Can I say no ?

[ilovepeonies]

Husband and I split in January. married 6 years - he had an affair and left

his earnings £9000 pcm
mine £900 pcm (currently working 2 days a week will increase once I move)

my savings £40,000 (inheritance from parent who died recently)
his savings 0

property equity 425k (his before marriage)
his second property 100 k
his pension 80k (I dont have a pension)

He is proposing to give me 260k but wants me to live within a 'convenient location' to London where he lives. I am really struggling to find a home for me myself, child and dog. We really need a little bit of outside space for child and dog (bedtime wee etc) and I cant bare to rehome our family pet. Can i say no to this amount or does it seem fair? he also wants to give £600 child maintenence but CMS is saying £900 when i calculate it. (hes self employed)

I am wanting to go to west sussex where I can afford a property for that price but he is saying no. mediation is not changing this - he is firmly not allowing me to go there.

I am looking at shared ownership options in surrey however I think I will be financially stretching myself with the rent cost and it would also mean i need to put down 30k of my savings for my cash share of the home (50%)

the marital home is sold and due to complete in december and I currently have nowhere to go apart from my mums.

I could rent in surrey but I will need to look for a new job because of relocating from London the cost of trains, childcare, dog care wouldn't be worth me keeping my current job and it also doesnt work timing wise with breakfast club/after school club and my working hours.

I am really really at a loss. Our mediator has told me to borrow money from family or get a loan to make 260k work and I have said I dont want to get in debt when my job, housing etc is already so uncertain

All I can think to do is to move to my mums temporarily to try and find my feet and homeschool my child or enroll her in a school there but my ex is saying no.

I cant piece together how to move to a new location, get a job with enough hours to afford rent until I wait for the shared ownership property I have applied for to be build and finished (May 2026)

As it currently stands im going to be homeless in 6 weeks and everything feels very heavy.

History of coercive and financial control

Please help me (and be kind I am feeling very low)

You need a decent lawyer - ask on the Wokingham fb group there are several in that area people recommend to women in abusive relationship who are fantastic and will help you

Honestly I cant afford one. I do have a solicitor but only use when I really need to and not eligable for legal aid as i have my inheritence

His equity before marriage is irrelevant unless it’s a very short marriage. 50% is only the starting point and due to his huge income you should be asking for a larger % plus spousal maintenance on top of cm to enable you to live where he is asking (which I can completely understand why, he wants to be able to coparent). Unfortunately you do need a solicitor to write a letter stating what you need to live in x place

He only see's her once every 2 weeks and so far hasn't really turned up to do this which has meant Ive had to cancel a lot of my plans etc

Doing full financial disclosure in mediation atm. took 8 moths for him to engage in mediation and now he wont share his bank statements which is part of the disclosure to come to a fair settlement ( i have shared mine)

I've wasted thousands so far on a solicitor to try and come to an agreement and its been a complete waste of money :(

Im trying my hardest to co-parent. driving child over to him when he wants to see her (on my weekends with her) offering to drive her one way if we move 90 miles away instead of 40 miles away ... (the commute time to london is near enough the same with the train schedules. it differs by about 15 minutes difference)

He's still exercising his control.

How much access to DC is he wanting/having now?

And how long would travelling take for him/ you to facilitate access?

I think you have to spend some money with a solicitor to get proper advice.

And be aware as he's self employed is income might become so low that he doesn't have to pay any maintenance for you DC.

Personally I'd move to where you have support, facilitate access and infer that you are going to to move closer to him at an as yet unspecified later date. Is he wanting 50:50 child care? If not see if you can get a split in money that reflects what will happen . If DC is not yet 5 I'd just take them out if school until you know where you will be.

Is he likely to threaten being the resident parent, and if he does how likely is this to actually become reality?

You say he has no savings? On £9k/month . What was he spending his money on? Yachts, cars, race horses, drugs, watches? These are all assets that could be potentially split, or he's hiding his savings somewhere so as well as a solicitor a forensic accountant might be worth while.

Just seen your update. You need a better solicitor. And ring fence your contact time. Keep a log of every time he's a no show/ cancels.

Yes, he is still exercising control and its making me feel very low

He has her every other weekend but a lot of the time he doesnt show up. In mediation he is saying he wants me to be closer so he can help with childcare but hes only 15 minutes down the road now and hardly see's our child.

He has also said my mum is not my support network in mediation and the abuse is filtering into mediation

god knows what he spends his money on. He made me leave my job in february to accomodate our childs school needs as he wouldnt let her to go kids club and now although I have a job again my income is currently very low and im trying to retain my savings as a safety net for myself and daughter for the future while I look for work etc in new location. I also need to buy furniture etc

DC is 5 unfortunately so can't just take out of school

I just feel so low and cant piece together all of the puzzle to figure out how to make this new life work. I thought the court wanted the standard of living for both parties to stay the same? however he's living in very central london now (extortonate rent) and I am really struggling to figure out how im going to make living in surrey affordable to facilitate his request of being close

NEVER have mediation with an abuser!!! Please contact women’s aid for advice

contact womens aid

They have solicitors who are experienced in dealing with abusers who can help you.

Have you made a proposal with the amount that you would need in order to be able to live in the area he is proposing?

Sounds like mediation is over OP, because he has manipulated the mediator. Have you looked up Rights of Women lawyers?

Contact Women’s Aid OP.
As a pp said, propose the costs it would be to live where he suggests but personally I would move to where your actual support network is.
Keep a log of everything but when you deal with him be cordial and detached. And definitely keep your savings OP.

Please don’t stress about setting up house. It’s amazing what stuff you can get second hand and you will be able to make your new home a lovely age space once you know where.

Thankyou all - No luck with womens aid legal services as of yet. I've been trying to get through for a few weeks but never get an answer, as im sure there's lots of women going through the same sort of thing

The mediator said to me if i dont attend anymore i need to be the one to make the court application. Is this true?

I am so sorry you are going through this, it's hard! If mediation is not working for you, it makes sense to stop now. It will just run you down and knock your confidence and self belief. Remember this man is no longer your trustworthy friend or confidante and you owe him nothing. All he is interested in is keeping as much money as possible, and his child being available when or if it suits him, whilst you do all the work. As the poster above suggested, lawyer up. Communicate only through your lawyer about anything to do with your divorce and copy your lawyer in regarding any child arrangements made and broken. If he calls you , don't answer. Email only. He won't like it, but you know, that's his problem. If he starts getting nasty, instruct your lawyer to send a letter telling him to stop harassing you. Be prepared to go to court and mean it. You do not have to be amenable to him now. You have funds which understandably you want to protect for yours and your child's future, but this IS your future and you need to access some of it now to help you to stand your ground. Log and screenshot everything to do with him. Come up with what you need as a reasonable settlement offer with your lawyer and send it to him. No , he won't like it, but you need to start driving this at full speed.
Womens Aid sounds a good shout too.
You can do this. Get the walls up, he will almost definitely underestimate you. Take charge, drive this. You CAN do this

Why is your income so low? Have you claimed benefits yet and if not why not?

The marriage is relatively short but there is a child. You won’t be put back to where you were before marriage but you cannot expect a huge settlement plus spousal. If he is self employed it is going to be hard to establish a salary of £9k per month. What are you basing that on because self employed people rarely declare that level of personal income. Plus at level of income you can’t use CMS calculators.

in answer to your question, which isn’t specific, you can turn down the offer of £260k. But then you have to state what you want and maybe go to court to get it.

In terms of moving, you can live wherever you want but you cannot move your joint child to wherever. You need his consent to move schools.

You could ask for spousal support but it would reduce any benefits you can claim on a £ for £ basis. With a self employed person you are better off with benefits.

Why are you discussing your plans? Why don't you just move? If you moved then his court application would be in the jurisdiction in which the child lived.

He'd probably go for shared care? He'd likely get it too and they could order you to move back. Not sure how likely that is.

Log him not turning up to child contact as that will go against him in court.

You leaving mediation doesn't preclude him from making a court application, no.

Why not just get where you want to be living and work out his contact from there?

Mediation isn't recommended when there has been abuse op. Your mediator should know that.

You should cease the mediation and get this to court where he will be given deadlines to produce statements etc.

The only hesitation would be that he's self employed and could change his income to flex the outcome.

OP you need a good solicitor. And honestly I don’t think a judge would sign off that FO. Please get decent legal advice.

Can I ask why you dont think they would sign that off?

I only work 2 days a week at the moment. It will increase when I relocate and find a new job with more hours

If you move to West/Mid Sussex near a train line it’s 45min to an hour from central London, I’m not sure it would be considered unreasonable for you to move somewhere with easy access and less than an hour from him on public transport. Let him take you to court for regular access, stop running around after him, make him spend his money.

Yes stop facilitating contact. Move in with your Mum “temporarily” whilst finances are resolved.

Is your DD already 5?

Sorry I see DD is already 5. I would go, report him for coercive control. If you are forced to move back you won’t be in a worse position than you are now.

But on a low salary you can’t UC and that will boost your income considerably.