Ex threatening court (again) because I hired a nanny

[Bananagram24]

Lengthy court process concluded last year with almost 50/50 with DS11 with me slightly more. ExH pays CMS-ordered maintenance and emails me frequently about how unfair it is, how my extra costs are nothing, how greedy I am etc. (For context, he refuses to pay for any school costs, clothes, clubs, hobbies etc, and the maintenance doesn’t touch the sides.) I have a new job and DS will have a nanny for an hour some mornings so I can commute and so he doesn’t have to go to breakfast club (he’s said this is what he wants): DS will also go to after-school clubs most days whilst I travel back. I will continue to take him to hobbies etc in the evenings, as we currently do.
ExH has emailed today to say he is taking me back to court for full custody of DS as my work hours mean I am unable to take proper care of him. This has really rattled me - I self-represented through the last court process (ExH had endless solicitors, barristers etc) and although I technically “won” the case it was a hideous experience. ExH was controlling and abusive when we were together, and DS has raised previous safeguarding concerns about him too (resulting in SS involvement and S7 report, now concluded). I am desperate to avoid court and further CAFCASS / SS involvement - what can I do? Would a court look negatively on me for using paid childcare? I have no local family and no partner to help, and this is the only way I can work. DS has SEN so not as independent as some 11 year olds, hence the need for nanny etc.

He sounds ridiculous. How much contact does he currently have?

Id start reducing the amount of contact you have with him also, you shouldn’t have to have all this complaining. I’d start telling him that emails that don’t have a specific point will just be deleted and not read.

A nanny, childminder, after school clubs are in total normal things. He clearly just doesn’t want to pay for his son.

Would a court look negatively on me for using paid childcare?

If they did, that's millions of parents up and down the land that they'd also look negatively on. I can't imagine he'll get anywhere with this. I'm so sorry this man is still able to be so abusive - the process really is the punishment isn't it. I know it seems like an age but soon your DS will be old enough that you hopefully will never have to deal with your ex ever again

Thank you so much for replying - the court process was so awful and long-winded that I think I’ve lost all sense of normality.

Would a court look negatively on me for using paid childcare?

No.

Grey rock him and don't let him see that you're rattled. If he wants to waste money, he can.

I agree with the others. Using paid for child care will not count against you. There seems to have been no change of relevant circumstances since the last order was made. If he does apply to court you need to ask for a s91(14) direction that limits his ability to apply to court in the future. This would be akin to harassment by litigation.

Thank you for your messages - it really does help. The irony is that we already have a S91 order which expires in about six months, suggested by the judge at the last hearing. SS made a big thing of “parental acrimony” but the judge found it to be entirely one-sided, and said so (to my relief). ExH has said several times that as soon as the order expires he will take me back to court. Mostly I can manage to be OK with it all as it is so ridiculous, but it does get me down on occasion. Thanks for the responses; it’s so good to have a reality and sanity check

your DS is coming to an age where his feelings are taken into account, so he will be wasting his time and money if it’s not what your DS wants.

Will DS be 12 when the order expires? What school year will he be in?
Don't panic. He won't need childcare for long anyway and up to that point you're perfectly within your rights to use childcare as you see fit. He's a bully and a twat and the court will see that.

Does he have some magical job where he won’t need to use any childcare?

I wouldn’t even bother answering. Can you imagine how many people would be in court if childcare was a crime. I’m a SN parent too. Having a nanny in his home and a really good thing. It keeps his routine and he’s in his own space. You are doing nothing wrong. I’ve been in your shoes right down to the self representing and it has such a profound effect on you. Don’t let him rattle you. I’d just totally ignore him. The court will not change the order for that. They just won’t. They will see a parent doing the right thing by their child. What your ex wants is total control over your life. Don’t let him have it. Just as an aside, if he were to have your child full time, I presume he’d be giving up work etc. I doubt it. Keep going 💐

If he did get full custody (not going to happen) how will he manage without childcare? He's an abusive revengeful idiot isn't he.

Sadly the only winners in all this are the solicitors and barristers, counting their hefty fees.

You need to use a court approved app like AppClose which is free. Tell him that’s to be the only method of contact between you from now on. Ignore or block him any other routes. Ignore anything other than legal documents you have to reply to. Get a door camera.

Do you have any contact with social care disabled children team or early help (not for safeguarding but for short breaks etc). I’ve always been under this team and it was helpful when ex was being difficult as there were lots of parent carer assessments and social worker visits where zero concerns about my parenting were made. Plus you may get some funding towards childcare. You are also entitled to a carers assessment. They were fairly useless until I was a single parent but then stepped up as it’s obviously in the councils interests I don’t burnout.

This.

Please don't let your knob of an ex rattle you. Most families rely on some form of childcare, and the courts understand that.

Is he likely to actually go through with it? Agree with others, limit contact. If he emails you stuff like this don’t even respond. Just ignore.

I also agree with @BigCityGet an app, there are a few, make sure it’s court approved (because the messages can be used as evidence) and tell him that is your only mode of communication from now on. Block him on everything else. Take the control away from him. He will kick his toys out of the pram but so what 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you for all of your kind comments and advice, which I am taking on board. DS will be 11 when the order expires, and says he is happy with things the way they are. He does not know about the financial side of things, and I do not criticise ExH to him, ever (a courtesy which is sadly not reciprocated) - DS is well aware that ExH does not like me.

ExH has plenty of family locally and uses them for childcare whenever he needs to, but he views this as very different to a paid nanny. He did a very good wounded father performance to the social worker after the safeguarding disclosures about him, and she completely fell for it and accused me of trying to alienate him, even when DS made the disclosures at school and not to me - luckily the judge disagreed (and, if I say so myself, I did a good job in the final hearing cross-examining both her and ExH, and maintaining my own composure under cross-examination from his expensive London barrister). However I am still very disturbed by the whole experience and struggle with knowing what is a “normal” response to ExH’s many accusations and demands. The court process was so awful and I dread having to go through it again, but I also cannot live in fear of it the whole time. I am grateful to everyone who has replied - it is so helpful.

I have now had a message from a mediation service saying that ExH has contacted them so we can start mediation about “child issues”. No further context given. I replied saying we already have had had a lengthy court process, a Final Hearing, a child arrangements order and a financial consent order, all within the last year. They have responded saying that they can’t give me any more detail, and that I should consider contacting ExH if I want to know what the issues are. I can just now ignore this, can’t I? This feels like bullying through litigation, especially as there is a bar on returning to court at present anyway. Tempted to email ExH, but I know that’s what he wants. Ffs.

Mediation is good as he’s clearly not a reasonable person and this will show this.
There is no process that will berate you for having childcare for an hour a day. He is just wasting everyone’s time again.

Hi OP

I am so sorry that your ex is such a revengeful abusive arse. You are absolutely brilliant - representing yourself in court in the face of all that intimidation (teams of lawyers etc) was SO BRAVE!!

I think you should consider paying for a session or two with a really good family law solicitor now - I know it costs, but for the sake of several hundred pounds I think it would be worth it, so that you know exactly where you stand legally, and also whether you can ignore certain things like the latest comms from the mediation service. I’d honestly find a solicitor asap. It will save you a lot of angst in the long run.

i would just decline on the basis there has been no significant change in circumstances since the last court hearing and nothing to discuss. Citizens advice may be able help you word it. There’s no compromise to be mediated on. You are entitled to organise your life how you want.

I think you should speak to school / after school club about what is going on and I would probably put a tracker in your child’s coat or school bag. It’s possible he may collect them.

perhaps he realises the timing is against him and he’s engineering an opportunity to control you. If it hadn’t been childcare it may have been something else. My ex is like this we disagreed about one thing and I offered a compromise and instead of accepting this which was reasonable and solved the issue (at my cost) he threw his toys out the pram and seized on it as opportunity to show i was unreasonable and obstructing his choices as a parent etc etc It was very obvious he didn’t care about the original issue it was just an opportunity to create a narrative. I bet even if you quit work and became a sahm he would find another avenue to attack you. I hope you have some support eg other Sen mums or family. It’s really important to have people to be able to reinforce it’s not you being unreasonable when he succeeds in making you doubt yourself.

Again, thank you all for the messages. A couple of responses:

@MrsEmmelinePankhurst I have in the past paid for formal legal advice and do have an excellent and very sensible solicitor should I need it. However, I just can’t afford to get this advice every time ExH goes off down a new avenue of trying to control me, sadly. This is similar to the last time he wanted mediation, but the childcare “reason” this time has thrown me enough to seek clarity on forums such as this. I know there is no substitute for “proper” legal advice, but I am so grateful for everyone’s advice and for sharing their experiences.

@BigCity when you say “timing is against him”, do you mean because DS is getting old enough to express a preference and be listened to? Or something else? I have replied to the mediator as per your advice, and received a confirmation of receipt of the email and nothing more. Hopefully that’s it for now, but tbh, I doubt it… Thank you for sharing your experiences - it means a lot

If I were you I would put the whole scenario into ChatGPT and ask for advice. It's obviously not lawyer but may be helpful.

@Bananagram24Glad you’ve told them to go away. I would have done the same. There is nothing to discuss and certainly not childcare arrangements in your time. As an aside I’d be also informing the mediator that this is an extension of his attempt to coercively control. They must make note of that and you will have a paper trail.

Please get an app so that you have an official recording of his ongoing attempt to control. It is really important should he decide to go back to court. You’ve done nothing wrong and he sounds like an absolute nightmare. Don’t hesitate to report harassment to police too.

Well done you I’m in awe. Any tips for cross examination?