Is it unusual for the mother to move out of the family home?

[BloodyHellKenn]

Just wondering what everyone’s options are. Is it very unusual for the Mother to be the one to leave the family home and the Dad stays? (Shared custody) From what I read on here and generally it is usually the Father that is the one to move out.

BIL stayed and had custody of his DC. His ex had fallen pregnant with her affair partner's child .

Hopefully you will be fine, try not to worry 💗 My mum had an affair so that's why we didn't go

I moved out. Best thing I could gave done. I have no regrets

I originally stayed for 2 years (I have the kids 75/80% of the time) and was manging the mortgage. But when it came to sorting the actual divorce my exH was financially abusive and starved me and the kids out of the home, and he moved back in with his new pregnant girlfriend. At the time I was distraught but actually it was the best thing in the end for me and people judged him, certainly not me. (Its been hard on the kids seeing his new GF is my room, my office etc to for them to be kicked out of their rooms to make.way for their new sibling though)

I am currently buying a place and STBxH is staying put and buying me out (mostly, I will still have a small share of the equity if he does ever sell as he can't afford to buy me out fully).
We both work, I want to live in a different more central location so this is my opportunity for change, we want stability for DD, so it works.

A Mum from school who divorced in the last couple of years also moved out and bought a new place.

I think if both parents work, and the women isn't the lower earner, 50/50 custody becomes the default and women intiate the majority of divorces, then I can't see why it won't become common for the women to be the one to move.

It's what happened with my DH and his ex.

There is no 'normal' here. Plus you say it is rented so the chances of it remaining the family home forever are unlikely.

There was no way I could afford to stay in the marital home when I divorced years ago. My ex husband bought me out and I bought a much smaller house for me and DS which was more convenient for us as it was near town and the marital home was out in the sticks.
I had full custody of DS as the court deemed him unfit to look after DS because of his mental state and psychiatric problems.
Shortly afterwards he sold up and went abroad (to avoid CMS) and wasted, gambled all the money away. Ended up with nothing.
I could have fought for a bigger share of the home but I just needed to get out, he was extremely unpredictable and I didn't feel either of us were safe around him.

You can't win OP! I moved out - cost me a fortune TBH as he ended up giving me a very low price on the house, but there was a limit to how much I could fight everything.

The house was too tied up with unhappy memories for me. In the end he sold it anyway to buy somewhere larger - which the children were gutted about - but I couldn't ever afford it on my own.

People will judge you, yes. But the only people whose opinion really matters are your children.

I don’t think it matters so much when it’s rented. If you own the family home I’d always advise a woman not to leave it though.

I’m sorry to hear that. That must have been very tough. I left due to my husband’s behaviour towards me and emotional abuse/verbal abuse.

My ex worried about this when he left as I kept the family home. It’s been completely fine and they view both as home and did very quickly.

I understand worrying about people judging you, but honestly, the days of mothers staying in a huge family home while the blokes took a flat are long gone. Firstly, decent dads should want a home with them for their children too and that’s the starting point. And secondly, house prices and cost of living mean that for many many people, it’s just not doable to run the two income family home on a single income. Or stretch a single income to two houses.

If you had abandoned your kids for a fancy man and life of partying in Ibiza, I’d judge. But you’re not, you’re a woman navigating your way through something that happens to more people than it doesn’t and for the vast majority of people, doing that involves compromises.

You’ve got this OP. Come back in a year and tell us how well you’re doing.

Have the children moved with you? I'd see it as odd if you left them. Otherwise, why should you not move out, no stigma as far as I know.

I would only judge you if you moved far away.

You are living local and see the kids 50/50 which doesn’t raise any eyebrows tbh.

My mum moved out of the family home cos she had an affair and my dad guilt-tripped her into leaving. This was the 90s.

Are you the lady with the ASD son? You can’t be second guessing yourself. He may have outmanoeuvred you, but that isn’t your fault. It’s because he’s an abusive arsehole who puts winning above the needs of his children.

You can’t only do what you can, and he’s a prize manipulator. It isn’t your fault. Just do the best you can now, and keep working for your dc.

Thank you 💕

Me and my ex sold ours and split the proceeds to fund new houses. I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and neither could he.

DP stayed in the family home and bought out the ex. Has caused issues as the ex is still emotionally connected to the house and gets upset over any changes to the house. Recently decided to move in together so it's being sold, she was very upset and has needed time in the house to say goodbye properly.

Selling / both moving helped me to move on and create distance. I dont think I would have wanted to stay in the house if I could have afforded it.

I moved out, had the kids full time for several months, now still the majority. But we had to leave due to dad being abusive. It was for the best. Everyone is surprised when they hear we moved in with my mum, and he stayed in the jointly owned property that I still own half of despite it being 19 months since we left.
Best decision. We should have left sooner, it's been tough but we were instantly happier!

That's what I did, years ago now. Ex refused to leave so I had to. I got massively judged for it, ex is very manipulative and managed to alienate me from several family members. We had 50/50 care of kids, who thankfully were fine. It was insanely hard work countering the bad press and giving them a good upbringing in spite of it all.
Now the ones who judged me want to be friends with me again, having seen ex for what he is, but I can never forgive them for falling for ex's nonsense and joining in with the pile on.
I know a couple of mums who have also left. If you have to, you have to. Someone has to after all. It is the hardest option in my view but it did work out well for me in the end.

I moved out. The family home just wasn't affordable for me on my own. I wanted the finances sorted and to move on, so he bought me out. Meant I could buy somewhere affordable.

I've never felt judged about it, but did worry about the kids seeing my place as the small, crap house. However they both say that although his is a bigger house, mine is a home

Glad it’s all worked out for you. I’m envious of that. My oldest keeps saying “it’s not my house” It’s hard 😔 All I can do is give him time.

I went a step further - I moved out and also (after a lot of soul searching) allowed my ex to have custody whilst we shared care of the children 50/50. I had a decent salary and he was chronically unemployed; post-separation he relied on housing benefit to keep a home of sufficient size to have our children spend half their time there while I was in a different situation.

He used it against me at every opportunity, and I'm sure people did judge, but many years later all of our children either live with me full time or spend the majority of their time with me. They all know why I made the decision I did, and in hindsight I don't think I'd make the same decision again, but it worked out for me.

It really depends on individual circumstances. I'd probably be the one to move out if we separated.
I could afford to pay the mortgage for a period of time whilst also renting somewhere else ( although I wouldn't like it) . Dp could not. It would just be until the house was sold though. I'd want my equity out of the house to put towards buying another house.
There is no right or wrong with it, people have to do what will work best.

I moved out of the family home as he was emotionally abusive and I knew he wouldn’t do it. We had 5 children together. 3 children came with me, but 2 wanted to stay, they were 13 and 15 at the time. So I felt it would have been wrong to force them to come with me. I stayed in the same town and it’s a 15 min walk between our houses.

That’s similar to what I’ve had to do. He was emotionally abusive too and would never have left without a fight. I felt like I had be the one to leave. Youngest is mostly with me and the teen has decided to stay which is hard.