Kids still living at home unsupported by dad

[lovefrox]

I’m divorced of 3 years, “kids” 21 & 23 years living with me still. Daddy dearest absolved financial responsibility, as over 18 when financial settlement agreed.
I’m still supporting both financially, though they pay a nominal fee for “ housekeeping”
Any advice about how to ease through the door towards independence, before the rod I have made becomes a more leaden weight?

Why are they only paying a nominal fee in housekeeping?

You're basically in a house share now with two other adults and everyone should be paying their way.

Put the dig money up so you're not out of pocket. Stop doing stuff for them too. Hopefully they help with everything.

You sit them down and show them how much it costs to run the house. Technically electric, Internet, food should be split 3 ways and contribution or 3 way split for rent/mortgage and council tax.

Or.....way i was brought up. 1/3 board, 1/3 spend 1/3 save. Easier said than done these days.

The absolute keep point here which you’ve missed out of your op is the ‘why’ of them only paying a nominal amount.

What’s the main issues for you? Are you struggling financially, feeling disrespected by your kids, worrying about their futures, wanting the house to yourself and your life back, all of the above?

The way to encourage adult behaviour is to start treating them like adults. Tbh you’ve done well to establish that they are at least starting on the road to paying their own way - dp’s son was 23 before he paid a penny.

Start talking to them more about money. Put them into a WhatsApp chat for ‘House stuff’ and call a meeting. Present them with the problem, whatever it is, and ask for their views on solutions.

Are they both working?
are you financially struggling?

what do you mean by nominal rent - ie how much.? If they both working full time while you don’t want to profit from them and I’m sure you want to help them
save etc make sure they’re not costing you at the least

I fully expect to be facing this in a few short years.

DS is autistic. He may go to university but suspect he'll need a year or two out even if I get him through A Levels. My income will drop by hundreds at 18 and I very much doubt he'll be bringing anything like that amount in, at that point.

It's a really tough limbo period.

What are your kids doing for work?

Besides the money have you talked to them about what their hopes and dreams are for the next 5 years. It is harder for people this age with high CoL but it's more concerning if they've completely given up hope of making lives for themselves.

As others have said, find out their long term plans, Op. My DD came back to live with me to save money for a flat deposit. I was clear re boundaries with her - didn't charge her any money but expected her to save a lot from her salary. It's taken over 18 months (and a substantial financial contribution from us) but she's just moved into her first property at the age of 27.

There's a fine line between supporting your adult kids and them taking the piss!

Your DC are adults now OP and if they're living with you and paying you housekeeping then presumably they both have jobs? You need to sit them both down and have an adult conversation with them. Explain your financial situation (as I'm guessing this is the crux of the issue) and that they either need to pay you X amount per month to live with you, as that's what it's costing you to have them living there, or they need to start making plans to move out and be self-supporting and if that means getting a second job, so be it.

The other thing you could do is make plans to downsize and push them out of the nest that way - you wouldn't be the first parent to do that. But either way, it's time for some tough love and for them to start supporting themselves.

Do your children have particular needs that require you (or their Dad) to financially support them in adulthood? If so, are they claiming all the benefits/support that they are entitled to?

If not, why are they not supporting themselves? If it's because they are studying, are they entitled to grants/loans? Can they get a part time job?

Finally, why are you only asking a nominal amount? And why are you expecting their father to support them, rather than expecting more of your children?

At their age they need to be paying a decent amount of rent rather than their father still giving money towards their living costs.

Not really sure why you're blaming your exH because you aren't asking for sufficient rent money from the adults that live with you. Surely you don't think your ex should pay maintenance to you for working adults who are earning their own money to pay for their living costs?

Thanks for all the responses - much appreciated. I agree the “rent” should be reviewed & will discuss it with the DS’s
The high CoL is dragging everyone down, & making it harder for them to save to get alternative accommodation. Difficult when the youngest still an apprentice, & earning peanuts.
Trying to be firm, but fair to both.

Thanks- Sage advice.
Difficult with low income & they are demoralised, but will work towards a fairer solution for everyone

Yes it’s a hard call.
as DH left when they were just past 18, I’m left with the overall financial & let’s not forget, emotional support.
not easy.
heading to retirement age but will have to re- think if this continues in the next few years.
Tired!

He has not supported them in the past 3 years.
TBH I didn’t plan or expect things to be this difficult or I would have built contingency into the financial agreement.
hindsight eh?!

He isn’t and never has!

Just out of nosiness, how much is this nominal rent? Are your DC working full time? Are they on or above NMW? Even if on NMW I would expect an absolute minimum of £100pw.

He hasn't supported them for the last 3 years because they are working adults who should be supporting themselves. The time for parental financial support has ended.

If you choose to martyr yourself and pay for them at the expense of your retirement, that's on you. It's nothing to do with your exH. It's also a poor decision, and failing to teach them appropriate levels of financial independence. Your exH is not responsible for your poor decision making.

"Nominal" contributions need to stop. Split ALL rent and bills equally between the three adult earners in the household.

It IS hard and while they are adults it annoys me that people just assume at 18 they can go into the world unsupported. Even more so when separated - if not separated parents generally don’t just cut iff financial support on their 18th birthday

op is clearly trying to support them to save which is admirable and I’d wholeheartedly agree - but you can sit them all down and have a transparent conversation- explain you don’t want make money off of them but you’re struggling too

We have always done a1/3,1/3,1/3 keep, save, spend my eldest three have moved out now but I have a 21,18 and 12 yo at home and the eldest two stick to this.

You have a point.
I’ll just kick them both out and let Social Care pick up where I left off.

Thank you for your understanding.
I’ll get there - was just looking to see other views.

One is on MW, the other is on good money but elusive with the details. In trying to be equitable, I’ve shot myself in the foot I think!