Moving away from father of kids

[Panickypants]

Just looking for a sense check please!

I’ve been separated from father of my kids for five years. Horrible while we were together (15 years of passive ag, gas lighting, zero affection etc) so so unhappy - but very amicable since we split essentially because I have bent over backwards to keep it that way / make life easy for him and do everything I can to ensure my kids are happy.

I work full time in a demanding job and do 90% of the childcare outside of when I’m working. Financially I stand on my own two feet with a small maintenance payment from ex each month. I cover school fees. Not sure that this all really matters! Anyway …

A year ago I met the loveliest man. We adore each other - he’s my soul mate. He lives 2.5 hours away so our time without and with our kids together is very limited.

I really want to move to be close to him (not to even live together). I genuinely think it would be a lovely place for my kids to grow up (they are 8-12) with good schools etc (v limited options where I am now) and next year would be a good move year as eldest goes to secondary. The kids also love my partner to bits. He’s the father figure they wish they had (interesting / interested / relaxed).

Am I stuck where I am for the next ten years because this is where ex and I “settled”? Or could I move? Could ex stop me? I’d do everything I could to make sure he sees the kids as much as he does now (not much! And I am ALWAYS encouraging more). My new partner wouldn’t be able to move because of his work location (own business).

May be I’m living in LaLa land but I’ve had a life event that has made me appreciate how short life is, I’ve been so unhappy for so long. Waiting ten years before I can be with the love of my life makes me sad but may be that’s just tough.

No expectation of course, but ex could move. Zero local ties (we moved here knowing no one and he’s made two friends!). Was talking about selling his place recently. His aging parents actually live close to where I’d want go.

Please tell me if I’m being selfish (I genuinely think this would be an positive move for the kids) and it’s a pipe dream or can I take take back control of my happiness. Thank you!

How far apart do you live now?
how often does he see them now? You sat not much but how often?

im generali of the opinion you shouldn’t move . It fundamentally changes the dynamics of the relationship with their dad. They won’t want to go at weekends etc as they get into teen years and can’t be close to friends. Be able to do sports etc. so yes k do think its selfish. Generally living close means less rigidity and the ability to just pop in etc which teens often prefer.

your ex could try to stop you yes. He could go to court and get a prohibited steps order and if granted you would not be able to take the children away. The onus would be on you to demonstrate why it’s in the children’s best interests.

Separate to this even if your ex agreed to it I think it’s too soon.

a year is not a long time op so I personally think you should wait to uproot your kids - they should not be seeing your partner as a father figure etc ( I think you’re projecting that into them tbh) . It’s too soon and sounds like you’ve rushed things

Thank you for your honest advice. Yes perhaps running away with my thoughts.

Not projecting on kids. I say nothing to them, it’s the feedback they give me.

He lives ten minutes away and sees them one weekend day and night every other weekend (so the Fri night and Sat daytime or the Sat night and Sun daytime).

Sorry but it’s not normal your kids think of him like that, especially after you met only a year ago. You should only really now be introducing them, yet you already want to uproot them and they think of him as a father figure. Way too soon.You hardly really know each other.

im not saying that to be horrid. It’s understandable you get caught up in your own emotions and want to look forward to that future.

for me it’s too soon and your kids would absolutely not want to spend 5+ hours every other weekend to their dad - they’ll miss out on parties, sports, meeting with friends and feel left out etc, so rather than seeing him at least eow it will be most likely holidays by their choice , or they’ll be forced by the courts into a strict routine they don’t want and resent.

i stayed where I live for these reasons and as the kids got older they value actually just being able to go to dads on a more ad hoc basis , ie pop round for tea then come home or meet on Saturday for cinema then come back etc rather than scheduled time slot so yes I am using my own experience here but in all other friends I’ve seen the ones who live close are the most positive even though the parents might wish things were different!

Why do your kids see him as a father figure after a year’s long distance relationship? How long has he been in their lives? How often do you see him?

I think it’s too early to be considering moving your children. What happens if in reality he isn’t all he’s cracked up to be and you’re 2.5 hours away without a support system and the children have to face moving again. I’m not saying you have to wait 10 years but one year is nothing, especially when, given the distance, you can’t see him that often.

I would also say, even though you say you’d ensure they see their dad how would that work in reality? My children have friends whose dad lives a long way away and it realistically means they cannot do any weekend activities, they miss out on a lot and are exhausted a lot of the time.

I wouldn't be uprooting my children's lives for a man I've only known a year. You state that you don't see each other that often due to the distance involved. This means, you don't know him that well yet. You move closer to him, see him more regularly and then you realise you've made a huge mistake, and have to uproot your children again. Unfortunately, you need to stay where you are living until your children are older, certainly until they are old enough that a Court would take their views into account, and until you've been with this man much longer. Yes, your ex can take you to Court to prevent you moving, and there would likely be a more rigid plan of contact with their Dad, put in place by the Court too.

Speak to your ex. along the lines of “I remember you were talking about selling up and moving. Your parents aren’t getting any younger. Would you want to move closer to them?” type of convo and see what he says.

It would be really convenient if he was thinking of moving there and then it would be like you were also moving in line with his/their arrangements so he can’t start making trouble?

How far away would you be from them? Would it be a good thing?

You're too old to be behaving like this. You met this man a year ago and your time is "very limited" - you barely know him. Your children shouldn't even know him, let alone think of him as a father. And a "lovely man" wouldn't be playing happy families with a woman and children he just met.

Stop thinking like a teenager with a crush and put the children first. Of course you don't uproot their whole lives to be closer to a man you met five minutes ago.

I feel for you OP, but you are very much in the honey moon phase. Due to the limited amount of time you probably spend together due to the distance means you’ve probably only both been on your best behaviour!

Thanks so much all. All taken well and truly on board. Will check myself and continue as I am and see what happens over the years. Kids first. Thanks again.

I moved my kids away from their dad to be with a man who I had been in a relationship with for 2 years. I thought he was amazing. And he was for a bit. Until he wasn’t and it turns out he is a psycho and the police needed to be involved to end our relationship.

be very careful op. It is easy to be amazing when you don’t see each other often.

Too much too soon OP, especially for the kids. They shouldn’t need to move away from school, friends and their dad because they’ve told you they like this relative stranger while you’re fully in the honeymoon period (the long distance will extend that time!). For me I wouldn’t have let them meet so soon, particularly as the guy lives so far away and you can’t see him every day. This is someone for you to enjoy while the kids are with their dad. He might not be the best dad, but he is theirs.

It's all hearts and flowers now but after only a year of a long distance relationship you don't know the man well enough to uproot your children. He may be lovely now but day in day out the mask can quickly slip as Wish44 said.

Plus you really shouldn't be talking about him as a father figure when they already have a dad. If the shoe was on the other foot and their dad was saying the same about his new GF how would you feel?

Stay where you are, see how the relationship goes and put your kids first. They will be in your life probably a lot longer than Mr New Man. And if he's worth waiting for, he'll also wait for you.

If he was thinking of moving the same way to be near his parents, and you move but not in with your boyfriend (it's probably too soon in the relationship for that) then maybe it could work for everyone, given that you said it might be better schools and lifestyle for your children. I think if Dad is staying, you would be unreasonable to move them from him. It doesn't matter if you think your boyfriend is a better father figure, he isn't their Dad and having the best relationship they can with their Dad is in their best interests. It would also be very annoying for them to have to spend so much time traveling to spend time with him, and take away from other things that they want to do on weekends.

The replies must have been hard to read and it's a credit to you that you've taken them on board.

I agree with previous posters to not move your children for your relationship. Particularly away from their father. However, if you think it a good idea to move to the area regardless of the relationship, no harm in discussing with your ex to all move, and he can be closer to his parents. Then, you can see more of your partner and continue to develop the relationship. If it doesn’t work out not a problem as it was not the prime reason for moving so you stay anyway.

Why can’t the new man move to be near you?

It says in the OP because he owns a business where he lives

He’s the father figure they wish they had (interesting / interested / relaxed).

After you’ve known him 12 months? How long have your children known him?

Oh dear. You sound like the OW my husband isn't having an affair with!!

She's naive too. 🤣

Thank you all, genuinely. I’m not a selfish person, I always try my best to do right by everyone around me. I think I’ve just got ahead of myself, love-bubbled where I’ve never been loved - whatever - but I genuinely will sit tight. None of my suggestion came from a bad place and I think you could tell I knew probably knew I was being silly and I just needed a head rattle! Will do what I need to do. If it’s worth it, it will wait. No need for any more input! But thank you again.

Sorry one last thing - yes silly and OTT of me to say re father figure. My bad. I am just so constantly sad and dissapointed with how little interest their own dad has in them / spending time with them (I have to ask/encourage him to see them and when he does he largely sits on his phone / is inpatient and snappy - never phones them or really chats to them). They don’t want to see him, are ok when with him (because they are left on screens) and then report back how bored they were/that he was being grumpy, why can’t they just stay with me. It breaks my heart but I’ve always “kept at it” with him in the hope it changes.

I don’t think you should move. You’ve known this guy one year, and have little free time to spend with him. I don’t even think it’s a good idea deciding someone is your ‘soul mate’ after one year… you’re in the first rush of love, and I’m sure everyone thinks that about anyone they’ve only been in love with for a year… it takes time for the excitement to pass, and the real dynamics of your relationship to become apparent. Don’t move your children for a relationship that may end.

Agree this sounds too much for a boyfriend of a year - your soul mate, your kids love him etc. No doubt you’d have said as much about your ex one year in and look how that turned out. I’d be way more cautious if I were you and not plan my life and my kids’ lives around this still relatively new man. Whatever you think of their dad, he’s their father, it’s more important they’re close to him than the next guy.

Go for it. But be willing to do ALL the transportation to let him see the kids. You’re entitled to be happy & it’s neither of you hometown. He will probably demand more contact in early day (to be a dick) but he’ll tire of that.
I wouldn’t normally advocate this but he’s hardly father of the bloody year - once a week when he’s ten mins away. Eff him.