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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Should I go back

32 replies

Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 14:12

This is new to me so please be gentle. Six weeks ago I left my husband. I took the kids and we're currently staying with my parents.
My husband is very controlling and I can see that since I left. I walked away because he hit me Infront of our eldest. He's hit me before but never when the kids were around.
He has only seen the kids once since I left. This has been really hard on the eldest two who cry and ask if dad doesn't love them anymore. I tell them he does but he's busy with work and finding it hard being away from them. He doesn't seem worried about the effect it's having on our DDs.
He does talk to them alternative nights but I suspected (now know) he's been calling eldest on her mobile. Yesterday she was very excited because her dad has booked tickets to a water park for next weekend. I was glad he was seeing them. Then she said dad really wants you to come to and he's got you a ticket.
I feel sick. If I say I'm not going I will look like the bad guy again but I don't want to spend the day pretending everything is fine and confusing our children again.
I hate him for doing this to me but obviously our kids think it's great.
I haven't talked to him about this but I know there's no point. When I first asked him to see the kids more he said it was my fault he didn't see them every day (which it is because I left) and I needed to stop focusing on the bad things and concentrate on the good things. He said he wants our marriage to work.
I'm torn between going back or keeping going with the separation. I love my kids so much and thought I was doing the right thing walking away but they are so upset that I think perhaps I should go back
Anyone going through this? I could really do with some support or advice.

OP posts:
Mooselooseinmyhoose · 13/07/2025 14:15

No. Absolutely not. He hits you. Doesn't matter if it was in front of kids or not.

You were so strong in getting out. The initial changes are always hard. They will get easier. Ask for him to put in writing what days and nights he has the kids. Start divorce proceedings.

What would you say to a friend or one of your kids if they explained their life to you and send they were thinking of going back?

Its really tough now but it will get easier. Don't go back!

happygoluckykindagal · 13/07/2025 14:19

JESUS CHRIST DO NOT GO BACK HES CONTROLLING AND HE HAS HIT YOU! He is now using the children as weapons against you!

let them go to the water park with him and the day before you make a few trips to the toilet and say to your children you are sick. And then on the monring of you are still sick so can’t go. The children’s feelings are spared and your not giving into his manipulation

Original poster
Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 14:39

I suppose I'm just worried about him cancelling the whole thing if I say I'm not going (even if it's because I'm "sick"). I hope he wouldn't do that but I'm not sure.
The kids are just so sad. They want to go home. Eldest has become so clingy and I can't even go to the toilet without her following me (she doesn't come in the bathroom but will hang around outside); and school mornings have been really tough.Apparently on the one time she saw her dad she was clingy with him too. I know she's upset and adjusting but her constant asks for us all to go back home are heartbreaking.

OP posts:
CheesusChristSuperstar · 13/07/2025 14:40

No you don't return to someone who physically abuses you and who is now using your children to emotionally blackmail you. It is not your fault that he doesn't see the children every day because you left, it is his fault for being an abusive partner that you totally reasonably needed to leave.

Don't return to him, work on having a life for you and your children away from this abusive partner and father. A good father does not abuse their children's mother. He is not a good father and not a good partner. He is abusive.

Build that new, safe life for you and your children, one small step at a time, away from him.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 13/07/2025 14:42

Do not go back to him. You've made the biggest step, carry on ... to a better life for you abd your children.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/07/2025 14:46

No no no don't.

Richiewoo · 13/07/2025 15:21

Do not go back you've taken the hardest step leaving. The kids will get used to it. In the long run. Its best for kids. In time he'd probably hit them too.

millymollymoomoo · 13/07/2025 16:02

No don’t go back

also don’t make excuses re the water park or pretend you’re sick

just say to the kids that you’re happy they want to go with dad but you’re not going. If dad cancels that’s on him not you

Ilovemychocolate · 13/07/2025 16:08

What if you go back and he decides to start hitting the kids??
DO NOT go back to him, do not go to the water park, do not engage with him…he is still trying to control you!
Stay strong, you’ve done the hardest part, you’ve absolutely got this!

Satisfiedkitty · 13/07/2025 16:13

Don't go back and don't go to the waterpark.

Well done for leaving him, now you need to learn to put some strong boundaries in place and learn to heal. Read up on the cycle of abuse, and you will see that he trying to hook you and hoover you in. He's going into victim mode, and he'll use the children because he knows that they will be your weak spot.

Try and go as low contact as possible.

Original poster
Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 17:23

Is it usual for men to hit their children? I can't imagine him even doing that but is it safe for them to go with him if he might loose his temper. I'd much rather he hit me than them.
Although I can't stop him anyway as he is their dad.
Do you think I need to worry more about DD? Like I said she's clingy but doesn't say much except she wants to go home

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 13/07/2025 17:47

Absolutely do not go back to him. The kids will soon adjust and you'd be teaching them a horrible lesson if you went back when they know he's hit you.

As for the water park a quick "How lovely of Dad to take you but it's your time with him and I'll be here when you get back". Don't let him push you in to going. If he cancels then you find something else lovely to do with them

Ilovemychocolate · 13/07/2025 17:52

Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 17:23

Is it usual for men to hit their children? I can't imagine him even doing that but is it safe for them to go with him if he might loose his temper. I'd much rather he hit me than them.
Although I can't stop him anyway as he is their dad.
Do you think I need to worry more about DD? Like I said she's clingy but doesn't say much except she wants to go home

No it’s not, but it’s also not normal to hit your wife, but that happened didn’t it?

Sally2791 · 13/07/2025 17:54

No way should you go!

Original poster
Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 18:11

I know you are all right and as I said I really don't want to go out and play happy families. It's so hard. I've had years of him telling me what to do I find it really hard to ignore him and do what I think is right.
I think I still feel guilty for leaving him and taking the kids. Deep down I know it was the right decision but I feel guilty for depriving him of his children and depriving them of their dad

OP posts:
Ilovemychocolate · 13/07/2025 19:24

One day your kids will thank you for this.
Yes it’s hard but he doesn’t deserve to be a full time dad, and you know that.
At some point you MUST think about yourself as well…if your dd was in your position would you advise her to go back?
Of course you wouldn’t.
You have been incredibly brave so far, don’t give up now.
You MUST protect your kids as much as possible!

2025ismybestyear · 13/07/2025 19:27

I ended my marriage. A while later it became apparent that ex h wasn't stepping up. I briefly considered having him back so my kids would have a dad. Child 2 was very clear I was not to do that, later child 1 and 3 both said same.

This man hits you. You must never go back. I'd be inclined not to let him see the kids tbh. He's not a good dad.

Mackerelfillets · 13/07/2025 20:47

Confusdworriedmum · 13/07/2025 18:11

I know you are all right and as I said I really don't want to go out and play happy families. It's so hard. I've had years of him telling me what to do I find it really hard to ignore him and do what I think is right.
I think I still feel guilty for leaving him and taking the kids. Deep down I know it was the right decision but I feel guilty for depriving him of his children and depriving them of their dad

You haven't deprived him of his children, he did that to himself with his behaviour and hitting you. You are showing your children what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship. Go to the watermark if you want to, it might remind you why you left, but make sure he knows your NOT GOING BACK.

Willowskyblue · 13/07/2025 20:51

If he can hit you in front of DC, will he hit them when they’re teens and have a mind of their own? I wouldn’t risk it, and wouldn’t risk him hurting you physically more seriously than he already has.

Yellowshirt · 13/07/2025 21:01

Don't go back. Your husband is abuser and will never change.
I should have walked away when my ex wife did it to me but I was stupid enough to hang around for 2 more years whilst the controlling and financial abuse continued.
I regret not calling the police as well but she persuaded me not to as she is a secondary school teacher and claimed it would affect her job.
Start thinking about divorce before your husband has time to start hiding things. Now is the time to switch on. And pay a little extra for a good solicitor.

AnotherGreyMorning · 13/07/2025 22:43

No.

It only ever gets worse.

You've done it. Well done. Stay away from him.

Original poster
Confusdworriedmum · 14/07/2025 23:47

I have texted my ex to tell him I'm not going on the weekend. I don't want to get in to the habit of lying to him. He's kicked off like I knew he would. Saying he'd spent a load of money on my ticket and couldn't I put the kids first for one day.
I haven't responded but his response really hurts. All I have tried to do is put our children first.
I feel like he's still in control and I don't know if or how to stop him. I don't know if I should just do what he wants (not go back to him but other things) and keep the peace.

OP posts:
AnotherGreyMorning · 15/07/2025 05:02

You can never keep the peace with him. Keep on your path. Engage as little as possible

HelsinkiLights · 15/07/2025 05:21

Why on earth should you keep the peace?
Your H is abusing you & it sounds like he has worn you down to accept it.
As this is what these abusive men do, take away your confidence & wear you down to control you.
And then they start on the children!
How do I know? It happened to my DM then her H started hitting me & my siblings.

Your H is a real piece of shit saying to you "why can't you you put the children first"
He should have bloody thought about that from the very first time that he hit you.

I do understand how worn down you feel & anxious but you've been very brave & put your children first by leaving.

Womens Aid & Refuge are there to help when/if you need them
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
https://refuge.org.uk

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Newnamehiwhodis · 15/07/2025 05:26

NO. Under no circumstances should you go back. It will get worse. Please don’t