Positive examples of co parenting

[Boudiccabitch]

Hi, husband and I are having real difficulties as a couple. We always have had to work at it and in a lot of ways we're incompatible. We still can get on in some ways. We have two young children.
Sometimes I think that we could split and be friends. Do after school dinners, holidays, Christmas and birthdays as a family.
I want to know if this is doable or completely unrealistic. I know people get new partners and this can make things difficult.
All opinions and examples welcome.

It’s definitely possible to have a good and positive coparenting relationship, I have friends who have amazing ones, but it does take a lot of conscious effort on both sides to do that, and what you are proposing isn’t realistic.

As you say yourself one or both of you could meet someone else and suddenly family dinners, family birthdays/Christmas/holidays isn’t happening and really nor should it. You can be good coparents without having to be one big happy family- that is sort of the point of separating. You can both be good parents, and be respectful of each other, without having to be together.

@Mrsttcno1 thank you. The thing is we really enjoy time as a family so we wouldn't want to lose that. The only thing that puts it in jeopardy is other partners, but is that a reason for it to finish? Is it totally unrealistic to want that to continue. I don't know what the rules could be around new partners but I like to think that we could have strict rules for a longer time about protecting family time or continuing it until we could come to some arrangement that works for all. Maybe new partners would have to accept that family holidays etc will always happen.

It is totally unrealistic yes. Presumably neither of you want to be alone forever, nor should you, and life is for living- things change, families look different, trying to shoehorn new partners etc into an existing arrangement isn’t going to be nice for anyone and just simply won’t work.

Separating means exactly that, both being the best parents you can- separately.

You can’t control this unfortunately, you can’t come up with strict rules and enforce them- even if you decide you would enforce these rules on any new partners you have, and he could agree to do the same, he could meet a lovely woman 2 months later and immediately back out of the whole thing because lets be real, how many people would be happy with their partner going on holidays etc with their ex? I’d say none. Then you’re stuck and disappointed. You need to be realistic. You’re separating which means you’re not a family anymore in that traditional sense, you’re 2 families, you may one day end up with step parents etc and things will change again. That’s life, once you decide to separate you lose control of that and that’s okay.

Hi I tried to do this with my ex. It worked for a while, although the lack of boundaries between each other became a problem, and when we had a massive fallout, it stopped being possible (his family cut me off etc). However, despite being through the worst, we still co-parent in a way we keep our DC absolutely the priority, very easy going about plans and keep each other informed about everything to do with DC (moods, quirks, diet, everything). I find that the weirdest issue with departed parents - not discussing how their child actually is doing/what they’ve been up to? As for partners, only one of us has had a new partner and they are fairly cool with the relationship… sometimes a bit miffed at how often we talk, but I feel that’s their issue, don’t be with someone who has a problem with it

I briefly dated a man who had a great co-parenting relationship with his ex. They lived two streets apart, and had a contact schedule in place, but the DC were free to choose if they’d rather be with one parent than the other on a particular day (work schedules permitting), and could easily walk between their homes to collect something, and each parent would sometimes host the other for family dinners or for a DC’s birthday. But they lived very much separate lives and weren’t trying to shoehorn one big happy family with family occasions into their separation, it was very much about anything they did as a family happening spontaneously.

Ultimately if the reasons you’re divorcing are because you’re incompatible in many ways and have always had to work at things, this isn’t likely to change post divorce, and you’ll still have to deal with the incompatibilities and try to make things work where you disagree for holidays and family Christmas etc. That’s not going to be a positive experience for the DC. As with the above example, I think it’s certainly possible to have a really amicable co-parenting relationship where you might sometimes spontaneously decide to go for dinner together, or on a joint day trip if you were each thinking of taking the DC separately - but far less realistic to have a very rigid expectation that you were going to continue family holidays and Christmas and trips and have that expectation central to the arrangement.

@Mrsttcno1 thanks for this. And yes that's exactly what will happen, a lack of control. I'm not at all controlling but obviously you run the house and family the way you want and if you split you don't get that say anymore. Do you think even Christmas/birthdays couldn't be shared as a family?

I think a lot of people successfully parallel parent once the emotions from splitting settle down. By parallel parent I mean each parent do their own thing and don’t slag off the other parent. Co-parent is more collaborative. Personally I wasn’t going to babysit him through being a dad after the split (reminding him about parents evening etc) so we became parallel parents. He’s a competent dad so I didn’t have to worry about him being nasty or endangering the kids like some do on here.

I think that family dinners etc are unusual post divorce though and the dynamic inevitably changes when new partners come along and the couple want time together too. If the new couple have children too then things become even more complicated because leaving one child at home to go and see another isn’t a great feeling for the child at home or the parent. Ex and I not having further kids definitely kept things a lot simpler for everyone.

My ex travelled to see my kids on their birthdays so the kids saw both parents on their special day but not together. Even though he left me for another woman I definitely didn’t want to get involved in drama with his gf by having family time which could give the children false hope about the parents reuniting and not accepting new partners as a result.

Would you not each actually like to make your own new birthday and Christmas traditions and experiences with your DC? The idea of that obviously seems daunting now, right at the beginning of your separation when you’ve no template for how it might look or work - but once you’re no longer living together and are in the routine of sharing childcare and building your new lives, I suspect it will evolve from there.

@AnotherNaCha thanks, I'm glad you've found balance. I think yes I would not be with a partner that isn't t ok with it, but I can't control what would happen with him. I also have faith that his parents would still see me as they want to be involved as much as possible.
Why did the in laws cut you off? Were they nice in the first place? Can I ask how you and your ex split the time?

Absolutely you can. We split up when dd was 8, 20 years ago.

My advice would be that the non resident parents spends time with the children and not just going to their home. No contact with new partners for many years and even then spending lots of time without them

i said I would never have another man living in my house whilst she was under 18.

Both always put the children first.

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you for this positive example. It's really nice to hear.
I think the ways in which we are incompatible wouldn't include the co family stuff. We are both loyal, committed and fair. And we both strive for the best possible life and would also want to make sure we don't fall into the usual split family stereotypes.

Not really no because again, where does that go?

Say he meets a lovely woman, dates etc, they will want to spend Christmas or a birthday together- Maybe with her family, maybe they’ll have a child together and so they’ll want to spend Christmas as THEIR family. That’s a really normal part of separating and moving on. You can’t expect things to stay frozen in time so that you still get your family Christmas because families change.

@Snorlaxo thanks for sharing. I believe I would also be the main parent to organise things, but I believe he would collaborate too.
Have your children ever shared any feelings about the split? And how old were they when you did if you don't mind me asking

@ComtesseDeSpair possibly it would evolve from the original idea. But I like our family time together. As with many families, I, the mum creates the celebration. He joins in as a family member, I would want that to stay. I like him, I just don't think we're good for each other in a relationship.

@RuthW thanks so much for this. Did your ex agree? Please could you tell me how it happened and what time you shared as a family? Any difficulties along the way? Did you or your partner find anyone new and how did that go?
I think I'd want to see any new partners as boyfriends/girlfriends to enjoy time with and not someone to set up life with. That's something I don't think I'd want. But as said before maybe this would change for the dad and you don't have any control over that.

Ok. Test this one out.

He moves out and sets up a new home. Similar to yours but his home. Are you ok to go there for Christmas diner maybe with his family and relatives?

For birthdays does he get to decide what is booked and to arrange the event with you as a guest?

For that matter given everything is equal in your world are you the one willing to move out and make a new home elsewhere for you and the children ?

What you are suggesting is not co parenting. It is allowing the other parent to be a guest in your children’s lives. Which would be awful for them even if he wanted it.

If you are incompatible you should split. The terms of that split will need to be mutually agreed. Setting up two new homes is expensive and leads to change. He will want to do things his way and you will want to do things your way in your own homes.

One of the positive things about divorce is not having to organise things around the other person and compromise.

Ok, thanks for your perspective.
I understand what you're saying. I think I'd not want him to be a guest, I think I'd just want to maintain a similar level of ease in the family home. I'd like the children to feel that we're still a family, not completely separate but just different.
I mostly want them to feel comfortable and like we're still a team
I think he would want to have an input on Christmas sometimes. I think I'd be willing to do Christmas at his too. I'd collaborate. I like his family. We already negotiate what to do and where to be and make it fair for both families.
We'd always have to compromise anyway because we have children together. But we would have our own free time too sometimes and not be a couple.

I think mediation or separation counselling would be a great first step for you both to hash out your feelings and your honest opinions about how you see your lives going after divorce in a calm setting. There’s a lot in your posts about what you want, and a lot about you thinking your ex would be happy to go along with what you wanted. What you need is to establish whether that’s in any way by talking openly with some external guidance to help you consider the realities.

Your latter posts about maintaining a similar level of ease in the family home seem to indicate that what you’re envisaging is that your life won’t actually change very much: you’ll get to stay in the family home whilst he moves out and you continue to “create” the family to your desires with him “joining in.” Neither of these are realistic. If you’re going to be genuine co-parents then you each need a home of a similar standing so the children feel they have two genuine homes and so that each of you feel you are equal - not you in the big “real” home and him in a small flat somewhere. Once you’re divorced and he has the freedom to dictate his own choices and lifestyle, he may well not want to be a “joiner in” to your “creator” - and rightly so, when you’re no longer in a relationship which requires a lot of compromise, you each get to exercise agency. I think you need to be prepared for his view of things to be somewhat different to what you envisage.

This won’t work long term if you get new partners. It’s not fair on them either.

it worked for me short term but after a while it was just causing too much grief for all concerned and looking back it wasn’t the right thing to do.

My ex met someone within 6 months and I did within a year. It just wasn’t feasible yet we still had a good coparenting relationship and this was 25 years ago. We still get on now and I am friends with his wife as we now have a grandchild and are all involved. She is lovely .

You can also be sending mixed messages to the children. How old are they?

Unfortunately I am not a good example of positive coparenting. However I have a colleague whose husband cheated on her and is still with the woman. They coparent really well. She talks to the girlfriend and her husband, they recently all went out for dinner for one of the kid's birthdays. Hats of to her, she has really had to prioritise the kids and put them above her own feelings. Over a year later and she is now at peace with it.

Another friend, 25 years ago, her husband told her he was gay and had cheated on her. He went back to his home country and left her in England with a hefty mortgage and 3 kids under 10. She really struggled, in the divorce she gave up lots of things to keep the peace which put her financially in a horrible place, and never received CMS as he wasn't in the UK.

Now, her and her husband are very good friends with her ex husband and his partner. They all go out the four of them. They do things with the three kids, their partners and the grandkids. Her point of view was she sacrificed alot to keep the peace, so that when he did return to England to see the kids she was always pleasant and supportive even though it killed her.

Now I obviously don't know the men's side in these situations. But from the two women I can say that both have had to bite their tongue, accept they can't control everything, and when new partners came into the picture it definitely changed rhe dynamics. Most people aren't going to be okay with having to be so close to your ex.

Honestly, I think spending every Christmas, birthday, having family time... I don't think it will always be that way. I think new boundaries need to be put in place, not just for the adults, but so that the kids understand their parents aren't together and won't be getting back together.

But I think it is amazing when two people coparent and their kids come first. That was my wish so I understand why you would want it.

It can be done but isn’t always possible it seems. Most separated couples I know are able to be civil to each other but still do plenty of moaning about each other and would avoid being in the same room.

I know one couple however who have made an excellent job of coparenting as friends. One of them went on to get married and have more children, the other has remained single. But one of them was present at the other’s 50th birthday celebration recently. They spent a fair bit of the evening talking to each other very amicably and having a good laugh. The ex also gets on well with the newer spouse. All three of them have been involved in raising the child and they’ve made a superb job of it IMO.

To be fair, the couple in question were young when they had the baby and weren’t together for that long so maybe that has made it ‘easier’ for them. I really admire them for it though.

Thanks for this. Can I ask why it was hard on all involved? Did you still manage to have any times as a family after you decided to change things a bit? I'm so glad that things have worked out for you all 🙏
My children are 2 and 6

Thanks for this. Can I ask why it didn't happen that way for you?
And yes I appreciate that any rw situation would be ard to swallow if it wasn't the way you wanted it. But reading this makes me truly understand that you'd have to make sure you were lovely to any new partner, even if you didn't really feel that. Just so you can keep everyone close. Mothers sacrifice a lot for the happiness of their children.

Can I also ask why such strict boundaries around family time are important? Like surely if you explain Daddy and I aren't married anymore but we still love each other, we're still good friends and we're still a family, but just a different one. I don't understand why that would be so tricky for them if you kept repeating that.

This is amazing. Is there any other reasons of why you believe this has worked so well? And I'm guessing that the children weren't so confused by the idea that their parents can be friends still?