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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Should I go back

32 replies

Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 14:12

This is new to me so please be gentle. Six weeks ago I left my husband. I took the kids and we're currently staying with my parents.
My husband is very controlling and I can see that since I left. I walked away because he hit me Infront of our eldest. He's hit me before but never when the kids were around.
He has only seen the kids once since I left. This has been really hard on the eldest two who cry and ask if dad doesn't love them anymore. I tell them he does but he's busy with work and finding it hard being away from them. He doesn't seem worried about the effect it's having on our DDs.
He does talk to them alternative nights but I suspected (now know) he's been calling eldest on her mobile. Yesterday she was very excited because her dad has booked tickets to a water park for next weekend. I was glad he was seeing them. Then she said dad really wants you to come to and he's got you a ticket.
I feel sick. If I say I'm not going I will look like the bad guy again but I don't want to spend the day pretending everything is fine and confusing our children again.
I hate him for doing this to me but obviously our kids think it's great.
I haven't talked to him about this but I know there's no point. When I first asked him to see the kids more he said it was my fault he didn't see them every day (which it is because I left) and I needed to stop focusing on the bad things and concentrate on the good things. He said he wants our marriage to work.
I'm torn between going back or keeping going with the separation. I love my kids so much and thought I was doing the right thing walking away but they are so upset that I think perhaps I should go back
Anyone going through this? I could really do with some support or advice.

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 15/07/2025 06:28

Confusdworriedmum · 14/07/2025 23:47

I have texted my ex to tell him I'm not going on the weekend. I don't want to get in to the habit of lying to him. He's kicked off like I knew he would. Saying he'd spent a load of money on my ticket and couldn't I put the kids first for one day.
I haven't responded but his response really hurts. All I have tried to do is put our children first.
I feel like he's still in control and I don't know if or how to stop him. I don't know if I should just do what he wants (not go back to him but other things) and keep the peace.

Don't respond. He is an out and out abuser. Your kids will see that one day.

Or you go back to him and it escalates and maybe he kills you.

Mackerelfillets · 15/07/2025 09:33

For once you are in control not him, that's why he's kicked off. He's tried to force you to do something by using the children and you've said no. Well done, that will have taken guts. Now you've made that brave decision you MUST follow through.

CheesusChristSuperstar · 15/07/2025 13:17

Mackerelfillets · 15/07/2025 09:33

For once you are in control not him, that's why he's kicked off. He's tried to force you to do something by using the children and you've said no. Well done, that will have taken guts. Now you've made that brave decision you MUST follow through.

Yes, this.
The fact he booked you a ticket without asking you first shows the arrogance of the man. Expecting you to do as he says and to always be available for whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. Well done for saying no, it must have been a big surprise to him. Say it more, get used to the idea that you matter too. Your life (and that of your children) don't need to revolve around this abusive, violent man.

seven201 · 15/07/2025 23:12

You can be in control now. You’ve told him you’re not going, so you are not going. Do NOT back down.

do it for you, do it for your kids. It will fuck your kids up living in such an abusive family. It will be much better for them for you to be free from your abuser.

unsync · 15/07/2025 23:46

Don't go back. Do start planning your life without him. Get support to deal with the abuse. See a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. Get your finances sorted out.

Grey rock your soon to be ex-husband. He will try every trick in the abuser's handbook to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. Learn about them, once you see it for what it is, it will make things easier for you.

LongleyFarm · 15/07/2025 23:55

Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 17:23

Is it usual for men to hit their children? I can't imagine him even doing that but is it safe for them to go with him if he might loose his temper. I'd much rather he hit me than them.
Although I can't stop him anyway as he is their dad.
Do you think I need to worry more about DD? Like I said she's clingy but doesn't say much except she wants to go home

It’s not unusual for men to hit anyone, but it is illegal. You should not go to the water park and you should report the assaults on you to the police.

LongleyFarm · 16/07/2025 00:04

Confusdworriedmum · 14/07/2025 23:47

I have texted my ex to tell him I'm not going on the weekend. I don't want to get in to the habit of lying to him. He's kicked off like I knew he would. Saying he'd spent a load of money on my ticket and couldn't I put the kids first for one day.
I haven't responded but his response really hurts. All I have tried to do is put our children first.
I feel like he's still in control and I don't know if or how to stop him. I don't know if I should just do what he wants (not go back to him but other things) and keep the peace.

I think you should take all the text messages to your local police station and report the assaults. Abusers kick off when they realise they are losing their power over you.

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