Help needed! Please no judgements. Affair 😢

[ano111]

Help please. I’m not sure who else to turn to really, I would like to just talk to someone and understand how to deal with everything!

unfortunately I’m ashamed to say I’ve been having an affair for 2+ years with someone. I love this person a lot, we have spoke about getting together and leaving our partners.

the last couple of months have been really hard as we’ve argued a lot, mainly because of things we have both been doing with our own families and friends but now the arguing and seeing a different side to this person as made me really wonder if we are suited at all.

i love him very much that I feel like I can't end it as I do feel obsessed with him but the arguments lately really frustrate me and I get so angry and upset I feel like it’s turned me into a different person.

I feel a range of emotions also like I should leave my marriage anyway as I have cheated and it’s not fair and I can’t carry on with the lie. I do genuinely feel like it would ruin my partner and our kids if I left though so I don’t know what to do for the best anymore.

i feel sick with everything, I have no headspace and can’t deal with anything anymore! I know I only have myself to blame but I don’t know what to do anymore with anything and would really like to jsut talk to someone who might even understand this situation please.

Probably the only way to find peace and head space is to end your marriage, focus on your children and the separation and if your affair continues, so be it. If it doesn’t, it was just an infatuation or distraction from your unhappiness. He might never leave his wife mind.

Consider finding a counsellor who you can really open up to. Your experience is your experience; other people’s, no matter how similar, is likely to just confuse you.

I do see that but my husband is so happy also. He has no idea that I’m thinking about leaving or what I’ve done. Is it wrong to try and end the affair and move on - can I even bring myself to do that.
I just feel like running away from everything! I feel so stupid that I’ve created this mess.

Do you love your dh?
it sounds like you don’t really. You seem to value him and care about him but no linger love him.

so why are staying with him? You don’t stay with someone just to not upset them

Are you thinking about leaving the family home, taking personal responsibility for yourself elsewhere, paying CM?

How old are your dc? Has noone noticed that 2 years +, what you've been up to?

Read about affair limerance, it seems this is what you have, after 2 years something actually ‘real’ has entered into your affair and it’s causing issues. Affairs aren’t real life.

I do love him, I really do. I feel guilty for what I’ve done I feel like I should leave because I’ve had an affair so it must mean I’m not as committed to our marriage as I once was. We have been together 14 years and we have 2 children and it kills me to know how much it would kill then leaving.

No judgment.
Affairs often happen when people are unhappy in the marriage. Do you think that you could be happy in your marriage if you ended the affair and worked on yourself and your marriage?

Or do you just want to be by yourself and see how it goes with the OM?

I think whichever way you go will be easier than juggling it all at the same time. Which isn’t making you happy. When you make a decision you will feel less uneasy and you’ll have to just get on with it at that point.

@ano111 who's the higher earner?

Awww poor op, being forced to have an affair....CLEARLY her DHs fault!!

I feel like deep down I would like to focus on myself and my husband and try to make it work and attempt to be a better person and put this behind me.
I just don’t know how to do this and how to end the affair when I also love this person. I didn’t ever think I would be this person, i know I’m a bad person and I don’t know what to do or how to move forward for the best for everyone’s sake.

I’ve asked for help and advice. If you feel this way and can’t help or atleast make a non judgemental comment then please do not comment at all.

End the affair immediately. Your children's stability and happiness should be WAY more important to you than your own sexual desire.

And please think like a grown up. It is easy to 'love' someone who you only ever see for short, intense moments of desire. It's a suspension of the drudgery of daily life. Now you are rowing and seeing another side to them. Well, duh. No one is perfect 24/7. If you move in together, your lover will leave the dishes unwashed, fart in bed, ignore the kids, grumble about the cost of things, disagree on what colour to paint the kitchen, rant about Trump or football or other drivers - or the equivalent. And you'll have the added stress of very troubled children, money worries - two homes are more expensive to run than one - and a heartbroken DH as well as endless questions fired by relatives and sides taken by friends.

How can people not see this when they have affairs? It's so bloody obvious.

If you have a loving DH who is a good husband, count your lucky stars and start mending your marriage and treating him with respect and love and focus on your family. If the marriage is in dire straits for reasons other than you were bored and feckless, then leave, but not for this other man. Just make a break. But I would only do that if the marriage can't be salvaged. IMO far too many people blunder out of marriages because they get a bit bored and can't be bothered to make any effort which is such a cruel thing to do to children.

You do know how to do this. You really do. Just end the affair and then tell your DH you feel in a bit of a rut and want to make more effort together. Make plans for great family days out and weekends away to keep you busy at weekends, and book some babysitters so you and DH can have some fun together - do stuff you loved doing when you first got together - go to see your favourite bands or comedians or sports teams live. Set up some projects together - to redecorate your bedroom or run a marathon or plan a really good holiday.

Have fun at home too - put on your favourite music, cook for each other. Sit outside with a glass of wine when DC are in bed, and watch the sunset, or light a fire and stare at the flames and discuss things you want to do together. Have a bath together. Buy him some clothes he'd look sexy in. Do physical stuff together - go for a hot sweaty run or work out. Discuss interesting things in the papers. You know...just put some bloody effort into it!

It's really not unfathomable. Just keep very busy and block the lover. Your feelings for them won't go overnight. Just accept that and focus instead on growing your feelings of love and affection and respect and gratitude for your husband, and your sense of responsibility and priority of your children's wellbeing and learn to get your excitement from other aspects of life. Give yourself a big, exciting project to challenge you - a new job, a life goal - something that feels a bit daring and makes you wake up feeling a bit edgy and thrilled - get your kicks from that instead.

You do not have to follow the MN rule that an affair must mean the end of the marriage. Loads of marriages survive post-affair if you stop for good and focus on family life and your husband. I know of a couple in my own family that are proof of this and know of a few friends' marriages that have also survived affairs.

How did you get into having an affair - as in what made you decide to have an affair?
I say decided because at any point you could have stopped it before it got going.

Maybe ask for this to be moved to relationships. You might get more responses there.

Your poor husband deserves so much better. Do the decent thing. Tell him. Let him decide what happens once he knows all about your deceit, and after hes had a STI test too.

Oh go away. Your posts are goady & unhelpful to the op.

If you still love your husband & want to focus on yourself, your husband & your marriage - you should do that. It won't be easy to end it with the OM, but a) one of them has to go & b) now reality has entered the relationship you can see that it's not perfect either.

there was a time he made you feel incredible, desired & things your husband didn't (living life as a reality, not fantasy).

you might find it's still not 'good enough' with your DH, but if you've put 100% into it, you won't be left feeling you should have tried harder.

when you're tempted to contact the OM, just remind yourself he's not the one either!

how you do it?!! Just tell him that you're very sorry for hurting him but you feel you want to focus on yourself marriage & children & so have to end it with him. Make lots of plans with your DH (with & without the kids) I think a 'project' with DH to focus on helps. Plan something you've both always wanted to do (doesn't need to be a huge expense) Decorate (if you own your house), invest time in your joint life/home.

Imagine how much it will kill your OH when he finds out….but I guess this is all about you…..

Have you been using condoms with your affair partner? Or have you put your husband’s health at risk?

You need to come clean. Doesn’t matter if you want to stay or leave; you must come clean.

You also need to be able to tell him if you are ending the marriage or want to save it. But you cannot hedge your bets. If you want to save your marriage then you end the affair and cut all contact now, before you own up to it. You don’t keep it going as a back up while you wait to see if your husband will forgive you.

So decide. Do you want to save your marriage? If yes, then end the affair and tell your husband. Then you need to let him decide and do whatever it takes if he give you a chances. If no, then stop your disgustingly deceitful behaviour and leave the marriage.

Cross posted with you, but you said it much better!!

Affairs are all very thrilling at the beginning, you’re at the reality stage now and seeing your affair partner for the flawed human being he actually is as opposed to the romantic lead in your fantasy world.

Think seriously about who really cares about you and who you couldn’t bear never to see again. I bet it’s actually your husband.

End the affair immediately and focus on being a better wife and mother.