My ex and I separated around 6 years ago. We were together for 12, had 2 kids, but he was emotionally abusive to me and it took me a long time to finally leave.
For the last 5 years we have been doing a 50/50 split with time with our kids. The first few years were fine and we were pretty amicable, however the last few years (particularly the las year) things have got really bad and we don't get on at all, and I wouldn't even class us as co-parents anymore, but entirely separate parents.
Our eldest daughter (9) has struggled the last few years with her relationship with her dad. It seems she has experienced similar characteristics and behaviours to what I did (and what caused me to leave my ex) and it's been really, REALLY difficult. Firstly, it triggers me a lot to hear of things my ex has said or done to my daughter/s as they take me back to those experiences of my own. Secondly, it's caused me immense emotional pain seeing my daughter in such awful anxiety and distress, about going to her dad's. Multiple handovers have concluded in her crying in my car, pleading me not to make her go to her dad's, and refusing to get out of the car. It's worth noting sometimes my daughter can be generally quite sensitive and pessimistic and struggles with anxiety, however I believe her experiences with her dad and real and I ensure I validate these feelings when she speaks to me about them.
I now have a partner (for the last 4 or so years) and my ex is now engaged to a woman, who has 3 kids from a previous relationship. My girls have struggled adapting to this change, of having 3 new siblings, and they now all live together. My ex decided to buy a house with his fiance in April, but he now lives 40 minutes away from me, and around 30-35 from the girls school. For context, I live 10-15 mins from their school.
For 5 years we have had the arrangement:
Mon-Weds - me
Weds-Fri - him
Alternate weekends
*Whoever has weekend does Monday school drop off
This means the kids have a 5 day stretch with each parent, followed by a 2 day stretch with each parent.
Since all the issues with my daughter and her dad have gone on, I've found it increasing hard when the girls go to their dads for 5 days. The house feels empty, and I feel truly heartbroken at their absence. It seems most of the time my ex's step kids are living there, so they are rarely totally kid free. Whereas in my house, when my kids go the house is empty.
I am desperately wanting the kids to live with us more. My eldest especially, but also youngest, has expressed multiple times, consistently, and over a period of time, that she wishes she lived with me more. She has asked me why she has to go to her dad's so much, explains that she feels much happier at my house, and wishes she was here more. I know in my gut this is truly how she feels.
I'm thinking of proposing a change in schedule to my ex,.with the girls living with me a little more during term time especially. I'm near to their school, their friends, clubs etc local to school, whereas my ex lives further away and never does playdates or anything for our kids. Apparently they frequently have playdates for the step kids, but our kids have none - this is heavily noted by my eldest in particular.
I'm wondering if anyone has done 50/50 then adapted it over time? How did it pan out? Did the other parent disagree and it had to go through court?
I'm fully expecting my ex to disagree and say he wants them just as much. He has a habit of getting incredibly defensive and is notoriously a very difficult person to deal with. I'm aware I have a lot of trauma from my experiences with him, so often find these situations very difficult as they trigger my nervous system considerably!
Any advice would be really appreciated as I feel this whole thing is totally consuming my thoughts right now!