Is it possible to divorce but remain as a couple?

[Searchingforchange09]

I won’t go Into the details as it’s extensive, but my DH and I have been married for nearly 6 years and cohabited for a few months prior.

My DH has put me through a lot since we married and I have a financial interest I would like to protect.

Would a divorce still be legitimate if we divorce and go through a financial settlement etc but remain as a couple throughout?

My DH would receive a fair settlement but I want to protect myself going forwards. We have agreed on what we feel is fair currently.

I am aware our relationship may simply be doomed but he has sworn he will change and I feel I can’t leave him. I think maybe I need to see if this is the time he does or more likely, doesn’t.
i want to at least protect myself financially right now, as I can’t emotionally if I do give him another chance.

I’m just curious if this would invalidate the divorce in any way?

Yes I totally agree. It’s not who I am and I don’t want to let this situation turn me into someone who is cruel or manipulative.

I think I got to that place as I am feeling so hurt and vulnerable emotionally and now financially, I wanted to take some power back.

But it is not the right way and I will go ahead with the divorce.

I think a lot of it is fear of the unknown yeh. I am comfortable and familiar to him.
I still care about him and want him to do well and be happy, but he needs to find this by himself.
Our marriage has been an emotional rollercoaster from day one, and at times he has acted out in violent and intimidating ways breaking things and scaring me.
I just can’t stay any longer now.

Of course he's pleading with you and being nice. You're the meal ticket.

He sounds abusive op I don’t think you should stay with him just because he doesn’t agree. Seek advice about this secretly and about how to get an occupation order on your house.
you should be allowed to break up,
if you wanted to keep him as a fun friends with benefit I’m sure you could as lots of divorcing couples split up but I don’t think that would be a good idea for your situation. Good luck escaping

Oh just seen he’s been violent and breaking things - reporting this dv to th e police is a good idea and will help get him out of your home quickly - talk to police about it

You don't need his permission to split up. Of course he's not going to want to split up, if he's benefitting from being with you. He's not going to change.

Yes I agree, the pleading and crying will end when he realises it’s not working. Be careful op. Trust yourself. And good luck. Come back for a pep talk if you need it.

You don't need his permission to divorce and you don't have to stay in a relationship with him. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated and leave the relationship if that is what you want.

Remember in divorce you typically start from 50/50 and work from there. If you can prove you contributed more and he risked your finances, you may have some pull to give him less. Get decent legal advice.
It will always feel a bit galling that he benefits from being married to you, but it sounds like the sooner you split, the less he will gain. I guarantee if you stand firm, he will wail and gnash his teeth and then move on. My XH met someone new within days! (He swears there was no overlap 🤔). Does it gall me that he and his new wife and her DC were able to
buy somewhere because I had an inheritance I shared? Er, yes. But at least now I’m free and she has to live with him 😂
Move on. Your future self will thank you for it.

I’d rather leave the relationship entirely

Then this is what you do. You can't stay in a relationship that you want to leave because the pleading hysterics from the other party is a bit uncomfortable. Stop trying to jump through hoops to make this less worse for him, you will make it worse by doing this in the long run. Rip off the plaster, start divorce proceedings, get it behind you and move on.

I think a trial separation, with a divorce is how I would frame it. Let him move out, live separately, and then when the divorce is final, start 'dating' again. My friend did this, and they are now back together and much happier.

Did you miss the part where he’s a violent manipulator? 🤔

My first exh was like this. I said to him I wanted a trial separation so that I could get away safely. Thankfully he believed me. Once he was gone I filed for divorce. He was furious and I ended up with a non mol against him because he was vile.

Just end it, don't listen to his pleading, remember how hes treated you for 6 years

I sort of it did - started divorce, got back together but let the divorce go though and stayed together

You need to divorce - he doesn’t have to agree. Go and see a solicitor. Maybe consider some therapy to disentangle yourself.

If you've agreed a fair split between you then does a judge really need to get involved? When I divorced my ExH we worked it out between ourselves and got our solicitors to draw up a separation agreement. I just had to visit the Justice of the Peace office at the local sheriff court. No judge or court required. We are in Scotland though so it may be different rules.

Only so that it is legally binding and will stop any future claims financially.
I didn’t mean actually attending court, just that the agreement is sent off to a judge I believe who will approve it. I think the rules are somewhat different in Scotland?

I appreciate the advice given. It is a really sad and painful situation. I am reminding myself of how he has treated me throughout the marriage.

I just can’t believe at this point things will change for us and I know I need to leave, but I still feel stuck in ways not wanting to hurt him and hoping for that elusive change. It just hurts that things never had to be this way, but also the thought of not having to walk about on eggshells in my own home feels good?

Why did you not stop the divorce, if you don’t mind me asking?