but to be clear once again he doesn’t hit me (I’m not naive enough to say that he would NEVER though) I’m also well aware that this is still DV.
This is very overwhelming for me so I’m trying to navigate all options and get as much advice as possible.
I am in contact with women’s aid. My mum knows the situation as does my manager in case of any affect to my job.

@Lorelai123
That's excellent news that you have support around you. Sadly you just have to swallow the guilt - push it down because he's just not worth it is he?

I have been you. That's why I worry that you will sabotage your new life because you feel that you owe him advance warning and with it a possibility to change.

I never thought that my abusive exh would become violent but he did. As soon as he sensed his usual verbal/mental/emotional abuse wasn't working properly (and I was leaving him) he started punching walls & doors. Then he started aiming violence towards me, then his child, then he would take said child out of the house telling me that I'd not see them again, then he said that he'd kill me and then to top it off he threatened to kill his own child. All over the course of one week before I was due to leave him with our child. All because he had driven me to leave him and in his eyes there was something wrong with me - it was all my fault. He has never been able to gain any clarity or understanding as to why his attitude would drive us away. He is still a small minded bully even now who has driven his second wife to alcoholism and my child is no longer in contact with him - that seems to be my doing too.

I so wish that I could have escaped quietly and without warning because the scars are with us today.
Good luck my lovely but push that guilt down because he doesn't need it, warrant it or deserve it.

There is never a perfect time so in a situation like yours you have to do it to your timetable in a way that ensures the safety of you and your DCs. You can write letters for family members in advance and send them once you have told your Ex and you have moved.

Please remind yourself that you owe your kids and yourself safety more than he deserves advanced notice.