My Husband goes in moods, has tantrums & swears at our child

[EmotionallyDrained2024]

Help! I need advice, married 8 years, together about 15, daughter is 3.
My husband can be caring, kind, etc
BUT if I say or do anything he doesn’t like, he will literally go in a mood with me, silent treatment for days, weeks, even months.
I’ve not helped the situation as for years I would just keep quiet, blame myself, beg for forgiveness and think it’s all my fault. I’ve slowly started realising this isn’t ok, I’ve tried to raise the issue but he just defends, ends up being my fault! Last year I had a proper I can’t do this anymore moment and he said he’d try harder.

Since we had our daughter it’s got so much worse, I can no longer stay quiet as pretty much whenever our 3 year old has a tantrum he will snap at her call her a fing idiot, stupid twat, basically argue back if she says go away, says he doesn’t have the fing strength for this, f*ing sick of this, walk off huffing etc etc and I have to deal with all the emotions, be the calm parent. If I dare say anything to him, he will have a go at me.

I feel like I just keep hoping it will get better, I’m too scared to leave but now the thought of how this will affect my daughter is making me think I need to get out of this but then I’m also scared if he has her alone, will it be worse that i can’t help.

Is this emotional abuse?

Be grateful for any advice, suggestions etc
thank you! xxx

He's a horrible husband and a bloody terrible father. Get rid. Your poor little girl.

If you can, safely, and secretly, film him doing this. Send it a safe friend and delete all evidence from your phone. I only say this as when you leave him if contact/family court is the route he chooses to take you will need to support your daughter and it will be his word against yours.
Make a plan to get out asap. This is affecting your daughter, even the silent treatment is affecting her. My two were definitely affected by it and they were 19months and 5 when we left. Unfortunately I had no evidence of the abuse towards them, or me, but he showed his true colours about me in court which helped in some way to lower contact with the kids... but they still spend 3 nights every fortnight with their dad and they come back very upset/affects our relationship/it's still emotionally abusive.
Get out.

He is abusing you and your child. You need to leave, it is not fair on your daughter to be stuck in this toxic environment.

Hello OP I was your little girl. My earliest memories are from age 6 when my father set my hair alight for "being cheeky". I was called those names too and threatened with violence. God knows what he did in the years I can't recall before age 6.

My mother said she wished she'd left him - when she was dying. She wouldn't have told anyone out of embarrassment and fear of me and my brother being taken away, which we also were threatened with. We also had sulking and stonewalling from him.

My brother ended up very similar and assaulted me, damaged the house and threatened me with a knife. His wife left him. My two nephews are growing up in the same way.

I had tantrums too but I don't know how they were handled other than being treated like your little girl, but I didn't grow out of them. I replicated it with partners. I was ashamed of myself. I was known as a bad girl as a child in the family. I didn't get into trouble outside the house or anything, but I was a mess.

The last time my father threatened to hit me was when I was 17 and I hit him first. He tried to stop me studying. I left home at 18.

I'm still having therapy about this 30 years later. It ruined my life for years and destroyed my mother. The wider family think I'm up myself because I went to university, became a teacher and an author. I only see two family members, my cousins.

I tolerated this behaviour from my abusive ex partner for years, even though I left him four years ago I still bear the mental scars, lost count of the number of counsellors I’ve seen. Please don’t put your little girl through this, think of the long term damage.

He isn’t a great dad. Far from it. Please leave him for your dd’s sake. Growing up with an abusive parent will affect her all her life. She is still very young, time to make a change. He will no doubt say he will change, and he might. For a week or two at best, but will always revert to the person he is.

No he's not. He's a terrible Dad. Stop deluding yourself.

Exactly @Zanatdy - see a couple of posts above to see how it's stuffed me up.

You need to record his abuse to your daughter on your phone. He must not be able to have her on his own. It's this type of man who will demand 50/50 becsuse he doesn't want to pay CMS.

This is shocking abuse, I know it's hard to hear and it's hard to think about leaving, but you really need to think about it now and start making plans.

I think that secretly recording his behaviour is a good plan so that if he turns on the great dad act for the courts you can show them what he's really like.

OP, would you consider yourself a great mum if you swore and shouted at your daughter like this everytime she got upset, but was nice to her otherwise? And yet you consider him a great dad except for when he abuses your child. That way of thinking is very concerning. You need to protect your daughter and get away from him. This is highly damaging for her.