I cant wrap my head around this

[DivorceSurvival1989]

So my husband of 11 years today, been together nearly 21 years decided on the 19th of may to end our marriage. It was out of the blue, I had no idea it was coming, fast forward to a short 4 days later and I see messages on his phone saying I love you so much and his reply I love you. To now a few weeks ago he told our daughter (13) that he had a new girlfriend etc and low and behold its the same lady he told he loved 4 days after ending our marriage and who he had been talking to for months. But he says he didnt leave me for her, but for reasonings of he didnt feel wanted or loved and we didnt do enough for each other.
Im heartbroken and he's moving on with the person he emotionally cheated on me with.
I am seeing a therapist, cry every day, feel numb etc and he's just off living life without a care in the world, he's hardly seen the kids and I've done everything so he could still have them etc whilst he was looking for a place to live but he chose not to cause it would be to hard to be here, but it doesnt matter im stuck in our home raising our children with all the good memories and then of the memories where I find out he's cheating, he's left me and its ok im left in that. My poor kids have seen me breakdown everyday since he left and my 3 year old even asks mummy why are you sad again and I just get more sad for the fact he's having to ask me that.
I have no idea what's going in in his head as he hardly talks to me, turns it all back into it being a we problem, but he wanted out he cheated and said it wasnt a overnight decision, but I was still good enough to sleep with, do his washing, cook his dinner, check up on him, he still told me he loved me all whilst talking to this other women. I just feel stupid the night he told me it was over, I stood in our kitchen and begged him not to go, for us to work it out and he just told me to stop begging and its all about my feelings etc, I just think it blew up in his face and he realised that how he thought it was, wasnt it at all. And the fact I see the messages on his phone when he fell asleep and when I woke him to find out what the hell was going on he said they were just close friends and he said it was said in a supportive way, so even after 20 years he thought id be stupid enough to believe that to which, he then eventually acknowledged that he emotionally cheated but not physically and said to him its two totally different things etc but he wouldnt of told me if I didnt see them and now there together but he tells me he didnt leave me for her. But took all of 4 days to tell her he loves her after ending our marriage but he said its not like that cause it happened after he ended our marriage etc

Sorry for the rambling, just needed to get it off my chest, hoping someone can help me cause I feel like im going crazy, he won't really talk about anything you would think he was the injured party and he cant understand why 3 of his children have said they dont want to meet this women, they said its to soon and he had no conversation with me about how or when to tell them and our children are still trying to wrap their heads around us not being together and he's more worried what they've said about this new women and saying people are getting to them, but even after everything my family have been really good, said he's your dad its best to sit down and talk to him, I've told them you dont have to meet her until your ready etc putting my feelings aside to focus solely on my children's hearts and feelings but he isn't thinking of anyone but himself he even said that he's putting himself first

Sorry carried on rambling again but my mind is at 100mph and this goes through my head all day every day our conversations on repeat, how do you do that to someone after 20 years, walks away like its nothing and like he's done nothing wrong.... I am so angry at him, but mostly hurt and the worst I cant hate him I still love him

Look at posts on here that mention “The Script”. This is all bullshit he’s spinning to justify being a lying, cheating POS

So sorry to read this OP. Unfortunately it's very unlikely that he only emotionally cheated, or that he didn't say he loved the OW until after his marriage ended. I'd be amazed if he hasn't been having a physical affair with her.

It's shocking that he's made little effort with his DC since this happened. What a pathetic excuse for a dad.

It's early days for you but you will feel better eventually. It takes time.

He begged me not to stop him from seeing the kids and I haven't, I even offered to leave my house so he could have them here and id stay somewhere else but he didnt take me up on that cause of memories and he didnt want to confuse the kids. He doesnt respond to anything I send to him to just get clarity on everything and talk it through like adults but will message when he feels like it.

He left me for her but doesnt see it like that and tells me its not true.

Its hard as weve been together since I was 16, he's all I've ever known and even after everything I still love him and miss him

I’m sorry op. He was cheating behind your back and doesn’t want to look the bad guy (mine did the same). Your marriage is over, it’s time to focus on the future. Take some time if you need it, to reflect, to think, and to find your anger. He’s behaved appallingly. Things will get better.

Make sure you tell everyone. Don’t protect his reputation with friends and family. He will not afford you the same courtesy. He will already be slagging you off behind your back to justify his affair.

1. His focus is entirely on new woman.
2. He will refuse to admit to anything that makes him look bad
3. He is no longer on your side
4. You need to put yourself and the children first. Formalise visiting arrangements and maintenance.
5. Why on earth do you say you love him? Look up hysterical bonding.
6. You will get over this.
7. In the long run you’ll likely be better off than him. Affair relationships are built on excitement and lies and often don’t survive. You have self respect and the children. Keep that self respect by recognising he is an immoral shit and crap father and not good enough for you.

I do wish you all the best. Keep posting and you’ll find the women here are very supportive and full of practical advice. Looking forward to your update when you find your rage when you call his bluff on his pretence of wanting to be a good dad.

Now is the time to focus on yourself 100%.

It doesn’t matter why he left, what stupid decisions he is making, even whether he is being a good dad. Your responsibility towards him ended when the relationship did.

Instead focus on yourself. Eat something you enjoy every day, do something you enjoy every day. Reconnect with some old friends, invite your family over for dinner. Do something you’ve always wanted to and never had the chance.

Now is your time for you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, too. It absolutely sucks, but the sad fact is it's depressingly common, please come and join us on https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future

Mine did similar. Our split apparently wasn't anything to do with his exciting new lady friend, but because I'm so awful. No discussion, no compromise, just he's out, told DC immediately. Refused to fuck off mind you, so I've been living with him for a year, my new place nearly sorted. Hopefully easier for you because he's physically gone too.

You will have bad days and better days and awful days and delightful days, and eventually it'll even out. All you can do is ride the wave, be nice to yourself and remember he's no longer on your side. It's such a mind fuck to go from your H/P being your best friend to a vicious whining stranger, you have my utmost sympathy.

I would recommend thinking/muttering "fuck you, Dave" (insert ex H name) a lot, reminding yourself of the downsides of your relationship (giving yourself the ick about him helps), and getting counselling. Also lean on friends. My friends have saved me, it's been wonderful reconnecting with them and with myself.

He’s a lying cheating scumbag who doesn’t want people to think he’s a lying cheating scumbag, so he lies and lies some more and believes his own lies.

Everyone asks me how do I still love him and I've known nothing else weve been together since I was 16, he was also my best friend. Nothing is easy at the moment and I begged him to stay before I see the messages to the other women. I am hurt and the fact he cant see what he's done to me or the kids as wrong its just turned back to we, we stopped trying etc but I told him if he had looked up from his phone long enough he would of seen that I never stopped trying and this is all on him but he's adamant he hasnt left me for her but he's with her now so think thats the definition of leaving your wife for your skanky bit on the side.
Rage comes and goes but I always have my kids back. He told them that shes a human being with feelings when they were expressing theres I told them to hang up then later that night completely lost my shit at him, whenever he says I wouldnt let them disrespect you like they are him and I said you just disrespected them when you said to your children that she is a human being.

I have no friends but I do have a great family, and my kids are awesome even when they drive me nuts.

I guess its just the adjustment of the unknown and mourning what I thought our life would be like and who he was. As he was never like this in the whole 20 years but just changed out the blue and through this grenade into mine and my kids life then walked away like it was nothing

Sending you hugs 🥰

Hugs @DivorceSurvival1989 .

This bit resonated with me: "he cant see what he's done to me or the kids as wrong". My ex appeared to genuinely think it was totally fine to:
a. have an emotional affair,
b. to split up with me one evening after 20+ years, no discussion,
c. tell everyone including dc immediately and
d. start dating his emotional affair partner while we still lived together.

Apparently it was unreasonable of me and others to be upset.

Reading other people's stories on here helped me realise what a sad male cliche it is. They see themselves as "good men", so the only way they can excuse their crappy behaviour is by blaming us. And the behaviour switch is extraordinary, one day a commited partner, the next with someone else. One friend described it as like her ex had been possessed by aliens - still looked like the same person but was acting like an absolute loon.

It's very hard, but you will eventually get to a place where you pity your ex for the emotional moron he is. What sad half arsed lives they lead where they have to lie to themselves and others to do what they want! Take care xx

Sorry op but this is a pretty common pattern. Even if they haven’t got another woman lined up that’s what they are looking for. My ex (27 years together) said he wanted “different things” turns out the “different thing” got bored of a middle aged man pretty quickly.

@DivorceSurvival1989
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your story sounds almost identical to mine! Together 17 years, married for almost 10, he decides to leave me and our two children. 9 days later (I had access to his emails) he made contact with a girl he works with (10 years younger) and then a week after that he went on a date with her. He lied. Didn’t admit to being on a date until he tripped himself up.
same old, I didn’t feel loved, we neglected each other blah blah blah.
i spent months crying to everyone I met-nurses, doctors, a car salesman, work colleagues! I was a mess. Nearly 5 months on and it still haunts me every single day. I have made progress, a massive amount, but the shock of him doing that to our little family and choosing someone he barely knows over us will never ever leave me. His words: ‘I had to do what was right for me’. Selfish. Unforgivable.

You will have an awful few months, the pain will feel
like no other, but I promise, things will get better.

Sending you a hug x

Your story is almost identical to mine @DivorceSurvival1989 , except my kids were all high school age when he left.

As PP have said, you are getting The Script. There’s not a single bit of truth in it, it’s just the story he’s been telling and his affair partner for months so they can both feel justified in the shitty way they’ve been acting.

So please didn’t think it’s your fault , it’s not. This is all on him, he’s a lying cheating selfish scumbag. I know you still love him and I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but that’s who he is.

Please stop trying to contact him about the kids. If he wants to see then, he knows how to contact you.

please see a solicitor and get some emotional support for your self, so you can stay stable and well for your kids.

This is horrific and horrible and intensely unfair, I would be seething with anger and I really feel for you.

I would say this is the worst bit (or probably when he told you was/ you found the messages) so honestly even though it’ll still be very hard there will slowly be better parts of days. Just try to get through one hour at a time.
I read a study which showed when couple split up in middle age, short term the men do better (due to quickly hooking up with someone new probably 🙄) but longer term it was overwhelmingly the women who fared best in terms of both health and happiness. I KNOW it will not feel like this now, but this might well be the start of a positive new chapter which you’ll look back on with relief in years to come. Sending strength to you in this incredibly horrible time. 💕

So I asked him last night to send me his new address he asked why I told him so I could file for divorce all I got back was I did not expect that.

He then answered a few more of my questions then asked how messy is this going to get

I honestly don't know this man anymore we are meeting on Wednesday at a park to talk about the kids and when he will have them etc

I feel like I'm going to wake up from a nightmare soon

I'm really sorry OP.

These men all follow The Script.

The next thing will be him seeing the children less and less, then the announcement of the OW's pregnancy.

Let's hope not cause he told me that he only had the last 2 of our children to save our relationship and he was done with having children.

And that was the worst thing I could of heard

Oh and has said I used him to have children, told him I could of gone to a sperm bank and done it on my own if that's all I wanted from him

Sweetheart I'm very sorry indeed.

Mine went from wanting the children every weekend to not bothering about them.

The first OW got pregnant, then had a TOP - so he moved on to another OW.

She had his baby about sixteen months after he left me.

Don't cover for him. Tell everyone that he's left you for an affair partner.

When it all falls apart for him, don't have him back.

This all just sucks
I still love him, and think that's the hardest
I don't understand why I do after what he did and the fact he doesn't give a shit. And still is saying it was both of us who gave you etc like that justify his cheating and now being with her. I told him if he had looked up from his phone he would of seen me trying for our marriage but it's him who wanted out

Your story is very similar to mine. Its been over 2 years now for me. Despite moving in with the OW woman straight away, I initiated the divorce. He was too gutless. Despite still living with OW, he has asked to come back 3 times. I now see him for the weak pathetic person he really is. It was so so hard for the first 6 months. I cried constantly. After a year I had took the kids away on my own and navigated some really difficult situations. I dated a bit but realised the last thing I need is another man. My friends and family are amazing. I have redecorated my whole house which is now in my name only. I have travelled with the kids. I am fitter and less stressed as dont have to deal with fitting my life around him. I do lovely things when he has the kids. Im starting to volunteer. I work full time and life is busy and it makes me angry that he has this much easier life, but I see a counsellor so I dont end up resentful. It will get better. Just dont drop your guard. I have said to him several times that we are not friends as if someone treated me the way he did, I would never see them again. We are co parents and that is what we communicate about.

Some books to read - they are really helpful

Helen Thorn - Get divorced, be happy
Rosie Green - how to heal a broken heart
Tracy Schorn - leave a cheater, gain a life

Dont accept anything less than you deserve. He will use your feelings to try and manipulate you. The man you loved is gone - grieve that. This man in front of you is a stranger you dont know. Treat him as such. It will get better.

Of course he's blaming you too!

They all do. It's ridiculous, the way they all follow The Script.

It's just to make himself feel less guilty, the arsehole.

Thankyou, I'll take a look for the book suggestions

He hasn't seen the kids since Saturday last week as he's been ill, the older 2 barely talk to him, my 8 year old is so confused and told my sisters he's worried about me and then my 3 year old is just oblivious to what's going on although the other day he did ask where daddy was and when's daddy home which was hard.

I'm so used to defending his behaviour with he's tired and stressed from work, it's his loss etc but the more I think about it the more I realise he hasn't really been there for me in such a long time he says he has but he didn't even notice I hadn't showered after having our 4th child was in the middle of post natal depression and anxiety amongst health conditions I already had playing up, it took my sister to tell him why he hasn't made me shower, how didn't he notice, my auntie called him to come home from work to help me, he came home and fell asleep, and I know I deserved better then that, but for some reason I can't stop loving him, does that ever go away