I'm struggling with everything

[WhatHappened1234]

Think i just need people to talk to who are in the same boat as me. I'm really struggling since my husband ended our marriage back in may, uve been crying all day today, he's already with the person he left me for told each other they loved each other 4 days after he ended it with me and then 4 days later I see them messages and thats how I found out and eventually he admitted to emotionally cheating but wont admit he left me for her. But obviously he was emotionally cheating and now he's with her but he doesn't see it that way. He is making me question everything in our relationship but I know what he's saying isn't true or he's just a very good liar the past 20+ years we've been together. I hate that im still struggling nearly 6 months later I have a therapist a safety plan in place etc I love that man with everything I have and I just dont know how he has done this to me, to is our family.

Sounds really hard OP- you are so hurt and questioning how the man you love so much could do this to you . You will move on from this feeling - it’s so hard right now but you will not be here forever. Look after yourself- what do you do to take care of you ? X

I dont even know where to start on that, ive always put my husband and children first and there is always little time for me. Guess im just trying to figure out my new normal. I've been with him since I was 16, its been nearly 6 months since he told me and im still struggling, he's with his person he was cheating on me with and her 2 kids and he acts like its nothing, like it was so easy to do and I hate him for that. Like we meant nothing, like I meant nothing to him

So sorry you’re going through this OP. The most useful thing to remember (and to keep reminding yourself) is that this is absolutely no reflection on you. Nothing to do with you as a person. Their brains are wired differently: in his head this was all about him and pathetically he wasn’t capable of considering you when he was chasing after his cock.

There’s no point trying to rationalise something that isn’t rational is there? What you feel now is hideously painful but you’ll come out of the other side as light and free as a feather, with the best part being it won’t take anywhere as long as you think it will. Ultimately, how happy will he be with a woman like that? Once a cheater always a cheater and he’s proved he’s hardly a catch either. A match made in heaven…

Meanwhile you are free as a bird and can take as much time as you need to work out the new, current, more authentic version of yourself. There are many, many of us who’ve survived this and would look back (if we could be bothered) with amazement at what went on before. Wishing you all the luck in the world x

Thankyoubfor taking the time to reply, its hard to see how ill get to that point but hopefully I do as feeling like this sucks. Just lucky ive got my 4 children to keep me going

How are you doing OP? I hope you and your children had a nice Halloween and bonfire night xxx

The kids had fun thankyou
Me inbthe other hand just feels nothing but sad and empty

Me and the ex had a chat last night and he doesn't see it for what it is he left me for her now I know he lives with her and her kids and my kids told him they want nothing to do with her ever and I said to him how are they going to come have quality time at their dad's house with her there. You've picked her and her kids over our own but he said its not like that but he's a idiot cause I think he just thinks the kids are going to be ok with it or their change their minds which they just might do and thats fine whatever my kids want and their happy thats all that matters but I have a 8 year old who is so confused by everything and now if he wants to stay at his dad's house then he just has to suck it up that she's there my older ones are teenagers and then I have a 3 year old aswell. He doesn't see that to the kids he's confirming he's chose her and her kids over his own which is what they've said to me multiple times and now this is like its saying yes kids I have but your more then welcome. Maybe its me whose reading to much into it I dont know but ive had enough of how I feel and I just want to stop crying but no matter what I do I cant

You have every right to feel sad and to cry.
You have to go through the motions. It will almost feel like a death in a way, as you are grieving the future family life that will never happen and it's bloody hard.
He is a selfish bastard. He doesn't want to be seen as such.

What can you do to make yourself feel better?

1. Self care. It's a big help, even if it's a nice hot bath when the children have gone to bed.
2. Get your affairs in order. Legal advice, Divorce, House, Money, CM payments, it all helps you and your family in the long run of you are cold and methodical over finances etc, and make sure you get your fair share for you and your family (not the crumbs that he might offer).
3. Listen to your children. If they feel uncomfortable seeing him with his new partner, get to court and get something in place. Maybe see them out in neutral territory. For instance he picks them up from school once or twice a week and takes them for tea, or to the park, library, community centre, just him and his children (I'm cannot remember how many kids that you said your had sorry).
4. Do you own your own home? Do you want to stay there? Or dobyou wish to move near your extended family/friends so you can get more support?

I know it's a lot. It will feel shit. Then one day it will get brighter 💐
Hugs to you 🫂

Thankyou for tsking the time to reply
Not home owners so thats one thing we dont have to worry about

I'm trying everything I can to just keep moving forward. Its been 6 months you would think it would be a bit better atleast by now but it just hurts and hurts to think hes already living with this new person etc
There's no remorse I cried by eyes out explaining how hard it is and he didnt once say sorry for making me feel this way or for his actions.

I just dont know how someone spends 20 years with someone then just moves on and cheats before hand then gets with this person and doesn't see it for they left me for her amongst their other reasons. All whilst I had no idea they were apparently so unhappy, none of their actions said that and when I asked was told stress from work

I'm trying to get everything in order amd find a new house for me amd the kids as being here im full of all the good memories and then the ones where he destroyed me and all the lies and deceit

I have heard on mumsnets that men recite the same garbage, and its from the same playbook. It's called the script. I will try and find a link.
This is all on him. He will try to rewrite history. It will be difficult. He wants to blame everyone and everything but himself.
You need to secure your financial future and please know that you are coping amazingly well. It may not feel it, but you are a very strong woman indeed to have gotten through everything this far. Especially when it feels like he has blindsided you amd pulled the rug from underneath you.
Grey rock this man. Do not contact him.unless it is in reference to the children.
I think you can get an app where the contact goes through it, I'm sure I read another mnet poster mention this.
I will find out xx

I googled cheaters script and found an old mumsnet thread...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2558126-The-Cheating-Mans-Script

Furthermore, I found a blog (just google The script book by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer) which gives an amazon link...
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/It also says this blurb...The end of the book has this cute little story about a man going to a lingerie shop with his mistress. It plays out like this:At the beginning when he walks into the store he relishes buying her the whole set – a low-cut French bra, thong, garter belt and lace stockings. She talks about wanting to get married because she adores him.During that year he comes in several times and always buys the sexiest lingerie for her.Then the couple’s dreams come true, he divorces his wife and marries her.The next time he goes into the store, he tells the clerk that he cannot buy the bra anymore because his wife has to now come in to try it on first. Of course, she never had to try it on before.A few months later he goes in to buy the whole set but not the bra or the thong, as his wife told him they were too uncomfortable. So he just bought the garter belt and the stockings.Things are going well for the newly married couple but the next time the man goes into the lingerie store, he tells the clerk that his wife requested that he just buy some nice cotton underpants. That will do the job.

In regards to co parenting apps, if you decide to go through court for contact etc.
A lot of Mumsnetters use our family wizard app.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5419443-co-parenting-apps-as-per-uk-law

Also make sure you are getting any benefits and CM payments that you are entitled to.
A divorce can get nasty and some men will offer crumbs, just to spite the wife, even though it denies their own children.

I hate to say it, but I know very similar to what you are going through. STBExH came out as gay in April after being indecisive for the previous few months and he'd gone and found someone to have sex with online. We have a 3 year old and a 7 year old.

We are still living together, because it is easier for the kids. We have a big house, so plenty of space for him to have his own bedroom and separate living room to hang out in the evening, but its wearing me down.

He is so completely normal, happy and getting on with life. I'm on antidepressants and having to pay for counselling. I just don't understand how he just cares so little for the 11 years we were together. We're struggling to get our house sold, its a shite time of year to be selling, and with the upcoming budget its even worse.

I know I just need to get out the house and have my own space, but can't afford to to pay rent and half the mortgage too. I am managing to keep civil for the sake of the kids. I've a co-worker who is going through a really bitter custody and access argument with his ex-wife over their child and I've vowed never to get like that. My co-worker has turned into a bitter man because of it and I don't want to turn out like that, he doesn't get to see his child, and I'd hate that, and at the same time, I couldn't handle the stress or responsibility of caring for our 2 children completely on my own either.

I just need to get the house sold so I can move on. I mean, I'll never trust another man again, so that's not what I mean by moving on, but just so I don't have to see his smug happy face every day

Thankyou

I have no idea what im doing so any help is great and much appreciated.

I'm waiting to hear back from mediation, and I've filed just waiting to seebif its going to be accepted etc

It doesn't feel right any of this

Other mumsnetters swear by a blogger named chump lady. She is enlightening.
https://www.chumplady.com/he-didnt-suck/

I'm sorry that this has happened. Some horrible bastards want to have their cake and eat it too.
They will be lovely while everything is going their way (live at home or OW, have their own disposable income, while you bear the load / responsibility of the children).
But when it's all official and money gets split and they have to split assets and child responsibilities properly,some men turn spiteful (not all men) and their true colours show, as it's not all rosily going their way and they have less control.
I have seen cheaters be absolutely fine with dumping their wife and family, but when their ex wife finds another partner, the ex husband is like a jealous toddler throwing a tantrum. It is pathetic. 😠 😡 😤

Please know that it will be hell at first (you are living it now) but once you get it all official and make sure you get a shit hot lawyer )or even a forensic accountant if they are self employed and try to hide assets) to get your half/money you're entitled to) then it should hopefully get a bit brighter. 🫂

Mums net will be a support network for you, i promise. It has been a light in a dark room for myself.
It provided a welcome distraction for me, not only with the threads, but also the puzzles and crosswords everyday, so that I can focus on something else for 5 mins, other than my own grief, which was eating away at me if I stopped keeping busy.
I lost my mum in the summer and just powered through for 6 months. It hit me like a bus, only last week, and I struggled.
You will find a lot of kindness on mumsnet, and quite a fair bit of good advice from lovely people 💐 keep reaching out when you need help xxx

I can absolutely relate to this. It is so hard to feel the total devastation and grief whilst the other person appears to feel very little remorse and move on like nothing ever happened. It's very unsettling and makes you rethink your whole history with the person.

My experience was 14 year relationship and married 8 (well, actually still married because still need to start the divorce process).

He all of a sudden decided he wasn't happy but there was another women/some decit.

He met someone else within 6 months who he holidays with occasionally. He is so happy and moved on.

I on the other hand am only just getting to a stable place after processing it all. It's been 2 and a half years. I find his lack of emotion very unsettling and it's made me question a lot.

This will hurt but you will get through it. Just one step at a time. You sound like you are doing all the right things.

Yeah i just can't wrap my head round it

Someone that I was with since being 16 could just replace me like that, like i was nothing and still question me, so your crying like this for me, told him that it may be 6 months later but my heart isnt quiet catching up quickly enough. That I cant just turn my feelings off like he has and act like we didn't spend half our lives together. And the fact I still love him but maybe there's something wrong with me for feeling that way who knows

I'm also the same, the lack of emotion and the fact he cant see what hes done is wrong

@WhatHappened1234I am so sorry. It's so hard but your response is just a sign that you cared and that the relationship mattered to you.

I think we will drive ourselves mad trying to understand them and how their brains work. It definitely does get easier but healing isn't straightforward.

I have healed a lot but I still have jolts that upset me because there is a lot of history. My ex rang me today. I know he is on holiday with this women he met and he said 'We are just going'. It was the 'we' he used. It unsettled me because 'we' used to mean me and him. BUT the pain is not as intense as it was so it does get easier 💐

I really hope it does cause i hate feeling this way. My head knows what everyone is saying and it thinks it aswell but then my heart just wont let go.

Still feel like at some point I will wake up from this nightmare, even my dreams are playing with me, that we end up back together. But when we've grown and worked through things and it was everything it should be but then I wake up. So there's no escape

@WhatHappened1234
You don't love him. You love who he was, who you thought he was, what you had and what you thought you had. It's gone.
He didn't just turn off his feelings for you. You must understand he checked out emotionally long before he left you and your children. He has walled off his emotion to the children so he doesn't have to face the absolutely horrible thing he has done to them and you. Do not try and sort out his psychology; the why; the how... just don't.
It's great you have a counsellor. Your children likely need therapy, too. The situation is devastating.
To move forward you must separate your hurt self from your intellectual self and put your game face on in all legal matters. You cannot be a victim in those dealings. You must be strong, tough, brutal, analytical. Be a bitch. You need to do that for your kids and for you. If you allow yourself to be emotional in the legal matters you will do all of you a disservice that cannot be repaired.
Cry in therapy, the shower, your car. But. Be a mother fucking bitch where your ex in concerned.
It sucks and there isn't any way to sugar coat it. You can get through it, you will get through it and you and your children will be closer and stronger than ever. Be there for them in all respects.

I wish I could be as strong as you sound.
I'm hoping it will come with time.
I will always be there for my kids I have since day 1 and that will never change.
And I always have their backs even if people hate me for it then so be it I really dont care, their hearts are the only things that matter to me.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me

Don't be fooled - I'm not always as tough as the post comes across. I'm speaking from experience about how you need to be, though. You can do it. And it must come now, not in time.
I've no doubt you're there for your kids. 🩷
They need you now more than ever. They need to see you handing this.
I promise you that you will get through this.
Sending you support and lots and lots of sympathy. There are far too many posts here of women f' ed over like this. 🤬
Not sure if i understood, or not, but don't cry to him. Keep all communication through solicitors. You are giving your power away otherwise, you are not going to get what you want or need from him and you're not going to get closure from him.

I dont think he will ever give me closure, he doesn't see anything hes done as wrong. Just got to accept he never loved, respected or appreciated me the way I did him and thats a bitter pill to swallow.

One day I hope it gets better, cause im fed up of crying, fed up of feeling jealous that hes with her and not me but I know thats who he was with me that im missing and not who he is now cause the person he is now I dont recognise him at all

@WhatHappened1234
You've had the rug pulled out from you for sure.
It takes a long time to get over what happened and to heal. Your feelings are valid. 💐

Make a plan to move forward. On one hand it's only been 6 months, but on the other.... it's been 6 months.
You might be a bit stuck in the moment. Maybe chat about that with your therapist? And if your therapist is just letting you vent and wallow, please find another. I know quite a few people who have done EMDR after a period of talk therapy with success.

www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

Thankyou, hopefully this is my turning point who knows