Can someone hold my hand through the next week please

[Sadgirl101]

DH and I split in Dec 23. He claimed the usual "falling out of love" spiel but in reality had been having an emotional affair (at a minimum, not sure if physically) and had left me for someone 14 years his junior. Unsurprisingly it didn't last and he has now moved on to a colleague.

Our home is tied to his job so we knew I would have to be the one to move, but I had just started a degree when we split so agreed I would stay until I graduated. That hasn't worked out and I'm now moving back to my parents next week. We will share kids 50:50.

We have no assets and no savings. We pooled money for bills and just kind of divided up extras as we went along, most of the furniture he bought (my extras tended to go on kid stuff, holiday spending money etc) so he is now claiming all the furniture is his and he won't give me any. I know legally it's not true, but I honestly don't have the energy to fight over furniture I'd have to store anyway for at least 2 years. We had agreed I would engage a solicitor to write up a court order based on what we had agreed, and he would contribute towards the costs rather than both paying legal fees. Needless to say, £6k later, he refused to sign it and I haven't seen a penny. Solicitor said she wrote it because we were in agreement, but a court would never enforce it if it he were to contest it, so it was a complete waste of time and money. Going back to the drawing board and going for clean break just so that I can get it done.

I have had so much other stress as well to contend with this year and I just have nothing left to give. My relationship with the kids is deteriorating thanks to mental health while he plays dad of the year so they obviously favour him. He regularly asks what's wrong with me and when I list it all out he gets defensive and says I can't blame him and "it's hard for him too" (his contribution has been setting up broadband in his own name, he hasn't done anything else) and doesn't seem to get while I've no doubt he will miss not having the kids under the same roof full time, that's the only part of his life that is changing, everything else will carry on as normal. I am leaving with absolutely nothing, and still won't have my kids full time either. Every time I try and get him to discuss anything about the future it turns into him getting defensive and making demands/expectations/threats of "if X happens we're going to have issues". We both want to coparent amicably but I can't help but think it's just going to be control by another name, and if I say no I will be painted as the unreasonable one. I have no friends left as he isolated me from them all over the course of the marriage. I was sad but got on well with the partners of some of his friends so it wasn't too bad but obviously they have all disappeared now.

We are telling the kids on Thursday and I am moving on Sunday. He will have the kids first and I will get them back on Wednesday. I know the kids will want to stay with him and lash out at me (they already do, this will only make it worse).

I just don't think I'm strong enough for this, I've used all my energy and resilience on surviving the last 18 months. There's an overwhelming temptation to walk out before we tell them and just never return, they'd probably be happier with their dad.

Didn’t want to read and run. Sorry for all you are going through OP. It’s normal to feel all sorts of emotions but you would regret walking away from your kids… they need you and want you in their lives but are going through a lot too which means they lash out with you as they are testing if you are leaving them… you don’t need to be perfect or have it all together, just keep showing up.

You have made it this far… take the next hours one at a time and things will get better x

From now on back up everything you agree together in writing and send it to him.

You can't trust a word he says.

I wouldn't be talking to him, everything in writing.
Believe it or not when you move out and get space from him, do some therapy through your GP too, but you will instantly feel better. You won't feel so dragged down by him and his actions.
It is tough with the kids, I know that will be hard. How old are they? Depending on their ages is how you can turn this and work on the relationships. You have time to make this an interesting adventure. You can have your down time when he has the kids, and then rally when it is your time. It will get better, it will get easier.

Thanks all. We told the kids last night, eldest has actually taken it far better than I was expecting, I'm not sure youngest (3, diagnosed ASD) took much in and was mostly playing, but he must have understood more than we thought as he surprised to see me this morning and said "you're back" so think it'll be little and often reminders for him.

Ex kicked off massively this morning because once again, he's made assumptions and then when it's gone a different way blamed me. Shouting and yelling and calling me names in front of the kids, little did he knows the change in plans was my eldesta request so all he's done is reiterate that she has done the "wrong" thing in her little mind. I have apologised to both of the kids for the shouting (despite me keeping my voice calm and not escalating to his level) but I hadn't expected that. He's losing control and definitely can't stand it. He actually shook me up a bit this morning with his behaviour, but best I can do it keep out of his way and count down the hours I guess!

Keep posting here as often as you need. You sound like a lovely mum who has been thoroughly ground down. You are on the cusp of regaining your own space and, with it, so much hope and potential for a happy future. You might not feel it now, but brighter days are coming.

This made me cry, thank you. He's texting me now about plans for swimming lessons later as if nothing is wrong. I so want to tell him exactly what I think of him, if he would just get over it in the space of 3 hours with no apology or anything if I had done that to him, but it's completely pointless, and I won't let my kids see it. He can shout and swear and call me all the names under the sun if he likes, the only thing I can control is myself and I refuse to let my children see me speak to any other human, least of all their parent, like that. I have to believe that as they get older they will form their own opinions and I will be able to know with a completely clear conscience that I have done nothing to jeopardize or influence that

I’m going through a similar crappy time too. My friends just sent me a message saying “lots of good things will happen to you. It’s just that you have to get through the crappy things first”. I am holding on to this.

she also told me to make a playlist of songs from when you were twelve to cheer yourself up a bit.

It's moving day today! He's fuming this morning, although I'm not quite sure why, probably something I've done.

He's been ridiculous the last couple of days, I know it's just because he knows he's losing control, and I think an element of fear/guilty conscience that while I go along with the "it was mutual" story, we both know he was having an affair even if he never admitted it to me, and he still things I'm trying to screw him over. When it's not scary it's actually laughable how absurd he's being and I would love to understand how his mind works.

We divided up the kids clothes yesterday. He stood over me and breathed down my neck over every single pair of socks and hair band arguing over "who bought it", whereas I was more "I'm not taking half an open packet of hair clips and 4 pairs of pants, it's easier to just pick up a new pack for a couple of quid. We had agreed that we would separate out anything that we bought in recent memory, or that our families had given them as souvenirs/holiday gifts based on which side they were from, and then try and split the joint things evenly. That was fine until he remembered I had just bought all their new pyjamas and "does that mean you're taking all their new pyjamas then and leaving me with nothing". Obviously I'm not a twat, so I have left him one pair of summer PJ's for each of them, not for his benefit, but so they don't have to sleep in 30 degree heat this week in long sleeved pyjamas, because I won't use them as a pawn. Funnily enough, he bought their long sleeved pyjamas and seemed most aggrieved when I pointed out joyously "that works well then, we can swap a long pair for a short pair" rather than him keeping all of them.

I have evened out the joint account for bills this month by taking less to pay nursery instead of paying everything in, I've still paid half of the utilities despite only being here for half a month. He insisted he needed extra money from me for heating (paid in advance) but I couldn't be bothered to squabble. I asked if he wanted me to set up his standing order from the joint account before I remove myself on Monday and he said yes because he can't use online banking apparently, but still seems to think I'm screwing him over. I think I will take screenshots and send him an email breaking it all down to stop him coming back later and claiming he's withholding money for the things he's kept to sell on under the guise of splitting it, although I'm under no illusion that I'll ever see any of that money.

Eldest went and got clothes out her room to try and match me (I made a point of telling her she doesn't need to match anyone and can be her own self because I knew he would say it if I didn't) but didn't put them on and then he was immediately asking her where they were in case I was trying to sneak out a pair of shorts, top and underwear. It's truly bizarre behaviour. The clothes she wore yesterday where "mine" so I've taken them out the wash basket, and there's a top of youngest that ex washed yesterday that was mine so I'll make a point of getting that back as the insistence that everyone has their stuff only seems to apply to him.

I think this morning has summed up exactly why I can't wait to leave, when eldest asked me to make her breakfast as she was hungry, but I first tried to convince her to wait for her dad (who is at work for another half an hour or so) and when she wouldn't said I had to text him first to ask if it was ok to do her breakfast without him. He has said I can, but I know he'll be annoyed anyway.

I can't wait to be away from his sulks and control

I'm also leaving him the extra £200 in the joint account because I can't be bothered arguing over it. It's just not worth it. My peace is worth more than £100

Hope moving day goes smoothly! Well done for not reacting to him, it sounds really hard and very tense. Just think, this time tomorrow you will be sitting in your own place, surrounded by boxes... but not having to deal with him. It will be BLISS! At that point you need to snooze his messages, consider getting a phone just for communication with him that you can put in a drawer and check when you want to once a day, rather than being bombarded all day. He's likely to try and keep that power through communication.
Enjoy getting out, your freedom, that place to breath. You and the kids will be so much happier.

I’m sending support and solidarity your way! Keep writing, keep being as strong as you can and picture yourself two years from now free from his crap and living your best life
well bloody done for getting this far
it will get better, it WILL 💐

Yes to the playlist too! I’m thinking female empowerment songs like RESPECT would help too so you can find your anger again

Thank you! We are going back to my parents for a couple of years while I get myself back on my feet and save so as much I would love to be sat in my own space in peace, and as much as my mum drives me up the wall and we clash, at least I know everything she does is because she loves me and just sees it differently, rather than feeling like I constantly need to watch my back

Honestly, I dream of my future home all the time. Getting to choose all the furniture, decor, spending money on silly little things that make it feel homely but are "a waste of money". I keep seeing big art prints of humourous statements and I love them but he never would have allowed them, so I can't wait to fill my house with them. And cushions. But none of his stupid ornaments that make it really hard to dust.

He’s going to kick off regardless so just take the £100 you need it far more than him.

Have you said to him you know he had an affair? I'm not sure why you're doing the whole this is mutual thing when he's awful to you, your eldest is clearly also frightened of doing things without his permission and he had an affair then went on to have a relationship with a colleague while you're still married and loving under the same roof. I wouldn't be covering for him. I also wouldn't be lying to my children or anyone for him.
He sounds horrific, give it a few weeks and you'll feel lighter just for not having to set him every day.

I loved home to my mum's too, two kids also. Honestly, 18months on and I feel like this is more mine than when I lived with ex. Breath of fresh air. The first night I was lying on a mattress on the floor in the same room as the kids and the tension fell out of shoulders and I just felt so much peace. And I can clash with my mum too haha!

You’re completely aceing it OP! Nice one.
I read somewhere a while ago that the reason they’re such arses is because they are in a position that they don’t want to be in and they don’t like it. He’s now got parenting duties to step up to!
Enjoy your lovely peace!

The kids do see through the shite behaviour, just give them time.

Well done OP - I don’t want to call you Sadgirl!
Hope today has gone ok - you’re amazing! Don’t forget that!

Yes, I begged him to be honest in the early days and he wouldn't and the gaslighting was awful. In the end my therapist suggested that I just make a statement to him of "I'm disappointed you won't admit it but I'm not going to force it, I just want you to know that I am in no doubt and know it happened, and you can deny it all you like but you also know I'm right."

The only people I haven't told all the facts are the kids because they are so young, and there's so much evidence that putting kids in the middle of a divorce causes them far more stress down the line. My family and friends all know. I doubt he tells his the truth and there's nothing to be gained by me telling them how awful he has been.

I'm sure the kids will ask for more info when they get older and I will likely share in an age appropriate way, but more to the point as they get older they will see so much for themselves and form their own opinions, I don't want to influence that.

I feel sad that as they grow older they probably won't have a dad that they can go to openly when they get things wrong without worrying about consequences or that his mood is heavily dependant on their actions, so if they can have a few more years of childhood thinking he's the best thing since sliced bread then I'll let them have it. I'm thrilled that I will be able to be that safe space for them to run to when needed without him there to undermine, or even just him being there being enough to stop them from opening up. At least apart I can make sure they have one rock solid parent to be a safe space, rather than trying to modify my parenting to keep him happy, or having him criticise me for doing it wrong.

This is reassuring, thank you for sharing! We are really fortunate that we all have our own rooms (much smaller than we had in the marital home so having to be quite ruthless with the culling of stuff but we've been creative with storage and am doing quite well!

I definitely felt like I will be more able to do things my way without worrying about it being wrong. I'm still a bit unsure if we will have issues with privacy/boundaries about where I'm going when I go out as there are elements of my private life I don't necessarily want to share with her! But we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

I think it's going to take a while to adapt to letting people help and take care of me. Mum said yesterday all she wants from me is to be able to be present with the kids, get my studying done and repair my mental health (and keep my own room clean as I have said I don't want her cleaning it) I'm so used to any help I accepted being used against me that I hadn't realised how hyper independent I've become and am trying to push away every off of help to do it all myself.

Be careful about saving money - he might come abd ask for half of it if you've no financial agreement in place.

Hope the move home went well. I am anticipating having to move back in with my parents, with 2 young kids whilst my brother his partner and their son also live there for a short period. It sounds like hell for me tbh but im trying to think about the extra help ill have as opposed to living alone with a toddler and new born.

None of this is forever, I keep telling myself....

I think that's exactly it, he has had control through the entirety of this situation so far and he absolutely hates it. When he made the choices he did to leave me I don't think he thought ahead to how any of it would affect him, and whereas I've had 18 months of extreme stress, he's sat back holding the cards feeling pretty safe and now that's changing and every time I use initiative or make a decision he thinks it's being done to spite him. I don't hate him or care enough about him for that, I'm completely indifferent, I just will no longer make decisions to benefit him or feel the need to run everything past him. I can see why he probably feels like it's spite, he's had 13 years of me making myself smaller, isolating myself from my friends, spending time with his instead, avoiding my family, deferring to his ideas and opinions to avoid arguments, all with a smile plastered on my face without every trying to explain to him how I felt (because that wouldn't have worked well) that to suddenly stop must feel very unsettling, I genuinely don't think he has the theory of mind to see or realise how he behaved, seeing others Pov has never been something he did well at, but when you look at his family I'm not surprised that he's inherited/learned that trait!

Thank you all for keeping me company and the well wishes and confidence boost! The move went about as well as I think if could have. We didn't get all the stuff sorted we needed to in terms of kids games, and a lot of the keepsake/sentimental stuff so I need to go back to finish that at some point with him as he wasn't going to let me do it on my own as he thinks I'm going to take all the good stuff 🙄

He took the kids out for the afternoon so I could get stuff out which was helpful and definitely better for the kids. Managed to mostly hold it together to say goodbye and no tears from them. It took longer than I thought, and as predicted mum and I clashed a bit (my ADHD means I am very system based, I had a system, I knew where everything was, what was in what piles, what bits I had kept out but what bag/box I was going to put them in and then when I was doing bits downstairs they started moving my bits from upstairs into the gaps in the first car run so when I went up everything had moved, nothing was where I left it, the bags/boxes I had planned to put the bits I would want out straight away on arrival had already gone, and I got a bit flustered and overwhelmed, which mum then mistook for being "pissed off and sulking". I do know they were helping and they can't have known, I wasn't annoyed at them at all, but my brain couldn't really cope with the change to the system it was building all it's functionality on. But we got there, we got everything out about 40 minutes before they were due back so that was good. I drove my own car and put my "sadgirl tries to be an angry badass independent woman" playlist on and had a cry, but wrapped that up before we got home mostly. Mum and dad flapped for a bit that I wouldn't sit down and eat/drink and just wanted to get some bits unpacked on my own, but did let me once I drank some water and said of they cooked dinner I would pick at it. Unpacked some boxes, ate dinner around 9 (as we hadn't got back until late) and then unpacked some more bits. Suddenly lost all motivation half way through the last suitcase at about 12.30 so chucked it all back in and will do that today. Immediately realised the bedside tables are not fit for purpose so will try and source some new ones, so those boxes might need to stay in their boxes. I slept better than I expected to and didn't wake up nearly as early as I used to as I have a blackout blind and thick curtains here, although neighbours woke me up about 8 (probably for the best as I am meant to take my meds before 7.30 so was already late!) dozed back off for a bit, have had a browse on my phone. Just about to have a shower and then head to see my therapist, then have an hour to kill before I go to the bank to take my name off the account so will take my laptop and do some more address updates and send him an email of a few bits we have discussed.

He said the kids were fine but also said eldest asked to call me and he said no because didn't want to set a precedent, which I agree with because I don't want bedtime here to involve keep phoning him either, but suggests she may have been more upset than he's letting on because my shifts mean I'm often not there for bedtime and had a stint where I was away for 4 days a week for 6 weeks, and to my knowledge never asked to call me, so she is well used to me not being there. We are doing 2 2 5 5 custody split so I did say maybe we can chat about doing a facetime partway through the 5 day one, and hopefully as they get more settled we can operate a bit more freely in terms of them calling if they have news/something to share. He was not happy that I took the passports (despite him saying he is never going to take them abroad) but couldn't articulate why other than "I should have discussed it with him). Pointed out eldests is about to expire anyway, at which point he said he would like to pay for it but could I please do the application (because that's the sort of mental load that he thinks I just magically knew how to do and didn't haven't to work it out the first time we did the forms!) I have declined his 'offer' to pay because based on the last 3 days he's made it clear he thinks anything he paid for is his to control and I don't want him witholding the passport, so at a minimum we can split it. I will do the application and pay in full, and let him know what his split is, and then if he wants to pay half he can, if not I'm not worse off than if I had just renewed it on my own.

I've realised how outing this has become, and I was going to say I hope if anyone recognises me they can respect my privacy not to share it with him, and if they do, make sure they tell him I think he's a massive twat. But actually, the only person who may be close enough to recognise the detail is his new partner (who I doubt is a MNer, but you never know!) and actually, if you are reading this, new partner, please know that he has told me stuff about your relationship with A and how you fell into it and then regretted being with such an awful person. I'm sure he's told you all sorts about how I'm an awful person but I promise you you're falling into the same trap you did before, please don't let yourself end up tied to him, you are a lovely lady with so much going for you and you can do SO much better!

Thanks, yes I am working on this! He has been very evasive with getting the consent order sorted so now I'm out I'm going to let my solicitors push a bit harder, we had a faff with the last court order and for very outting reasons it couldn't go to court, so they are going to redo it as a super basic clean break just to get it done, and if he still drags his heels I will simply take it to court and get it enforced that way hopefully