Is it possible to divorce but remain as a couple?

[Searchingforchange09]

I won’t go Into the details as it’s extensive, but my DH and I have been married for nearly 6 years and cohabited for a few months prior.

My DH has put me through a lot since we married and I have a financial interest I would like to protect.

Would a divorce still be legitimate if we divorce and go through a financial settlement etc but remain as a couple throughout?

My DH would receive a fair settlement but I want to protect myself going forwards. We have agreed on what we feel is fair currently.

I am aware our relationship may simply be doomed but he has sworn he will change and I feel I can’t leave him. I think maybe I need to see if this is the time he does or more likely, doesn’t.
i want to at least protect myself financially right now, as I can’t emotionally if I do give him another chance.

I’m just curious if this would invalidate the divorce in any way?

I think that when you divorce you have to declare that the relationship has irrevocably broken down. You may be best talking to a solicitor about how you can protect your financial interests

Would you consider a post-nuptial agreement to protect your assets?

I have looked into a post nup but as they’re not legally binding, I’m not really happy it offers suitable protection.
I did wonder about that declaration, but wondered if it’s fair to say the marriage has broken down but not the relationship.
It is a strange idea, but I just know I have to start taking steps.

I think I will try seeing a solicitor this week and see what they say to be sure.
I’m just feeling very on edge about it all. I’d rather leave the relationship entirely but he keeps pleading and being nice and confusing me. I know what he’s doing but can’t quite break out of it yet.

What if the financial settlement in such a divorce doesn’t go in your favour /how you want it ? Because a judge may not deem it fair even though you agree

That’s why I’m keen to start things soon. Our marriage is pretty short, we have no children, are both pretty young and I brought 100% of the assets into the marriage.

We have decided on an amount we consider fair which would allow him to restart his life and purchase a new home.

I am aware the longer we are married, the more a judge who receives the consent order may insist he is entitled to more. I just want to keep my home.

If you stay together then surely he won't agree to a divorce? Or am I missing something?

He has put me through hell for 6 years now, and I have said to him I want a divorce. He is adamant he will change and won’t accept us breaking up so I suggested we divorce but stay together for now. He seems agreeable so far.
I know I’m still being manipulated but I’m trying to claw back some security for myself.

I think he’s agreed to it for now or in the heat of the moment but I can’t see him continuing to think this is a fail deal or solution

He doesn’t have to accept you breaking up. You can do it without his permission. Just go ahead with the divorce, it’ll make it easier when the relationship inevitably ends.

I know it is possible.
I don’t see it as unfair as he’s leaving the marriage with the ability to buy a house with either no or a very small mortgage? He came into it with basically nothing.

given the length and overall situation, this seems reasonable to me? I have no desire to be unfair to him despite how he has treated me.

I'm not sure what you are really looking for. You said you are happy to give him a fair settlement so what do you mean by " remain as a couple" ?

This is what I wanted, but he won’t stop pleading with me and it’s made me feel confused and guilty.
I hope I can get some clarity back and take the necessary steps.

I would not do this. I think it puts you at risk of becoming the emotionally abusive person. He's emotionally manipulating you, you want out, it's done. But I see you need to reach your own conclusions.

He’s likely to change his view of fair when’s he’s had legal advice

honestly I would never stay with anyone who wanted to divorce for financial reasons yet stay together.

You either should divorce and move on or stay and make it work. And if he’s treated you badly I’d suggest the former .

If you have good reasons to end the marriage, end it. If not, work on it. Apart from the legalities of it, it will be an emotional minefield and will just delay the inevitable. In my experience, the only change folks are capable of in these situations is change for the worse. And, if you've got a foot out of the door, there will be promises and performance for a while, and then back to square one.

Just file for divorce & be done with him. You are being manipulated into staying with him.

I did wonder about this.
I felt like I wanted to take back some power after walking on eggshells and him lashing out emotionally for years. I think I can see this isn't the right approach.

I think I know that’s the truth, I just felt like I needed to give him one more chance. but I have thought that many times before now.
I don’t really trust him anymore. Even if he did change, I think I’d feel angry that he didn’t do it sooner. He didn’t change because he saw me hurt by his behaviour but rather he is changing because he is sad about losing something he wants.

You'll find it easier for yourself emotionally if you just divorce, draw a line under it and move on. Otherwise he'll never leave and You'll be in an even worse position. Once the trust is gone there's no getting it back. You're making life very difficult for yourself. Cut the ties. He's not being fair.

Oh financially he’s highly gaining. That bit is unfair on you.

no I mean emotionally, he will realise being divorced but kept along is unfair to him emotionally or ethically

I talked to him about this as you are right, it doesn’t feel ethically right to him.
I have told him I want to proceed with the divorce and I will try to stay firm on it. He gets hysterical crying and saying he will never be happy again and his life is over without me. At a point, it starts to feel performative and manipulative.

Just call it a day.

Jesus wept op it’s been 6 years, I guarantee he is never changing, this is the package!

it’s ok to admit you made a mistake and walk away, I really wish I hadn’t let my pride and stubborn fear of failure hold me in such a shit situation for 18 years. Waste of my time. There’s so much more to life than this drudgery

From what you say, he wants to stay in because of his fear of change and failure, not because he loves you. And, he might well never be happy again. First of all, it isn't your problem. He's a grown man, you are not responsible for his happiness, he is. But also he doesn't sound like he's capable of much happiness anyway. Question is whether you're going to let him drag you down with him. Be firm. I stayed in such a situation for 19 years. I wish I had had better advise early on.

I agree with pp OP, I'm not saying you're coming from this place but I think the behaviour will look abusive from the outside. Imagine if a man divorced his wife to protect his financial interests but wanted to remain with her, we'd be calling that clear cut financial abuse & financially controlling. Is that really who you want to become? Your relationship has become toxic if this is the point you have arrived at.