I know husband won't leave , house is mine, what do I do?

[Pleaseleave2468]

I have been wanting to separate for 5 years now to the point where it dominates my every thought.
My husband is manipulative, a liar and has mental health problems. I am scared of him so I stay. To add, he has never ever hurt me or done anything to scare me , I just know this is what he is like.
We have just fallen out of love, have no respect for each other, already live seperate lives, are not intimate and have separate bedrooms. We have 2 teenagers.
I have always thought he stays with me because he doesn't have to pay a mortgage/ rent although he has paid out lots over the years and I was also a stay at home mum for 14 years . So i am grateful for that . I thought he wanted to stay for the kids also but im not actually sure now as we all seem to irritate him.
I've held on and on because of the kids and me not wanting to share custody of them whilst they were young. They are older now so not the same issue.
I have actually told him I want to separate twice , plus its pretty obvious on a daily basis. But he won't leave and I dont understand why?
How do I get him to leave? What do I do? Other than put a for sale sign up outside which I know he would sabotage the sale , I feel trapped! How do I get out of this situation as I really can't bare to waste any more of my life.
Im 40 but feel 80. The stress this has caused me has aged me tremendously and I confort eat and am now morbidly obese and have associated health problems. I feel like im heading to an early grave and I cant seem to stop it whilst in this headspace. If it wasn't that the kids were here I would just walk out and let him have everything but I can't

You can’t make him leave the matrimonial home (unless his a risk to you). You can start divorce proceedings.

File for divorce and look at options, ie could you get an occupation order? Can you buy him out of his entitled share? I know you say its yours, but you also dont say what country you are in. Rules are very different in Scotland than England.

Fellow SAHM here, how will you pay the bills on the house when he’s gone? Do you have significant savings? I would probably focus on getting a job first as this could take a while if you’ve been out of the workforce a long time. EDiT sorry I’ve just seen you were a SAHM but now back working?

Do you have full transparency of the family finances, do you know how much is in his pension etc? If not get all this info together in the background to start prepping for divorce

I work and could pay for everything .

We are in England. I know there is more to it than just making him leave but I cant live with him anymore. There is absolutely no way that I could file for divorce whilst still living with him. He would make my life unbearable i know he would.
I want us to separate first then divorce. We have a declaration of trust he gets 20% , but I dont even care if he gets 50% i just want him to leave. Like I said if it wasn't for the kids id be gone and will do so if this carries on until they are older , but currently they are here meaning I am stuck. I cant walk away from them and they dont want to live with him, they can't stand him either

I think you have 2 choices:

A very serious conversation that directly asks him to leave and says that you will be instructing solicitors tomorrow

You get a rental for you and kids and wait until finances are sorted and you buy him out of his share of the house then move back in

Il going through this now op and it is hellish and my husband won’t leave. He says he will leave when he has the buy out money at a time of his choosing.

you can buy him out and make it a term and condition of the buy out that he moves out and leaves all keys etc and once that is signed off legally you will be free of him on your house.

this is what I am planning to do. Have you gotten a valuation on the house yet? Have you spoken to your mortgage company about the buy out? You can do those things straight away.

There is no other option if he isn’t abusive.

The only option is to ask him to leave - make it sound appealing to him if you can. You can’t make him leave / evict him.

I would get a consultation with a solicitor as if he isn’t a legal owner of the property it may be that you can put it up for sale without his consent?

Either way you’re going to need to file for divorce while living with him as you’d want to get a consent order agreed by the court re: splitting assets before the sale.

Given that it’s not a 100% straightforward situation I would spend the money to have an hour’s consultation. I’ve just booked one with Stowe and it’s £492 and can be done via VC or in person.

Legal advice is what you need.

If you have the available money could you set him up with a rental property while your house is sold. Men like him won't do anything if it needs effort so wondering if handing him his new life on a plate might appeal to him.

I couldnt afford to rent somewhere. We own it outright, no mortgage so our outgoings are much lower. I can afford to run this house, or sell this and downsize . But not rent.
I've already done things behind the scenes, I've seen a solicitor, I've had the house valued, im all ready to start, I just cant live with him for what could be another 12 months, i dont think i could survive it. It's having a huge impact on my health and mental health as it is. If he could go to his parents or somewhere that would remove the tension in the home and enable me to look forward

If you can’t afford to rent then you are going to have to start proceedings whilst he is living at the property.

@FuzzyWolf I knoelw that's the solution but that's why I wrote this post as I just cant do that. It will destroy what little health and mental health i have left. I am not strong enough to divorce him whilst still living together.
It would be absolutely unbearable to live with him during that, I cant put the kids through it . I would be a complete wreck. If I felt strong or there was some anger in me to push me forward (if he had cheated for example/I wish he would) i could do it but I am destroyed, I am a shell of my former self and dont feel strong enough to cope with that so I just keep plodding on as we are getting more and more depressed and unhappy

Have some counselling for yourself which will help build up some strength and resilience c

The trouble is OP, realistically you will be living with him for the next year regardless. At least if you initiate divorce, at the end of that year it would be all over.

OP there is no golden somution to your predicament.

i would suggest accepting, as very hard as it is, that you will be in for a very difficult year but that after that you will be FREE.

if you do nothing, absolutely nothing will change and you will still be in this same situation in another year.

You dont say in what way he will make your life intolerable but please remember, emotional abuse is still domestic abuse and if he starts with that you may then have grounds for an occupation order whilst divorce is going through.

Start the divorce proceedings and you will feel so much better knowing that the ball is rolling. If he starts getting worse towards you apply for an occupation order. The priority for the courts will be housing the children and if they want to stay with you, he’ll have to go.

But he won't leave and I dont understand why?

Because he doesn't want to pay rent/mortgage.

When you say the house is yours, do you mean you owned it outright before you met? Is it solely in your name? With a pre nup?

Or do you mean you have paid off the mortgage together and it's in both names? Or it's in your name but you're married so it'll be shared.

Also, remember OP.

A declaration of trust doesn't mean much in a family court/divorce case.

They are frequently challenged and the division of assets/equity can be changed by the court.

So don't make any plans regarding what you think you will receive from that declaration.

I know you say he's not abusive, but are you sure there's not some kind of coercion going on?

Have a good look at this:
Using the Power and Control Wheel to Understand Abuse | Criminal Injuries Helpline https://share.google/FNSfQKVs7JtVbZIfz

The declaration of trust pretty much is meaningless on marriage
thevoroperty might be held as 80:20 but upon divorce either party could be made to give up some of that in order to reach a fair settlement based on principles of divorce

you’ll need to start divorce proceedings and reach a settlement. He can’t be made to leave unwilling unless you get an occupation order - but tie that there would need to be serious abuse etc in order to be successful

Any serious article using the phrase "male privilege" should not be taken seriously.

The OP is asking for advice, legal guidance, not playground politics and sexist drivel.

It says male privilege being asserted “marginalises the victim [enforces a skewed power dynamic]”. The article is supportive to victims of abuse!

The Power and Control Wheel is used by Women's Aid in the UK. I googled to find an example and this was one of the first that came up. The principles in it are very sound and we went through it as part of a training course I attended on how to recognise domestic abuse.

One of the most powerful things I came away with is how everyone thinks of abuse as physical, but in fact the most damaging to survivors is the more subtle, insidious behaviour.

And male privilege is real.

Now, go back to reading the Daily Mail.

The sooner you set the divorce in motion the sooner he will be out of your hair, you are just delaying the inevitable, get some counselling to help support yourself but do it now before Christmas, just do it.

He probably is abusive if you fear how he'd behave over the next year. Start the divorce and try to get him out as an abuser or stay, you dont seem to have another choice, unless you fancy a mushroom dinner and a spell in prison.

The house- my dad bought the house for me /us /the children. We were already married so declaration of trust came after marriage, dont know if that means anything.
His behaviour- i think me starting divorce proceedings will trigger bad behaviour from him which i dont want to be around.
Examples of things I think he would do... withhold all finances so im struggling (he has more), stop paying towards the bills , stop talking to me completely, refuse to help with the kids leaving me completely stuck fitting everything around my working hours , refuse to engage with the divorce proceedings intentionally causing hold ups. He also knows about some family secrets and I expect he would tell people about those . Things like that