One more shot to discuss custody schedule and what to do if ex doesn't agree?

[ILikePizza2025]

I plan to reach out to my ex-wife during the first week of August to discuss the custody schedule for our kids. Be the fifth time trying to start a conversation, once with a legal document. I would like to propose the following arrangement for the time I would have the children with me:

Week 1: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday

Week 2: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday

For logistics:

• Family on my side will drop off our oldest at school every Wednesday during Week 1, while I will take our youngest to my ex's on Tuesday nights.
• In Week 2, family will drop off our oldest at school on Thursday, and I will drop off our youngest at my ex's on Wednesday night.
• My ex will bring the kids to my place by 7 PM on Sunday of Week 2.

For the holidays, I would like to have the kids on the following dates: October 10/31, November 24, 25, 26, 27, December 23, 24, January 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Does that sound reasonable?

Now I know if my ex doesn't agree, then I have to go through the Court. What do I do in the interim if my ex won't let me see my children? It won't be too much of an issue if she doesn't agree, I have family able to watch my children, as it's only every Wednesday I would be working. Any insight or advice?

Well, except for her family member watching the children. That's one thing I can't let go of. Cardiac health history. Smokes cigarettes in the house. On pain-controlled medication. Multiple ortho health issues. First time ex and I split would exchange our child with a soiled diaper. Some other issues.

I was going to do private mediation. With this being the fifth time don't think private mediation will work. Just want something concrete till the Courts settle things.

Can you discuss this with your ex saying you are concerned they are smoking around your children? Do the pain meds make them less able to care for the children?

Only concern is the pain medication making them tired or impaired to drive. They have to get a new car or detailed stop smoking in the car. Stop smoking in the house around the children.

Although you may not like the smoking around your child, which i completely understand, you don't get to decide this and smoking wouldn't be considered a risk in court either.
Pain medication- unless a doctor has said they are incapable of driving, or they have been dealing with the police due to a driving incident that occurred due to the pain medication,then the court will not be interested. The other parent has the right to choose who looks after the children during their time, and you don't get a say.
I would suggest you speak to your ex and come to a compromise- you aren't going to get everything you want. You are going to have to let go a bit as you now do not get to make these decisions.
If you go to court they won't look at this stuff as you have your opinion only, nothing else. So going to court is likely to make your coparenting relationship more stressful and take the decision completely out of yours and your exs hands.

I mean I should. All hypothetical situations. For my youngest, they do have an ongoing medical issue, so smoking could potentially affect that. Smoking in general is not healthy second or third. Controlled pain medication can impair you cognitively. Would need to have medical documentation for all that.

If it ended up going to a Judge, the Judge probably won't agree to a "Right of First Refusal", but I can see what you are saying.

All your opinion and the court won't care, because you are not medically trained and are not that family members doctor. So you need to back off. Your argument has no standing.

For the reasons you state, you don't have a leg to stand on. You come across controlling and unreasonable.

Are you in the UK?
I've heard of Right of First Refusal online but I don't think it's a thing in the UK.

Not controlling it's for my child's safety. As I said first seperation my child be exchanged in a diaper covered in stool. Currently if ex family member watches them the one in a diaper comes over in a rash. I could try to get a written statement from the PCP if need be.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want your child in a smoke free environment, to be looked after by someone who is safe and hygiene to be maintained. However, in order to do that you need to be able to communicate with your ex - bringing up right to refusal, pain meds and a dirty nappy isn't going to help that. You need to try and build a co-parenting relationship that enables her to ask you for help, criticising her for everything she's doing wrong (no matter how legitimate) isn't going to do that.

We are UK and had right of first refusal in our CAO.
Basically it meant as children lived with me, if I needed a babysitter I had to ask him first. Then I'd be interrogated as to where I was going etc. Then he'd say no and I'd have to find someone else.
It was a continuation of coercive control, and as I had evidence the judge removed it from the order thank goodness!

Gosh - that's not great @Ncforthiscms. Glad you got it removed.

In my scenario, I don't think any part of it is controlling. Basically, putting children in an unhealthy situation, being exposed to smoke via second or third hand. Not having their diapers cleaned and developing rashes. Being exposed to R-rated shows. Concerns arise if a family member has a cardiac history, which leaves concerns about what happens if they do become ill when watching the children. If the children become ill, then they have no one to take them to the hospital or doctor's office due to not having a vehicle that isn't filled with smoke. Also, doesn't have car seats. In addition, children have never been to daycare. With our youngest having medical issues, it is not safe to bring them to daycare at this time.

My objection to that schedule would be that neither of you could ever take the DCs away for a weekend except in the holidays. That's pretty limiting, especially if you have relative 3 or 4 hours drive away.

I don't want to come off as criticizing. A few recent scenarios my ex was working on. Offered to help transport one of the children to an extracurricular activity in the Morning. Ex refused both times didn't take the child to the extracurricular activity. I try to communicate and co-parent. It's more parallel parenting at this time.

Diaper - are you in the states?

1. a judge or court can order you to communicate better but doesn’t mean they can police it.
2. you have no right to say who other parent can use in a childcare capacity and if you do choose to go this route make sure you have significant and substantial evidence not just statements from Willy nilly people you’ll look like a nob.
3. If you continue to try and communicate with your ex and she tells you to stop or ignores you it could be classed as harassment and she will have grounds for a non-molestation order - be careful.
4. You need to be factual in how this impacts the children and how you can evidence it’s in their best interests, because at the moment you haven’t said that your ex is complaining about anything therefore this presumably works for her and the children it’s just you that it doesn’t.
5. youre limiting yourself massively for the future.

In the UK you wouldn't get to decide this. The court won't take that into account unless a doctor says anyone taking the medication MUST NOT drive. Equally, you don't get input on their car.

Having read all of your comments, I think I understand your ex's objection.

It feels like she just wants to be left alone to enjoy the DCs on her days, but you keep offering to take them here and there, trying to dictate who can look after them, which car they can go in.

I can quite see that her preference is parallel parenting with as little communication as possible, and I understand why she doesn't want to share her schedule with you. I think she wants a break from you. Can you not just leave her in peace with the DCs on her days?

Wouldn't be too bad. I can take the children on Friday and bring them back on Sunday. My ex would have them Wednesday through Sunday. I feel two days is too short. The 3 & 4 work for me. I'd rather just do 4 across the board.

But you are proposing to have the DCs on Sunday (week1) and Saturday (week2).

I don't see how your ex could ever enjoy a weekend away with her dcs, if on your schedule.

I don't think you really understand the picture. Not being rude. My ex agreed to the EC and said that they would transport them. Didn't follow through twice or take my help. Living with my ex in the past, things could have changed; I never bathed the children. Watches R-rated shows, though I know still going on asy oldest reenacted "Squid Games" recently.. Children are coming over with diaper rashes, so I know when my ex-family member is watching them, not changing them often. I have justified reasons. They have no car seat and it's smoke ridden. This family member doesn't wake up till Noon sometimes or close to it. The reliability of their watching the children is questionable.

Won't go into how my ex supports corporal punishment, legal here.

Where we live, taking the pain medication comes with a risk of a DWI. Not 100% sure.

But the only things there that the court will take into account are the lack of car seats - that needs to be rectified.

Your ex's best plan is to meet you for mediation but fail to reach agreement, then go to court. Most likely you'll be allocated 50:50 each on a simple split, with every other weekend. Your ex would be under no obligation to reveal her schedule or any other detail.

Also remember that if your oldest is year 6, their choice as to who to be with will be listened to in two years, which may or may not work in your favour.

It's confusing, but isn't W2 Saturday really the day before W1 Sun, so a full weekend? I have no idea why OP split the weekend on to two different weeks.

W1 Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue
W2 Mon Tue Wed

So in this scenario Mum gets 5 days straight one week, then 2 days straight the other. Is that right?