Help needed! Please no judgements. Affair 😢

[ano111]

Help please. I’m not sure who else to turn to really, I would like to just talk to someone and understand how to deal with everything!

unfortunately I’m ashamed to say I’ve been having an affair for 2+ years with someone. I love this person a lot, we have spoke about getting together and leaving our partners.

the last couple of months have been really hard as we’ve argued a lot, mainly because of things we have both been doing with our own families and friends but now the arguing and seeing a different side to this person as made me really wonder if we are suited at all.

i love him very much that I feel like I can't end it as I do feel obsessed with him but the arguments lately really frustrate me and I get so angry and upset I feel like it’s turned me into a different person.

I feel a range of emotions also like I should leave my marriage anyway as I have cheated and it’s not fair and I can’t carry on with the lie. I do genuinely feel like it would ruin my partner and our kids if I left though so I don’t know what to do for the best anymore.

i feel sick with everything, I have no headspace and can’t deal with anything anymore! I know I only have myself to blame but I don’t know what to do anymore with anything and would really like to jsut talk to someone who might even understand this situation please.

The only advice I can really give is to try and be honest with yourself.

You say that you love your husband and value his happiness but your actions don't align.

You say it'd kill him and the kids if you separated. Would it really? Divorced couples and their kids come at ten a penny and often thrive on the other side.

Maybe these are falsehoods you've clung onto which have stopped you from breaking off/and committing fully to your other partner. Only you will know how you actually feel but maybe take some time to really think about it and try to weed out any lies you've told yourself. Dishonestly becomes second nature when you're literally living a lie. You're deceiving your whole family so it's more than likely that you've been lying to yourself too.

Thanks everyone I appreciate the support.
I do know i need to the end affair I think deep down I know he couldn’t make me as happy as my husband did/does. I think the question I’m living with is how do I move on from this now. Do I tell him what’s happened and let him make that call or do I carry on as we are and forget about it and hopefully move on from it.

People urging you to tell your DH, I’m not so sure about that. All it really does is transfer your guilt into his pain. If you can end the affair and save your marriage, it’s your cross to bear.

End the affair. Kind of pointless having an affair if it’s making you miserable.
Tell your husband, give him the choice of whether he is willing to stay with you. He will know that, to have managed an affair for over 2 years, there will have been a significant number of lies told to him. Although he may decide he doesn’t want to end the marriage, the lies may hit harder than the actual affair.
Once all of that is decided, can you live without him trusting you, for an unknown and possibly infinite period of time, possibly forever. And all that a lack of trust entails.

Who else knows? You will think nobody, but after 2 years, someone will know.
Sexual health. If your boyfriend has turned from being a suitable alternative to your husband, into someone you are arguing with, is he being “faithful “ to you?
IMO, your marriage is over but that is up to you and your husband to decide if you both can live with and through the aftermath of this.

I was you OP. And I can tell you it blew up in the end. My exDH found out and it nearly killed me (quite literally as I was suicidal).
Many years of therapy later I can tell you this.
I was not in love with the other guy, I was seeking to fill holes in my life and ended up trapped in a dysfunctional relationship. Both in and outside of the marriage. Couples Counselling and ending things with OM would not have ultimately helped. Because I was broken. I was the problem and I needed to fix me first before I could fix anything else.

So if you can end the affair please try to do this. And then get yourself into therapy and work out what brought you here and how to get out. Your marriage may or may not survive but first thing first is getting to know yourself and what is driving you to do this

If you wanted to start another relationship or seek someone new you should have ended your current marriage.

You seem to be in the mindset of you choosing between two men and seeking guarantees that you can have one of them and a good, stable long term relationship. that’s not how it works, especially given your choices so far: your H doesn’t know you’ve been in another relationship and OM is an unknown quantity who, like you, has acted in ways suggesting he’s unlikely to be a good partner.

If you continue the affair it’s probable your H will find out and divorce you. At a time and in a way not of your choosing. With chaotic, unpleasant things happening for you, him and your DC along the way. Even if you end the affair now that’s still a high risk. Few partners stay in a relationship after finding out about an affair of that duration.

Loving your affair partner isn’t a good reason to continue the relationship.

Does this man have DC too?

The odds of the scenario of you and your affair partner leaving your partners, being together dully and the relationship going well long term are low. Even setting aside the huge negative impact it would have on your DC.

Start making better decisions.

You tell your OH and let him make the call. But an affair of over 2 years is a massive betrayal, many partners wouldn’t want to or be able to get past this. It wasn’t just a one-off fling but time and time again you went back to this other man. You made the choice so many times.

I’m guessing you met at work, seems to be very common. It happened to my coysin, her husband had been having an affair over nine years as well as using dating sites and hookups because of the opportunities presented by his travel with work. My cousin had a breakdown when the whole extent of her husband’s lies were finally uncovered. Her children don’t speak to him anymore.

You’re lying to yourself in the end. How do you square the reality of being a liar with the face you present to your family and your husband and in your work life.

You have been having an affair with each other for two years, and both lying to your respective partners all this time?
I find that absolutely staggering, why don’t you try stop thinking about yourself and try to think about your poor husband and children, not to mention your lovers family.
Your posts reek of self pity and concern for yourself, have some for the man you married.

Tell your husband. He deserves to know, if he doesn't already (which I find hard to believe). If you end the affair and keep it secret it will probably blow up in your face at some point.

"no judgements. Affair" -- I fear you may be on the wrong site for that!

Anyway, I think you need to work out what's happening in each relationship. And, if you end the affair, don't tell the husband.

OP respectfully it’s not right to try and control and edit what others say. You chose to post on a public forum… to then say I did X… but don’t call me out, comment or say anything that doesn’t support or corroborate me is daft and also a sure fire way to avoid accountability or encountering alternative views. @NellieElephantine entitled same as anyone to comment how they want and too many MN threads these days start by trying to control the narrative from the outset. You’re free to ignore any responses, or have option not to post but folk have a right to reply how they want.

It shouldn’t be your choice anymore. You have acted disgracefully. It is now time for your DH to decide what the future holds. He and your DC are the victims here not you.

If he stays after tou have told him everything then you will have to live with the fact that you probably don’t deserve to be with him anyway.

Maybe it would be best to end the affair and work on your marriage? Is there a chance your DH will find out? How about telling him everything and trying to work on it together?

Agreed.

I have an ex-friend who is still having affair with a married man after 5 years. But she is divorced and single. He's constantly telling her he's going to leave his wife and children for her. You'd think after all this time she'd realise that it's never going to happen. Some people are very daft.

My current partner's ex had an affair. Yes it did break him, ruin their marriage and affected their children. But he managed to find someone who really did love him (me!) and his boys are all young adults now and they're all doing okay, although it took time for them to forgive their mum and heal from it. Your DH and children deserve better than how you're behaving. Really you need to stop the affair and make up for what you've done forever or do the decent thing and leave your husband and give him the chance to find someone better.

It sounds like you loved your affair partner for the lust and the excitement, but once ‘relationship issues’ cropped up, it’s tainted it. Unfortunately affairs are very much that - they give you something your home life isn’t, but every relationship will ultimately change in to the mundane. The arguments, lack of space etc. the grass isn’t greener.

You should really leave your husband. Let him rebuild his life, whether you end up with affair partner or not. No judgement about you doing that, but also putting myself in your husbands shoes it would be really unfair to stay with him like the betrayal never happened.

I would do exactly this. Affairs very rarely become any more than that. I would end it immediately, block him on everything and commit to your marriage and children.

The alternatives are continuing as you are which is totally unfair on your husband and children. You can’t be focussing on your kids to the degree you should and obsessing over a man. You are stealing your poor dh’s time because he has no idea you’re unfaithful. Therefore no agency to choose to be in a more truthful and fulfilling relationship.

Or, leaving your family for this man who likely will never leave his wife and even if he does, you’re already arguing. It’s unlikely to lead to long term happiness.

Or being honest with your DH now and finding a way forward together but be warned this will lead to a lot of suffering all round.

So for what it’s worth, having been cheated on in the past repeatedly, having cheated myself and having been the other woman (all pre my lovely DH) - I would end the affair, put it behind you and commit totally to your DH and family.

Also to add, some people are spiteful. If you end the affair there is nothing to say the OM won’t tell your husband. Or someone somewhere will one day mention something that will unravel and it’ll blow up both your lives. Lies catch up with you sooner or later.

Very true. Lies always do catch up and they bite the person in the arse when least expected. Not too good for the poor unknowing person either.

You are NOT A BAD PERSON. We are not simple one dimensional beings. Doing something you regret or that is not a good thing to do doesn’t make you a bad person any more than doing a good thing makes someone a good person.

Hitler was kind to animals. That is good. Doesn’t mean he was a good person.

Joseph Stalin loved and supported his mother. Doesn’t mean he was a nice guy.

Robin Williams, famously thoroughly decent human being cheated on his wife.

Martin Luther-King Widely revered for his pivotal, non-violent leadership in the American Civil Rights Movement cheated on his wife.

Mother Theresa did a whole bunch of iffy shit.

Abraham Lincoln: Celebrated as the President who preserved the Union during the Civil War and issued the Emancipation Proclamation, leading to the abolition of slavery oversaw the latest mass execution in history.

Florence Nightingale held raging racist beliefs

no one on Mumsnet certainly is in a position to declare you a ‘bad person’

The husband deserves to know, he’s been betrayed, lied to and had his health put at risk. That’s disgraceful