1+ year post sep, newly moved, massively struggling

[PancakesForElephants]

I've recently moved into a new house after my ex announced our rship was over last year, no discussion, there was someone else. I wanted to buy a new place, it all finally went through last week and I'm massively struggling.

I hate the new place, it all feels wrong and totally overwhelming, it's not as nice as I thought, there's no relief, all I can feel is abandoment, I've not got all furniture sorted, I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew and I can't make it nice for DC.

I hate it all. I feel frightened. The responsibility is all on me. Friends are nice and listen but I feel like I just can't cope. It's all on me and it's too much. And then I feel shit because I have single friends who do this. Why can't I?

Its not amicable but all this just wants me to go back to how it was and compromise myself so I don't have to be responsible. Not that ex wants me. Pathetic.

I can't sleep. I haven't unpacked. I hate it and I want to run away but I can't. 1 DC who's still at ex family home, not far away. Plan is for 50/50 but I'm struggling to get things sorted.

I was hoping for some relief after having to live with ex for a year, he's v happy with new gf and getting rid of me. I hate it. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm anxious. I'm abandoned :(.

Ah, poor thing, it does sounds like you're in a bit of a spin and I agree a trip to the GP to help you recover from it and level out is the right thing. However...

1. You left the family home for a good reason. If you had stayed, you'd probably have been writing the same post right now about how you can't live with the memories - the grass is not greener. There's only one way along this high wire - forwards!
2. Joy is people, not places*. Make your own joy, have friends round, if its elbow grease you need get them to pitch in. None of your friends care what state your house is in. As long as at least the kettle, loo and drinks cabinet are working, who gives a shit. I spent years being utterly socially constrained by my OH both in and out of the home - only a few months into this awful separation/divorce business I am going hell for leather to fix that (probably too much TBH).
3. The more you write, the more I see its not to do with where you are living, but where your head is at. Sounds like the move is a closure point and it is delayed grief you are in. A move, this move, any move (which was unavoidable - see point 1) was always going to trigger these feelings. It doesn't sound like you're brilliantly equipped right now to have this perspective, but I hope that soon you will be able to see that the new house isn't/wasn't the problem. I reckon sort the grief and your feelings for the house will sort themselves out.

*although I do love a beautiful bit of scenery - something which my left my OH largely unimpressed, but then they were clearly devoid of soul...

Sometimes we’re in such fight or flight mode (as you might have been in the run up to the move) we don’t think about or prepare for when you’re out the other side. You should be relaxed and happy but you’re not and that’s stressful plus maybe some stuff you’ve got to work through from the split. I would suggest giving it time, get used to the house. Make it safe and secure and as homely as you can without adding the pressure of sinking unnecessary money into it, in case you do want to move. Prioritise what’s urgent, take one room at a time and prioritise getting it comfy enough for your DC so they feel good about spending time there. Get them involved choosing things and even some minor DIY. YouTube is great for that and there’s a board on Mumsnet that I’ve found useful for tips. Learning new skills will use up the headspace and keep you busy.

Hi OP, I’m in a very similar position. Divorced last year after 25 years, 2 young adult DC.
i thought once I had my own place I’d be home and dry but hasn’t worked out that way.
I moved in 3 months ago and seem to have fallen apart, I feel completely overwhelmed and so sad all the time. Im not sleeping or eating properly, it’s all I can do to get dressed and go to work. I think I was in survival mode for so long my system is finally processing the grief of divorce.

I am seeing the GP this afternoon as I can’t shift the weight of sadness and crying all the time. Counselling has helped a bit but feel I need all the help I can get.

sending hugs

Hey @shizgigz sorry you're in a similar place to me. I feel q stupid that I thought I'd processed everything. I absolutely had not. "Survival mode" sounds right.

My Dr reluctant to prescribe anti ds for me, am trying counselling. Well done for getting to work, I can't even do that right now. X

Why would you feel stupid? This is the first time you’ve done this! (and hopefully the last). Be frustrated, yes, feel stupid, no.

@PancakesForElephantshello my lovely.
really surprised your GP is reluctant to prescribe; I’d say your current state of mind would absolutely warrant medicinal help. I saw mine today and told her I wanted to change my meds as didn’t think my current ADs were helping; she didn’t bat an eyelid. I figure if I can at least level my brain out a bit and get some sleep then everything else
will seem a little less overwhelming.
im Starting to make a list of everything that needs doing in my new house but will then park it until I feel a bit stronger.

one tiny step at a time x

GP thinks this is short term reaction. I'm still panicky but less so. Empty of joy though, hate new house, can't engage with fixing things, can't work. Looked on Rightmove, saw a house I wish I'd bought, back to feeling stupid. I had no idea it would be this hard. But I got through the initial breakup, have to hold onto that. Lots of doom spirals about a solo future.

I've not slept v well. I want to run away. I want to go see my ex and beg him to let me move back in as a flatmate so I can live with DC. DC hasn't settled in my house, gone back to familiarity. It's breaking my heart. How is this my life now? And I chose to move out and I chose this shit house. It's my fault. It's too much to fix. But even the thought of selling and getting a rental, say, seems like too much to organise. Overwhelmed.