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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex has walked away from his children because I won’t take him back.

30 replies

Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:09

For context me and my ex were together 15 years and have 2 DD 7 and 13.
our relationship really was over 4/5 years ago but because of the kids and him being extremely difficult it took until March this year to end things fully.
Since he left he has been very up and down with his moods, one minute he’s here, then he disappears and DD’S hear nothing from him: he always had a very good business, however I’ve received little to no financial support since he left also.
We had planned to spend Xmas together for the sake of the children. He was to stay Xmas eve. Xmas Eve came and he disappeared again. Children have still not seen him or spoken to him since. I’ve tried everything to contact him, but he will only email me middle of the night . 1,2, 3am etc
Basically he says if he can’t have us all he can’t be a father. That I’m keeping him from being a dad because he’s not use to them on his own.
i feel so guilty but at the end of the day he made me very unhappy. And continues to do so to myself and my kids. I don’t know what to do next for the best.
Thanks

OP posts:
Mix56 · 31/12/2025 18:11

Sounds like he has a new gf.

VikaOlson · 31/12/2025 18:11

Sounds like the kids are better off without him!

Blueuggboots · 31/12/2025 18:11

He’s an arse and is emotionally blackmailing you. Ignore him. Make it clear he can see the children and try and facilitate that but he doesn’t get to dictate this.

ShawnaMacallister · 31/12/2025 18:12

Stop contacting him. He's made his choice, your children will have to experience and process the father they have at some point, time to stop trying to protect them from the truth. He's never going to be a good man or a good father.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:14

I’ve been trying to drum this home to him for months and months. Me and him are not together but his children need him. He can’t separate them from me. He keeps saying he’ll be better if he comes back. Why aren’t they enough for him. I’m exhausted with it to be completely honest

OP posts:
Jas683 · 31/12/2025 18:16

You are not the one keeping him from the children, he is appearing to be making a conscious decision to not be available to his children.

tartyflette · 31/12/2025 18:23

Clearly, he could see his children if he wanted to, you aren't the person refusing contact.
This is his choice. He prefers to try to control or manipulate you over the issue.
Unfortunately you can't compel him to see them but you can choose how to respond to him. Do you really think he will be 'better' if you allow him back? And at what cost to you would that be?
Your DC also deserve a happy mother and a peaceful home life.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:29

@tartyfletteI know for a fact he won’t change if I take him back. We’ve been down this road so many times (without actually splitting up)
he was diagnosed with autism lately however, we’ve always known, but now he has an official diagnosis he has used this to excuse all his previous behaviours as being out of his control.
To an extent I understand somethings but this was not the cause of all of our issues.

OP posts:
Tigerbalmshark · 31/12/2025 18:33

OP, to be brutally honest about this he is saying he will only agree to see his daughters if you have sex with him in exchange. It’s not worth it to him otherwise.

That is not somebody who should be in your children’s lives.

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 18:33

Good riddance quite honestly.

Don’t kid yourself that your DD’s will be better off having this man in their life. Any father who blackmails his children’s mother in this way and uses them as pawns to get what he wants isn’t a good man, and I’m sure he’s probably abusive in other ways.

I can say categorically that my dh would never, ever act like this if we split - our dc’s are the most important thing in his life and their emotional welfare is paramount to him. As it should be.

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 18:34

Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:29

@tartyfletteI know for a fact he won’t change if I take him back. We’ve been down this road so many times (without actually splitting up)
he was diagnosed with autism lately however, we’ve always known, but now he has an official diagnosis he has used this to excuse all his previous behaviours as being out of his control.
To an extent I understand somethings but this was not the cause of all of our issues.

Have you seen this “official diagnosis”?

Not that it’s an excuse anyway - having autism doesn’t make someone a selfish dickhead.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:35

@Tigerbalmshark I don’t even think that’s it. We didn’t have sex for 4 or 5 years he’s not interested in it. Which was also a factor to the breakup

OP posts:
pictoosh · 31/12/2025 18:35

Look, he's manipulating you.
Don't be emotionally blackmailed by this...if he sees it through, HE is making the choice not to see them. It's nothing to do with you.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2025 18:36

Do your daughters deserve to have this man inflicted upon them?
I would stop contacting him, he is trying to extorte sex and a relationship from you.... he is a vilehuman being, his ASD isn't a get out of jail card, you can be autistic and a cunt at the same time.

Soontobe60 · 31/12/2025 18:47

He’s being extremely controlling here, using your DC to control you. Fortunately you’re not falling for it.
Don’t try to make contact with him again, put in a claim for child payments from CMS, and if you feel like you need to tell the children something, tell them daddy isn’t very well so needs to get better and they’ll see him soon.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:54

@Soontobe60 this is also a major issue the child maintenance. He has walked away from his business (he was a director) signed away everything to other partners. Is now earning no money (apparently) I’m not getting a penny off him and I know it I through cms they will say he doesn’t owe me anything either and he is claiming he’s no income

OP posts:
Hedgehogbrown · 31/12/2025 19:11

He's a deadbeat. Don't take him back. Leave him to it. Contact CMS anyway. Tell the children he's gone so they don't get their hopes up every time. Don't cover for his shitty behaviour.

GreenPoms · 31/12/2025 19:17

He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you. Don’t engage!

OhRight7 · 31/12/2025 19:20

Let him crack on! If he can neglect his relationship with his kids in order to try manipulate you into taking him back, then he is a shit dad anyway! He is responsible for his own actions, and his actions are appalling. Good riddance to dead wood!

FatCatPyjamas · 31/12/2025 19:22

Stop feeling guilty, this is all on him. My exH would move heaven and earth to be there for our DC. Him being a father never stopped just because he was no longer with their mother.

I would leave him to it, personally. Just stop contacting him, unless it's an emergency. The fact that he knows you'll keep trying to bridge the gap means he has power over you. You don't need to allow that. He can easily choose to initiate contact with you/your DC and take an active role in their life.

LoveSandbanks · 31/12/2025 19:57

Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 18:29

@tartyfletteI know for a fact he won’t change if I take him back. We’ve been down this road so many times (without actually splitting up)
he was diagnosed with autism lately however, we’ve always known, but now he has an official diagnosis he has used this to excuse all his previous behaviours as being out of his control.
To an extent I understand somethings but this was not the cause of all of our issues.

I’m going to say this loud and clear as a parent of two with autism and somewhat spectrumy myself.

IT DOESNT MATTER. IF AUTISM IS THE CAUSE OF ALL OF HIS BEHAVIOUR. IT DOESNT MATTER. IT STILL MAKES YOU UNHAPPY!

StealthMama · 31/12/2025 20:17

I think it sounds like he’s going downhill mentally. If he’s walked away from his work etc - where is he living? How have you separated financially so far?

You cant make him be the father your children deserve. You have to put that to one side and focus on supporting your girls to deal with his absence.

you don’t have to chase him, and I wouldn’t advise you do either. But it does sound like he’s not in a good place generally and there could some fall out from that.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 31/12/2025 20:28

@StealthMamai know he’s in a bad place, I’ve seen his mental health decline for months and I have asked him to get help. I’ve also spoken to his mum and dad as I was getting genuinely worried about his actions.
he lives in a house his family own after a relative died, so no major expenses on that front like rent/mortgage.

when we split up we come up with an agreement of finances if what he would contribute to the children monthly, however he’s never stuck by this. At the start this was definitely another way of control he was wanting me to sweat it out managing without the extra money but now I actually don’t even know if he has anything anymore.

OP posts:
ManyPigeons · 31/12/2025 20:53

There’s nothing you can do OP. He’s made his choice and it’s abusive. I’m so sorry.

ManyPigeons · 31/12/2025 20:53

There’s nothing you can do OP. He’s made his choice and it’s abusive. I’m so sorry.