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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My Husband goes in moods, has tantrums & swears at our child

36 replies

EmotionallyDrained2024 · 25/10/2025 20:22

Help! I need advice, married 8 years, together about 15, daughter is 3.
My husband can be caring, kind, etc
BUT if I say or do anything he doesn’t like, he will literally go in a mood with me, silent treatment for days, weeks, even months.
I’ve not helped the situation as for years I would just keep quiet, blame myself, beg for forgiveness and think it’s all my fault. I’ve slowly started realising this isn’t ok, I’ve tried to raise the issue but he just defends, ends up being my fault! Last year I had a proper I can’t do this anymore moment and he said he’d try harder.

Since we had our daughter it’s got so much worse, I can no longer stay quiet as pretty much whenever our 3 year old has a tantrum he will snap at her call her a fing idiot, stupid twat, basically argue back if she says go away, says he doesn’t have the fing strength for this, f*ing sick of this, walk off huffing etc etc and I have to deal with all the emotions, be the calm parent. If I dare say anything to him, he will have a go at me.

I feel like I just keep hoping it will get better, I’m too scared to leave but now the thought of how this will affect my daughter is making me think I need to get out of this but then I’m also scared if he has her alone, will it be worse that i can’t help.

Is this emotional abuse?

Be grateful for any advice, suggestions etc
thank you! xxx

OP posts:
ShenandoahRiver · 25/10/2025 20:24

Leave him. For your dd’s sake.

Original poster
EmotionallyDrained2024 · 25/10/2025 20:25

ShenandoahRiver · 25/10/2025 20:24

Leave him. For your dd’s sake.

Thanks for replying…I think I know deep down that’s what I need to do.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 25/10/2025 20:26

He's now abusing both of you. Please talk to women's aid. There'll be lots of lovely mumsnetters along with really good advice as well.

I'm so sorry it's him not you.

Original poster
EmotionallyDrained2024 · 25/10/2025 20:28

justasking111 · 25/10/2025 20:26

He's now abusing both of you. Please talk to women's aid. There'll be lots of lovely mumsnetters along with really good advice as well.

I'm so sorry it's him not you.

Thank you, I feel like I’m blaming myself for allowing it all to happen and he is a great Dad, when she’s not upset or having a tantrum

OP posts:
Mewling · 25/10/2025 20:31

Oh mate. Come on now. You know him calling your 3 year old child a “fucking twat” is just awful, awful stuff. I finally developed a backbone when my DD was born because whilst I didn’t have the self-esteem to stand up for myself, I sure as shit did for her. He’s not a good dad at all if he’s doing stuff like that. Start getting your ducks in a row.

RandomMess · 25/10/2025 20:33

He probably won’t even want to care for her if you split, he doesn’t have the tolerance!

Jeska7 · 25/10/2025 20:49

Wow swearing at a child like this. Not talking to you for months as he’s annoyed and in a strop. I think you’ve realised that you need to leave. You need to be making plans so you stay safe as it sounds as if he’s got a temper and could erupt (although all kids can push buttons and get parents to feel like this but parents need to be calm / walk away). Get advice and speak to Women’s Aid.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds awful.

AnotherVice · 25/10/2025 21:01

For a little perspective OP, I work for the ambulance service and I was once in a patient’s house. Mum was poorly and little girl about 4/5yrs was understandably upset, crying etc….because we were taking Mummy to hospital. Dad could not cope with the little one crying, was shouting at her to ‘shut the fuck up’ and called her a twat. Leaving that poor child in that house was not an option. I picked her up and carried her out to the ambulance. Dad didn’t give a shit. Was just glad he didn’t have to deal with her. I would have involved Police if necessary. You need to protect your child OP.

Anonymous23456 · 25/10/2025 21:09

Fuck. What a wanker. He swears at your 3 year old for doing exactly what 3 year old are meant to do. He's a fucking adult having a tantrum but he expects a 3 year old to self regulate. The 3 year old tantrum is normal. The bloody adults tantrum is abusive and moronic. You need to dump his arse. You need to show your daughter what a normal and healthy relationship is. Otherwise, she'll end up with a wanker who treats her just like her father. Run, if not for your sake, do it for her sake. I understand your fear of him having access and custody alone. I your child isn't talking properly or able to articulate what's happening. I get why you would want to bide your time. If you need to wait then get some legal advice, start putting some money away in a secret account, make a plan and execute it at the earliest possible moment. And, for GOD sake don't accidentally get pregnant and further tie yourself to this prick.

cannyvalley · 25/10/2025 21:42

He is verbally and emotionally abusing a three year old child. A three year old has absolutely no power to protect themselves from this abusive and harmful behaviour. They are entirely vulnerable and can’t leave by themselves.

As the non abusing parent you need to protect her from this by getting her out of this situation. This is your duty. Sorry to be blunt.

Contact women’s aid. Contact children’s services. Contact the police. Get help to do this safely and get her out of this abusive situation.

Pepperedpickles · 25/10/2025 22:00

cannyvalley · 25/10/2025 21:42

He is verbally and emotionally abusing a three year old child. A three year old has absolutely no power to protect themselves from this abusive and harmful behaviour. They are entirely vulnerable and can’t leave by themselves.

As the non abusing parent you need to protect her from this by getting her out of this situation. This is your duty. Sorry to be blunt.

Contact women’s aid. Contact children’s services. Contact the police. Get help to do this safely and get her out of this abusive situation.

Absolutely this.

You’re posting here because you know this is what you need to do.

elm26 · 25/10/2025 22:08

EmotionallyDrained2024 · 25/10/2025 20:28

Thank you, I feel like I’m blaming myself for allowing it all to happen and he is a great Dad, when she’s not upset or having a tantrum

Show quote history

He’s not a great dad. He’s abusive to his daughter. A 3 year old, who’s still a baby herself. I’d leave my DH if he ever did that to our 2.5 year old DD. He’s abusing you both, please get out for both of your sakes x

Holdonforsummer · 25/10/2025 22:15

Silent treatment is abuse/coercive control as well. It’s not a tool a nice, well regulated man would use. I’m sorry OP but this is not going to improve. Good luck getting out.

amberisola · 26/10/2025 11:24

The things he has said to your little girl are shocking. Truly horrible, and reading it took my breath away. Your poor baby.

My H is an abusive bully towards me, sometimes in front of our daughter. I've put up with a lot I shouldn’t have and I know these men do a number on you, so this is not meant in a judgemental way at all. But please, get her out.

Zempy · 26/10/2025 11:39

EmotionallyDrained2024 · 25/10/2025 20:28

Thank you, I feel like I’m blaming myself for allowing it all to happen and he is a great Dad, when she’s not upset or having a tantrum

Show quote history

The fact you think this dreadful man is a great dad is very concerning.

You need to protect your DD and get away from him.

MsSara · 26/10/2025 11:43

EmotionallyDrained2024 · 25/10/2025 20:28

Thank you, I feel like I’m blaming myself for allowing it all to happen and he is a great Dad, when she’s not upset or having a tantrum

Show quote history

He’s not a great dad, but you can be a great mum but you need to protect her from him.

Gowlett · 26/10/2025 15:44

It’s often the case that, even though everyone here is helping, the LTB answers are coming from women who haven’t experienced this. It’s a very insidious creep, where you’ve become silent & work hard to accommodate his moods…

My home life is very similar. Life outside these four walls is good. I know that my DS is absorbing everything. It’s very difficult. I’m working towards leaving, it’s not an overnight thing (unless it becomes acute, then it is). Make plans to leave.

Him having the child alone, is one of the big barriers, I know...

TomatoSandwiches · 26/10/2025 16:05

I think you need to find a way to record his outbursts of abuse and then talk to womens aid op, you need to get her away from him.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 26/10/2025 16:15

I hate him already. Disgusting man. Bin him. And make sure you keep a record of his behaviour.

YellowStockings · 26/10/2025 16:31

Unfortunately yes, this is abusive OP. I’m so sorry you and your DD are experiencing this.

I would slowly, quietly, start getting your ducks in a row. Record him secretly, if possible and if you’re safe. And I would absolutely contact Women’s Aid asap, and again every time he does this. You could also contact the police, not to arrest him but to let them know this is happening. This will all be useful evidence later down the line that this has actually happened, which I’m sure he will deny.

Sadly I have watched a good friend navigate a very similar situation with an emotionally abusive DH who was awful to her and her DC. Good luck xx

Original poster
EmotionallyDrained2024 · 26/10/2025 18:00

Gowlett · 26/10/2025 15:44

It’s often the case that, even though everyone here is helping, the LTB answers are coming from women who haven’t experienced this. It’s a very insidious creep, where you’ve become silent & work hard to accommodate his moods…

My home life is very similar. Life outside these four walls is good. I know that my DS is absorbing everything. It’s very difficult. I’m working towards leaving, it’s not an overnight thing (unless it becomes acute, then it is). Make plans to leave.

Him having the child alone, is one of the big barriers, I know...

Thanks for your reply, and sorry you are going through a similar situation.
Have you discussed leaving with him?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 26/10/2025 18:02

How soon can you and DD get away from him?

Pallisers · 26/10/2025 18:10

Does he abuse your daughter like this in front of other adults? If she has a tantrum while at granny's, does he tell her to fuck off?

I suspect not. So he knows it is wrong. He can control it. He choses not to. Just as he choses to abuse you and has for years.

Your dd is being reared in a terrible and abusive home. Please confide in someone in real life and get help to get you and her out of this situation.

At this point I find the words "he is a great dad" are the biggest red flag for abuse there is.

Original poster
EmotionallyDrained2024 · 26/10/2025 18:19

Pallisers · 26/10/2025 18:10

Does he abuse your daughter like this in front of other adults? If she has a tantrum while at granny's, does he tell her to fuck off?

I suspect not. So he knows it is wrong. He can control it. He choses not to. Just as he choses to abuse you and has for years.

Your dd is being reared in a terrible and abusive home. Please confide in someone in real life and get help to get you and her out of this situation.

At this point I find the words "he is a great dad" are the biggest red flag for abuse there is.

Nope you are exactly right, he only does it at home when it’s just me.
I am meeting with a friend tomorrow to discuss it, and this is the first time I think I’ll ever have spoken to anyone about it all.

Over the last few weeks I started writing things down, as I thought I was losing my mind when I spoke to him about it and he made me doubt myself, but reading over what I’ve written down has literally made me realise it is all not ok.
i feel so stupid for thinking it was, I’m a strong person, independent, have a good job, friends etc and i don’t know how / why i have allowed this to happen to me!!

thanks for all the support xx

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 26/10/2025 19:13

Yes its emotional abuse

Your dd will grow up thinking this is how men are supposed to treat women.

If you think he could change then try counselling. If he wont do that then wave good bye asap