I was doing so well….

[Lifegoeson2025]

Today is my birthday. Had a meal planned with friends, which I was looking forward to. Separated 9 months ago (he walked out, got with a colleague a few days later). Originally posted my whole life under a different name. Fell out with a friend today, meal cancelled, had a rubbish day.

Was doing so well, not had much contact with ex, except to do with kids, until today when my daughter told me that a friend had advised him not to come to ours on Christmas Day. I felt betrayed. She denies saying this. He denies she said this. My daughter (15) is adamant this is what her dad said to her.

So…I’ve had a day of ranting in texts, huge texts, and feel a complete idiot after doing so well for so long. I’ve lost my friend (she says she finished with me!). I just absolutely hate the fact that she still has contact with the man who destroyed our family. I hate that she checks in on him. I hate that this comment could have been made. I hate that someone is lying to me.

What a rubbish day. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about the pain, of or broken family. I have come so far since April, but today feels like a massive step backwards.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. Just feel a complete failure. I just cant get over an 18 year relationship just like that. It hurts.

Friend sounds like she prioritises menz feelz and has swallowed ‘the script’. More fool her!

@Dozer
Don’t get me wrong, some advice she gives is spot on, but her checking in on him will never sit right with me.
I also have an issue because both her and her now husband were cheats in the past. We have completely different values and I have made that very clear.

Same here 20 years of marriage walked away when I was in hospital. Bastards.
Wasn't getting enough sex apparently....well sorry for needing an operation ffs sex wasnt my first priority!!!! 🤔

@Gettingbysomehow
Im not saying I was perfect, but I heard the same…
-didn’t feel loved
-kissed the kids but not him
-not enough sex
blah blah blah

Ok, we can all improve, I’m not perfect, but I showed my love in so many other ways. Always had his back. Held the family together. Tried to be the best mum. Life was stressful. He was so miserable and picked on the kids for a year. The house was toxic. I tried to get him help for what we assumed was depression, he wasn’t interested.

Nah. Sorry she’s not a good friend to you. If something ‘doesn’t sit right’ it’s almost certainly, not right. you’re really better off with her out of your new life.

Your ex moved on for sex, essentially it’s what it almost always boils down to. Again you’re worth so much more. You’re better off without him in your life - apart from for the kids.

I’m sorry you’ve been let down by your ex and by your ex friend. It’s heartbreaking.

But you’ll be ok, you sound wonderful xx

@peacefulpeach
Thank you x
I would say I am a good person, definitely genuine and 100% loyal. Shame that wasn’t good enough!
Today is not a good day. I hope I snap out of this soon. I was so positive and things felt good but this whole comment from best friend and the rants to ex have really made me feel low.

Can you get out of the house walk meet friends? Anything to help not dwell on things? x

I think you are being unreasonable OP. People shouldn’t always have to take sides - it sounds like she’s a good friend but you only want unwavering agreement with your views and feelings.

@Notellinganyone
It’s not about sides. It’s about advising him not to come over at Christmas.

i think friends should always take your lead on how to manage the relationship with an ex- particularly in the early months, and especially when there are children involved.

i had a teen in the middle of exams when my ex walked out after 25yrs - i was determined to do what I could to keep things amicable during that crucial time for my DC. Most friends understood- but one friend came to stay and when ex came to pick up DC was totally revolting to him, childish, refused to say hello, despite having known him for as long as I had. She told me she’d “picked a side”. I actually didn’t want her to pick a side, I wanted her support in maintaining a good relationship with my dcs father - and I’d had a long conversation with her about it before he came. She just made herself the arbiter of what was the “right” Way to behave - which your friend has also done OP, though in the opposite direction.

the fact is that we get to set the rules on this. Real friends will support us. My relationship with that friend never really recovered- she made a hard time even harder.

Not understanding why the friend needs to check your XH's MH. he has his shiny new partner for that! I do think she us probably a bit over invested in all the drama.

Be kind to yourself OP , 9 months is still relatively early after such a long relationship and when you have DC together .

I am also in the same club , but further along than you . I am mostly doing ok but there are still things that throw me . Both birthdays and Christmases will always continue to be emotive and are difficult because you don’t have the perfect “family “ Christmas and birthdays are hard when you don’t have a partner .

I think for me it is not that my relationship ended , but how it did - also through infidelity and the pain this caused me but especially my DC . I wasn’t given the opportunity to work on the relationship , even if this meant separating amicably and making decisions with the DC at the forefront .

Like you I am also a loyal person and really can’t conceive of any situation where I would cheat or lie to the person I love the most . I do appreciate that things are never completely black and white though .

I have also had a similar situation with a relative and one friend they have said a few things, where I don’t feel that they totally have my back . However I do know that they have both cheated in relationships , one much more than the other . I do think that in their responses to me - they are also trying to justify (to themselves ) their past behaviour .

I totally agree that people shouldn’t stay in relationships when they are unhappy , but also that their unhappiness should not be an excuse to cause untold damage to their children and partner . Again it is not that the relationships ended - but those that do this by setting off this bomb in their DC’s and their partners lives and then trying to justify it because they were “unhappy “ and to minimise their actions / deflect / gaslight which was my experience .

I don’t expect my friends /family to not be civilised to my ex , but I do expect them to be loyal to me .

I think you have to weigh up for your friend - if she brings more to your life than she takes from it . Can you set some ground rules if you do reconcile with her - eg you don’t talk about your ex ?
Long and enmeshed relationships such as those we had , can unfortunately take a few years to get past . I think like me you will reach the point that you want to get on with life and don’t want to waste any emotional energy thinking about your ex , if you can help it . But it is an emotional rollercoaster especially when you feel you have been discarded and they have waltzed off into a shiny brand new relationship without as much as a backwards glance .

You will still continue to be thrown off course from time to time , don’t beat yourself up about this . Think about how far you have come rather than than these blips .
Take care .

@2026onwardsandup
Thank you so much. Your story sounds so similar. It’s painful, isn’t it? Sending you a hug x

Awwwww, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s going to take time but you will get through this. Xx

I went through something similar a few years ago.
You need rocks round you, not sand. An unexpected break up is like a bereavement. You have no time to prepare and your heart is breaking. For that you need unwavering support, an army of love and a free pass to rant and grieve.
i think at the least your friend is a grief vampire, or a flying monkey and at worst waiting in the wings for him.
New year, new life and hopefully a happy ending.

Big piece of advice from someone who has been divorced over 20 years... when anything happens STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE. If you need to let the anger out, write it down, shout at the wall, hiss, shout some more, whatever. Don't engage in anything 'he said, she said' you'll drive yourself crackers. He turned up, you had him over for Christmas, what does it matter really? If your friendship was having issues because she's maintained contact with your ex and is now choosing to make other comments, then end the friendship with her, avoid long ranting texts to your ex particularly if you're parenting teenagers!
I divorced when my ds was 2 , my ex h broke both my legs. I've lost count how many 'friends' stuck with him because apparently 'he was a good man really' even 20 years on, he's been diagnosed with a brain tumour and those same friends seem to think that explains his behaviour all that time ago!!!!! Gather yourself, keep doing what you're doing and in moments of anger and frustration (of which there will be many) stay silent

@Lightuptheroom
Oh wow I’m so sorry you went through such an awful time. That’s horrific. Thank you so much for your advice xxxx

Not a problem, at the time it was horrific, probably should still be horrific, but for you, protect yourself and continue to move forwards. You don't owe your ex anything at all.

She doesn't sound like a friend. why would she need to concern herself with his MH when he has a girlfriend?