Would I be stupid to file for final order? (Divorce)

[updownallaroundd]

Hello, looking for some guidance please? 🙏🏻

Conditional order was read on 8th November, meaning my final order can be applied for from 21st December.

Been a long, emotionally taxing divorce so far with a controlling and coercive ex husband, he has all of the wealth and I have nothing but debt 💔

Both of us have had our MIAMs and mediation is scheduled for late February.

I’m desperate to be free of him before the new year starts. He’s put me through hell and my mental health has been so, so poor. I’ve been to and from doctors and mental health facilities all year.

Is there a way I can apply for the final order whilst still keeping the financial part of the divorce open? I hope we will come to a fair agreement in mediation, but I expect it may go to court as he has been secretive and difficult the entire process.

The divorce has been going on almost 3 years.

Mentally, I just need that slip of paper in my hands ( or email 😆) to say I’m no longer tied to him. I’m
Struggling so much.

Thank you 🙏🏻

Sorry - realised I managed to post this in the 30 days section by mistake.

No. Sorry but please sort the finances and then get the final order.

The judge wanted finances sorted and didn’t approve until we’d agreed

@updownallaroundd you can report your own post and ask Mumsnet to move it to legal!

Thank you both. That’s gutting. I’m so desperate to get shot of him, I’ve actually contemplated just walking away and letting him keep everything - mentally I am not sure now much more I can take.

Caveat - I don’t know the legal process, so no advice there. But, I would say - hold out! You’ve come this far and you’re so much closer to the end. There is truth in the saying that it is darkest before dawn. I hear you want to get rid and make a new start psychologically, you will be able to do this once your finances are settled. It’s possible that if you check out now, you may fight less for yourself in the following proceedings (although obvs may go the other way - I don’t know you or your situation).
It’s very common to stop running fast in a race when you feel you are near the finish line - it’s why professional athletes set their gaze beyond the finishing ribbon, so they don’t slow down too soon.
Of course, if your mental health is in tatters then do what you must, but is there another way to resource yourself, eg find a therapist or good friends or a buddy that can support you through the next 3 months? Phoning Samaritans or a women’s health charity so you can vent, cry and feel understood? Facebook groups of soon to be divorced women, etc? It may be useful anyway to set up supports for yourself going forwards.
I wasn’t in your situation but I made a big financial decision a week before a big meeting because I was fearful about safety, and although it changed our families living circumstances for the better short term, it has really altered the financial situation long term and I regret not finding an interim support system that might have encouraged us to hold on. (1 week is obviously very different to 3 months).
Virtual hugs to you and wishing you strength for now and happiness in your future xxx

Don't walk away with less than you deserve. That is what he wants. Hang on, get your money and then go live your best life away from this abusive man. Good luck x

Thank you all. I definitely will continue to fight for what I deserve - I guess I just naively thought perhaps I could get the final order done separately to the finances.

He has taken so much from me already. My happiness, my home, I just want him gone.

I did this, and had to sign something to say I was acting against my solicitor's wishes. Otherwise the judge wouldn't approve it because it was so obviously unfair. Do not do like I did. It was unwise and I did myself a bad turn. That's the thing that sticks with me really- I treated myself as worthless, just as my ex did. I look back and am really hurt that I didn't stand up for myself and what I was worth.

Hang on in there!

Sorry to hear you’ve been through the same. Similarly my ex has treated me appallingly for so so long. I just don’t want anything more to do with him.

I am waiting for a response from my solicitor to see what my options are.. but praying for some kind of Christmas miracle 😅 xx

You’re not shot of him though whilst you haven’t agreed the finances - it’s crap but you’ve got to wait until the financial consent order is approved

Hi @updownallaroundd if you would like us to move this to a more appropriate board please report your thread by using the report function. Simply click on the three dots for the report icon on the top tight of your opening post and we will move it for you.
MNHQ

You can get the final Order done without having finances agreed. They are separate, it’s just not usually advised as it can remove levers and possible bargaining tools and until you have the consent order you’re not financially severed

but you can divorce without it

i am in a very similar situation as OP and this is what my lawyer told me. He also said the main risk is if one of us died before the finances were settled it could potentially become even more complicated. I didn’t do it because I also receive maintenance via an MPS order and I just can’t risk he’d use it as an excuse to stop paying I can’t afford an enforcement hearing.. unfortunately the court system is an enabler for financial (and all types of abuse) it’s horrible when you’re the weaker person and subjected to post separation abuse through the court system itself. My own advice is one of solidarity, stay strong because when your ex senses your desperation it makes them stronger. Let go of the psychological fact you’re still legally married and you’ll find more strength to continue. I say this as someone who is still desperate to press the button and have the piece of paper before the end of the year..sadly I have to wait until 2026 for all the above reasons (divorce filed 2023). Sending strength to you to hang on - you’ll be well set up for the next stage in life if you can manage to get through this bit..

You can do it legally OP, many do. Just don't put the financial order process off. It sounds you have already booked mediation so that's good, although why are you not meeting until late February?

What you need to consider him changing his mind about mediation and being difficult about the court process and what the risks would be in that case.