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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is there a way to encourage ex to see more of his dc without causing friction?

31 replies

pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 20:50

My ex lives nearby, dc is a teen. Ex sees them regularly as in popping in to say hello, maybe go out for a quick meal or something, but no overnights, no formal arrangement.
It's been over a year, pensions are slowing down legal proceedings. I cant believe he hasn't voluntarily wanted time with dc and at first I was pleased about this really. But as time has moved on I increasingly want a bit of time "off" and I'm worried about their lack of relationship (he thinks their relationship is great).
I don't want to rock the boat as it's reasonably amicable but can this be it? I love my dc but I think for everyone involved they need to have more contact...do i just have to accept it's not going to happen?

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 17/10/2025 20:54

How old is the teen, and how do they feel about the amount of contact they have with your ex?

DEAROP · 17/10/2025 20:55

What kind of place does your ex live?

By this age, many separated parents who had a formal arrangement like EOW are relaxing it a bit to make space for the teenager having an independent social life and more demanding school life. I think you've skipped the time where you could rely on them being with other parent with any real consistency.

For instance, my niece is now at her dad's every weekend because she has more friends around that way than around her way. He hasn't had much choice in the matter and nor has his partner!

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/10/2025 20:56

Unfortunately there's no way of forcing a disinterested ex from having more time with their children than they want to. I absolutely agree that it sucks, but that's the way it is. If you've got a good co-parenting relationship with your ex then you can suggest that it's in your DC's best interests to spend more time with them but they'd don't have to agree. And if things are contentious then your options are even more limited I'm afraid. This is when you need to start looking into childcare, babysitters, family, friends etc to help out.

Unfortunately you can't force a shitty parent to not be a shitty parent.

Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:00

Thanks all..yes just turned 15...which I agree is probably too old to be starting any kind of schedule...just infuriating that he's not doing any of the heavy lifting and I'm not getting any time to myself!
I don't think where he's living is great, just a temporary rental flat.
I might feel sad if they eventually chose to spend more time at his...but as it stands it's not even been floated as an option.

OP posts:
hmnj · 17/10/2025 21:01

I’d keep on with how it is. As long as ex is paying for child, I’d be thrilled with 100% custody.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/10/2025 21:07

Does your 15yr old want more contact or overnights?

Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:07

No financials agreed yet. Would you not ever want some time by yourself @hmnj?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:08

@TomatoSandwichesi don't know to be honest, I've never broached it as it wasn't forthcoming

OP posts:
DEAROP · 17/10/2025 21:10

pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:07

No financials agreed yet. Would you not ever want some time by yourself @hmnj?

Yes but honestly, that's the trouble with splitting when the kids are teens. It isn't even about staying with mum a lot of the time, it is because their life is built around the location of the marital home.

Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:14

I totally get that. But I also want to be able to go out sometimes and have a bit of my own life!

OP posts:
BasilParsley · 17/10/2025 21:15

@pinkduckk You say: "and I'm not getting any time to myself!". Sorry, that's the default position for a single Mum - you need to grow a pair, accept that's the way it's going to be for a few years and work round that to give you and your child the best life you can...

cadburyegg · 17/10/2025 21:18

BasilParsley · 17/10/2025 21:15

@pinkduckk You say: "and I'm not getting any time to myself!". Sorry, that's the default position for a single Mum - you need to grow a pair, accept that's the way it's going to be for a few years and work round that to give you and your child the best life you can...

What an unkind comment.

BasilParsley · 17/10/2025 21:21

cadburyegg · 17/10/2025 21:18

What an unkind comment.

Show quote history

Why is that unkind? It's realistic. That's what I had to do when the father of my children left me in the lurch and refused to have anything to do with them...? I grew a pair and got on with it!

crackofdoom · 17/10/2025 21:22

At 15, you can leave them at home and go out and live that life.

DEAROP · 17/10/2025 21:23

pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:14

I totally get that. But I also want to be able to go out sometimes and have a bit of my own life!

Your kid is 15, though. You can leave them and go out for the evening typically speaking.

Specialagentblond · 17/10/2025 21:23

Perhaps speak to your teen? Have you asked him if he’d like to see his dad some more, and that it’s ok for him to want to?

same with your ex if you are on good speaking terms?

or just text your ex and say I need a night to myself, when can you have DS over?

he’s having his cake and eating it. He’s likely dragging out the legals to avoid CM and just letting the clock run.

Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:45

@SpecialagentblondI think you've probably nailed it, cake and eat it!
I guess i just need to keep asking him (which is humiliating and he generally says no anyway)
@BasilParsleyyou are completely correct even if you could have phrased it a bit more diplomatically. It's just irritating when ex paints himself as father of the year, AND criticises me for going out into the bargain.

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/10/2025 21:45

Specialagentblond · 17/10/2025 21:23

Perhaps speak to your teen? Have you asked him if he’d like to see his dad some more, and that it’s ok for him to want to?

same with your ex if you are on good speaking terms?

or just text your ex and say I need a night to myself, when can you have DS over?

he’s having his cake and eating it. He’s likely dragging out the legals to avoid CM and just letting the clock run.

If you've got a reasonable working relationship with your ex then saying "I need a night to myself" will probably work. If you don't, then it will likely invite a bunch of abuse and/or being let down at the last minute.

Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:47

Can I just clarify that as much as it's to do with me wanting some freedom, I do also want dc to have a relationship with him, I think it's important for both of them

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/10/2025 22:11

pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 21:47

Can I just clarify that as much as it's to do with me wanting some freedom, I do also want dc to have a relationship with him, I think it's important for both of them

I absolutely understand. But, again, you can't force a disinterested parent to be otherwise. All you can do is accept that and work around it.

Original poster
pinkduckk · 17/10/2025 22:19

@GasperyJacquesRobertsit's a weird combination...extremely annoying combination...he's in constant contact, wants to weigh in on decisions, definitely sees himself as active co-parent, and would be pompously annoyed if it was suggested he was anything other than dad of the year.
But no lengthy time spent, no overnights, no involvement in day to day care.

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/10/2025 22:36

This is one of those situations where it's instructive to pay attention to what they do rather than what they say. What your ex is doing is not being involved in day-to-day care. Therefore what he says doesn't really matter that much.

Assuming your ex has got PR then you are legally obliged to get agreement with him on significant matters such as choice of schools, non-emergency medical care, changing your DC's name, and significant moves of residence (eg, moving country). If you can't reach agreement then one or other of you can take the matter to court.

If your DC is a teen then I'm guessing it's not likely that he/she is going to be moving school or changing his/her name. And as long as your DC keeps going to the same school then you can move house wherever you like. So that removes the majority of what PR obliges you to do and things like emergency medical care is the responsibility of the parent on the spot anyway.

Basically, what he says really doesn't matter that much. If he wants to pretend he's father of the year then that's up to him but it doesn't force any obligations on you. But at the same time it doesn't force any obligations on him, either. Despite what he might try to pretend, you can't force him to be an involved parent. So if you want to have a social life - which is something you are absolutely entitled to have - you have to look to people other than your ex to facilitate that.

millymollymoomoo · 18/10/2025 08:44

It’s common when kids are that age that there’s little or no overnights. Mine would pop round his for tea or go for pizza or to watch football etc then come home. Totally normal ( even more so if he doesn’t really have suitable accommodation because you’re in the family home still )

and at 15 you can do clubs, hobbies, have a night out - you are not tied to staying at home looking after them

Original poster
pinkduckk · 18/10/2025 08:48

Thank you both. I do feel tied to being at home with them...it's a funny age,I don't think a baby sitter is appropriate, nor can I really afford that, but also dc isn't very comfortable being home alone esp in the evenings. The guilt is huge! But when I turn down opportunities to do things I feel resentful and it's hard not to be grumpy.

OP posts:
waddleandtoddle · 18/10/2025 08:57

I agree with the posters that talk about encouraging your teens social life. I get loads of free time from mine going to play golf all day; from the sleepovers they have with friends at the weekend and the evenings spent at cadets and scouts. And as he gets older he is usually out for a couple of hours after school before dinner. I rarely see him! I'm happy I've raised a confident kid that is socialising and thriving at school ☺️ Where I've had to switch with dad now is monies; bike, scooter, drone, mobile phone, theme parks, camping equipment, guitar, dentist, trainers, summer school, school trips, prepping for uni, lessons for music or sport, clothes, filling the fridge with the endless scoffing teenagers seem to do, bowling and cinema all need paying for, and maintenance that is given to run a second household doesn't quite cut it like it used to. So I send dad's way.