Losing your post-divorce virginity: I need your stories!

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

SO.

I got together with my soon to be ex husband quite young (first term of uni!), and have only ever had sex with ONE MAN in the last decade and a half.

Thought it would be fun to ask you lot what losing your post-divorce virginity was like.

Especially if you’re a big nerd like me and had only ever been with one person pre-divorce/split.

Looking for disaster stories. Oddly endearing and sweet stories. Cautionary tales. Reassuring tales. Tales you could NEVER tell anyone in real life.

Fundamentally I need reassurance but felt like this could also be funny.

Nothing that offends my eyes and the community guidelines though please I’m very delicate right now 🙏🏻

Bumping this as I am heading towards a newly single life too…

I knew I shouldn’t have posted in the middle of the night 😂

I’m in this situation too. Had one partner before I met my now ex husband. Feels like I’m starting again!

At 29 I moved back to London from a remote Scottish village after I separated from ex-P and after a fairly glum evening over a bottle of wine with an old friend who was probably eager for me to not be such glum company forevermore, took his advice and joined some dating apps. I wasn’t looking for a relationship: the last thing I wanted for a good few years after my separation was to jump straight back in and settle down. So I just explored. I went on a lot of dates, with both men and women. And because it was mostly about casual sex, and I wasn’t trying to put my best foot forward as you often are when you’d like a first date to turn into a relationship, I had the courage to be forthright and honest about what I liked and didn’t like; and the courage to ask partners what they liked - I learned to be a better sexual partner. Some of them became ongoing FWBs. Some invited me to kink parties; I dressed up, had threesomes, had sex in front of people. Had you suggested to me in my early twenties before I met ex-P that I’d even consider any of that, I’d have laughed in your face.

Fond story credit to my friend Ty. I still remember his Tinder tagline: “I travel all over the world with work and drinking alone in the hotel bar gets old after a bit. Looking to share tall tales and long cocktails with cool locals. NB this is not code for a hookup or ONS.” Well, I absolutely assumed it was code for a hookup or ONS. (He maintains it really wasn’t!) We had a fantastic evening laughing and talking and sharing tall tales, and some great sex; repeated it again when he was back in London a fortnight later. I flew out to visit him in NYC a couple of weeks after that, and we just continued on in that vein. He remains an excellent friend (with some benefits) to this day, though he travels less than he did, we meet up a handful of times a year in London or NYC.

I first met now-DH a couple of years into all of this and we dated casually whilst still seeing other people for about four years. I genuinely credit all the learning and exploration I did about myself, the great people I met, the great sex I learned to have, and the more open minded approach I took to relationships as the groundwork for why we’re so good together.

I’m not suggesting you have threesomes or public sex or fly out to meet near-strangers in NYC (unless you want to) but rather take the time to explore and enjoy yourself and be open minded about what you do and who you do it with. Speak up about what turns you on, and stop being on your best behaviour in case it scares someone off. When you’re not looking for your next relationship and thus approaching every OLD profile and first date with a fairly rigid list of sensible requirements you want in a partner, you’ll meet some interesting, clever, funny, sexy, warm, curious people who you’d possibly not consider settling down with but who are awesome to know and a lot of fun to have sex with. Some of them may turn out to have longevity in your life.

I LOVE this advice thank you so much. The open-mindedness is so important, especially in the context of having a huge red flag list now, because of everything that happened in the marriage.

and you know what, the pressure really is off now. I’ve already got everything I needed a man for - my two beautiful children - so there’s no time pressure or biological clock (eugh) ticking away. I don’t have to meet someone perfect. It’s about having fun - and as you said, only if I want to.

It really does! Last time I was single for a sustained period I was a teenager, so there was that toxic cocktail of nobody being particularly experienced, and everything being judged against impossible standards (porn) which I suspect isn’t the case when you’re grown ups - unless the person you’re having sex with is dealing with some serious arrested development! Lots to catch up on here. Plus online dating was basically Plenty Of Fish and that was it!

I love reading these because I genuinely never want to love with, sleep with (and if I could get away with it talk too) another man again!!

My friend has got some great stories. As she says: first you feel like I do, then comes the love honey order and then the hook ups start!

I feel you! Do not need a man impinging on my freedom right now - but am I curious? Absolutely 😂

It’s very freeing. You also get really good at recognising your boundaries and what doesn’t make you happy and saying no to things as well as yes - because you aren’t afraid of “throwing away something which might be good” and not finding anything half as good again: if you’re actively seeking out your next life partner, really want to settle down, want children etc, I think many women put up with a lot more stuff they aren’t thrilled with because it took a lot of effort finding someone who even met two thirds of the tick boxes on their list for an ideal partner and they don’t want to risk ending it and having to go right back to the beginning again with somebody new.

If you’re not rigidly looking for anything or trying to tick a list, and aren’t investing emotionally from the off, the red flags become much clearer and much easier to wave goodbye to. You also evaluate people more as they are and not as you are, when you aren’t invested - and often find nice surprises about them, and you, and things you’d previously thought you had a very fixed opinion on.

I always knew my ex and I were not compatible jn the bedroom but thought it was my fault. Turns out it wasnt.
I did what someone else above said. Met a few people, bought new underwear and outfits and toys. Have met some great people. And have a couple of not so great stories (my particular favourite, finding out someone had a mummy fetish....).
But it is freeing.
Now Im content being single, but if Mr absolutely Right comes along, bring it on!!

No advice at all, although I think I’ll be in the same position soon, but love your username 😁

Completely agree with this. I was with my exH from the age of 19, although he wasn't my first sexual partner but I was hardly experienced.
We separated 6 years ago and I am having the best sex of my life. There is something very freeing about knowing yourself better and being more confident in yourself. I have no qualms saying what I don't like or don't want to do whereas with my exH I felt like I had to lots of stuff to keep him happy.
My advice is to be confident in yourself and to enjoy it!

I was similar to you and only slept with my ExH from university age till when we divorced (mid 30s) I took a year out where I genuinely didn't want a man/sex at all and then after that I was 'back'

Initially I thought I didn't really like sex that much, but it turns out I just didn't like sex with my ExH! Since I've left him I've slept with 5 people, some as one night things and others more longer term.

I have to admit I enjoy sex a lot more now, I've got a lot more confidence in what I like. I think what really helped was that the first guy who I slept with after was really caring and we were able to take the time to work out what we both liked.

I've also learnt to enjoy sex for sex sake, had some great sex with a friend with benefits for a while. And had some one night things with blokes who I wouldn't necessarily date but they were nice enough and the sex was good. Also ended up having sex with a guy with piercings (plural!) down there!

Don't get me wrong, its not all been great sex, but cause I've not been looking for a relationship or in a rush for anything there's been no pressure. I've also been quite picky, one guy was a terrible kisser and groped me like a teenager on our first date, so I knew the sex wouldn't be great so didn't see him again.

I've honestly really enjoyed it all, and feel like Ive 'found myself' again rather than being a shadow of myself post split.

Mine was a bit of a disaster! I was always terrible with women so wasn't massively experienced when I got married. After I split with my soon to be ex wife (after 20+ years), it took about 6 - 8 months to meet someone. Surprisingly, she seemed to like me but was a bit younger than me. She's gorgeous, funny, intelligent and I was thrilled when it came to having sex for the first time. But, it just never happened - massive performance anxiety, worry about being any good, what does she see in me etc etc. Which is weird as I'm pretty confident in all other areas of my life. All a massive disaster but she was great throughout. We just kind of muddled through and after each failed attempt, had a bit of a laugh, talked about where each of us was, what each of us liked and it just got better from there.

For some reason she stuck around and now we have the most amazing sex life - just because we're really comfortable with each other, knows what each of us likes, and it's fun. I'm not sure what would happen were I to attempt it with someone new, but I don't really have plans for that!

I hope it goes well for you! Openness, kindness and communication are key (but I suppose everyone knows that)!

I separated from my husband of 20+ years 2 years ago. I dated fairly actively before marriage so no lack of experience.

The first time was a little nerve wracking, with a friend and colleague who was also recently separated. It was complicated emotionally but the sex was electric and we are still good friends.

Then I met my amazing partner, he’s several years younger than me and hot and gorgeous and incredibly sweet.

Life after can be very exciting and rewarding!

Love that it was a disaster but your partner was so patient and kind with you. I’d call that a massive win! And exactly one of the heartwarming stories I was hoping for. Thank you 🙏🏻

This is great to hear thank you! I’ve definitely started looking at people at work in a slightly different way 👀 although they say “don’t s**t where you eat” and I’m far too immature to deal with any fallout of a one night stand (or worse, the utter humiliation of falling in love). Did you both stay in the job in the end if you’re still good friends?

I split from my H in my 40s. I’d only ever been with my H. (Waited for marriage 🤔 decided not to do that again!). Similar to pp, I never felt fully ‘free’ or confident with XH. Thought it was me but I realised it was part of a bigger dynamic in the marriage.
I went on a few dates. One guy with potential and some spark and I remember thinking ‘Wow, I’d forgotten how great it is just to snog someone!’ 😆 That didn’t pan out (too messy with his ex). A little while later I met DP. It was instant sparks with us. 2 1/2 years later still fancy the pants off him! He’d been with his wife for over a decade too so I did say I didn’t want to rush into bed together (date 4) and assured him the first one is a freebie to get your form back! Neither of us had had sex for over a year. First time was a bit strange, but it’s like riding a bike 😉 No honestly, within a couple of days it was amazing and has been. Not sure if it’s the relationship, how he is with me or my maturity and new found confidence but it’s so very different in a good way. He makes me feel gorgeous and I’m really happy.
You may have to kiss a few frogs 🐸 but you can regale your friends with hilarious photos of possible matches and dating stories in the mean time!

This is me! Met ExH at 19 and divorced last year at 53. My only sexual partner 🤦‍♀️

Am utterly terried at the thought of sex with someone else especially with a menopausal mum body

This is so lovely! Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Part of me feels scared of the “kissing a few frogs” part and can’t be bothered with it - but lots of these stories end in “and then I met my DP and am really happy” so I guess it’s part of the process!

Just spent the weekend with him and I’m stoll
always sad to see him go! I said to him ‘I never expected to meet someone who is the “full package”’. My hopes for dating were not for some amazing passionate love, but someone who was lovely and kind and made me happy…what I got was that, but also someone who really understands me, supports and encourages me and with amazing chemistry too! Wasn’t
expecting that!

Oh wow! Can only hope I meet someone like that

I’m having the best sex of my life with the partner I met one year after leaving my exH.

Just have fun, stay safe and don’t overthink it

@ComtesseDeSpairmy goodness that went from 0 to 100 real fast. Good on you!

Even if I had any libido to speak of I can’t bear the thought of getting my pale, flabby and overweight mum bod naked in front of a stranger. Never thought I’d have to worry about that again. So I’m thinking I will probably never have sex again. Taking vows and becoming a nun could be a good option but unfortunately I don’t believe in god.

I was desperate to have sex on my terms so I slept with someone who had fancied me a good while. Contacted him and let him wangle his way round. Unfortunately I became pregnant which I didn't realise would be possible. I had restarted the pill but it didn't seem to work.

I've since gone off men and instead am focusing on my children. I'm a lot happier and don't think I'll ever have sex again. It's strange and liberating.