Help me not humiliate myself with ex by begging

[TenseNervousHelp]

NC for this because I'm paranoid ex might clock me.

Please help. I've moved into a new place I hate, DC hasn't moved in to do the planned 50/50 (yet?) can't articulate why but exams coming up and of course everything is strange.

I want to go see my ex and beg him to let me move back into FMH to coparent. I'd have to suck up having no security and having bought another house I'd have to sell at a loss and him dating someone else.

I don't think I can do this by myself. Not having DC is killing me but I'm not v emotionally storing. I can't believe this is my life now. I'm so so scared and so unable to get myself out of this hole. I know rationally my ex isn't the answer but the answer is me and I can't see how to fix everything.

I expect ex would just say no. Why wouldn't he? He's got everything he wanted, the FMH (which I didn't like and chose to leave, stupidly didn't factor in DC feeling like that's their home), the new gf, no me. I have mostly ignored him since he dropped the "we're over, I've got a gf" bombshell.

Hurts so much.

Not very emotionally strong

OP look your DC will struggle with change but you and the ex need to make 50/50 work if it’s week on and week off it’s a decent routine as long as the DC has everything they need in both houses and it’s all within distance of their current friends, schools etc? Is it?

Sounds like you are also struggling with change and you need to try and make your new place something you enjoy.

How old are your DC and how long ago did you move out?

Remember this, nothing stays the same forever. You will move on from this and become stronger, more resilient. Life is never static. For now, go with the flow and know soon, your time will come to make things better.

That would be odd and confusing for all of you. How far away are you? You’ll get used to your new home.

Is he your husband? If you're on the deeds of the house he's in, you can live there if you want.

If you've bought a new property will that count as a marital asset in the divorce?

Not married. New house approx 15 mins walk from old, both close to school. I moved out last month after months and months of cohabiting w ex. I'm a gibbering wreck. 1 DC aged 15. Stayed a handful of nights.

This isn’t the solution. You need to just pause and take a breath. Lots of people move and take a long time to settle-don't panic that it isn't instant. You can make this place a home. When you do that and your DC sees you less anxious and calmer and not jittery or desperate he will come round. Its a place of new beginnings which is really scary but also a place where you will heal and experience new opportunities. You can do it. Perhaps get help with these big feelings. It’s possible your son senses it and cant handle it. Slowly build a life, one tiny step at a time. Some steps will feel huge. Buy yourself a lovely cosy blanket and a new favourite cup and focus on tiny things that make you happy each day.

If you're not on the deeds of the mans house you can't ask him if you can live in his house.
I get that you're upset, but focus on settling into your property. At 15 years old it up to your teenager where s/he wants to sleep and live, you don't need any contact with the ex boyfriend at all.
Will you have to pay him CMS?

However hard it is now or how unbelievable it feels that you can remain strong, you definitely can, trust me.

You will look back on this as the pivotal moment in your life where you said YOU matter and you most certainly DO NOT NEED him.

You will amaze yourself at just how amazingly strong and powerful you are.

From experience I would say stop yearning for your old home and concentrate on making your new house into a home. Be kind and gentle with yourself- acknowledge how you feel and work through it
Things change- it’s likely that it won’t be long before your 15 year old is spending less time at his dad’s house. Make your place Cosy and welcoming for both of you

Yes, I realise I have no legal right to live there. I could ask him but he is v v v likely to say no given he doesn't want a rship w me. I'm just not coping alone. No mention of CMS yet but presumably that will come if DC doesn't want to do 50/50. So I'd have to pay my ex for a situation I absolutely didn't want. I'm heartbroken.

You’ll get through this. And when you do you’ll look back and be proud of yourself. Don’t beg him for anything, because that life doesn’t exist anymore. Make your home how you want it, heal yourself, spend time with your child and move forwards.

Focus on making your home exactly how you want it. Be really kind to yourself and do more of the things that make you happy.
You will be ok. It’s a massive change and it’s ok to be a bit wobbly while you get used to it.

It’s a huge change so it’s bound to feel dreadful

can you articulate what you hate about the new place so we can see if there are suggestions to make it better ?

He’s got a new gf. She won’t want you in the house with him when she can’t see what he’s up to. So I’d suggest no point in embarrassing yourself by asking. It’s over. You need to move on.

It’s good you have a new house. What is it exactly that dc dont like about it? The games console isn’t there? The broadband is too slow? They don’t have their favourite duvet cover? Their friends arent next door anymore? You expect them to sit and keep you company in the living room as you're lonely?

Whatever it is you can change it and make yours be more like home. Because it is now your home. Whether any of you like it or not. How about pizza night or do something else dc likes?

It must be so hard but you can do this and it’ll be ok. Hes a bastard for cheating so don’t give him any satisfaction.

Not having DC is killing me but I'm not v emotionally storing.

I'm going to be harsh here, but your one child is 15. Provided they go to university, you ve got less than three years of them being around anyway.

Surely a child of that age is out and about more than they're with you anyway, at school and with friend or I would hope so.

Please don't beg it's the one thing you can keep yourself respect and dignity. No, one can take that away from you, but you can give it away yourself.

You don't have your partner any more but you have yourself respect.I would concentrate on improving your own life rather than clinging onto the home.And your child, who won't be a child for much longer.

You need to build a life that isn’t dependent on your DC. They are 15 and will pulling away from you ever increasingly and having their own life.

Change can be very hard and painful. You need to build connections with other people.

You can ask your DC to come for lunch/dinner, for an evening if they don’t want to stay over etc. Take them out for lunch or drink.

Change can be hard but you know it's not really an option to go back.
This is your new home - it might not feel like it yet, but it will.
One day at a time.

How would it work if his new gf cones to the house, sleeps over etc. Surely that thought alone makes you not want to beg?

Grit your teeth, OP. Just get through this, one day at a time. Can you do some bits in your new place so it feels more like you? Decorate, buy some cushions. get some pictures up?

And make a list of all the BAD stuff your ex did. Even if it's just snoring, penny pinching, watching football every week end. Try to think of everything they did that annoyed you, or that you wished they'd stop or that spent money you didn't have. Put that list up in the kitchen and look at it every time you go in.

Your DS is just harking back to the familiar. Chances are his dad won't want him there all the time cramping his style with the new woman and DS will get bored being left on his own a lot while they are loved up.

You will be okay, just keep telling yourself that. Change is hard, but building yourself a new life on your own terms is the only way forward. Your whole life has been upended, you’re bound to be wobbly. But it will get better, it just takes time x

Do something positive for the house every single day, even if it’s just planning. Plant a herb out on a windowsill and see if you can get it to thrive. Think about some bulbs for the spring, or better still a hyacinth bulb pot for Christmas to make everything smell wonderful. Get a lamp you really love for the bedroom - I can spend months on eBay looking for things like that.., Some beautiful scented soap so that you have a little spirit lift every time you wash your hands. Message an old friend, see if you can have an actual phone call. Speak to an elderly relative (though not one with a better social life than yours, that was always happening to me!)

You didn’t want this but you planned and got on with it. You are easily accessible to your dc and will be seeing them soon, offer them a plan for a meal next week maybe. You are doing it, whether you feel strong or not.

Thanks all. Grit teeth, check. Don't beg, check. Not sure I have much self respect left but yes. Not seeing ex is better than seeing him but don't want extra pressure on DC to sort all arrangements.

New place needs more work than I thought. Feel overwhelmed at having to get anything fixed. Feels wrong. Smells wrong. Everything just a bit shit. Change sucks.

Pizza night good idea. Friends over too maybe. DC doesn't game but could maybe get a console. I will have a lot of time on my hands.

Its really hard starting over, its exhausting mentally. I remember feeling totally overwhelmed with lots of anxiety.

I chose my situation but it still brings lots of uncertainty in your mind.

Embrace all your emotions and just realise these feelings won't be forever.