I think my marriage is over

[Blossomyard85]

I’m pretty sure my marriage is over. There are a number of issues. The biggest one is that DH dislikes my family. It’s a very long story and started off with just my parents, but now he dislikes all but one of my siblings (I have a large family). This has been an issue for a number of years and makes me totally miserable because I cannot have a normal relationship with my family and feel like I’m missing out on a lot. For example, this was supposed to be my turn for Christmas with my family (we alternate years). My sister hosted and said DH was welcome to come as long as he was polite and made an effort to interact with my family. DH he would come but didn’t want to talk to most of the family (he would just stay in that playroom and play with the kids). In the end, the DC and I spent Xmas Eve with my family and we spent Xmas day at home with just me, DH and DC. It was a muted affair and I felt very sad about missing out on being with the rest of my family. We had an argument about the whole situation about a week before Christmas and since then it has been like we are co-existing in the same house. We have all had a bit of a cold and DH has been moping about complaining about how ill he is. He has been lying in bed until late morning and keeps retreating to our bedroom or the sitting room to watch TV or scroll on his phone. He isn’t playing with the DC or really helping much with things about the house. Unless DH is prepared to start making an effort, I don’t see how our marriage can continue. When do I speak to him and how do I initiate the conversation? I feel like he will be angry about it.

firstly I would of left him behind and spent Christmas with your family if that’s what you wanted to do haha. Let him sort his own Xmas dinner if he’s the one disliking your family.

any future family occasions leave his miserable face behind!

if there a reason he dislikes your family? Could that issue be resolved? Would that help to address whatever has upset him?

i would definitely talk to him about your feelings. It seems you are still annoyed at the Christmas / family issue now everything else is annoying you.

He sounds miserable. Why does he dislike your family?

Following op, feel like i'm in a very similar situation.

@middleagedandinarage I’m sorry you are facing a similar situation.

@Clarabell77 the saga of why DH doesn’t like my family is a very long one. I don’t agree with his reasoning, and we have argued a lot about it over the past few years. However, what I find really difficult is that his dislike for my family really impacts on my life and makes it difficult for me to have a normal relationship with my family.

He refuses to spend time with them, and then controls how the DC and I see them. He says he isn’t controlling, but I think it is. For example, one of my nieces was christened earlier this year. DH didn’t want to go because it was at the church in my parents’ village, with lunch afterwards at my parents’ house. My parents live 2.5 hours away and the christening service was at 9am. The DC and I travelled down the afternoon before and stayed the night. DH said he expected us back home by 4pm the day of the christening. So, I had to leave at 1.30pm before the lunch had finished. I could have decided to ignore him and got home later, but from previous experience I knew this would make him furious.

Why were your only choices ignore or obey?
Why couldn't you say "we wont be home by 4 because the event doesn't finish until 3" or whatever?
I'm not asking that as a put down, but a genuine question. Why don't you feel like you can do that? Same for why him refusing to spend Christmas with your family means you can't. I have a horrible feeling you are skipping over the real problems.

I totally resonate with this. I asked my controller dh for a divorce just before Christmas. My family hate him, long story but he cheated on me many years ago and at the time I was very vulnerable both emotionally and financially and he exploited that and coerced me to stay. 9 years later and I have spent many of which rebuilding my confidence and financial stability knowing that I would not stay with him forever. We have a blended family so no children together. Initially after the cheating he isolated me from family knowing no one wanted to be in his company. My lovely family however wanted to see myself and the kids and always tried to make allowances and put differences aside but essentially he was always rude, outspoken and arrogant but he was tolerated. Don't get me wrong we've had some pleasant times over the last years however I now realise I just don't love, trust, respect or even desire him anymore. It's sad and I tried to think I will just get through Christmas but I couldn't fake it any longer. He's taken it badly, as a controller does when they are no longer in control. Trying every tactic from emotional blackmail, manipulation, scare tactics about what he will do, the nicey nice approach of I'll do anything and now the mental health card. I know I've got a huge battle ahead. Says won't start divorce till mental health treated and won't put house on market. Sadly neither of could leave as both financially tied. It's two weeks in and already feels like a lifetime. I am absolutely determined however this time I will see it through and regain some freedom and normality for myself and my now grown kids.

“My sister hosted and said DH was welcome to come as long as he was polite and made an effort to interact with my family”

TBF your sister was properly rude saying this.
I would have been furious and refused to attend on behalf of your DH.

I also find it odd that you didn’t explain that the event didn’t finish until later and you wouldn’t be able to make it back by 4. Why was returning by 4 so important? Did you ask?

are you afraid of him OP? Why did you agree to leave the christening so early? It’s one thing him not attending but insisting you’re back by 4pm is absurd unless we are missing something.

And I know this is a thing said on Mn often but it’s said a lot because it’s often true - watch his addiction to slinking off with the phone. he may be texting other women!

I can’t say if he's wrong or right to dislike your family as you haven’t given the backstory but he’s wrong to interfere with your relationship with them in this way I’d say.

The reason he wanted us back by 4pm from the christening is because I was taking the DC away from him for the weekend so he wanted to have some time with them before bedtime. If I hadn’t have agreed to it, then I was worried he would say I couldn’t take the children at all. Then if I got home later than 4pm, I was worried he would be furious with me.

My sister said he would need to be pleasant at Christmas if he was going to come because, in the past, he has attended family things and e.g. avoided shaking my dad’s hand on arrival, not talked to my parents at all, refused to accept offers of food or drink (so he doesn’t eat if we are all eating lunch). It makes for a very uncomfortable atmosphere.

I understand that many people don’t like their in-laws. However, what upsets me is that he doesn’t make any effort with them, is rude about them and controls how/when I can see them. I can’t invite my own family round to our house unless DH is not there (which is hard because I don’t live near any of my family so they can’t just pop round). My DC and I miss out on so much because we are never there.

Divorce sounds like a good idea. Your husband has been trying to stop you and your children having any fun with your family. Why?
If they are good, kind people then your life will be much better if you get divorced.

I’m getting a picture of what your husband’s like, reminds me of growing up in a similar dynamic between my parents and it doesn’t get any better, they never divorced but practically were as he never turned up to any birthdays, weddings funerals, etc. would make himself scarce, or worse in later years be at home but stay upstairs/in other rooms ignoring visitors, or act rude/dickish if he couldn’t ‘escape’. Plus all the petty stuff you describe to make any planning /travelling unnecessarily difficult. Caused my mum loads of unnecessary stress. Of course, he was a controlling twat in other ways too.

I think I’d be happy my marriage was over if it was like that to be honest. Who made him boss of everything? He’s trying to distance you from your family

It sounds like coercive control, however we don’t have a lot of context so can’t entirely say. But also we don’t marry a family……are you afraid to create your own family experience, is your family over bearing and a lot to be around constantly?

If a wife doesn’t get along with her in-laws and wants nothing to do with them the husband is expected to cut the apron strings and stand by his wife. If the husband doesn’t like his in-laws he’s expected to try harder and stop making things hard for his wife.

Your H is coercively controlling. It's a criminal offence. Entirely reasonable of your sister to state the terms on which he was welcome to attend. Please divorce this piece of shit.

I think we really need the backstory about why your dh hates your family so much. From what you’ve said he sounds like an ogre but if there’s a true reason why he hates them then that changes things and perhaps he even feels like you’re not putting him first. It is hard to tell. (For example my first dhs family always made it very clear they absolutely hated me, to the point of hiding away in my dhs room when we got married and had the reception at our house; not even attempting to speak to me - and now ex dh just let them do that)!

I know you already know this, but he can’t actually delay the divorce starting. I’d apply for a no fault divorce immediately.

he can obviously stall on providing his financial details, but at least get the ball rolling

OK OP but can you say why he doesn’t like the family?

I get why you might not want to be super specific but at least give us an idea.

For instance, they could’ve displayed prejudice against him for all we know or maybe he’s a bigot or was verbally to you and they’ve told him to watch what he says and he’s annoyed now.

Two very different scenarios. I think the why is relevant.

Unless there is a massive backstory, then he is controlling.

my ex disliked my parents- yes, they are boring old duffers, but perfectly pleasant and always made him feel welcome. Looking back, he disliked spending time doing anything I wanted to do and was probably jealous he wasn’t centre of attention.

It sounds like your parents are easy going and try to be polite, so it’s clear that he is the issue here.

this isn’t about your family, it’s about control

Unless your family are monsters who have treated him badly…..he’s ABUSIVE.
you have to do exactly what he wants or he is furious? You pander to him at the expense of your own happiness? You can’t stand up for yourself?
You’ve been in this dynamic for so long that you don’t realise just how bad it is.

Id say leave!

@Blossomyard85
This is not an equal marriage my lovely - it's domestic warfare where one person has all the weapons and the other is trying to protect everyone with no defences.
You need to read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? - you will find your DH within those pages.

Your 'D'H's object is to sever ties to your family allowing him to create his own 'unit' or 'little kingdom' where no one can draw your attention away from him. He wants to dominate the lives of you and your DC in every way and he can only truly do this by making sure that there are NO outside influences that can point out his abuse - and abuse is what this is. Severing family ties is really only the first stage and it can take a long time but he knows that it's a long game to reach his goal. Once you no longer have contact with your family, the control will ramp up - he will control every little aspect of your life and also that of your children until your children are slavishly 'devoted' to his ever whim and command due to fear of incurring his wrath or displeasure.

You have aired your doubts here and that's the first stage. You need to find some individual counselling for you, if you can, only so you can put your thoughts in order. Do not do couple's counselling - it's not advised where there's abuse. Can you contact your local DA group for support?

Next get ducks in a row. I'm hoping that you work but if not, then start looking for work or if you can increase your hours. Remove your/DC passports, birth/marriage certs and any other important documents and give to someone for safe keeping or lock up at work etc. Make notes of pensions, savings, mortgage, bank accounts etc.

This situation will not improve and will only get worse. Be brave and do it for your DC.

The back story of my DH hates my family is very long and quite complicated. He basically thinks my parents want to be too involved and control his life. It started when DS was born. DH said no parents should come to the hospital after the baby was born, which I thought sounded a good idea because his family literally ate dinner in a restaurant opposite the hospital when his sister was giving birth. However, I was induced which basically ended up being a bit of a disaster. A crash team was called and DS ended up in NICU. We were in hospital for a week. The day after DS was born, I wanted to see my parents (particularly my mum) and DH was furious about this saying it was all about my parents making sure they saw DS first. I was perfectly happy for his family to visit, but he said that they would stick to the agreement. After my parents visited he sent them a very rude and aggressive email. Things have carried on in the same vein, and now got to a point where he refused to have anything to do with my parents. My siblings have tried to stay out of it, but find DH’s behaviour towards my parents very difficult to put up with.

I recently found out that, for the christening that took place earlier this year, DH sent my sister a message saying he couldn’t come because if parents abusive behaviour towards him. My sister replied to say that she wouldn’t tolerate him talking about our parents like that so he has now blocked my sister.

I don’t think my parents are bad people. They are both very community minded with lots of friends. My siblings’ partners all get on well with them. My parents, siblings, their spouses and children all go on holiday together every year (we don’t go obviously).

My family is big and very close and I get that can be a lot for some people, but I can’t just be cut off from them.

Ok well he just sounds like he has decided to engage in a long running power struggle
with your parents who seem very reasonable and caring and it’s escalated. He clearly has quite a nasty streak unfortunately.

Sadly it seems your ‘D’H is so far across cunt bridge he’s not going to be able to find his way back.

I doubt any reader or poster could find a redeeming feature based on what you’ve said.

I imagine your family will be only too happy to see you divorced and happy again.

The fact he has held it against your parents that you needed them around you after a traumatic life event would be enough for me, even without the fact you are scared of making him "furious".

I too think it sounds like you would be a happier version of yourself without him.