One more shot to discuss custody schedule and what to do if ex doesn't agree?

[ILikePizza2025]

I plan to reach out to my ex-wife during the first week of August to discuss the custody schedule for our kids. Be the fifth time trying to start a conversation, once with a legal document. I would like to propose the following arrangement for the time I would have the children with me:

Week 1: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday

Week 2: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday

For logistics:

• Family on my side will drop off our oldest at school every Wednesday during Week 1, while I will take our youngest to my ex's on Tuesday nights.
• In Week 2, family will drop off our oldest at school on Thursday, and I will drop off our youngest at my ex's on Wednesday night.
• My ex will bring the kids to my place by 7 PM on Sunday of Week 2.

For the holidays, I would like to have the kids on the following dates: October 10/31, November 24, 25, 26, 27, December 23, 24, January 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Does that sound reasonable?

Now I know if my ex doesn't agree, then I have to go through the Court. What do I do in the interim if my ex won't let me see my children? It won't be too much of an issue if she doesn't agree, I have family able to watch my children, as it's only every Wednesday I would be working. Any insight or advice?

Things for you to set out clearly in your mind before any discussions:
What are the current arrangements?
Why do you want to change them?
Are the proposed changes in the best interests of the children?
Try to set aside the practical and logistical stuff about what hours everyone works/how drop offs will work and really think about what would be the best for the children. If your ex agrees with you on this principle then you’ve got a great base to work out a good arrangement. If you fundamentally disagree about the proportion of time with each parent then you may well end up in court.

What are the current arrangements?

What is the point in dropping off at 7pm on a Sunday just to sleep?

How old are they?

I think if I was your ex wife I would want to know:

That you had taken the children’s needs/preferences/ what was best for them into account. There is nothing in your op to say what they currently do, and why this is better for them. Why you’re instigating a change.

That you had taken my work and logistics into account as much as your own. So, for example, I’d want to be asked if dropping to me the night before to sleep was convenient. Or would it be better to drop to nursery the following morning so that it didn’t affect my work on your days.

That you were planning to be completely self sufficient on your days. I would want confirmation from you that you understood that you would need time off work or book childcare for sickness, inset days, holidays etc.

I would also want to see a much more collaborative approach than your initial message. Your message comes across as “this is what I’ve decided for our family” and not “the kids would like more time with me, how can we facilitate that” which feels difficult before it starts.

Most Importantly how are YOU going to look after your DC when it’s your time?
If you have ND DC how will this affect them?
Is your schedule the best for your DC or are you just doing it to enable you to stop paying maintenance?

What is the current contact?
Are you in agreement on amount of time/percentage of time?
Why are the children being treated differently? One being dropped to mum at bedtime, the other staying wjth you and being dropped to school? Is this because of your working pattern and having family support for drop offs? Or is this some other reason?

You haven't said how old the kids are. I think that makes a difference. I also don't understand the random Saturday in week 2, more handovers for the kids (which kids naturally find tricky) why isn't it a full weekend at each parents house?

Your message comes across as you've decided this plan, ex must agree, and if ex doesn't agree then you will take then to court. It doesn't come across collaborative, but more about what you want (no mention of the kid's needs).

How old are the DC? That makes a big difference tbh.

I personally think it sounds horrible and overcomplicated. Unless they're very little can't they just do week on week off, so they're not moving beds every couple of days?

They never get a full weekend with either parent according to your suggestion which seems a bit rubbish.

It looks like you have sat down and worked out what would fit best for you and your schedule without considering what is in the best interests of the children or what would work for your ex partner. We don’t know her schedule but surely a starting point would be one week on one week off?

What do you do on Friday nights?

It looks like you've picked a random selection of 7 days out of 14 in order to stop paying maintenance. Where is the benefit to the DC in arriving in time for bed on a Sunday? What's your plan B in case your family can't do the school runs for you? Or is the 'family' your current partner?

There’s a big gap between “not being allowed to see my children “ and agreeing to this complicated schedule.

How different is it to what you do now?

Why do you think it’s best for the kids to do this?

I didn't want to say that (about maintenance) but yeah...

Separate drop offs & multiple family involvement is a red flag that this is designed for something other than child wellbeing

I don’t think I’d agree to this and I don’t think a court would either it’s far too disruptive. For the last 10 years my ex and I have done:

week 1 - Thursday after school to Saturday morning
week 2 - Friday after school to Monday morning school drop off
50:50 holidays
Xmas and new year alternated

i have to say it worked well until they went to senior school but now we’re both governed by their plans and what works best for everyone. Xmas is no longer alternated as they ask to stay with me for a couple of years as we had family over but the last couple of years they’ve spent with their dad as they have a new sibling.

you need to think long-term not short term. What about if you both get new relationships for example you’d have to find someone very understanding to live this regimented life with you. Also give yourself a free weekend most parents would jump at the chance.

sorry but I think your plan is too restrictive.

Personally I really wouldn’t like the split weekends. It would mean I could never take the children away to see family etc at the weekend and never have a weekend to myself.

But, as a lawyer, my advice is to avoid court if you possibly can and that may mean listening to your ex and coming to a compromise. Court is the quickest way to irreparably damage a co-parenting relationship or any chance of one and leaves you with an inflexible schedule which often doesn’t work well for anyone. There’s huge value in being able to swap the occasional weekend round for an important family event or agree that you will each take one child if they have conflicting activities etc.

The first thing you need to address is the principles that will govern your joint co parenting agreement. Then look at the options that best fit that.

A general but not always helpful statement is that it is about the needs of the children. For this to be helpful you need to work out what that means.

1. the children maintain a relationship with both of you
2. the children have quality time with both parents
3. the children are able to get to and from school easily (define this)
4. their social needs are accommodated within reason. There are things that can be dropped as well as must dos.

Any arrangement must ensure you are both able to maintain a good quality of life for your children. That means being able to work and afford child care. Try to make this as equal as possible. There will be sacrifices and compromises on both sides.

There will be more than one option. Agree which ones work and are good enough. Nothing needs to be perfect.

I appreciate that. At the moment doing a 3-4-3-4 schedule. Contemplating a 5-3-2-4 schedule. Could do a 5-2-5-2 schedule.

Trying to avoid childcare at the moment. One is due to cost. Two because our children have never been in daycare. Three are due to my youngest having some health issues.

My ex refuses any help from me. Also, won't collaborate with me on telling me her work schedule or the days she wants to have the children. Tell me last minute, if you want them on a day I have them, and tell her "no".

Also, ex will change appointments for the children around to days she has the children without telling me.

I want to avoid my ex-family member watching the children for a few reasons. I have one family member at the moment who can help watch my children if I have issues with not being able to be with the children on the days I have them. Also, can watch on the days my ex has the children if she is unable to. That will be a Court issue that we will have to address down the road.

You are wanting to avoid childcare for your children on your time or at all? And you also don't want your ex's family member looking after your child? What your ex does for childcare on her time you can't control, so I wouldn't change a schedule that currently works for that.

Split weekends aren't great, you find you can't really do anything and if the co parenting relationship isn't great this would be a nightmare for weekends away etc...

Why doesn't your ex want to change?

Plan to have with custody a "Right of First Refusal". My ex-family member has said in the past to my family member that they can't watch the children or something along those lines. Their health makes me concerned about whether they watch the children.

My ex won't say what schedule she likes. One point at an exchange asked to have the children for the following Sunday following that exchange. I told her "no". Because I asked her 6 to 8 weeks before to coordinate her schedule with me, she didn't.

What is the current contact? There is none. We have just been for the most part following a non-verbal agreement and going with the flow.

Are you in agreement on amount of time/percentage of time? I like 70% but know I will only get 50%. My ex I don't know and this is speculation feel wants more time.

Why are the children being treated differently? One being dropped to mum at bedtime, the other staying wjth you and being dropped to school? Is this because of your working pattern and having family support for drop offs? Or is this some other reason? My ex won't take me up on my offer to help with the children on the days she has them. This has left to them missing activities that my ex and I agreed on. Not knowing my ex's schedule for work since she won't disclose it, the unknown if my ex is working when she has the children, and if working when she has my children not taking me up on helping with the children the children may miss out on school or extracurricular activities.

You haven't said how old the kids are. I think that makes a difference. I also don't understand the random Saturday in week 2, more handovers for the kids (which kids naturally find tricky) why isn't it a full weekend at each parents house? Things can't control. My ex doesn't go out of the house often when home. We both work 12 to 13 hours three to four days a week. Doesn't feed the children proper nutritious food. Day of exchange my oldest comes over hungry. Unknown if my ex bathes the children. Lately they have been bathed but her history doesn't bathe them off. Ex doesn't have a good track record of cleaning the house either. Per my oldest mentions lot of flies at my ex's place.

Your message comes across as you've decided this plan, ex must agree, and if ex doesn't agree then you will take then to court. It doesn't come across collaborative, but more about what you want (no mention of the kid's needs). I have tried to discuss with my ex four times this will be the fifth time.

How old are your children?

Sorry forgot to mention that part year old almost and six.

Unfortunately, you do not get to decide what happens when the children are with your ex. Just as she doesn't get to decide things when they kids are with you. You will have to get used to every decision not being discussed with you, not getting the final day, and maybe not even knowing. Your examples of extra curriculars and what food they eat when with your ex- not your decision to make when they are with her. Things at your ex's home will not be done the way you would want it done. That is part of coparenting, and you will have to get used to it. Unless it is a safeguarding risk, then you need to go through the appropriate channels.

Honestly, if i was your ex i would also not be sharing my work schedule, or other smaller details like what they eat for dinner. Everything appears to be a battle, with a lot of conflict. If you continue to battle with your ex about all of these things that you mention, then this will continue to be a high conflict situation and ultimately your kids miss out. You have many years of coparenting left.

I would suggest you follow jayskibbens on instagram. He explains how you can only control your home with the kids and the way you deal with it, among other things.

It doesn't sound reasonable to me because neither parent gets a 'full' weekend with the children. So I'd want it amended for that reason.

I agree that you definitely need a consistent schedule and ex needs to stop being so weird about communicating with you. I do think the above is a bit over complicated, especially the split of holidays. We do 1 week out of every 2 week break and then alternate half terms, and over Christmas we alternate the week with 25th in it so we have every other Christmas with SD. That works well when her Mum sticks to it.

You'll need to start with mediation and if she won't mediate then you can go to court. It will go against her in court.

Not saying I am controlling about what goes on at my ex. The only thing is the schedule. Like to know the work schedule so we can plan and not be in the dark. Outside of that, ex and I are parallel parents for the most part.

But if she has childcare in place for the time with her then that's okay surely and you don't need to know her exact pattern? I think you need to let go some of the things mentioned as you cannot control that.

So you don't have a set pattern at the moment? I'd definitely push for set contact schedule - perhaps send in writing suggesting mediation. If she won't mediate then go to court.

Co-parenting is tough and you definitely have to pick your battles.