50/50 if other half has never contributed 50% ?

[longtimecoming2025]

I am the primary carer, and I pay considerably more towards our expenses/mortgage and our children. I pay for holidays, any meals out, etc.

Fed up of arguing constantly and generally not getting along with each other and have become increasingly resentful of the pressure to earn - I imagined we would take up the slack for the other at various times in our lives but it's ALWAYS me taking up the slack. He can be aggressive (not violent to me/children but gets really vile at times but is general low level unfriendly and nitpicks everything, nothing ever done right etc). Been going on for years and am just very very sad and tired at this point - we live in same house but it's just excruciating, we barely speak to each other, go to bed at different times. He regularly says to children he'd like his own room. On holiday when asked by one of our children if we wanted a photo together, he said "no thanks." So it's really just a v unhappy marriage and terrible example. I feel like it's obvious to children I am not happy (one said "do you love him? REALLY?" recently.) I also feel like I deserve more - I don't want to be 'looked after' by OH, but I want to be equal and deserve happiness. Of course I put my children first and if I thought it best for them for us to stay together, I would do so - but I do not think this environment is healthy for ANYONE. They remark that we bicker constantly, tell us to stop it, etc. I wish we could fix it but it has been YEARS - there's always been some 'thing' that I hoped would magically change things - like his going back to work, or getting a better job, or finishing his retraining. But nothing changes.

My OH did not work for 2 years when our first child was born, because he was on minimum wage so he took care of child. We then moved to be nearer to family who helped and then OH could work. Since then OH has worked in low paying jobs but recently retrained so has potential to earn more now - yet even when he does, he contributes less than a third of our monthly outgoings. He was able to retrain because of his low financial contributions - there's no way I could afford to retrain. He should be applying for permanent jobs but is doing short term work and not applying for permanent things.

Child now 17. We have 2 more - 14 and 11. My parents helped us with house purchase (not rich) and renovation projects.

Feel absolutely fed up of living in an unhappy house and would love to be by myself with my children.

Am terrified he will get 50% of essentially my parents money. Is this how it works??? I feel like such an idiot for getting myself into this situation (was so obvious, looking back - married far too young) and don't see how I can extricate myself. (I don't earn lots, though judging by online calculators it looks like UC would give me about the same - if not more - than what OH does each month.)

You’ll pay much more for your children’s unhappiness if you stay. He won’t get 50%, you have the kids.
See a solicitor.

If you are married then starting point is 50:50 of marital assets.

Scotland and England have different rules on what are marital assets so where you are matters.

at 17,14 and 11 the children would have a level of choice as to where to live.

See a solicitor. I think if you're the primary carer and the primary earner, I would expect you to get more than 50%. But, yes, he will most likely get more than you would like him to get.

But that's actually a reason to get moving asap. Because the longer it goes on, the more value accumulates that he will take close to 50% of.

Knowing that he is unlikely to ever actually pay any maintenance, discuss with your solicitor whether you can offer him a lower pay out in exchange for not asking for maintenance in the future.

Also, be very prepared for a huge fight and for him to claim that he has been the primary carer, wants 50:50 etc. So as you go see the solicitor, I'd also be ensuring you're starting to gather all the evidence you need to prove that he is NOT the primary, or even half way competent, carer.

Are you married? How long? If your parents’ money has all gone into the marital home then yes it’s quite likely that a court would give him half, or at least a big chunk of it. But there’s nothing to stop the two of you negotiating something yourselves, if you think he will be reasonable.

Will he want 50/50 care? Where will the children want to live? At those ages I’d have thought they can pretty much choose their own place of residence and timetable.

Yes he might do. But the fact you are primary carer will go some way to making a split in your favour.

But the sooner you do it, the sooner all the money you earn will go on you and your children and not that waster.

If he’s a lower earner it’s perfectly possible he’ll be awarded more than 50%

you being primary carer may help balance that

but in long marriage it doesn’t matter who paid what or who contributed what- starting point will be 50:50 with lower earner somewhat protected

Yes he will likely get 50% of all assets (watch out for your pension too) but that is not going to change the longer you are with him. Are you willing to stay unhappy for the rest of your life just so that he doesn’t get 50%? Because that’s the only real alternative.

Please get an appointment booked with a solicitor to talk this through. Yes all assets will need to be declared, house, pensions, savings, car etc. ages of children will be taken into account as well as where they will spend most of their time.

Money that your parents gave you is essentially a marital asset unless they have legal documentation to show it was a loan. So yes it will be in the pot to be divided between you both. Did they have any legal advice before they helped with your house purchase and have they legally protected the money that they gave you for this?

It may not be what you were hoping for especially with parents money involved (I’ve been in a similar situation) but if you are unhappy and it’s affecting your children please look at divorcing. Yes it’s difficult and can take a while and be unpleasant but a few years down the line you’ll be so glad you did and I’m sure your children will be happier out of a miserable home set up.

He will be expected to work full time and sounds like now he has retrained he will have better opportunities for this and will be able to base ‘needs’ on his earnings which have increased since retraining.

You say your parents helped you with house purchase and renovation projects. I would get something written up to say that the money they lent you was a loan & has to be repaid within X amount of years. This might offset any money you have to give him if you decide to divorce.

We are married, yes - for 18 years. And based in England. He is not lower earner now other than he is on short term contracts - he could earn more than me. He may be

Can this be doing retrospectively?

It would potentially be fraud. I would be very, very careful unless you want to risk a normal divorce turning into a criminal case.

With his agreement, sure. But is he likely to agree? If not, then no.

Even if with his agreement, it could possibly be contested at the divorce stage. Post-nups are a thing but a post-nup immediately preceding a divorce wouldn’t hold water I don’t think.

Stop worrying about money and how it will be split and just divorce him.

When your children are adults and aren’t able to see what a healthy relationship is and they start to mirror that behaviour in their own relationships do you really want to be able to say to them “Well I didn’t leave because I was scared he’d take my money.”

Money can be replaced, a happy home life cannot.

and I know it’s an unpopular opinion but if a man were writing this thread and saying how they didn’t want to divorce their wife because they were worried she’d take his money people would say she was entitled to her fair share. You just need to suck it up, get legal advice and proceed.

It would be fraud…
did your parents gift the money? Did the bank know it was a gift when you bought the house?
if you both own the house, you would both need to sign the loan agreement…he’s obviously not going to do that now.

he’s entitled to at least 50:50…

Also, regarding his earnings over the years and short term contracts etc, he could spin that very differently and then it’s just your word vs his.

His narrative could easily be that he gave up work for 2 years once the kids were born in order to prioritise the raising of his children. He then stayed in low level jobs due to prioritising caring needs as you needed to focus on your career. Again, he has short term contracts as someone needs to prioritise the kids whilst you focus on your career. Blah blah blah. Basically, he could very easily spin the narrative that his career took a back seat in order to allow yours to thrive, if things turn nasty during a divorce.

yes, which is why OP needs to start getting al the evidence that this is bollocks in place now.

exBIL briefly attempted this. It all fell apart very quickly when he largely disappeared after they split and frankly, no one even noticed. It didn't impact her life or her DS' life from a logistics and practicality perspective at all except for ONE school run a week.

He spent years working away during all weeknights for not v much money, leaving me to do all school runs and weekday childcare. Definitely not something he did in order to be able to parent!

I’d want him to have his fair share - but I also feel like my parents have given me (us) money so that our children can have a home, and I feel concerned that a 50/50 split would leave neither of us in a position to have a house big enough for them!

You need to divorce him ASAP. Assuming the children will want to stay with you, you have a much better case for a larger share when the kids are still dependant. Whatever the arguments about your parents contribution will not change over time, but
the value of the property will increase. Grasp the nettle, get this miserable man out of your lives.

I was really surprised to get to the end of that and read you were terrified of a 50/50 split of the money, I thought it was going to be about sharing the kids. You’ve both put your kids through more than enough of your shit, so even if he gets more money than you want it’s worth it. Speak to a decent solicitor and get proper advice. I’d be surprised if he’s not entitled to a fair amount through as he is career took a back seat to raise the kids in the early days, or that’s how it looks on paper.

After 18 years of marriage the money your parents gave is intermingled and is a marital
asset. You can’t now retrospectively exclude that or change the terms of its use.

and after 18 years of marriage a 50:50 split or v near to it is very likely unlikely one of you is a considerably higher earner or one of you considerably older etc

I was your husband in this situation (except that I did stay home with the dc. But I brought no money to the table in terms of housing at the beginning. His family helped him buy. I worked later after dc were in primary school. I got slightly more than 50:50. It’s all marital assets now. He will be entitled to at least 50:60.

After all you explained, I'm another who thought it was going to be about the children.

Continuing to subject them to this awful home environment is really less important than how much money you might lose?

No nothing at ALL like the OP"s DH? You contributed by being the home person - the children's primary carer, the one keeping on top of things while he was away and working.

I'm not saying that OP's DH isn't goign to be entitled to a decent whack, but it's impossible to compare your contribution and his. You made one. He didn't.

I am the primary earner. And DH absolutely 100% has contributed massively to our children's lives, including being a SAHD for a long time and doing a lot of the fetching/carrying/after school childcare around his work hours. If we were to split, this would absolutely be something that I would have to take into account.

OP's H on the other hand, has done fuck all and barely contributes to his children's lives - he doesn't even seem to like them very much.