Am I in the wrong for this

[BlueFlash87]

Hi, my ex and I have been split since May. We been just going along with the flow but no legal plan in place at the moment. Proposed a plan once but my ex refused it. Any engagement of custody or visitation schedule ex won't discuss. With our work we know pretty much in advance what our holiday schedules are going to be. Maybe in July or August reached out to my ex about holidays. Again reached out in September. I haven't said much since my ex hasn't answered me back on what holidays she is working. For the most part outside of one holiday the holidays I am off are the days I have the children. Except one holiday I am off falls on the day my ex would have the children. I have the day before. Am I in the wrong for not bringing the children back to my ex the night we are suppose to exchange? I gave my ex a few heads up and more than 30 days in advance notice.

You do not need to keep the DC for that one extra day to try to show your ex that refusing to engage with you on this topic won’t be accepted.

I don't see it as that? OP wants to see their child on their day off, it's not coming across as trying to teach the ex anything. She's been given plenty of notice and it IS in the best interest of DC to spend time with the other parent when they can actually spend proper time with them.

So many people use their children as a weapon/possession. Pure selfishness.

My only concern is the unknown which has me stressed out. How will my ex react when I mention I won't give them back on the day she wants me to return the children. Will this change dynamics going forward or will everything be okay. The other thought is my ex if off on the holidays I am off may ask to split the day, which I wouldn't be flexible about. That's the reason I gave them the heads up in advance so we can adjust our holiday schedules and make the changes/swaps.

Having read this, I think if you're admitting you wouldn't be flexible yourself then you shouldn't expect your ex to be and should stick to what's agreed.

Is this possibly why you haven't had a response, because she knows you wouldn't return the favour?

Takes both of you to be reasonable for this to work.

I mean if my ex gave me a heads up in advance I be flexible. I even sent her a holiday proposal where we rotate holidays out every year early on July. I would be even willing to see if I would be able to swap a holiday around to a holiday ex is working. Ex never responded never even had a chance to touch base on swapping holidays out.

My ex asked for an extra day with the children day of drop off and it would shorten days with the children give my ex an extra day (only reason was because she was off.) I am not sure if this set the tone going forward. Was the very very beginning of our seperation. Ex and I make our schedules for work almost two months in advance.

My ex asked for an extra day with the children day of drop off and it would shorten days with the children give my ex an extra day (only reason was because she was off.) I am not sure if this set the tone going forward. Was the very very beginning of our seperation. Ex and I make our schedules for work almost two months in advance.
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Hang on. Do you mean that early on in this co-parenting arrangement your ex asked you to return the favor of being flexible to give her additional time with the DC by dropping off one day later and you said no? And you can’t seem to connect the dots between that and her stopping accommodating similar requests from you?

Return the children on the scheduled day as previously agreed. You are not entitled to unilaterally change the schedule or force your ex to agree to it.

Your working pattern doesn’t mean that your agreed schedule should change and YABU to ask for that information and/or expect to use it to justify changes in school holiday schedules.
If you want to take your children away, use the time already within the schedule and if there is a specific need, ask if this can be accommodated and be prepared to swap days if necessary. They are under no obligation (whether legally documented or not) to accommodate your request.
Personally, I favour a mostly structured approach (so kids have routine) with some flexibility (for special occasions) but this isn’t for everyone.

How will my ex react when I mention I won't give them back on the day she wants me to return the children.

She will, quite rightly, be furious.

Will this change dynamics going forward or will everything be okay.

I can confidently predict that nothing will ever be okay again if you decide to follow through with this foolishness.

You need to get some kind of legally binding plan which sets out conditions etc.
Go and see an experienced Family Solicitor for advice and get your terms set out with obvious areas for some flexiblity when needed

At the moment you are going nowhere to be honest.

Also get in touch with Social Services and ask them for advice.

I know this sounds far fetched but things could turn very nasty and you end up not seeing them at all.

Sorry to hear you are so upset.

Really hope you can things sorted soon.

👍😻
X

Example was X told me exchange date W I am keeping the children till exchange date Su. Without warning or advancement in the early stages. Only reason was due to them being off. No holiday or special plan. Reason why I like to know my ex schedule. When married we share it so one of us was always home with the children. With divorce understandable that changed. If making a request for a day unless something big like a family event or something along that lines popped up asked for a request fine with giving the date up. If "just off" want extra time have to give me at least 6 to 8 week notice.

As far as being furious not really furious. I am just trying to make things work. I plan to get on the ball when I can. Goal for early next year is to get this legally sorted out. Just hoping keeping my child on the Holiday won't cause the Courts to look at me in a negative manner.

Just hoping keeping my child on the Holiday won't cause the Courts to look at me in a negative manner.

If it's against the arrangement and done without the mother's permission, they might.

You are not the sole arbiter of what is worthy of a schedule deviation. Your ex has stopped engaging in conversations about flexing the schedule when you want it because you made it clear that you believe any flexibility should be on your terms.

Frankly you sound controlling.

Yes, the courts will look poorly on you intentionally not following the agreed-upon schedule by not bringing the DC back on time.

Not controlling. We are going to have to discuss in mediation and Court holiday schedule. Attempted three times to discuss this. Gave my ex almost 4 to 5 month time frame to discuss with about 4 week pause waiting for their response. Feel I am being pretty fair.

Think I may have even offered to split holidays somewhere in that time frame from early July.

Irritant sound controlling

his ex sounds obstinate and impossible to deal with.

Which holiday are you talking about? Being deliberately obtuse is not going to go in your favour. Halloween is different than Christmas

No if she hasn't agreed to a change in the schedule you can't change it unilaterally. Bring the children back on the agreed day.

His ex seems to be employing a grey rock approach. That might be unwarranted but I suspect it isn’t and that the OP is persistently trying to illicit responses from her about the children. There are other posts under different names which repeat the pattern.

I don’t think this will be resolved in family court. Especially if the OP withholds the children. Which could escalate things in all sorts of ways. And will be an awful situation for the children. Eventually co parenting will be untenable for them and a choice will be made.

Maybe she is going grey rock. But it’s reasonable for op to want to be able to flex arrangements sometimes or forward agree holidays. Ex should get no more say than op.

This sort of stuff does my head in. My ex was like you. We'd set dates months in advance and then he’d insist upon changing them at the last minute - even 30 days is not acceptable when you’ve booked a flight!! It becomes impossible to plan anything.
Agree the dates and stick to them. We missed holidays because ex didn’t hand over.

It’s all too soon to change what you’ve agreed, it would be best all round to just stick to agreed dates for a while.

Just stick to the schedule

Should mention also gave my ex about 117-120 day heads up about the holidays. Mainly Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas.

Well all I'm going to say with my oldest children I had an ex like you, we agreed days,times, pickups and drop-offs and within weeks he was constantly changing days to suit himself, dropping off to late or way to early and twice not even collecting from school when it was his day. Final straw for me not bringing them back on a day agreed when we were due to fly hours after he brought kids back...my holidays etc are no concerns to anybody else...if you know your days times etc then stick to it simple and everyone's happy..So like I mentioned after making us miss a flight to Tenerife I went straight to the courts and the judge did not feel like the ex was cooperating at all and he lost full rights. A contract schedule was written and ye that was 15 years ago, ex couldn't even stick to that and the kids haven't seen him for 12 of those years as he just disappeared when he couldn't have thing his own way. I felt like it was a control thing, but exactly like your ex I did not involve in any of his dialogue of changing dates etc and this set me up well in court as I did stick to the planned schedule and he didn't.

Yes, but holidays are not days. If we stick to the verbal agreement would give my ex and unbalanced amount of holidays a year. I have been pretty reasonable. Given her 3 to 4 response over 117 day time span. Not changing dates. Holiday's will be discussed in mediation and ultimately end up in the seperation agreement. It would be beneficial to knock them out now. Probably better if earlier.

I have been pretty reasonable

Well clearly you haven't.
That's why your ex is fed up of it all.

What are you on about? Holidays are not days????
Keep the arrangements you have already made.
In mediation organise what will happen in the future. Include the kids wishes if they’re old enough. It needs to be all about them and not you.