Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Children not allowed to my house

27 replies

Boobec90 · 28/08/2025 06:29

I need some advice on childcare arrangements. My partners ex isn’t allowing him to bring his children to our home. They have been through mediation but that has been stopped by his ex as she doesn’t think it’s working.
When he goes to collect the children he’s told he is only allowed to take them to his mums. Most of the time they refuse to go with him and his mum has to collect. They had a positive relationship before the break up. He is seeking legal advice but obviously that’s going to take ages.
it’s very obvious to see that she is saying negative things to the children about their dad as the things they come out with are not age appropriate at all. Children are 6 and 4 years old.
He is afraid that she will cut contact if he brings them here, although we both know he doesn’t need permission. She has done this before. She uses the children’s mental health and reflects her own emotions onto them.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 06:38

So he should just take his children to his Mums and keep the family he created happy. If you love this man and want to support him, you will do what is best for him in the long term. That means helping him have a good relationship with his children, encouraging him to take his kids to his Mums and stepping back so that the actual parents can do the best for their children instead of themselves. Children don’t need step families but they do need stable parents who treat each other with respect and consideration. The children will cope with their parents being separated better if one of them doesn’t do something that the other finds upsetting. New relationships are irrelevant to them.

mistys7thwonder · 28/08/2025 06:41

How long has he been separated and how long have you been together. ?

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 28/08/2025 06:43

You need to step back. Let the parents deal with it.

FirstdatesFred · 28/08/2025 06:49

I think it depends a bit on the tjme lines.

How long ago did they separate? I.e. are the kids still adjusting.

How long was it between them separating/him moving out and him moving in with you?

Sadly, of course separating can affect his relationship with the kids and he needs to tread carefully and build it up.

There should not be parental alienation and she shouldn't be projecting onto the kids but there is a chance that yes, it would be better for them not to be brought to a new partners house for now.

Mumofoneandone · 28/08/2025 06:51

Possibly get SS involved, as there is concerning behaviour by the ex. It also establishes that your partners new home is safe for the children to be in.
She's stopped mediation for whatever reason, so your partner needs to pursue other avenues to ensure he can still see his children.
Apply for emergency court proceedings to establish contact.

BlueandPinkSwan · 28/08/2025 07:04

This is a bit knee jerk, OP hasn't been back to answer questions yet which might help give different answers.Ex might be the worst m in the world but then again might not be.
Was OP the OW, how long did they break up? Who left who?
A bit more context is required first.

Clawdes · 28/08/2025 07:08

He needs to go to court and formalise access. They’re only young and don’t get to decide. Once he has a court ordered contact schedule he can take them where he wants in that time.

You need to go to mediation before a court order but that’s already done so nothing stopping him. It’s only a few hundred pounds.

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 07:14

Completely disagree with many of the above

its not up to his his to dictate what he can and can’t do. He needs to take control and take it to court asap. Parental alienation happens a d his ex is doing it based in what you say

he needs to start the ball rolling asap

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 07:15

@CopperWhite completely disagree. It’s not up to mum to control and dictate

TheCurious0range · 28/08/2025 07:22

I know a colleague in a similar situation, she insists on the DC going to his mum's, but it's because the exh and new P both smoke and in the house (even when they say they don't the children come back reeking of smoke and the 4b year old says they do smoke inside and it makes her cough) , one of the young children is asthmatic and gets recurrent croup, paternal grandparents don't allow smoking inside. That's not the story you'd hear from him and his new girlfriend though. He refuses, sees them less and posts all over FB about how sad face he is that his children are being kept from him, yet one was in hospital the other week and he was too tired to drive and either see the one in hospital or watch the one who wasn't.

More information is needed, how long have you been together, is the relationship stable, what rationale is mum giving for not wanting them at your joint home, who else is there pets your children? Hard to say who is being a problem without more detail.

Anonymous23456 · 28/08/2025 07:36

It sounds like you are your partner live together. How long have you been together? Realistically, his ex can't dictate where he takes the kids or with who. However, I'd be really concerned if you've been together for less than a year. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who would priorities his what's or his kids emotional wellbeing and needs.

When the kids do start spending time with yu be warned that some men offload the kids onto the new partner. Don't become the nanny with a fanny. His kids are his responsibility. Let him be the parent and take a step back. Also, don't do every activity with them. When someone is nurturing, which women are encouraged to be, it's easy to fall into that caregiver role.

BookArt55 · 28/08/2025 07:44

Ex doesn't actually get a say in this. Dad needs to get it to court ASAP, as above it doesn't cost that much to self represent and thr longer he leaves it the worse it could get.
Personally I would take them to his mum's and build those positive relationships with the kids. That should be the focus. Discuss everything else in court so the kids aren't in the middle.

andanotherproblem · 28/08/2025 08:02

I don’t agree with some of the pp’s. He needs to get a child arrangement order, process will be faster as he’s already tried mediation which is a requirement. Parents can’t dictate what the other does during their contact time. Unless she has a valid reason such as abuse or neglect, the courts will not rule in her favour. It’s bitter and jealousy, nothing more.

CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 08:26

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 07:15

@CopperWhite completely disagree. It’s not up to mum to control and dictate

She is considering the feelings of her children, who may well still be getting used to the fact that Mummy and Daddy don’t live together anymore, and really don’t need to be introduced to the new partner. They are still very young, and if the mother is hurting, that will affect them. She is human and is strongly connected to her children who she cares for the vast majority of the time alone so actually, I think she is entitled to feelings about where they go and who they spend time with.

Ultimately, you are right. A parent with parental responsibility does have the right to do what they want where they want and with who they want on their time with their children, but that doesn’t automatically mean that they always choose to do what is best for their children. Often they don’t, and it’s ok for the children’s other parent to be upset about that without being accused of alienation or other ridiculous things. There are some crazy exes, but there are more who just want what’s best for their children.

Dontcallmescarface · 28/08/2025 08:51

There are some crazy exes, but there are more who just want what’s best for their children

I agree, but what's best for the children is having 2 parents that can keep their personal differences aside and not "power play". The mother could ask for the DC's not to go to OP's hose just yet, but she cannot demand it and then imply that the dad will no longer be able to see his children should if he goes against her ruling. The parents should be trying to reach a compromise....that's what's best for their children.

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 09:16

She’s not considering her children. She’s trying to exert control and power. Anyone thinking about their children do not do this and alienate the other parent.

CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 09:58

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 09:16

She’s not considering her children. She’s trying to exert control and power. Anyone thinking about their children do not do this and alienate the other parent.

Where do you get the idea that she’s alienating the other parent? She’s happy for her children to see their father, but for some reason she would prefer him to be supported in parenting by his mother rather than his new partner for now. Considering the ages of the children, that they are more willing to spend time with their dad when their granny is about and that there is no actual benefit to them in being introduced to a new partner, my assumption is that the mothers reasons are valid. A father who wants to work towards co parenting in the best interests of his children will respect that their mother is a human with emotions, as are they, and sometimes life transitions are difficult and emotional.

Maybe the children have resisted visiting their father because they have witnessed her being upset because of him, and there is only so much she can do to hide that when she is mostly parenting alone. We don’t know.

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 12:14

I’m taking the op post at face value where she states the children are coming out with things not age appropriate

it’s not up to mum to state what and where the children go with their dad. That’s the point. He’s an equal and can decide where to take them, what to do and how and where he sees them. Mum has no more rights to that at all. Dad is an equal parent with equal rights as mum.

Meadowfinch · 28/08/2025 12:51

How long have you & he been together, OP ?

Does your home have appropriate facilities for the children - their own bedroom, beds etc?

Is there anything specific she objects to apart from your presence?

Best to leave it to the parents to sort out between themselves. He can apply to the court for regularised access if he wants to. Perhaps he doesn't regard the current situation as an issue.

CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 12:51

Yes, but parents rights aren’t really what matters. The emotional state of the children is what all the adults in this situation should be prioritising, and they are likely to get more enjoyment and feel more secure by spending time with Daddy and granny rather than Daddy and new lady.

BIWI · 28/08/2025 12:55

Ah. Your partner has also posted this on Dadsnet. And as I said there, we need to know more. What would the ex’s side of the story be? Why are the children only allowed to his mum’s house? What’s really been going on?

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2025 13:00

@CopperWhite you don’t know that at all

and regardless, it’s up to dad to decide who and when he introduces his children to.

cestlavielife · 28/08/2025 13:05

Kids are young
No issue them spending time with dad and granny
Maybe it s better fir dc to see dad and granny together and presumably dad can take the m out to park etc from there
For now play along it s dad s visit with his dc not yours
In six months review and take to court if needed

Meadowfinch · 28/08/2025 13:34

OP, I was unhappy about my small ds going to my ex's house with his new woman.

My reasons were

  • they had a dog that would bite (ds ended up in A&E)
  • the new woman kept presenting food that ds wouldn't eat
  • ex kept leaving ds with new unknown-to-ds woman
  • house did not have a bed for DS
  • house was in poor state of repair, upstairs windows painted shut (fire risk)
  • new woman's standards of hygiene were not great
  • her driving record was terrifying

Look at it from the mum's point of view and think about how you can allay her worries.