50/50 but I want to change

[MegRMMac]

My ex and I separated around 6 years ago. We were together for 12, had 2 kids, but he was emotionally abusive to me and it took me a long time to finally leave.

For the last 5 years we have been doing a 50/50 split with time with our kids. The first few years were fine and we were pretty amicable, however the last few years (particularly the las year) things have got really bad and we don't get on at all, and I wouldn't even class us as co-parents anymore, but entirely separate parents.

Our eldest daughter (9) has struggled the last few years with her relationship with her dad. It seems she has experienced similar characteristics and behaviours to what I did (and what caused me to leave my ex) and it's been really, REALLY difficult. Firstly, it triggers me a lot to hear of things my ex has said or done to my daughter/s as they take me back to those experiences of my own. Secondly, it's caused me immense emotional pain seeing my daughter in such awful anxiety and distress, about going to her dad's. Multiple handovers have concluded in her crying in my car, pleading me not to make her go to her dad's, and refusing to get out of the car. It's worth noting sometimes my daughter can be generally quite sensitive and pessimistic and struggles with anxiety, however I believe her experiences with her dad and real and I ensure I validate these feelings when she speaks to me about them.

I now have a partner (for the last 4 or so years) and my ex is now engaged to a woman, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship. My girls have struggled adapting to this change, of having 3 new siblings, and they now all live together. My ex decided to buy a house with his fiance in April, but he now lives 40 minutes away from me, and around 30-35 from the girls school. For context, I live 10-15 mins from their school.

For 5 years we have had the arrangement:

Mon-Weds - me
Weds-Fri - him
Alternate weekends
*Whoever has weekend does Monday school drop off

This means the kids have a 5 day stretch with each parent, followed by a 2 day stretch with each parent.

Since all the issues with my daughter and her dad have gone on, I've found it increasing hard when the girls go to their dads for 5 days. The house feels empty, and I feel truly heartbroken at their absence. It seems most of the time my ex's step kids are living there, so they are rarely totally kid free. Whereas in my house, when my kids go the house is empty.

I am desperately wanting the kids to live with us more. My eldest especially, but also youngest, has expressed multiple times, consistently, and over a period of time, that she wishes she lived with me more. She has asked me why she has to go to her dad's so much, explains that she feels much happier at my house, and wishes she was here more. I know in my gut this is truly how she feels.

I'm thinking of proposing a change in schedule to my ex,.with the girls living with me a little more during term time especially. I'm near to their school, their friends, clubs etc local to school, whereas my ex lives further away and never does playdates or anything for our kids. Apparently they frequently have playdates for the step kids, but our kids have none - this is heavily noted by my eldest in particular.

I'm wondering if anyone has done 50/50 then adapted it over time? How did it pan out? Did the other parent disagree and it had to go through court?

I'm fully expecting my ex to disagree and say he wants them just as much. He has a habit of getting incredibly defensive and is notoriously a very difficult person to deal with. I'm aware I have a lot of trauma from my experiences with him, so often find these situations very difficult as they trigger my nervous system considerably!

Any advice would be really appreciated as I feel this whole thing is totally consuming my thoughts right now!

Pragmatically might you have more success if you let him continue to not pay CMS (I’m assuming he’s not as you’re 50/50?)
not that you should, of course….

No he doesn't pay any maintenance anymore.

When we first split, he decided to move back to Wales where we're original from (nearly 3hrs away!) and he chose to only see our oldest every other weekend, and didn't properly have our youngest till she was around 1. So I was pretty much single parenting for a while, and he would pay maintenance.

Then he moved back up to this area and we agreed the 50/50 split, which meant he didn't pay any maintenance.

I would imagine you’ll have to frame it as being good for him. I’m sure his new GF will be pleased. Or else just find ways of letting him know how great it is for you and your partner to have all that time together when he has the kids.

He's such a tricky one as he'll act incredibly defensive and be overly protective of his pride and father status, to the point he can get a little pedantic about ensuring he has absolutely equal 50/50 rights.

He once had a go at me for simply referring to his STEP children as...step kids. He took offence and said they aren't step children, they are all siblings with my children too. Worth noting that my girls themselves prefer the step status,and that's how they refer to them to their friends etc!

My kids have said in their own words they feel their dad cares more about the step kids than them, and that all he cares about are his fiance, money and his car 😳😞

So I'm not sure bigging up kid free time will win with him, as he will present the "I'm their dad I need them equally" card. Which I normally agree with! But when my daughter is this distressed, and the whole thing causing this much upset to us all, I disagree to the 50/50...

I have no advice right now as am exhausted dealing with a similar sounding ex and my head is fried. Once I’m feeling less tired I’ll come back and do my best, but wanted to say that I hear you and I get it!

Could you offer more time in holidays? And move to Monday - Thursday in term time and every second weekend. 8 days a fortnight with you in term.
During holidays give more time then. Still call it 50/50 just sell it as better for girls as you are closer to school

You can try be nice but if hes mirroring what he done to you on your eldest, you may just need to bite the bullet and got to court for a CAO, at 9 your eldests voice will be heard although not guaranteed to be supported like they are at 11yrs old.

“all he cares about are his fiance, money and his car ”

So go the money angle - if you’re prepared to forego maintenance to have more time with the DC, then say to him that it’s easier for the DC to go to school from yours, so maybe it would be better for you to have them a bit more during the week, but you’re absolutely not asking for money: financial arrangements would stay as they are. I’m sure the fiancée would be delighted to have less time with your DC.

Yeah that was the angle I've been considering - explaining I feel it would be better for the girls/their wellbeing to be based nearer to school more often, to ease travel times and allow them to be nearer to friends for playdates more easily etc.

My worry with saying that is he'll probably come back saying the travel is fine his end and the girls have no issues with it/it's worked so far 🙄 he's also very stubborn so it's incredibly hard to get him to see other POV or to compromise.

I end up feeling trapped because it plays on my mind how it would feel vice versa, if my ex asked to have the girls more, so then I end up hesitating because I don't want to cause him pain! At the same time, my girls are my priority so I feel I need to put them first.

I imagine he will also argue that he doesn't want my girls being apart from their step siblings (my girls won't be bothered as they don't have fantastic relationships anyway), to which I'll have to reply respectfully that my girls have more priority to me than his step kids feelings!!

Have you told him about how upset she is and how she cries in the car etc.? You need to have a conversation about it, regardless of how he might act. Considering how much time she spends there, it needs to be dealt with however you frame it, and any decent parent would want to make things better for their child. He sounds selfish though, but you could say the moving about so often is making her upset rather than a direct confrontation.
I have two half siblings but I never see them and we don't really have a relationship.

You can try asking but he’s not likely to agree and I can’t see any judge wanting to move away from 50/50. Different with secondary age, their view will matter but without any evidence of harm there’s not much you can do.

It’s difficult I know, I’m about to start 50/50 with DD on the same pattern you have and I will hate the weekends she’s away. But the weekdays will be much easier as I can focus on work (demanding senior job) on his days and finally get to the gym regularly. My ex is a great dad though and we can co-parent fine which makes the difference.

I’m sure your ex is a monumental twat @MegRMMac but I don’t think you have any legal basis to challenge it. Hard as that is to hear.

Yes we've had several big heated conversations about how much eldest was struggling!

She'd been upset for such a long time, and I was having so console her here and have big heavy chats where she'd unload all the things her dad had done/said/how it made her feel, but I tried to stay neutral for a really long time. Then it got to a breaking point and I had to message him about it - took me forever to plan out a message as I had to word it all so carefully and respectfully, whilst still getting the point across.

He initially had a chat with her, but what she fed back to me sounds like he flipped the conversation so that he was the victim. She came out of it feeling guilty and like she was to blame for upsetting him!! It's then been a rinse and repeat type situation. He's got very defensive when I've raised issues and says he's a good dad/there's nothing wrong in their household, I've had to reiterate I'm not suggesting he's a bad dad but that I have a duty of care to my daughter and when she's expressing that much distress I have to try and help.

In the last month we had a significant moment where my daughter actually confided in her teacher, ended up pouring her heart out in a very emotional chat. Explained lots about how she gets anxious going to her dad's and all these things happened. Teacher obviously took it seriously as she apparently made notes and took it to the deputy whose the safeguarding lead. Deputy then had a quiet chat with my daughter a few weeks later. Nothing else has come from it, other than them offering her fidget toys in class to help anxiety, but I'm comforted to know it's on record now! And this was huge for my daughter to speak to someone external.

However, shit hit the fan then - at handover daughter was terribly upset again, her dad messaged me that night asking why she was so upset, so I answered honestly that she didn't want to go to his. Seems this then triggered him having a conversation with daughter and she blurred out she'd had a chat with her teacher that day. He then demanded she tell him exactly what was discussed! She kept saying she didn't want to, but (in her words) he "forced" her to write it all down on his phone and told her he needs to know...

She was incredibly upset telling me all this, because now her dad knows she spoke to school. Which could be a good thing! But I think it's tainted her trust now as she's worried anything she tells school will get back to him.

So all this has gone on, I can clearly see there's an issue, but he is in denial or at least portrays that to me.

In these circumstances I would just not send them for a while during the week. Keep it to weekend only contact and seek a court order.
It's in your favour that your daughter has already detailed her distress to her teacher

I totally agree that the father here is awful but why do you think she has the right to do that? He could equally decide to not “send them” back to her. They aren’t possessions being posted and when coparenting one parent can’t just choose to change living arrangements suddenly for children because they want to.

I can guarantee that if you suddenly try to stop an existing arrangement @MegRMMac the courts will not look on it favourably and you risk being accused of alienation, especially if he can afford good legal representation or he could equally choose not to “send them” back to you. I wouldn’t get in to those games with a vindictive ex.

Because he is emotionally damaging her daughter that's why
I would normally full support any one who wants to have meaningful contact with their children... But not if it's hurting them. This change in contact wouldn't be out of the blue without any discussion or explanation. She gave him the opportunity to make things better and he just made his daughter feel worse.
If he won't address his behaviour then a judge should assess whether she needs to spend that much time with him
Just my opinion though

Could your daughter want to do a club on Thursday nights - so it's easier for her if you do the club and overnight?
Any new hobby she fancies doing that runs on a Thursday?

Yeah several people have said to me I should simply refuse to do handover, but I know they would cause more issues! I also wouldn't feel comfortable stopping contact without any discussion.

It's a hard one to juggle as I understand he is their dad and I do still want them to see him, so it's not a case of me wanting to cut ALL contact. I've always been an advocate for both parents having contact, the issue I'm facing is I no longer want an equal 50/50 split, but a setup where they live with me more on the whole.

You're right too that he would be able to afford good legal representation - when I was with him 6yrs ago he was on 45k but is on even more now! Whereas I work full time but in a low paid job, so financially he will always be above me sadly.

This is actually a good idea!! I will look into Thursday clubs.

I'm also aware how important it is for her to have a base near school and clubs, and also making connections towards secondary school. She's on year 4 now so secondary isn't too distant. That will also be another headache when we have to navigate a secondary school between us!!

You can do an emergency CAO, forcing her to tell him what shes told a teacher is horrendous!

My youngest is at boarding school, they are aware of the DV/bail etc and have had to tell him to stop discussing me/trying to find out info as its really stressing her out. They have it logged. A narcissist like my ex and yours will always be narcissistic. Your priority is your daughter's and their wellbeing.

Yes I was fuming and so upset when she told me how she felt forced to tell him!! It's so wrong. The fact he still persisted despite her being upset and saying "I don't want to" infuriates me, and now I worry it's now damaged her trust in disclosing things to, otherwise safe, adults like teachers.

He has no idea that I know all though this! My daughter and I are incredibly close so tells me everything, but my ex doesn't know that she's told me. He actually asked her "does mummy know you spoke to your teacher?" And my daughter said she felt trapped with what to reply - she didn't want to say "yes mummy knows" as she worried he'd be annoyed I knew and he didn't 😞 so she had to reply with "I don't know"...

I'll be honest - I do have videos from the last year, recorded discreetly, whilst having chats with my eldest. Her visibly upset and saying how she feels about her dad, why she doesn't want to go there. And in the videos I am very clearly trying to reassure her or stay neutral, but she persistently says she doesn't like going there. Obviously I've kept these quiet as I feel wrong for recording the chats without her consent, but I feel they're important evidence for me should anything get messy and I get accused of manipulating her/being biased towards her dad.

What are peoples thoughts on whether or not I should have the conversation with my daughters about their living situation?

I feel it's a delicate area, as I would never want to pressure them to decide, nor feel trapped between parents. Obviously they have both expressed numerous times over the last year or so, that they wish they lived with me more. I'm just unsure whether I need to have an open chat with them, in mind of things actually being able to change... I suppose it could be worded more like "are you both happy with the current set up or is there anything you'd want to change?" And see what they say?

I know myself they'd be happier with me more, but I wouldn't want to change things in case they have second thoughts/any doubts etc

Don't make it their decision.
It's too big a deal to be put on their shoulders
If it's for their benefit and not just yours then suggest a change to their father and if he still doesn't agree then go to court for a child arrangement order to change the current set up

Don’t ask your girls to decide.

Would it work if you backed off the topic and instead just sign her up for some inconvenient after school clubs and play dates? If it disrupted “his” time you could offer to have dd that day.

”Janey wants DD to play after school on Friday which is your day - if that’s awkward then I don’t mind collecting her and she can stay with me overnight, since she is with me for the weekend anyway.”

And then just keep disrupting so eventually you can say “this pattern doesn’t seem to be working too well. Maybe you just want to do EOW , would it be easier all round? Dd is getting older so of course she needs to do play dates and parties and sleepovers otherwise she’ll be missing out on a lot of things.”

Yes that's my gut feeling too... I would only suggest this change when I feel certain it would benefit them and their emotional well-being.

Obviously I would love to have them with me more too, but it couldn't be framed like that I don't think, as it would appear selfish of me! Whereas I'd be suggesting a change based on the girls and their feelings.

I'm pretty certain I will speak to their dad about it in the new year. I'm just thinking lots about how to word it!

If it was suggested as a solution to a logical problem (in terms of his location/travel time for kids/they're far away from friends etc) I reckon he'd come back and say the logistics work fine and he's ok with the travel! Whereas if I also mention the emotional strain and distress caused, he will already be aware of their strained relationship, so may be harder for him to argue with...

Any advice always appreciated and thank you to everyone whose responded so far, your feedback has been really valuable to me!

I think a lawyer could easier use this to argue parental alienation. OP shouldn't be scheduling anything on dad's time.

Same thing with the videos you're filming of your DD. It could look like coaching or that you're getting your DD purposely worked up about her dad. You say you're staying neutral on the video, but that makes it seem even more shady. Like you're setting up a situation to be able to record your daughter.