Things to make living between two houses easier -positive stories please!

[Babysteps123]

I am currently separating from the father of my child. My son's dad is staying the family home and I am buying somewhere less than a 10 minute drive away. I am devastated that it has come to this, but it is me who has finally pushed for the separation because I have been unhappy for a long time and there is no hope for change. That being said, I think once the dust has settled we will be able to co-parent well, and we definitely both love our son dearly and want what's best for him in these difficult circumstances.
So, what I would love is some advice from parents who have been through this or from grown-up children who experienced living between two houses growing up. I would love to hear some success stories. There are plenty of horror stories on here, but I would love to start a positive thread where people could post their positive experiences of living between two homes and what it was about what you / your parents did that made it a success.
For context, my son is almost 6 and we will be splitting 60/40 during the week (3 days with parent A, 2 with parent B (sticking to a pattern of responsibility that we have in the family home now anyway) and every other weekend, with flexibility for special occasions etc.

My ex has hugely stepped up since separation to be fair to him. At first, he had to ask me about all activities, where they were, days and times, the lot. Now, he organises a lot of thier activities.

He’s massively stepped up and I’m pleased about that, he’s now in school group chats etc too so I don’t need to worry about every little thing. His day, his problem. He also buys the majority of thier clothes (sometimes I have to prompt him but he’s mainly on it), school uniform, trainers, sports kits etc. He’s a 6 figure earner and I am on benefits. All clothes and pyjamas go to both houses and he will sometimes check with me if I need anything for my house. It sometimes works out one of us has more clothes than the other and so we just divide in half.

he was a SHIT husband, but he’s turning out to be an excellent Dad.

back to your orinignal question @Babysteps123we tried to keep thier bedrooms exactly the same at both houses…. Furniture, groclocks, teddies, books, but we also bought exactly the same beds, mattresses, and bedding. My twins are in the loft room so I’ve removed thier duvets from covers as so hot and told him immediately so he did the same.
we have a ridiculous amount of YOTO players between us so each child has one on thier bedside table and one on each dining table.
Weve stuck to rules we always put in place before separation - ie.. no TV before school on a weekday, no screens at the table.
Ex ‘took’ the swing and slide set for his house so he bought me a 10ft trampoline for mine.
If either of us finds a Yoto card or book the boys love, we will generally buy another for the other house.

It’s HARD, but it sounds like you’re going into this with the best intentions for children.

My 6yr old also says the first point in this post…. It HURTS.
Ex and I both say same thing though “we were arguing so much, and that’s not good for you boys. We are separated and always will be, but friends now”

As a step mum I would say they having to transport as little as possible! My SS literally moves between homes with the clothes on his back and his laptop/ipad/phone and I will even turn the clothes around (washing wise), even if I have to do it overnight, ready for him to wear it back if they are one of his ‘staple’ outfits (teen boys seem to have an obsession with 3 sets of clothes 😂).

I agree with routine, even special holidays, kids need stability. We always took the view he has siblings with mum so he always spends Christmas Eve/Day with her and Boxing Day and the day after with us for example (we have no additional siblings here).

Always support and encourage their relationship with the other parent, this becomes easier the older they get with personal devices as they can call or text the other parent whenever they please then, but facilitate contact with the other parent even if they are with you. It sends the right message on so many levels.

No matter who gets a new partner always try to work together on parenting your children first and never put your partner in the position of mum or dad.

Always take the higher ground, always put them first and allow each parent to parent on their own merits. So long as it is actively parenting.

Be flexible and talk regularly! Knowing the ins and outs of things you can support each other to support your children properly.

Honestly, it’s taken a lot of years and SS mum leaving her DH for her boyfriend (who also has two children with his ex and they co-parent really well), for her to really respect DH’s position with his son, and SS is thriving because of it now and they get on much better co-parenting!

This is good to know. I think there was a lot of weaponised incompetence when they were really little but he’ll have to get over that. And as the kids get older they have much different needs. So he was terrible at letting them just sit and wet themselves or not noticing if they hadn’t got to the toilet in time when they were really little but they are older now so that’s not an issue any more.

My ex and I have emergency keys to each other’s houses, so if our daughter ever needs anything from the other house we can nip over and get it (obviously we text or phone first just to ask if it’s okay).

it also means that if my ex is out (with or without our daughter) and she’s left her dog at home, but has then got delayed (traffic or just something coming up) she can call me and ask me to go rescue the dog and take her for a walk and maybe feed her.

I was a teacher over several years for a young girl (8 to 11), whose parents were separated but coparented very well. They liked each other but were very different so things hadn't worked out. She had one week with mum, then one week with Dad. One of them was a social worker and one was a teacher and both worked hard to keep to a schedule. They both came to Parents Evening (usually separate appointments), and both took an active interest in her life.

She was the best adjusted child that I ever taught from a family that had split up, and was very mature for her age. She seemed to understand both of her parents well and occasionally would mention their strengths or weaknesses. It showed me how well it could work with a positive attitude from both parents and complete respect for each other, despite very different parenting styles. I wish OP the very best in the future.

Good luck @Babysteps123

For me it’s a very clear (kind & supportive) chat with your ex about certain practical things not belonging at Daddy’s or Mummy’s house.

My ex is a good dad but gotten into the habit of dropping them off and doing things like taking thier shoes off them before leaving when not logistically necessary. Sometimes it turns into a competition about who can buy the best crocs and it’s just rediculous. They grow so quickly and it’s such a waste of money and emotionally stressful.

He sometimes gets annoyed with me about not buying any shoes when I have recently bought 2 sets of uniform for both houses, pjama sets for both houses then I’ve bought raincoats and fleeces that are used for both.

Some things need to be both houses (pjs, uniform, underwear etc) but coats and shoes should be shared imo. It’s horrorible to see him whipping them off their backs.

DC 16 - think we have done as well as possible. Sadly, mostly learnt from what my parents didn’t do well:

• give younger children time to adjust between homes. They might be quiet, seem a little off or play up. Let them have some TV or something to adjust
• let them share what they did, be positive and encouraging. Fake it if needed
• aim for some consistency between houses - bedtime, homework etc
• share info with other parent. Try to deal with any school issues together
• adjust as they get older - they might need to change where they stay
• let DC talk about feelings, and ask questions about the divorce. Tell them they are welcome to ask
• try and do a few things together - birthday tea, Christmas mince pies
• enjoy your time off 🤣🤣
• do not bad mouth the other parent or show any hostility. DC will pick it up
• put the DC first

Yoiu’vw got this!!

Agree with pp stuff in both houses will help a lot

Try to have duplicates at each house so no packing.
Space at each house to play/have friends round. Both be involved in kids social lives/hobbies so kids don’t miss out.
Similar routines/parenting strategies.
Dont slate ex in front of kids.
Be positive about new partners.