Ex threatening court (again) because I hired a nanny

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Lengthy court process concluded last year with almost 50/50 with DS11 with me slightly more. ExH pays CMS-ordered maintenance and emails me frequently about how unfair it is, how my extra costs are nothing, how greedy I am etc. (For context, he refuses to pay for any school costs, clothes, clubs, hobbies etc, and the maintenance doesn’t touch the sides.) I have a new job and DS will have a nanny for an hour some mornings so I can commute and so he doesn’t have to go to breakfast club (he’s said this is what he wants): DS will also go to after-school clubs most days whilst I travel back. I will continue to take him to hobbies etc in the evenings, as we currently do.
ExH has emailed today to say he is taking me back to court for full custody of DS as my work hours mean I am unable to take proper care of him. This has really rattled me - I self-represented through the last court process (ExH had endless solicitors, barristers etc) and although I technically “won” the case it was a hideous experience. ExH was controlling and abusive when we were together, and DS has raised previous safeguarding concerns about him too (resulting in SS involvement and S7 report, now concluded). I am desperate to avoid court and further CAFCASS / SS involvement - what can I do? Would a court look negatively on me for using paid childcare? I have no local family and no partner to help, and this is the only way I can work. DS has SEN so not as independent as some 11 year olds, hence the need for nanny etc.

1. Download AppClose
2. Message him that you will be communicating via that from now on
3. Block him on all other channels
4. Keep evidence of his harassment
5. Book mediation around the nanny issue

Go from there

His court application would be frivolous and could lead to a barring order as he is using the court process to harass you.

I absolutely disagree with booking mediation. There is a final order. It is pointless and dangerous to mediate with an abuser. It just gives them an “official” channel to continue their abuse. There is nothing to discuss in terms of OP making childcare arrangements while the child is with her. Offering to comply with his demands for unnecessary mediation will simply encourage him to continue on. He’s best ignored.

I don't disagree and thank you for the correction. I suppose then, let him take you to court. OP has done nothing wrong.

Thank you everyone. Having politely declined mediation, I don’t intend to engage with him further. I am logging all issues of harassment and will look into the app ASAP. I will come back and update the thread should there be any further developments, and remain very grateful for such sage advice and support

If there's already a finding of one-sided acrimony against him, AND a s.91(14) order in place and his intention is to go straight back to court the moment it expires, the court will not be particularly impressed.

Most judges also have children, and tend to have very little time for parents who say that using childcare is neglectful 😁

Absolutely. I have bitter experience of this. For most normal people the idea of thrashing stuff out in mediation is a good thing and for the most part, it is. Not in this case though. He’s not bothered at all about his son, he just wants an access channel to continue to berate/control OP. Also a good mediator would immediately issue a certificate to say it’s not suitable if they had listened to the OP.

You’re almost 50/50 but he pays for nothing? He should be paying for everything on his time, clothes, school fees, everything

I’d be putting a stop to that as a first point!

An update, for those who kindly posted their advice and experience: ExH has written to me to say that spending more time with him is in DS’s best interests as he can spend more time with him, and that he proposes our schedule changes with immediate effect. He wants full details of our nanny (which I have already offered) and a full, detailed schedule of what DS will be doing (after school care etc), each day, when he is “currently” with me. The letter sounds like it comes from a solicitor but I think on re-reading it has been run through Chat GPT or similar as it sounds legal but a bit clunky. ExH has said that he required a response within 7 days or sooner. It is very tiresome.

I’d ignore it - it’s nothing to do with him how your DS spends his time when he is with you. The more you engage, the more he will push back.

Email back
“no”.

what’s he going to do? Go back to court again? That’s his only option, and as you said it was just all done in last year.

he’s trying to go 50:50 to stop paying child support.

You don’t have to reply to him at all. I also wouldn’t hand over the nanny details or schedule right now. I know you are reluctant to get advice from your solicitor but I really think that would be the best option.

At 11 your ds’ wishes will be taken into account

Thanks all. I think I will contact my solicitor now, as many of you have said

Instead of putting him in breakfast club, like many, many parent (me for one!), you've considered your child's wants and also his additional needs and hired a one to one so he can remain in the comfort of his own home for what is in effect a breakfast club.

You're fine! Don't worry. You've got this. Stop responding. I know that is hard, but you've informed him, he doesn't get to decide how you manage your time.