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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I was doing so well….

44 replies

Lifegoeson2025 · 29/12/2025 23:50

Today is my birthday. Had a meal planned with friends, which I was looking forward to. Separated 9 months ago (he walked out, got with a colleague a few days later). Originally posted my whole life under a different name. Fell out with a friend today, meal cancelled, had a rubbish day.

Was doing so well, not had much contact with ex, except to do with kids, until today when my daughter told me that a friend had advised him not to come to ours on Christmas Day. I felt betrayed. She denies saying this. He denies she said this. My daughter (15) is adamant this is what her dad said to her.

So…I’ve had a day of ranting in texts, huge texts, and feel a complete idiot after doing so well for so long. I’ve lost my friend (she says she finished with me!). I just absolutely hate the fact that she still has contact with the man who destroyed our family. I hate that she checks in on him. I hate that this comment could have been made. I hate that someone is lying to me.

What a rubbish day. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about the pain, of or broken family. I have come so far since April, but today feels like a massive step backwards.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. Just feel a complete failure. I just cant get over an 18 year relationship just like that. It hurts.

OP posts:
Happyfeet234 · 29/12/2025 23:52

This fucking sucks. Sending love

2chocolateoranges · 30/12/2025 00:14

Im sorry you feel betrayed, but what difference does it make whether your friend advised him to stay away on Christmas Day or not

Maybe she didn’t , maybe she did to try and help you have a relaxing Christmas without his interference. .

At present you don’t know who is lying to you.

SoftBalletShoes · 30/12/2025 04:43

Friend needs to keep her nose out.

Sorry, OP. Divorce is so hard and, like other major life events, involves lots of secondary losses as well as the main one. 💐

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 30/12/2025 04:53

Had you wanted him to come to yours on Christmas Day?

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 09:30

@2chocolateoranges
It was for the children, so he could see them open their presents. He did come, and all was fine, I made him feel very welcome, which is more than he deserves, but what I didn’t like is that my friend was trying to put him off, thinking there would be an argument between us or that I would start something.

She shouldn’t be sticking her nose in. If I arrange something, that’s up to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 09:31

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding
my reply above was meant for you. Sorry, tagged wrong person x

OP posts:
ChillieChicky · 30/12/2025 09:38

Is it possible you have displaced your feelings of betrayal and hurt and thrown them at your friend? If friend DID say ‘maybe you should stay away at Christmas’ maybe trying to protect you? Or your DH has betrayed you, moved on with a colleague quickly after separation- could he be lying? would it really matter?
the outcome was what you wanted- he turned up at Christmas,

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 09:41

@ChillieChicky
you are right, she would have only been trying to protect me/him, but I still don’t think it’s up to her to get involved. If I felt able to have him round, that’s my decision. There’s no way I would have invited him if I was going to kick off and ruin my children’s Christmas.

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 30/12/2025 09:43

I think you've misplaced your anger. He sounds like an arsehole. I'm not sure why you would make him feel 'very welcome' after what he did to you. I would think the same as your friend.

BonnieWeeLass99 · 30/12/2025 09:47

Kindly though- you have probably really lost a friend here. She will see it as trying to help/have your back. If youve confided in this friend at all or turned to them for help/support/advice during your separation they will now feel mightily pissed off at being told to but out...

BeepBoopBop · 30/12/2025 09:53

She was not your friend. She checks in on him? WTF? If I were your friend I would be telling him what a cheating scumbag he was, not ‘checking in’ on him.
it was certainly none of her business to tell him to stay away from his children on Christmas Day.

Sounds like she may have the fanny gallops for him..

noidea69 · 30/12/2025 09:56

Why on earth is she involved in anyway at all?

Wont be long before your ex husband & ex friend are an item.

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 09:56

@BeepBoopBop
Made me smile!!
she checks on his MH plus he’s been her friend for a long time too. I’ve never liked it though. I feel she should be loyal to me. I have a real issue with it but she refuses to stop contacting him. Maybe I’m just pathetic!!

OP posts:
noidea69 · 30/12/2025 09:58

BonnieWeeLass99 · 30/12/2025 09:47

Kindly though- you have probably really lost a friend here. She will see it as trying to help/have your back. If youve confided in this friend at all or turned to them for help/support/advice during your separation they will now feel mightily pissed off at being told to but out...

bollocks, friend is a nosy bint, trying to stick her oar in where its not needed/wanted. No doubt loving the drama of OP's breakup.

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:01

@noidea69
She will do what she wants, no matter what I say. Doesn’t seem to understand why I feel uncomfortable with it all. I’m vey black and white. If her husband did the same to her, that’s it, he’s dead to me. I would be focusing on her. Not checking in on the scumbag who destroyed a family.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 30/12/2025 10:05

Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:01

@noidea69
She will do what she wants, no matter what I say. Doesn’t seem to understand why I feel uncomfortable with it all. I’m vey black and white. If her husband did the same to her, that’s it, he’s dead to me. I would be focusing on her. Not checking in on the scumbag who destroyed a family.

then she isnt really a friend is she. See if your other friends still want to go out.

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:17

@noidea69
She has been by my side ever since he left, she has seen me at my worst and always been there, and I love her for that, but that doesn’t mean I have to like and agree with what she says/does.

OP posts:
MrsChristmasHasResigned · 30/12/2025 10:17

Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:01

@noidea69
She will do what she wants, no matter what I say. Doesn’t seem to understand why I feel uncomfortable with it all. I’m vey black and white. If her husband did the same to her, that’s it, he’s dead to me. I would be focusing on her. Not checking in on the scumbag who destroyed a family.

I think if you see things so differently its best you are not friends any more. But being so black and white is not helpful in life.

Safxxx · 30/12/2025 10:25

Count your blessings as you've come to learn the truth about your friend...as it's not been a year stop being so hard on yourself for letting things get to you this way, you will have many moments like this and it's ok not to be ok at times...were human not robots. Happy belated birthday, try to do something today and keep yourself distracted, you will come out of this stronger than you think...❤️

MumoftwoNC · 30/12/2025 10:31

noidea69 · 30/12/2025 09:58

bollocks, friend is a nosy bint, trying to stick her oar in where its not needed/wanted. No doubt loving the drama of OP's breakup.

Show quote history

I agree with this, I used to have a friend like this.

Even the "being very supportive" bit was probably motivated by wanting to be central in the drama and drawing it out for longer.

The best way to "be supportive" of a friend's breakup, imo, is how my grandma did once. She just barked something like "if I ever see him, I'll kill him" and then never spoke about him again.

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:32

@MumoftwoNC
your grandma sounds amazing and spot on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:33

@Safxxx
Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 30/12/2025 10:35

Im so sorry. I hate it when my friends say oh he's still a friend Im not taking sides when someone wrecked your life.
I still feel angry with my ex and he left 9 years ago.
I don't have any friends that are still friends with him. Its too painful.

Original poster
Lifegoeson2025 · 30/12/2025 10:41

@Gettingbysomehow
So nice that other people understand how I feel.
Im so up and down with my feelings. Sometimes life is great, sometimes I’m angry! No one truly understands until they are in that position.
My friend has said in the past ‘he was unhappy’ and that winds me up sooo much! Ok he was unhappy, made our lives hell, but why didn’t he speak to me, why didn’t he want to try to make it work, why did he walk out of that door knowing he had another ‘girl’ (she’s 10 years younger) lined up. Just walked away from 17 years, 10 years of marriage. Walked away a month before I had an operation. Walked away when my mum had cancer for the 3rd time. But he was ‘unhappy’. I don’t give a toss! He threw me away. Lied. Broke me.

OP posts:
Dozer · 30/12/2025 10:42

Whatever your friend did or didn’t say to your ex about Christmas (& I would believe your DD over the friend and ex), friend seems to have been a fence-sitter, at best, and not someone you can safely confide or have high trust in, IMO.

I hope that you have other friends and support, or can find this in 2026.

Sounds like you’ve been doing great overall!

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