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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex wanting increase in custody...at an interesting time

33 replies

Swiftlytailored · 31/07/2025 11:57

Hi,

Been divorced 8 years when ex left for OW. Children very small (preschool and one just starting school).

He moved a little away with OW and I stayed in our town. had kids every other weekend plus 1 night. Suited him as he climbed the ranks at work whilst I did the grunt work of young childcare.

I recently moved with new partner slightly out of town and we've waited ages to do so blending our family. It's great and we've done it all so slowly so we all knew each other well.

Ex's partner now has to move near work so he's had to get a place on his own again. He's saying he's moving right by their school and wants 50/50 custody. He's using the distance as an argument despite him arguing the benefits/non issues when he himself initially moved away.

I don't want this. We've recently moved, trying to form our own new family and are just settling and I'll miss the kids I've grown so close to being their primary carer.

He's never asked for children more and tbh always asked for adjustments for his work.

It's his change in circumstances (and maybe a bit put out I've finally got on with my life) plus he's always been salty about maintenance but always paid.

Has he got a good case if he pushed it further?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 31/07/2025 11:59

How old are the children now? Past a certain age there’s an expectation that their views are taken into account.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 31/07/2025 12:00

Send him a proposed schedule
. Add in clubs /parties /dental /Dr appointments.. Any school activities parents are expected to attend.
Ask him to have a browse and get back to you when he is sure he can manage the schedule... Add on 50/50 costs of new school uniforms...make a list of everything down to pants and socks..

ComfortFoodCafe · 31/07/2025 12:02

If they were school age 8 years ago im guessing they are pre-teens now.. which means a court would take into account where the kids would want to live. If they dont want 50/50 with their dad then the court would side with them.
so the question is what do your kids want?

Original poster
Swiftlytailored · 31/07/2025 12:03

He's primed them with an argument before he told me his plans so they are full of "fairness" ideas. Youngest is 10.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 31/07/2025 12:04

Given the ages it isn’t about what you or he want it is about the kids and what suits them

so what do they want? Do they have a good relationship with Dad would they like to see him more?

how will it work for high school?

centre the kids in this and nothing else

Tiswa · 31/07/2025 12:05

Then yes he stands a good chance of 50/50

Neemie · 31/07/2025 12:21

Are you sure the kids are happy about your blended family situation? Maybe they want their own space. I remember my best friend absolutely loathed her step mother but she never told her father because she didn’t want the emotion, hassle and pressure that being honest about it would bring.

cadburyegg · 31/07/2025 12:24

Interesting that he wants 50/50 now they are “easier”.

If the children are up for it then you could agree a trial period of 3 months and see how it goes.

But you need to spell out to him that this means 50% of all the care. So, he needs to buy all the clothes that stay at his house including school uniform, pay for 50% of activities, either make packed lunches or buy the school dinners on his weeks, take them to 50% of doctor/dentist/optician etc appointments. Any “one offs” you normally buy that go between houses like school bags, winter coats etc he needs to transfer half of to you immediately. Any sick days that happen on his watch he needs to take the time off work for, a 10 year old is too young to be home alone, so no calling you on his time and saying you need to step in.

After 3 months if he’s not sticking to this or you find you are still doing 100% of the running around and paying for everything, you’ll have a reason to say it’s not working.

You might find he suddenly rescinds this suggestion once he realises what it involves.

grumpyoldeyeore · 31/07/2025 12:37

Has he mentioned maintenance reducing so there’s a possibility this is financially motivated or is it about your new situation. I can see why he may feel threatened by your dc having a live in SP. It does change the parenting dynamics.

If you think it’s financial do you need the money? I didn’t claim maintenance as I knew ex would take dc purely to save money and I could manage without it.

You could suggest a trial and maybe alternate full weeks / 50% holidays as that is probably the best test whether he would stick with it when he’s fully responsible and has to make arrangements to cover his work etc. Tell him you are happy to start right away and ask which 2.5 full weeks of the rest of summer holiday does he want.

Also it won’t be easier when they are teens - physically easier but lots of hormones and risk taking and sleepless nights.

Original poster
Swiftlytailored · 31/07/2025 12:51

Thank you. I do believe it is financially motivated now his circumstances have changed - but not entirely. I think he's also thinking he's more alone now without a partner around in the week!

It's all suited him this far as he was with is partner and career - this is more of a response to his circumstances than with the kids in mind.

Yes it's a bit galling he wants the sweet spot now I've done the hard work of them when very young. He'll probably want to change back when they are full on teens.

OP posts:
Fatbottomgardener · 31/07/2025 13:08

cadburyegg · 31/07/2025 12:24

Interesting that he wants 50/50 now they are “easier”.

If the children are up for it then you could agree a trial period of 3 months and see how it goes.

But you need to spell out to him that this means 50% of all the care. So, he needs to buy all the clothes that stay at his house including school uniform, pay for 50% of activities, either make packed lunches or buy the school dinners on his weeks, take them to 50% of doctor/dentist/optician etc appointments. Any “one offs” you normally buy that go between houses like school bags, winter coats etc he needs to transfer half of to you immediately. Any sick days that happen on his watch he needs to take the time off work for, a 10 year old is too young to be home alone, so no calling you on his time and saying you need to step in.

After 3 months if he’s not sticking to this or you find you are still doing 100% of the running around and paying for everything, you’ll have a reason to say it’s not working.

You might find he suddenly rescinds this suggestion once he realises what it involves.

Excellent idea. Use this @Swiftlytailored

Tiswa · 31/07/2025 13:21

Yes you are probably right and to be honest I find mine much harder at 16 and nearly 13 than I did when they were younger! And more hours of them as well.

I would suggest splitting all uniform costs/extra curricular/clothes 50/50 and then see how often he has them.

FionaOccupier · 31/07/2025 13:52

From the kids’ perspective, it’s probably better to be near their school and friends, and living just with their dad, than out of town with a stepparent.

Try to see it from their perspective OP, not yours.

Snorlaxo · 31/07/2025 13:59

As pp said he’d probably get 50:50 as long as the kids didn’t object.

Make sure he knows that 50:50 means that he can’t have all weekends and that school holidays are 13 weeks long so he needs to pay for childcare or take 6.5 weeks off including when the kids are ill on his days. If he finishes work at 5pm and it’s his day then he needs to pay for after school care for the 10 year old and that 10 isn’t old enough to get up in the morning on his own and get to school on time. If he travels for work sporadically then he can’t expect 50/50 to be arranged around that either.

RimTimTagiDim · 31/07/2025 14:01

I don't want this. We've recently moved, trying to form our own new family and are just settling and I'll miss the kids I've grown so close to being their primary carer.

Very interesting that it's all about you and your boyfriend, nothing about what the children want or what's best for them.

TennisLady · 31/07/2025 14:03

Like others have said, if your children want to then that’s important. Then if so, you’ll need to ensure he fully understands the 50/50 split that includes 50% of the admin, including appointments extra activities/costs, uniform, clothing, going to parties, half of school holidays etc etc.

Original poster
Swiftlytailored · 31/07/2025 14:06

I think that's harsh - it has been all about him and his GF and what suits him this far. And I've dealt with that with the children first.

Now I have my foot in the door of a new life, and his own circumstances have changed we have to flip again.

Not all step parent and blended families are awful - I've taken it at snails pace and all the children have known each other years before this step. We have an awful lot of fun together and everyone is content.

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 31/07/2025 14:13

Does he even now what is involved with 50/50?
His timing does sound suspicious but I suspect you are going to have to give it a go if the kids want it.

Is there something between - he have them 2 days a week and EOW to start with?

Bestnottalkaboutit · 31/07/2025 14:16

FionaOccupier · 31/07/2025 13:52

From the kids’ perspective, it’s probably better to be near their school and friends, and living just with their dad, than out of town with a stepparent.

Try to see it from their perspective OP, not yours.

Hard agree. Look at if from the kids’ perspective first and foremost.

Is he a good dad to them? Do they enjoy the weekends that they have spent with him, and have a solid, loving relationship? Is he supportive, interested and engaged? Be honest, don’t let your feelings for him cloud your view.

If he is a good dad, and has been a consistent, positive presence in their lives, then he has as much right as you to having his children live with him more. They are still his children and I would advise against anything that puts a barrier in building that relationship now there is opportunity to - your children will not thank you for it.

And I agree with @FionaOccupier - from their point of view living nearer their school, with just their Dad (rather than other kids they are not related to) might well be something they would enjoy and benefit from.

And it is 50:50, so they would still be able to have time in your new blended set up.

Think hard about what is best for the children. If they love him, why would you want to stop them spending time with their parent

Lennonjingles · 31/07/2025 14:19

I would want to know if he genuinely wants to see DC more or doing this to stop paying maintenance, also your DC (particularly the eldest) is old enough to have a conversation with and to ask them what they think, in terms of timing, it’s not a great time to make dramatic changes as you’ve all had big changes recently. I agree with previous post, offer another night a week to start, but only if DC are ok with this. Otherwise tell him to go to Court to get 50/50 which he may well get, but it puts it off for a while.

Helpmeplease2025 · 31/07/2025 14:20

Your kids will get a say at this age; is the issue you know they might actually want to go?

You say they like the blended family, but it’s possible they’d also like to spend more time in a household where this isn’t the situation.

SirChenjins · 31/07/2025 14:24

Whilst it must be really frustrating for you (and for good reason), it's really up to your DC to decide what they want. As children get older they often want to do things that we really don't like, but as long as they're not in any danger then you have to smile (through gritted teeth) and go along with their wishes.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 31/07/2025 14:34

Offer up suggestions of you now being able to book weekends /trips away... Once he feels like he is now a babysitter he won't be so keen to free up some of your time.
I betcha....

Beamur · 31/07/2025 14:39

I think you need to ask the kids what they want. Their needs come first.
But if he wants 50:50 then he has to take on exactly what that means as spelt out by another poster. Responsibility for half of all holidays, any illness on his time and half of all costs. Proper parenting.

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 14:41

Tbf, your want to be a blended family nay nit be yoyr dcs. They already have a number and a dad. I think spending some quality time one on one with Dad would be sonething they'd want.