Separated, living together and kids aware.

[CleverOpalBalonz]

Please can you share your experiences of this? Our kids are 13 & 11. We haven’t told them yet that we’re separating. We’re trying to figure out logistics first but do we tell them when husband is going to move out? Do we tell them soon but carry on living together, separately for a few months or even longer whilst we sort things? How did your children cope with this if they knew?

We have a spare room one of us will move into so it will be obvious what is going on when we do move in there. Currently we are living quite separately, doing things individually with the children rather than altogether as we used to. We only speak when the children are there or about the children then we’re in separate spaces. I feel like I want it out in the open but don’t want it to be too confusing to the children when we then continue living together.

We did this. It was fucking awful. The kids knew before we told them

Awful for you or awful for the kids? Or all? At what point did you tell them?

It’s awful for me right now. I feel like it’s not my home anymore as if he’s downstairs I’m staying upstairs so feeling isolated. We’re both giving each other space and time with the children but it’s weird and not a nice environment.

Awful for everyone - just felt like on egg shells all the time, granted we had issues that may be different to yours (his drinking and emotional abuse) He didn't want to tell them, I told them a few months in when I had had enough. He accused me of ruining their childhoods.

We are much better off now living separately

This is a particularly hard phase you are going through. I moved into another bedroom but if anyone came to the house my husband insisted I hid the fact I was now sleeping in a different room.

my children are younger and they just didn’t understand at first. It was a tense time making new rules like we each have a shelf in the fridge. Not everyone needs to do this but I was buying all the food shop and my husband was helping his self so I had to be clear that he needs to buy his own food.

we also started hanging out with the kids without the other parent.

for me, once my husband accepted that this was happening and was agreeable to sorting out the finances and custody (we went 50% equity for buy out and shared custody of the children) and we’d explained to the kids what was happening the kids seemed more settled as we could be clear about what to expect to happen and that was a relief and the atmosphere calmed and felt a lot happier.

you will get to this point OP just move forward.

During this first phase I felt a lot of regret and guilt and panic and wished I’d never said anything but in my gut I knew it was the right thing to do and I surrounded myself with people who also knew this was the right next step for me and the children.

Thanks @Beachlovingirl Im feeling a lot of the things you’ve mentioned. I hate uncertainty and wish we could tell the kids so I can’t back out because I keep questioning myself. I’ve been unhappy for many, many years though and it needs to happen.

I know it’s selfish to tell the kids for that reason so obviously won’t be doing.

Im having to initiate every single conversation and thought about this and it’s tiring. It’s one of the many reasons I want out, nothing happens unless I do it. I wish he’d hurry up with a plan of where he’s going to live and communicate that so we can move forward. He has said I can stay in the house.

We’re doing this. Children are 13 and 16. We’re in separate bedrooms so felt we needed to tell them. Eldest wasn’t surprised as he’d picked up on it. It’s better now it’s in the open and my youngest said to me today that we’re managing it really well. We’re having separate dinners with them and we were living separate lives anyway. We’re only doing this until the house sells.

@CleverOpalBalonz what does he mean when he says you can stay in the house? I can stay in my house only because I’m buying him out and also I want to own it so that it is mine and he can’t come for it later on or insist I sell it later to free up his equity. I would get clarity on this.

we also were living separately to be honest already but with an undertone of resentment (from me) because my husband just didn’t want to spend any time with us. I would try and make a plan for the weekend and Jesus Christ that was hard work. My husbands favourite phrase for weekends “let’s just try and do nothing” yes because young kids love that.

I love having my own room. I chose lovely bedding from ikea and a new bed that only I chose and I love sleeping on my own. It’s a total treat…!

I hope you told him he was the alcoholic not you. I hate the way men always try to put the blame on the wife. Itakes me rage.

I think it's probably the worst part of divorce. It must feel like living in limbo. Once he moves out you can start rebuilding your life. Repaint bedroom a different colour, buy new bedding and if you can afford it a new bed. When my exh moved out I told him he could take our bed. He was surprised but I knew I didn't want to sleep in it after we split. I got a new bed, new bedding, moved the bedroom around and painted it a different colour. I had new wallpaper put in sitting room and dining room too that I picked. As I was staying in the house I knew it had to look different for me to be comfortable there.

@Beachlovingirl I wish I knew what he meant by me having the house, he’s basically avoiding one too one conversations with me so I haven’t had any clarity on this. I doubt very much I can afford to buy him out though. I think I need legal advice to see what my options are but need to get clarity on his salary for that too as he’s had a recent rise.

@BoysRule at the minute we’re still eating all together but I’d like to come up with a plan of days we get our time with the children and then we can maybe have separate meals. I feel like it could be confusing us all being together but equally I want to show that it’s amicable.

Once the spare room is empty I plan to repaint it and get new bedding. I’ve emptied my stuff but guess who’s taking their time. It’s been his dumping ground for years. I may end up doing it all myself.

I'm currently living with my STBEXH and cant wait to get out. Yes it's ok, but i feel so lonely in the evenings. Our kids are 3 and 7, and we only told them a few days ago. House will be going on the market hopefully by next weekend.

I still end up doing more housework, it infuriates me, but its not worth the arguments and I'm just focusing on how much of a shit tip his house will be without me there and how much less cleaning and laundry I'll have. Maybe he'll then figure out how uneven the split was, but I doubt it.

It’s very difficult to share a house when you’re separated. You need to get some legal advice quickly and have some conversations with him about living apart. Divorce takes the best part of a year (if it’s straightforward) so I’d be pushing for a plan where one of you moves out or you put the house on the market.
My kids were teenagers when we separated and they would have felt uncomfortable if we have continued living together so my ex moved out and stayed at a friends for a few weeks then rented until we sorted finances.

good luck

Hi OP, I have been living with my ex partner for the last 2 years. We have one 8 almost 9 year old DS. At first it was pretty hellish, I initiated the slipt and moved into the spare room. We started doing things separately and eating separately. He hated the idea of separating and thought i was going to ruin his and our sons life.

Then we settled into a routine, we had 50/50 arrangement where we took it in turns having full parental responsibility. We also split household chores 50/50.
We did this nesting sort or arrangement for one year. We spent Christmas and birthdays together as a family.

Then, at the start of this year we told our son we were separating and I started looking for a house. (My ex is buying me out of our house). Our DS seemed to be completely fine with it, he didnt seem surprised (because we alteady had seperate mum/dad days) and he was excited about having a new bedroom and garden to play in.

Because we have both had time to get used to the idea there is no longer any arguing or hostility between us. My ex helped with my house hunting and I am in the process of buying a house a few streets away. We are now happily dividing up our things ready for the eventual move!

It hasn't always been easy, over the last 2 years there have been some really challenging days and a few awful fights. But I do feel this has been the best for our son and it won't be such a big adjustment only seeing one parent at a time.

I hope this helps, it is difficult in those early stages and I know this arrangement won't suit everyone but from my experience it does get better and the slow approach has helped everyone adjust.

Thanks for these responses, it’s really helpful to know how others dealt with it. It was me initiating it but mutual. Today I’ve had a bit of an angry/resentful day. Basically any cleaning that has been done has been me yet again. I sent him only with the kids on kid focused errands one day this weekend and spent the whole time cleaning up after him mainly. Today has been much the same. I look forward to having my own space and a tidy home. The last few years I’ve given up as it will never last more than a day due to the husband mainly.

We had a conversation and I’ve sent him a list of all the information I need then I plan to see a solicitor to get advice, then I’ll speak to a mortgage advisor and see if I can afford to buy him out or if we out the house on the market. It needs work doing but I don’t think I have the strength to do it, he will help but I will have to point out every little obvious thing that needs doing. So we may end up losing out on potential equity by just getting it on the market.

I nearly went to tell my parents today but felt a bit too emotional. I ended up sorting through loads of stuff and already have divided stuff into boxes. I’ve asked if we can sort out set times with the children too, even whilst in the same house. I’m fed up of feeling like I don’t live here.

would you recommend paying for a Surveyor for the house valuation or getting 3 estate agents round? The house is different to all the neighbours so can’t go off that really.

Hey it sounds like you have a good plan. Get your free initial appointment with a solicitor so you can get some advice, you don’t need exact figures to do that just rough estimates.

Tell your parents - they need to know and you need support.

Best to both get 2 estate agents round just say you are either thinking of selling or possible buy out and can you have a figure to market the property and an expected sale price. We then agreed a figure somewhere between the valuations. You don’t need to pay a surveyor.

I did this for 9 months. We decided he could stay until we sold the house.
We were amicable and got on.
We told the kids and they were obviously upset but I think it was good for them to see that we could still get on.
I did say to my ex that if we couldn't get on and be respectful then he would have to move out.
I feel it worked well for the kids but personally I feel like I sacrificed myself and my feelings to make it ok for the kids. My marriage ended due to my exs cheating.
The relief when we (the kids and me) moved to our new home was immense.

Thanks, I’ll tell my parents at the weekend. I’ve been worried about them saying something in front of the children before they know but I do need their support. Or not, I doubt my Mum will be supportive.

I booked a call with a national solicitors today, then they didn’t bother ringing. Feeling low again after that. Husband also sent me inaccurate figures for his income so I’m guessing the games are beginning although he’ll plead ignorance.

Has anybody had it where they can give a portion of their pension to reduce the buyout amount of a property? I could probably get a mortgage for 2/3rds of the equity he has to buy him out but that leaves me with a shortfall of about £25k I would think. Is this an option that people have heard of? I know I need legal advice but I’d just like to feel maybe a little less hopeless about it all.

Also, it’s been a sexless relationship for 8 years. Since I’ve made the decision to separate, he is on board with divorce but we’re yet to start proceedings, I’ve started wanting that flirting. Am I allowed to do this? I’m no where near ready for sex with someone, haven’t even spoken to another man and certainly won’t be actively seeking. But if I’m out and a flirting opportunity arises is this ok? Where is the line? Or is the line what me and him agree? I don’t really want that conversation.

You can’t be given a portion of the pension to use directly for a buy out but you can negotiate and say that you’ll leave the pension alone if he agrees to you only having to pay x for the total buy out

it doesn’t mean he will go for it but depends if he wants to hold onto 100% of it. If he doesn’t agree to negotiating on the equity then you could go for the pension. It’s a transfer into your own pension that you can claim when you retire you can’t use the money now.

also get a valuation on your house so you know what you’re dealing with. I left it and that was bad for me because in the time I had left it the house prices had gone up. If I’d have got for the valuation at the time then I would have to pay less for my buy out.

Thanks for that. Estate agent valuations booked in now.

A bit of an update and advice needed on new situation please.

The children now know, it was a traumatic 24 hours but then they’ve been absolutely fine. We’re still living together, separate rooms now. But I’m absolutely fed up of doing all of the cleaning, all of the sorting of the divorce so far, all of the shopping, the sorting of the children, 70% of laundry, 90% of the cooking etc etc. He comes home expecting his dinner on the table and I don’t seem to have it in me to make food for the kids and not him but equally no one ever makes me dinner. I’m exhausted and feeling really down about it. We’ll be living together until around March/April I expect as I need to buy him out and that’s when we can submit consent order.

So, any advice on how I can handle this? One of the reasons for us getting divorced is that I was utterly fed up of having to ask for anything to get done. So I don’t want to do the very simple thing of asking him to clean, cook etc as I will have to write a list for him most likely to actually get it done.

Would us sorting out what days we’d have the children when we’re living separately and trying to stick by that now work?

I stopped cooking, cleaning, washing for him

Anything he left lying around i threw in his room

It was still awful. I dont envy you at this stage 😔

The nearer it got to the end, the worse his behaviour became

Yes, I had to do this for a few months while we got finances in place for XH to move out. It was hellish.

Do whatever you can to minimise the time frame and any bickering.

I am in this situation right now @CleverOpalBalonz living together while being separated.
I bought ex his own laundry basket and just put all his dirty washing in that and told him that was his, it was his to do, and he would need to purchase laundry pods and softener.
I cleared a shelf in the fridge and told him this is his shelf for the food he buys.
same with the food cupboard.
it worked surprisingly well actually. He was so much easier. I shops got me and the DC and he shops for himself.
I don’t cook for him and he doesn’t for me but we’ve been in this situation since August and so now if he’s made something that is too big for him I will have some and vice versa.
I do have all my own financial docs locked in my car boot in case he comes snooping (this has happened before) and I advise you to do the same. To do with the buy out - anything. It’s not his stuff any more.

This is good to read as I’m at the very start of this journey. Agreed to separate while on holiday 2 weeks ago (I checked out of the marriage years ago, but it’s completely mutual and amicable at the moment). I’ve moved into spare bedroom but that’s about it so far. No kids so we’re ok in that sense. Good to read that it’s do-able because we simply can’t afford for one of us to rent at the moment so we need to stay put until we get the house ready to sell.

We told them and I’m glad we did. It was 7ish months between telling them and him moving out and it gave the kids time to process. Settling in to two separate houses was much easier because of this time I think. Kids were similar ages to yours too.