School children

[ILikePizza2025]

Hi, I’m reaching out from across the pond, and I wanted to share some insights regarding divorce issues. I have a child starting school this year, and the school only allows vehicle transportation for drop-off and pick-up.

I’m proposing the following custody schedule to my ex:

• *Week 1*: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday
• *Week 2*: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday

It costs $150 to file with the court here, and I will be paying another $150 to ensure the documents are filled out correctly, so I plan to start that process in September. For now, I have a loose custody schedule in hopes that my ex will agree and cooperate.

My main concern is the school drop-off and pick-up. My ex hasn’t shared her work schedule with me, and I have no idea when she is working. If we both have to work the same day and my ex has the children, that could prevent my child from attending school. I’m considering keeping my child an extra night and having a family member drop them off at school. This way, my ex will have to inform me of her work status. If she isn't working, she can pick up our child from school. If she is working, she’ll need to let me know, so my family member can pick the child up, and then my ex can retrieve the children after work.

I could drop off my youngest child the evening before my ex's scheduled time, but I’m hesitant because I’m not comfortable with her family member watching my child if my ex is at work.

If my ex were more cooperative, I would prefer a week-on, week-off arrangement. I would also be more inclined to agree to this schedule if she could guarantee that the children wouldn’t experience any physical punishment, be exposed to sexual or violent movies or shows, or be subjected to swearing.

Do you have any insights or advice on this situation?

None of your business how she gets them to school on her days. The schedule works around the children, not work schedules. If she’s working she will have to get someone else to drop them or pick them up, same as you.

You sound controlling and unreasonable. Agree the days and that’s it.

I beg to differ. I mean my ex has no one to transport the children to the school. Not controlling doing what's in the best interest of the child. If my child misses six days at the school in a year they are kicked out.

How do you know your ex hasn’t got anyone to transport the kids to school or can’t do it herself given you don’t know her work schedule?
If there are specific relatives you believe pose a safeguarding threat to your child then I believe you can ask for them to be kept away or supervised when you start the legal process.
But it sounds from what you’ve said that you simply prefer your relative to watch your child not your ex’s relative?
And your ex does not need to inform you about her work.

Isn't this a rerun of a thread about two weeks ago?

In that thread, posters made it clear that one partner has no right to know where the other is working, no right to know their shift rota and no right to judge how they get their child to school, as long as the child gets there.

Agree 50:50 split, set days and then leave your ex to enjoy their time with their child, as you can on the other days. To do otherwise is intrusive and controlling, and a British court would agree.

I’ve just realised this is the same poster too - & there is another thread by him up too which makes no sense at all but is also quite intrusive and controlling.

You were told you were unreasonable on your last post.
You can't withhold children for a hypothetical issue of the kids won't be taken to school, when you have no evidence of this.
You need to plan around the kids, not workschedules.
Again, you get no say in what your ex does. Make a plan then leave a lone and focus on your own life and the time you have with your kids.
So glad I don't have to deal wjth you, you sound unbearable. Time to reflect on what you can control- your behaviours and choices.

Ex and I both work 12 to 16 hr shifts 3 to 4 days a week. My ex only has a family member who leaves the kids in dirty diapers, smokes in the house, and falls asleep watching them. The youngest now has a medical condition because my ex doesn't them around too much.

OP what are you expecting from this thread that you didn't get from your last one? Several posters advised you that you either need to get firm evidence that there is a safeguarding risk to your children or start to build bridges to coparent effectively.

You have no right to know your ex work schedule not how she gets the children to school - if she doesn't get them to school then you can take it back to court. You are trying to control the situation when realistically you can't.

I know it's just frustrating. I communicate with my ex, and I feel I should stop communicating. Because communication gets me nowhere. I tell my ex working these days, have the kids these days, and so forth. Then I tell my ex that I made appointments for the kids these days, and she changes them. Then doesn't discuss extracurriculars or school stuff with me. Feel communication is pointless at this point.

You do your days. Ex does hers. No need for further explanation. Why would ex working mean the kids don’t go to school, who would have them? Have they missed school due to ex not being able to take them?
just stick to agreed days.

Requiring vehicular dropoff/pick up at a school would be illegal in the uk. It's hugely unethical to require people to use a less environmentally sustainable mode of transport and also exclusionary of lower income people. Very sad that the USA is so utterly divorced from reasonable ethical principles that a school is allowed to do this.

Is this a public school or a private one and was it chosen before or after the decision to divorce? A school that has rules that make a reasonable schedule for residency with both parents to be viable is probably not in the children's best interests

A schedule that has the childen swapping homes every single day is not in their best interests. A schedule where they don't see their other parent for a full weekat a time is not in their best interests either.

I think the two of you need some independently facilitated mediation talks to listen to each other and work out what is actually in your children's best interests. The outcome should not be what is most convenient and satisfying for you @ILikePizza2025 - you do not get to decide what would be best, even with consulting us on this thread. The children's needs for stability safety, and seeing both parents frequently, are more important than the convenience of either parent and more important than a school choice that is making a more rational parental contact schedule impractical.

Sounds like you tell her how it's going to be and arrange things for her to be doing - you can't do that. Set the days to a fixed schedule - you clearly don't have a relationship where you can work around each other's shifts - and you'll just have to cope. Ditto appoointments/extra curriculars - ideally you will book them on your time - it's fair for her to move them if you book them into her time.

You have no evidence that your ex caused the medical condition, if you did you would have used it by now. So drop this. Mudslinging like this isn't helping your coparenting relationship, and it definitely isn't helping you children.
If there is a safeguarding risk then get evidence and report correctly.
Spend your energy on a positive time with your kids rather than dictating to your ex.
Read the advice above and follow it, for the sake of your kids!!

Get someone to read your communications and see how you can improve it to get her to listen - you could even try chatGPT to see how you could soften it so she'll communicate back. You can't keep doing what you're doing as it's not getting anywhere at the moment.

Try and focus on your relationship with your children, give them love and stability for the time they are with you if you don't feel they are getting at mums.

I tried communicating a budget for five years with my ex. Used Excel, family to mediate, documents, presentations, pie charts, text, email, one-on-one conversations, and so forth, kept saying she never understood it. Communication was on her time, and if it was not communicated on her time, you couldn't know when we were married.

I don't. It was my ex who changed the appointment I made. Made the appointment in advance so my ex and I could go for our child's well checkup together. Never said can go together. It was far enough that we could manipulate our work schedules to be off that day. After I told my ex she rescheduled the appointment the next day to a day only she could go and not me. Long story short the PCP or GP thought our child needed some therapy for muscle strength. After the visit, I talked to the PCP, and from our conversation, they still think therapy is necessary, but were less concerned as my child reached milestones with me .

Tell her because communication and negotiation go nowhere. When married I ask and try to work things out. My ex would take 4 to 8 weeks at times to make decisions. After a while, I just started making the decisions after a few days.

You need to change the way you’ve and communicate. You can’t keep using the same tone over and over again. It clearly isn’t working. You can’t change the other person so you change.

Can’t you have things like medical appointments and contact out in a court order so that they have to be agreed?

I am very amicably divorced and co-parenting with my ex. It took a while to get here, but it really works. But if he communicated with me the way you are expresssing yourself here, I would shut down and be much less amiable. Even if what you are asking for seem reasonable it’s possible the way you are going about it is not.

Your way is not necessarily the right way. You have to find a middle ground.

I would also be overwhelmed with spreadsheets and PowerPoints. You bombarding her with information when she doesn't understand it and then giving her more information is just going to cause delays in her ability to make decisions. What do you think drives her inability to make decisions?

Do you know how she likes to communicate? You sound logical and matter of fact but if she likes space to feel seen and heard then you are going to have issues if she doesn't understand or cannot process what you are telling her. Try and see things from her perspective and why she behaves like she does it may help you understand how and why things are not going well.

I wasn't bombarding her. This was 5 years of trying to communicate. I tried everything after a while, if something didn't work.

But does she see it like that? You don't obviously but does she? Why did you separate from her perspective? Have you listened to her reasons as at the moment you are so sure you're right I'm not sure how to advise you?

Have you even tried to see it from her perspective?

Just to place in perspective. My ex, when married, couldn't communicate only on her time. Then, if I couldn't communicate with her, I texted her. Now I know, childish, there were times when I had a busy day and wanted an hour mental break, then we could communicate, usually after the children were in bed, but my ex got upset when I did that when we were married. Then, when my ex wanted to discuss a disagreement, she became angry, so I shut down or asked for space till we could cool off and approach the discussion again later. That did not go well.

Have been pretty open with my discussions regarding custody almost too open. I also don't want to be too detailed because hard to tell how my ex may react. Asked her - "What days would you like to work, and could you let me know?", but she never told me.

I did. Using that as an example. I tried to change and shape communication styles just so she could understand what I was trying to convey and discuss with her over the course of five years.

As far as why we seperated I'll never know that.

My ex asked for divorce 30 times. We seperated twice before our third seperation. Blamed me for the divorce.

What did she say when she blamed you? From above it does sound like she would try and talk but you wanted to do it when you were ready? Anger is a valid emotion though and it sounds like you shut her down when she tried to express herself - it doesn't sound like you didn't allowed her to communicate how she likes to and wanted a no emotion conversation, that's not how humans work.

Your ex asked for a divorce 30 times but you ignored her?
And you can’t remember why you separated ?