Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave

27 replies

WhatIsAScottishEgg · 26/10/2025 10:13

I know. Such a cliche. I'm fundamentally unhappy, cannot see a way that it will get better despite him being a good guy who clearly loves me. We will both be ok financially although I'm the higher earner so will look to buy him out. We have one child who is 9. Is it ever ok to leave a marriage and ruin everyone's lives just because you're not happy?

OP posts:
curious79 · 26/10/2025 10:30

It is okay to do that, but I would exhaust every other avenue first.

  • Therapy to understand what else might be missing
  • A trip away from your husband and your son to see how you feel after two weeks. It can be dressed up as pure health purposes
  • New hobbies as a family, new ways of doing things. You may just still be stuck in a rut and accepting that as inevitable
  • are you depressed or menopausal? Could that be contributing?
  • Has your DH stopped doing something he used to do or do you need him to start doing something different?
etc

good luck!!! X

curious79 · 26/10/2025 10:32

Things being okay and mediocre is a perfectly valid reason to not be happy with them

user793847984375948 · 26/10/2025 10:36

Even if it did ruin everyone's lives, which it doesn't,

you're ruining your life. You're 'fundamentally unhappy' which is so sad given you have a beautiful young child to enjoy.

You're literally sacrificing your life here. That's totally your choice but actually will you be the best parent? Or are you a better parent when you're happy?

Do you even want to live the rest of your life unhappy? Is that really a choice you are going to make for yourself? If so, I'd quit the agonising over it and just lean in. No point being unhappy AND stressed out is there?

LittleBearPad · 26/10/2025 10:49

What have you done to make things better?

SilverLinings123 · 26/10/2025 12:41

curious79 · 26/10/2025 10:30

It is okay to do that, but I would exhaust every other avenue first.

  • Therapy to understand what else might be missing
  • A trip away from your husband and your son to see how you feel after two weeks. It can be dressed up as pure health purposes
  • New hobbies as a family, new ways of doing things. You may just still be stuck in a rut and accepting that as inevitable
  • are you depressed or menopausal? Could that be contributing?
  • Has your DH stopped doing something he used to do or do you need him to start doing something different?
etc

good luck!!! X

I have to say, of all the replies I’ve seen to original posts like the one above, this is one of the rare breed that IMHO does the right thing and suggests ways to fix stuff, rather than the majority of responses which normally say to just chuck it in.

I’m on the receiving end of a very difficult separation and now divorce and I know I can hold my head high and say I think I did my best to try to prevent it, rather than simply throwing in the towel and hastening it.

OP, I’d urge you to follow the advice given by this excellent post above and only then consider ending it. Everything is so disposable these days, try not to add to the pile of it.

jeaux90 · 27/10/2025 08:00

Of course it’s ok. You have one life.

jamaisjedors · 27/10/2025 08:36

This book is basically about your situation, worth a read, it helped me when I was considering divorce, but I was in an abusive relationship so leaving was definitely the right decision.

I agree with a pp that divorce is so huge that you need to be sure that you have done everything you can before you leave, it will help dealing with the grief of it all if you do eventually leave.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/46681.Too_Good_to_Leave_Too_Bad_to_Stay

WhatIsAScottishEgg · 27/10/2025 12:10

Thank you so much. For background, I lost my Dad ten years ago and my Mum two years ago. The latter being a huge loss and one I haven't even began to deal with. I have the "big" job and work a lot of hours yet still do probably 70% around the home and the majority of the mental load. I am 46 so smack bang in the middle of perimenopause. Our sex life has always been unfulfilling (PE) and now I avoid it. I don't feel physically or emotionally connected to him, yet he IS a great friend. After reading this yesterday I've really taken some time to think about next steps and how I can work on myself to make sure I am making the right decisions. I am going to book an appointment with my GP to look at HRT and also look at some counselling through work to address some of the issues around my Mum passing.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 27/10/2025 13:28

You can leave a marriage for any reason. If you’re not happy, that’s a very valid reason.

Sashya · 27/10/2025 22:03

I agree with Curious79.
Thing is - people on MN always advocate leaving whenever someone says they are unhappy. But it is quite simplistic approach as it doesn't go into deeper into - WHY are you unhappy....
If - it's really him that is making you unhappy - by all means, do leave, as your life would improve.

However, most of the time, people don't possess the level of self-awareness to know what specifically makes them unhappy. And, it can be a multitude of factors, most unrelated to the partner in question, and/or some related to things that can be fixed. Additionally - peri/menopause does play a huge role.

I have seen several friends go through divorces in that age - when hormones fluctuations, coupled with general aging, kids growing up and parents getting unwell/passing - all ends up in a perfect storm of general and deep unhappiness. Leading to divorces that solve exactly none of the issues that caused the unhappiness.
And these women are now older and lonelier. Financially worse off, and no happier than before divorce.

SilverLinings123 · 28/10/2025 17:52

Sashya · 27/10/2025 22:03

I agree with Curious79.
Thing is - people on MN always advocate leaving whenever someone says they are unhappy. But it is quite simplistic approach as it doesn't go into deeper into - WHY are you unhappy....
If - it's really him that is making you unhappy - by all means, do leave, as your life would improve.

However, most of the time, people don't possess the level of self-awareness to know what specifically makes them unhappy. And, it can be a multitude of factors, most unrelated to the partner in question, and/or some related to things that can be fixed. Additionally - peri/menopause does play a huge role.

I have seen several friends go through divorces in that age - when hormones fluctuations, coupled with general aging, kids growing up and parents getting unwell/passing - all ends up in a perfect storm of general and deep unhappiness. Leading to divorces that solve exactly none of the issues that caused the unhappiness.
And these women are now older and lonelier. Financially worse off, and no happier than before divorce.

As a bloke, I recognise so much of what you say. I don’t wish to remove agency from my STBXW but….the consensus from family, friends and independent parties (male and female) is that she is having some kind of breakdown triggered by personal circumstances and the menopause. A perfect storm indeed. Some of the behaviour has been absolutely baffling - genuinely irrational. It’s v v sad but she’s done so much damage and has made her decision v clear so that there’s no going back.

I take no pleasure from the thought that one day in the future she may regret it.

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2025 07:33

Blueuggboots · 27/10/2025 13:28

You can leave a marriage for any reason. If you’re not happy, that’s a very valid reason.

That’s not really the point of a marriage though. It’s not meant to be disposable.

Newnametrt · 30/10/2025 07:48

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2025 07:33

That’s not really the point of a marriage though. It’s not meant to be disposable.

It’s not meant to be a prison either

2fullones · 30/10/2025 07:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2025 07:50

Newnametrt · 30/10/2025 07:48

It’s not meant to be a prison either

There’s a big range between a prison and it being fine to leave a marriage for any reason

Blueuggboots · 30/10/2025 07:56

@LittleBearPad- not disposable but if you’re unhappy, life isn’t disposable either….

Theseventhmagpie · 30/10/2025 08:06

SilverLinings123 · 26/10/2025 12:41

I have to say, of all the replies I’ve seen to original posts like the one above, this is one of the rare breed that IMHO does the right thing and suggests ways to fix stuff, rather than the majority of responses which normally say to just chuck it in.

I’m on the receiving end of a very difficult separation and now divorce and I know I can hold my head high and say I think I did my best to try to prevent it, rather than simply throwing in the towel and hastening it.

OP, I’d urge you to follow the advice given by this excellent post above and only then consider ending it. Everything is so disposable these days, try not to add to the pile of it.

I really agree with both these posts. It could be that the sadness you feel OP is inherent in you rather than being caused by the marriage and I would definitely explore that first before looking at divorce.

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2025 08:09

Blueuggboots · 30/10/2025 07:56

@LittleBearPad- not disposable but if you’re unhappy, life isn’t disposable either….

Will you be putting that on a bumper sticker?

Easy come, easy go and bugger the impact on people around you.

Blueuggboots · 30/10/2025 08:23

@LittleBearPad- so she’s supposed to stay and just be miserable? Wow.

Mischance · 30/10/2025 08:34

There is so much that needs addressing here, not least that your sexual relationship is so flawed by your OH's problems. For some a satisfactory sexual relationship is part of the glue of their marriage. Its absence does not help for any partnership.

There needs to be a discussion between the two of you. You clearly do not wish to drop the bomb of divorce on your family unless there is no other way. It might be the right decision for you or it might not, but all options need exploring.

You say you are married to a good man which is a basic good start and not the case for many, so you have a foundation to build on - you just need to think through where you believe the sources of your unhappiness lie and see whether these can be addressed in some way. If you try and there is no solution within the marriage then you will have the basis for an amicable divorce knowing you have explored all avenues.

BoredZelda · 30/10/2025 08:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

There doesn’t need to be a drip, it’s right there in the OP. She is working a “big job” but also doing 70% of the housework. That’s a lot.

@WhatIsAScottishEgg

I could have written this exact post 5 years ago. Many things can be true at once. The first step is to talk to your husband about sharing the load. If he is as great as you say, then he will understand and start picking up the slack. Be specific, hand over tasks that would make your life easier. E.g I need you to cook 4 times a week, you need to do the school run, vacuuming is now your job, you do it twice a week etc. More likely it’s the mental load that’s causing a problem, hand that off to him.

You do need to see a GP about your mental health. For me the catalyst to do so was anxiety, but the medication has definitely helped my mood. Looking back, I was sliding into depression. Medication has really helped.

Once those two things are sorted, you will be in a better frame of mind and able to assess your relationship. When I was in the same place as you, my relationship was my target, because it was the only thing I could control. He was the reason I was unhappy and leaving to find me, and maybe someone else who was more, I dunno, exciting, would fix my problems. But having thought about what I have and where I am, that’s not what I want. I’m happy with steady, I don’t need someone else. I need my husband who bumbles along in life, is a homebody, enjoys the same thing I do. He isn’t whisking me off for romantic weekends or telling me he loves me every day. He is making me laugh, he is doing a load of little things which shows he loves me. That’s what I want and need. That’s what makes me happy. I carve out “me time”, I protect it, I take it. That really helped me too.

It might be for you, that isn’t enough. And that’s ok. You don’t have to stay, you can leave for you. You will be a better mother to your daughter if you are happy.

BoredZelda · 30/10/2025 08:48

SilverLinings123 · 28/10/2025 17:52

As a bloke, I recognise so much of what you say. I don’t wish to remove agency from my STBXW but….the consensus from family, friends and independent parties (male and female) is that she is having some kind of breakdown triggered by personal circumstances and the menopause. A perfect storm indeed. Some of the behaviour has been absolutely baffling - genuinely irrational. It’s v v sad but she’s done so much damage and has made her decision v clear so that there’s no going back.

I take no pleasure from the thought that one day in the future she may regret it.

Of course you take pleasure in it “man here.” That means you weren’t the reason she left, and you can then gloat about how unhappy she still is.

OP’s husband appears to be a kind man who wants the best for her. I’m sure he will be on board with helping her through this next stage of her life.

LillyPJ · 30/10/2025 09:30

Why are you unhappy? What is it that you feel is missing? What do you want that's different? In what ways do you feel your life would be better if you left? If you really think about those things and make a list, you might see that leaving isn't the only answer. Maybe you want to move to a different area or have more independence or have a different career or run a smallholding or travel more... Whatever it is, you might find ways to do it without leaving.

Periperi2025 · 30/10/2025 09:40

I am you but 12 months down the line.
I'm waiting to complete on a house and divorce is scheduled to go through in the new year.

I came to the conclusion that things were not going to improve and therefore if i was going to do it i needed to sort it all before DD was in high school (she's almost 8 now) or i would be causing even more harm, or if not I'd need to leave it until she was a young adult and then risk her believing her entire childhood was a lie, losing myself completely in the mean time, and resenting or even hating STBxH.

jeaux90 · 30/10/2025 17:01

OP big job, 70% of everything at home and no sex life….as a lone parent with a big job I can tell you this.

You might as well do 100% without the pure misery of living with someone who is not better than a shit housemate. Your downtime is your own, there is no negotiation or negativity.

Id pull the trigger.