Things to make living between two houses easier -positive stories please!

[Babysteps123]

I am currently separating from the father of my child. My son's dad is staying the family home and I am buying somewhere less than a 10 minute drive away. I am devastated that it has come to this, but it is me who has finally pushed for the separation because I have been unhappy for a long time and there is no hope for change. That being said, I think once the dust has settled we will be able to co-parent well, and we definitely both love our son dearly and want what's best for him in these difficult circumstances.
So, what I would love is some advice from parents who have been through this or from grown-up children who experienced living between two houses growing up. I would love to hear some success stories. There are plenty of horror stories on here, but I would love to start a positive thread where people could post their positive experiences of living between two homes and what it was about what you / your parents did that made it a success.
For context, my son is almost 6 and we will be splitting 60/40 during the week (3 days with parent A, 2 with parent B (sticking to a pattern of responsibility that we have in the family home now anyway) and every other weekend, with flexibility for special occasions etc.

Following with interest. I too will be the one to move out of the family home and I’m moving around 2-3 miles away. I’m moving this weekend and I was the one to ask for a separation. My oldest is a teenager so it’s trickier but we are hoping for 50-50.

Following, not got to this stage yet but dreading it. Any good tips that might make a shit show a bit less shitty will be very welcome. One random thing that keeps me awake at 3 am is what to do with DCs cuddly toy when you’re swapping over on a school day. Do they just take a bag of stuff to school or does poor kid just have to suck it up and leave the special teddy in one place. I know this seems like a little thing but there are so many little heartbreaks that I am dreading. I know it all becomes “the new normal” and I know lots of people do it and lots of kids grow up like this to be great people with good relationships with both parents but it all just seems so hard right now.

We tried to have two of as many things as possible, but we did also put a few things (cuddly toy, iPad) in her rucksack to primary school. The iPad was hidden in her bag but we knew it was a big risk, luckily never got nicked. Other stuff was exchanged on the weekend pickup (we did 4,4,3,3 so there was always a Wednesday change and a weekend change, alternating between Saturday and Sunday). Now at secondary school there are two many books so I drop a bag into a box outside her dad’s after dropping her at school before heading to work. I also have a drop box outside my house that he can use if needed.
An informal parenting agreement document (you can download templates off the internet) to clarify what happens on birthdays, holidays and other special events. Parenting rules also clarified to try and be as consistent across both houses as possible. For example, the screen time allowed, the amount of sweets allowed.
This might sound mad but we kept a joint account, paid child benefit into it plus a small monthly sum to be used only for uniforms, school trips, clubs. Never let it go above £500.
I’m not saying it is easy as my ex’s mental health issues make it a nightmare at times but it would have been even harder without these things.

I do 50/50 with my ex. The best thing for us is having (mostly) absolutely everything you need in each house. So no bags going back and forth. We do all changeovers at school so they only have their school bag. If you have an amicable ex, you could share sports kits and the like. I don’t so we have our own kits so they don’t have to go back and forth. The only exception is school books, my eldest is at secondary so has lots of books, we drop these separately on handover day.

I would definitely recommend no bags if possible. They can have a special teddy at yours and one at Dads etc. And have a “home” in both houses.

I don’t think ‘no bags’ is really possible. It is hard to have two laptops with identical content, for instance (not impossible of always perfectly backed up to the cloud, but easier to just keep the laptop with you) and sports equipment, if they do any proper sport, is hard to duplicate at two houses. Also, if they read, it is ridiculous to buy two copies of every novel!

But duplication where possible and minimising bags is a good idea.

When I got divorced about 8 years ago, someone on this board wrote that coparenting worked best if the houses were within walking distance of one another. I managed to achieve that 2 years ago and it really makes a massive difference. If they forget something they can get it themselves (15 minute walk) and they often pop between houses to do things with either of us for a couple of hours if they want to or need to (I help with a lot of homework, for instance).

The other thing that really helps is an ability to bite your tongue! You are never going to agree on everything and children are more than capable of learning different expectations at different houses.

Finally, divorce is far from the only reason children split their time between houses. Some people have weekend houses, some go to boarding school. But you get this idea on here that splitting time between houses in divorce is a tragedy. With two capable parents it had its pluses as well as minuses. I think mine were thrilled by a change of house during Covid! The variety was a massive plus.

I always said I was never packing and unpacking and washing. So they have clothes at both places , they don’t have multiple of everything but it’s down the road so anything urgent can get dropped up / picked up. Now they take their make up etc between. I think it’s only really an issue when you live miles apart , the kids are old enough for house keys now so I’ll just wait in the car whilst they grab stuff / feed the hamster etc.

they adjusted so quickly ( and had two new homes) It’s really not that big of a deal and things settle fast so try not to be too anxious

My son does have a laptop which he takes back and forth, but he keeps that in his school bag so no extra bags as such. Totally get you’d share sports kits as definitely not ideal to buy two. For my sanity though, it works for us having 2 kits (luckily it’s only one sport and not too expensive). If they want to take anything small (like make-up etc) they just take themselves in school bags.

"With two capable parents"

Hmmm...

Does anyone have experience of the dads stepping up after separation, or will he just become Disney dad show boating at some fancy day out every other weekend while I'm sitting at home wondering where all their school cardigans have got to?

We haven't even got as far as planning where to live yet. My preference if we can afford it would be stay in walking distance of each other but I have to weigh this up against the financial implications for me and whether it's worth the stress and burdens that come with that.

My parents divorced when I was very young so my sister & I always had two homes. I can’t really remember my parents living together so it’s my normal. My parents had some different rules but broadly similar, the days we stayed with my dad were set (occasionally changed for big events) so we always knew where we would be and felt safe in our routine which I think is important for kids to feel settled. We always enjoyed going to my dad’s and we enjoyed coming back to my mum as we were happy in both houses.

our routine carried on into my 20s when I would still go and stay with my dad on his weekends haha

Mine is only 5 so no issues with laptops yet or big stuff like that.

But totally agree with having as much as possible at each house. He has all the clothes he needs, pyjamas, toys, books and whatever in both houses. We buy similar stuff (mine comes from Vinted or gifted second hand, his dad is daft enough to buy it new from Next...) and whatever comes home from one house just gets washed and put back in the wardrobe. It might or might not end up back at the original house, so we aren't precious.

Luckily we're only a mile apart so anything that DOES need handing over (school shoes, cricket kit usually) is an easy fix. And we both have parcel boxes outside our front doors which makes drop and dash of stuff much easier!

Yep, double of absolutely everything. If something gets brought to the other house on the left behind, don’t blame the child it’s not their fault. Try and be as amenable as you can with each other and with the child if things do get left another houses. I never make a big deal out of it. What will remind them gently the next week to double check , etc. We do handover on school days so just school bags are coming with them. And during the summer, it slightly different things may go back-and-forth. But again, try not to make a big deal out of this. He will soon start to see what needed where and when, and how it works with your schedule.

I have no idea if this works for you, but I know a few seperated people who still have a joint email address for school/nursery that they both can see.
it Saves any of the 'it only got sent to mum, but it was dads days and she didn't know to forward it as she assumed he got it, so the child has no dinosaur costume' type stuff.

You have to get on a trust each other enough to share this but I thought it worth mentioning as I saw it as a school office admin person a few times.

I’ll be duplicating most items - even a favourite toy I’ll buy another for my house. We have a tablet for each house and I will be buying an x box for mine soon too. They won’t be having to drag stuff between houses, everything will be there. Ex and I even went to the school uniform shop to purchase a big bag of uniform so DS has plenty in both houses.

@Beaniebobbins ,

I am a dad and, without blowing my own trumpet too much, I do at least (and I use that word advisedly) my fair share of parenting, including academics, sports, holidays, health, financial etc etc.

Dads get a very bad rap on here, although reading some of the stories, in many cases it is deserved, sadly.

Thank you for sharing your experience, that's exactly the kind of positive story I was hoping to hear!

Good luck with the move! I am waiting to exchange on the place I'm buying before we even tell our son, so it feels like the process is taking a really really long time and moving day seems like a long way off, but hopefully it won't take forever. I will also be moving just a couple of miles down the road, hoping it will keep things relatively easy if things are forgotten, but planning to have 2 of most things to avoid too much carrying of stuff backwards and forwards, no one wants to live out of a suitcase!

"Any good tips that might make a shit show a bit less shitty will be very welcome" EXACTLY the point of my thread :-) Maybe I should change the title...!

I've been doing this since DD was 5 and she's now 18. She still says she wishes we'd get back together although she also accepts that's not going to happen! The distance between the two houses is similar to yours and contact has been approx 50/50. Although she has some things at each house eg pyjamas, toiletries, etc we've also always been amicable about her things being her things regardless which household they originated in. It's also required a fair amount of patience when she hasn't brought what she needs for the next few days on a handover day whether that means taking her stuff she's forgotten, or taking her there to collect things she needs. After all it's not her fault she's ended up living between 2 houses (it's not my fault either as he had an affair but what's important is her wellbeing).

Having 2 of everything like games consoles and ideally sharing the info if child develops a new favourite. For example if he has a favourite hoodie then it’s easiest to have one at each house rather than him wanting to go round to the other house to pick it up. Not having to remember to take your favourite things to the other house will hopefully make each house feel equally good. I’ve heard stories on here where schools are not impressed when a child has an overnight bag because of limited space in the cloakroom.

Having a calendar or similar at each house so the child knows what’s happening when. Ideally the pattern would be predictable but if it can’t be because of shift work or something then a visual reminder like a calendar could help.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that my parents were very unhappily married but they didn't divorce. I'd never say this to my Mum because she thought she was doing the right thing but we'd definitely all have been happier if they weren't living together. I know it must be very difficult but if you are not happy then you are doing the right thing. Two happy parents in different houses is better than two miserable parents under one roof.

We've been 50/50 for 8 years, there is always a bag of stuff (uniform, trainers, cuddly, phones) that we swap, they don't have to take it to school though.

They have plenty of clothes at each house but now they're older they pack their favourites if they want to wear them. For us it's always worked, they definitely have 2 proper homes and we've generally always been amicable enough to be flexible

I’m sure you, and lots of other men, are wonderful. But the truth is, if my STBXH had shown any interest in parenting we probably wouldn’t be in the mess we are in. I feel like I’m going from being the project manager of a well run team to having to job share with the work exchange kid who doesn’t even know where the kettle is.

Living close by is really helpful. And getting stuff dropped of or collected is good. we are always around each others and my ex even has a key, for convenience, but I appreciate that may be a step too far!

In general though it’s always talking positively about your ex, keeping in regular contact, adding him to the school WhatsApp and behaving cordially around each other.

they will be in your life until the children are adults so it’s worth fostering a good relationship.

My advice / experience…

1. The child will get upset, they will miss one parent when they are at the other one. And they will say things like “I wish we could all live together”. But they will adapt to live with it.
2. Let go of the time they have with the other parent. Your ex will do things differently than you. And they will do things you wouldn’t do, and wouldn’t have done when together. But you’ve separated now and you each don’t get to control what the other does.
3. Try not to change nights / weekends around too much. Although you will each have special occasions, children value stability and certainty and changing the routine can be upsetting to them.

Good advice, thanks. The first one is so hard, because I wish we could all live together too, in theory, but in reality I hate it now. But I also wish things could have played out differently, as I'm sure most of us do.