1+ year post sep, newly moved, massively struggling

[PancakesForElephants]

I've recently moved into a new house after my ex announced our rship was over last year, no discussion, there was someone else. I wanted to buy a new place, it all finally went through last week and I'm massively struggling.

I hate the new place, it all feels wrong and totally overwhelming, it's not as nice as I thought, there's no relief, all I can feel is abandoment, I've not got all furniture sorted, I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew and I can't make it nice for DC.

I hate it all. I feel frightened. The responsibility is all on me. Friends are nice and listen but I feel like I just can't cope. It's all on me and it's too much. And then I feel shit because I have single friends who do this. Why can't I?

Its not amicable but all this just wants me to go back to how it was and compromise myself so I don't have to be responsible. Not that ex wants me. Pathetic.

I can't sleep. I haven't unpacked. I hate it and I want to run away but I can't. 1 DC who's still at ex family home, not far away. Plan is for 50/50 but I'm struggling to get things sorted.

I was hoping for some relief after having to live with ex for a year, he's v happy with new gf and getting rid of me. I hate it. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm anxious. I'm abandoned :(.

It will get better, I promise. It just takes time. Time is a great healer, but no anaesthetist unfortunately!

It does sound like you might need a little help to cope in the meantime. Have you considered speaking to a GP. It does sound like you could be suffering from depression, triggered by the stress of the breakup.

Thanks @tragichero I'm not even sure I can or want to talk to GP. It'll just postpone the inevitable. I still have to do all the things.

It's only natural to feel like this. Don't compare yourself to single friends who seem to like living alone. Their situation is probably different to yours. Have u got someone you can confide in. Try and make it nice for DD. I bought a house by myself and the first day I.had to have my niece stay over as I felt scared. I have lived alone 25y. I was in a relationship for 2 years. He died in tragic circumstances and home, that was once my haven was a place i didn't want to be. Over time the feeling of well-being came back. U are probably going through a bereavement for what u have lost, even if it wasn't perfect. Put exs new life to the back of your mind. U will find peace i ur new place and feel proud. Good luck OP.

When you feel overwhelmed (and I absolutely get it) you need to concentrate on the absolute basics. Sleep, nourishment and basic mental health. When the same thing happened to me I started antidepressants for a while just to tide me over. Take a walk each day. Multi vitamins and warm milky drinks. Moments of comfort.

You have got yourself into a new place that is no mean feat at all. Well done.

I had other single parent friends who seemed to have done it all with such grace and ease. When I talked to them, they had all struggled on a huge scale.

If you are feeling desperate call the samaritans. The lady I spoke to was clearly a bit out of her depth but it did nudge me out of crisis.

There are lots and lots of us out out here. Have you read “Lose a cheater gain a life’? There is a website which has archives to read too. I know you didn’t want to leave but this will give you little doses of fire in your belly. xxxxx

Hi..

It will get better, it will.

Have belief that your new life will come together. Take a step back and realise you have already come a long way with having a new home, that's massive, well done 👏

I moved as a 53 year old, into a new home without children, they are grown up, and I remember spending time lying on my bed just feeling mentally and physically panicked. This dispersed with time and things got better.

Don't overload yourself, just do things when you're ready.

I can't emphasise enough that you need to allow yourself time. Also self acknowledgement that you are doing this, you are getting through. Each week will become easier.

Good luck and reach out to every source possible in order to get you where you want to be.

You sound overwhelmed, I wonder too if all the emotions are catching up with you now you’re out of the house and can let yourself feel something. The good thing is you don’t need to rush getting organised. Take your time, give yourself time and space - the house will always be there. It’s a huge adjustment.

I wonder do you have a couple of friends who you know you could call on at any time of day or night? Two of my friends made themselves available like this. I only had to call once in the middle of the night but just knowing they were available helped the feeling of it all being on me.

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are feeling really overwhelmed at the moment and that you have alot of expectations on yourself that you should be ok with everything despite the circumstances. But from your post you didn't want this situation so its natural to feel angry, hurt, devastated even that you are forging on with choices you didnt want. Its ok not to be ok.

I think its natural to feel lost too when embarking on a new path you didn't choose. I remember feeling so lost re where to move to after my divorce. Its natural to feel at sea i think.

Feeling unloved and unwanted is the worst. But as others have said, things will get better. Your kids love you and now is the time for you to love you too. What can you do in your new physical environment to make it feel better for you? What things make you feel good and can you do more of those?

And remember, you have done amazing, moved in to a new place and are moving forward despite it being so very hard. You have got this.

I feel like I've made a massive mistake and overpaid on a house that's actually falling apart. I feel so frightened. The responsibility is overwhelming. I am stuck in a loop of not finishing anything. I'm signed off work but I feel guilty.

It's so hard. But people do it. I lie awake and worry and fret about all the things that might go wrong and all the big list of things I haven't done and the only person who can or will do them is me. What if the fire alarm goes? What if there's an actual fire? What if there's a burglar? What if the boiler breaks? What if the other machines break? What if there's damp or subsidence or roof problems? What if I never enact my renovation plans? What if things freeze over in Feb? Doom loop.

DC not with me properly yet. STBEX is wanging on to DC about how great his gf and kids are.

I have to get a grip for DC. It's on me, it's my job as mum to provide. And I'm doing a shit job.

It sounds like you are giving yourself a really hard time about whether you have made the right decision and what will happen if the worst happens. It sounds like sadly the worst happened in your relationship but that doesnt mean that the worst will happen with your house. Things might be brilliant with your house in the long run. Or you may decide to move somewhere else in 5 years time.

Have you got friends or family that can help you with the house? It sounds to me like you are feeling very lonely in all of this. Could friends or family step in and give a bit of support?

Thanks @Tosca23 yes friends have been amazing but I'm struggling that at the end of the day it's just me. Just me. I know rationally it's partly because EX dominated things and I didn't really get a say, so now it's all down to me. And I don't know how to make decisions. Just paralysed. The what if it's wrong is so overwhelming.

My family are mostly either no contact or not v supportive. My father passed away recently. He and I got on, we were q similar. So I can't even call him.

@Tosca23 thank you for taking time to reply. if you're happy to share, how did you resolve the "feeling lost" post divorce?

It is great you have supportive friends. With good friends, even though you are feeling alone at the moment, remember you have support and can reach out. Sorry your family is not supportive, that is rough.

It is a massive adjustment when you are used to doing things with someone else to then have to do it on your own. At the start you may feel out of your depth and in complete overwhelm. It is natural to feel that way initially. Step by step, day by day you get stronger. You get used to it all.

For me i found going to meetup groups and socialising regularly with other divorcees v healing and it gave me a focus. I also threw myself in to exercise and focused on boosting my mood by dancing and exercising more. Someone said to me, i get to decide on the next chapter and can decide to make it a good one…i had to wait a long time to get a new house and when i did, focusing on decorating it my way gave me alot of happiness. With your own place, you dont have to compromise, you can decorate it however you like.

What makes you feel good? Rinse, repeat, focus on that. Maybe see if there are groups where you can meet people in the same boat. Expect bumps in the road. Day by day you will get stronger. You deserve better than your ex and you have got this. Eventually the lost feeling goes as you no longer care about the view in the rear view mirror and start looking ahead. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. It will all be ok in the long run.

I am preparing to leave the former family home in a few days and after a loooooooong wait whilst sorting out financial settlement etc. it’s what I want and I have been praying for an end to the limbo and a “new start” for years however now it’s here I feel tired, overwhelmed and emotional. I want to feel excited, happy and empowered. I have worried about feeling just as you do when I’m in the new house. Friends & family suggest that once I’m in I will instantly feel better but I’m not to sure. I imagine dreadful feeling of homesickness must be common. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and can’t really offer any practical advice but just wanted to say you aren’t alone and I can understand why you feel as you do.

Thank you @NewMeNewbie , I hope your experience is more positive. I'm still finding it incredibly hard. I thought I was buying myself happiness but I'm struggling with all the things wrong with the house I didn't notice and the sole responsibility now being on me to sort it out. I feel very stupid and very alone, even though friends are wonderful and supportive.

It was also my choice to leave the FMH for a new place but I didn't factor in how hard it would be for DC to move. I should have stayed. Or bought a better house. So, so stupid. So hard to undo.

Take your time.

Just stop and breathe for a while.

There is no rush.

Don’t ever compare yourself to others.

I think you’re being hard on yourself about the house - a property purchase is always something of a roll of the dice. All these problems could have happened with any property. Try not to fix everything at once and take it step by step. Stick with it - like most things, it’s not perfect but it’s yours now to love.

if you makes you feel better, I was shitting myself when I moved into the family home and out of my lovely singleton flat - and that was for something positive! Transitions are hard.

I did a lot of the “adulting” in the relationship so I’m not facing the fear that you have. Practical stuff is easy TBH what with the internet providing so much guidance. Plenty of useful stuff on YouTube for minor domestic crises which will save you forking out for tradesmen to sort it for you.

If anything I’m feeling completely unanchored without an OH. Life was not easy with them and I’ve been solidly taken advantage of, but I’m not sure what to do with my life now. I’m trying to take it one day and one week at a time for now.

@PancakesForElephants if you hate the house then get it up for sale and look for something else - I know there is stamp duty and conveyencing but an option if you want it to be.
if house maintained is stressing you out are there are new builds? Often these will part exchange so sell your house for you and in return you get a new house very quickly - some even pay stamp duty. You don’t have to be stuck. Have a look what is out there.

@Beachlovingirl thanks, I know rationally I could do that, I'm just overwhelmed with the thought of throwing money away and having to go through the stress of moving again plus effect on DC. No new builds close by but am back on Rightmove. I don't think I really want to be anywhere, not in a suicidal way just nowhere feels right or safe or like home.

@PancakesForElephants i totally understand. It seems like a lot to take on again. Though if you don’t like the house it won’t ever by a home and your DC will feel that too.
hopefully you haven’t finished unpacking?
you have to do what’s right for you OP and put yourself first. This is your home - your sanctuary and you deserve to be in a place where you feel those things.
on a practical level is there any sprucing up on the house you can do / have done to achieve more of a homely feel? Lighting, decorating, furniture etc all plays a part.

"healer, heal thyself"

You've hit it on the nail. This isn't about whether your property is right or not. Its about it not being your old home, your old life, not having to make tricky decisions - away from which you've only just moved. Its about leaving familiar haunts, nice neighbours (mine are lovely). That feeling will almost certainly follow you wherever you move to, for some time. Try to break down how much of what your feeling is about that, rather than about how much of a project your home is.

BTW moving to a new build isn't always a panacea - I've heard plenty of stories about shoddy, poky new builds with loads of issues,and battles to get builders to sort them, with some folk saying they'd never buy a house less than 5-10 years old as a result (so someone else has had the pain of sorting snags).

It's some way down the track for me but I am beginning to think about whether it's better to buy out my OH's share in the house (and risk living with the old memories) or move somewhere else (and have to face what you're going through). It's all v painful. Already had a cry this morning about it, and in fact about everything.

Wishing you, and all of us, strength.

@SilverLinings123 thanks. I didn't want to stay in old house because of the memories but totally underestimated how hard it would be for my teenage DC to move. They are heading into mocks and feels like too much to move to 50/50, only spent a handful of nights here. Breaks my heart. I wanted to buy a lovely house full of joy and laughter and I've bought a shabby house that is full of tension and sadness.

I really feel for you. Have you visited the GP? You may need some anti depressants or anti anxiety medication as it sounds like you’re stuck in a loop.

I think just start one thing with the house. Getting your child’s room sorted maybe? Just chip away doing a tiny bit at a time. Gradually it will get easier. If your ex was very domineering it’s no surprise you’re feeling the weight of it all now. Why did you choose the house? Remind yourself of that and start to make some small changes. Tiny steps.

A few people said to me I'd feel so much better behind my own front door, after living with Ex for a year, but I don't, I feel much much worse. I'm frightened. I hate it. I'm agitated. I'm grieving. I'm not myself. I've spoken to the Dr who diagnosed stress and started counselling. I'm frightened of being too fragile to help my DC adjust.