Ex has walked away from his children because I won’t take him back.

[Feralbookworm]

For context me and my ex were together 15 years and have 2 DD 7 and 13.
our relationship really was over 4/5 years ago but because of the kids and him being extremely difficult it took until March this year to end things fully.
Since he left he has been very up and down with his moods, one minute he’s here, then he disappears and DD’S hear nothing from him: he always had a very good business, however I’ve received little to no financial support since he left also.
We had planned to spend Xmas together for the sake of the children. He was to stay Xmas eve. Xmas Eve came and he disappeared again. Children have still not seen him or spoken to him since. I’ve tried everything to contact him, but he will only email me middle of the night . 1,2, 3am etc
Basically he says if he can’t have us all he can’t be a father. That I’m keeping him from being a dad because he’s not use to them on his own.
i feel so guilty but at the end of the day he made me very unhappy. And continues to do so to myself and my kids. I don’t know what to do next for the best.
Thanks

You need to have a serious word with yourself and cut the apron strings.

His life, his mood, his choices - all these things are not your responsibility. They never were in the first place.

He is deliberately trying to manipulate you through multiple tactics. Emotional blackmail. Financial pressure. Abandonment of his parental responsibility. Refusal to co-operate and "adult" in any meaningful way.

Autism is no excuse. Although he is clearly seeking to use it as another stick to beat you with. "It's not my fault." "I can't help it." Bullshit.

I hope you can move on and totally detach yourself from him emotionally.

It's just you and your girls now. Get used to that. Start planning your life around it.

You cannot rely on him for anything. Not now or in the future. So cut your cloth accordingly.

Bring the shutters down. Cut him out of your life. Offer him a schedule of contact with the children and don't let him mess you or your children around.

Find your inner warrior woman and don't take any more shit from this deadbeat.

Sending solidarity.

I think you need to secure financial security for you and the girls. This might be sorted but the house you are living in etc who owns that and how are marital assets being divided. If he has a claim to your home the you are at risk. Have you spoken to a solicitor? Considered financial agreements and divorce proceedings?

you can’t fix him, save him or change him.

you need to focus solely on the wellbeing and security of the 3 of you.

im sorry he’s a shit. But remember that’s why you’ve left.

I would just not have any contact with him. If he calls to speak or to see the girls -fine. But you don't need to talk to him other than to make plans.

Claim CMS even though he doesn't have anything (as he says if it's true). Atleast there is a claim in there for when he does get active. Also seek child benefits if you haven't and UC. So sorry that you have to do this alone. He's a useless prick.

Thanks, luckily I’ve all that sorted.
He bankrupt himself years ago due to a stupid tax bill he avoided (without my knowledge ) whilst we were in the process of self building. So I now rent and everything is and has been in my name for years because I didn’t trust him financially anymore. We were never married.
i paid the bills with little help from him, even tho he made a considerable wage compared to my nurses salary.
I manage, it’s definitely difficult, and it does irritate me but what can I do

I’m in a similar situation where I strongly suspect he is autistic (and he had admitted he seems to be). He walked out on our family for the second time and the first time (dues to his affair)he had next to no contact with our child who was 8 at the time for 2.5 years.
I stupidly took him back (don’t ask me why!) and again he has now left some years later. This time he had some contact for over a year and now for a couple of months, hardly much contact with daughter who is now 17 and fed up of him anyway. I think he has a mental illness but that doesn’t mean we need to suffer as a result. It could be he developed this after going through years of being autistic and not having the help he needed.
He has drastically reduced the money he gives us whereas he has a lot of money. This also makes our daughter upset. (I live abroad and am totally dependent on him financially unless I decide to move back to UK).
I would advise you not to even encourage the contact and just let your kids know you will always be there for them no matter what. The more they keep hoping he will contact them and the more it drags on and the more they will be disappointed.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. If he doesn’t know what is required from him as a father then it’s his loss.