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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How is it fair...or is it?

51 replies

Amicablecouple · 02/07/2025 10:03

Hi everyone.

Full disclosure I am a man but a nice one :)

I would REALLY appreciate some advice as to whether this is a fair outcome and what could/can be done.

My soon to be ex-wife and I are in the process of divorcing after 16 years and 3 fantastic children. We have sorted the finances out (although have not quite completed the Consent Order yet as it is not time).

I have been running through our spread sheets for how our finances will look post divorce and it looks as though my wife will have around £1000 a month disposable income and I will have about £150 at best. My income is solely from my wages so after mortgage, household bills, food bill etc are paid this is what I will be left with......not much at all! My take home is around £2600/ month full time but as I am taking a lot less 'cash/'equity' as it is being offset against my pension (we have decided to do this so the kids keep their house but I would be better off if we split house and my pension - my soon to be ex wife does not have a pension). I will have to have a large mortgage to house myself and my 3 children (when they stay). I will only be able to afford a small 3 bedroom house so two children will have to share....another kick for them potentially not wanting to stay at Dad's :(

My ex-wife will have a large 5 bedroom house with large garden, each child with their own room, play room, games rooms etc etc

My Soon to be ex-wife on the other hand takes home £900/month part time but will be claiming UC or £1250/month, Child benefit or £265/month, Child maintenance from me of £450/month (depending on when the children stay with me but it will be around this figure minimum). Total £2865 but will have no mortgage (as she is keeping the house offset against my pension) so after all her household bill are paid she will have over £1000 disposable income.

We both agree that the children staying in the only home they have known if the only and best outcome we can consider as it is already showing that it is helping them massively at the time so they have the security of knowing that other than me moving out a lot of things will stay the same. I know this contributes to leaving me in this position financially. I DO NOT went to sell the house and split the equity as it will be the kids that lose out. This divorce is not their fault so I do not want to impact them any more than I have to.

Does anyone know if (income/living standard) is taken into account for child maintenance and/or Consent Order? I know future earning are in regards to Spousal Maintenance but this is different. Or is there something I am missing or is it a case of suck it up and suffer?!

With only £150 disposable income for me it will be very hard to have a life with the kids let alone thinking about birthdays/Christmas etc.

I am extremely worried that I will be left in a untenable position and that my relationship with the kids will also suffer.

Any help/advice or personal stories would be great appreciated.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicablecouple · 02/07/2025 13:58

Itsrainingloadshere · 02/07/2025 12:09

If you each have the children 50% of the time there is no child maintenance payments to pay. None at all. Unless you are a very high earner when I think there may be some. Are you in this category? Otherwise you won’t need to pay her. Yes she will still receive government child benefit if she’s the claimant but nothing from you.

Thank you but this is not quite correct.

CMS uses key factors to distinguish who pays and who receives the Child maintenance payment. The primary and overriding factor is who receives the Child Benefit (CB)....regardless of 50% care or who the children actually live with. The only way to have this changed is to have a 'shared lives with' court order. Even then CMS do charge the parent who is not receiving the CB. I have a few friends who have been down this road with CMS. They have had to end up at a tribunal spending a great deal of money in solicitors fees and gathering all kinds of spurious evidence to show that even though they have a 'Shared Lives With' Court order that they do in fact shared 50% of the kids upbringing.

It is a VERY poor system which uses a VERY broad brush to cast across which is primarily the male (as it is mainly most females which claim the CB when the kids are young...pre divorce

OP posts:
Bradley28 · 02/07/2025 13:58

I think you should look out for yourself much more than you are. Things will quickly change and not always remain amicable or predictable. What if she has a new relationship and lives in the house with someone else, while you are sacrificing? What if she sells the house and keeps the equity? How will your life be if you can’t afford to have basic pleasures- going out for a bite to eat, or having a quick drink? What if you have a large unexpected bill to pay?
Sell the family home and make sure you take care of your interests - and that of your children the best that you can. Being skint for years is no joke. You have to protect yourself and your children from whatever may come your way in the future.

millymollymoomoo · 02/07/2025 14:11

Imo you’re placing too much importance on a house which the kids don’t care one jot about while completing impact your finances. One unexpected bill and you’re screwed.

Kids can and do move all the time for a variety of reasons so I think you’d be much better up sell and split,

but up to you

millymollymoomoo · 02/07/2025 14:12

Completely agree with @Bradley28

what about when she moves a new guy into the house you paid for while you’re skint!

millymollymoomoo · 02/07/2025 14:13

You’re also not correct about the cms in shared care either

UnemployedNotRetired · 02/07/2025 15:58

So, what's stop your ex-wife selling the home and grabbing the equity and moving to a smaller place? Nothing, I assume.

If you're anywhere near 57, then a pension is close to being ready cash. Otherwise it's worth much less than having money now.

You're also wrong (or out of date) on CMS and shared care.

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2025 16:04

Honestly, I think it’s incredibly unlikely you have accounted for every expense, especially child related expenses, your wife will encounter that will quickly make your estimate of her disposable income inaccurate.

trailblazer42 · 02/07/2025 17:19

Have you had proper advice on the pension vs equity values? It's not considered pound for pound for such reasons. I'm looking at keeping an £80k pension against £50k equity in a second property, for example, because the equitiy is realisable now and useful money.

It would seem to make sense for your wife to release some equity to you in cash and for you to handover some pension. It doesn't have to be a 50/50 split that forces the sale.

Minnie798 · 02/07/2025 17:36

As your asking, I think you sacrificing a reasonable standard of living for yourself AND your children (when they are with you) just so that your ex can keep a five bed family home is ridiculous. The children will be staying with you up to three nights a week anyway and will soon adapt to a new, smaller home with mum. There are more bedrooms than children at the moment. Don't martyr yourself. Not even being able to treat your children to a nice day out will get old- fast.

Doidontimmm · 02/07/2025 17:38

You are completely wrong re cms

ScratCat · 02/07/2025 17:49

It sounds really unbalanced to me.

The Consent Order is meant to ensure fairness for both sides and that includes pensions, income, housing as well as the children and their arrangements.

You’re going to be both in a smaller house but also really struggling to meet even basic expenses. It’s simply not fair.

You need to sell the former family home, I can’t see any other solution that’s going to work.

NameChanged100thTime · 02/07/2025 18:03

I'm fairly certain you're incorrect about CMS, as someone mentioned above already. recently a solicitor explained that the starting point these days usually is 50/50 care, and if incomes are similar and financial split has been 50/50ish, there is likely no CMS involvement. Worth checking your facts on this with an actual solicitor/similar.

Mumofteenandtween · 02/07/2025 18:11

If you do have 50:50 care then if you go to child benefit and state this then you will probably get the child benefit for at least 1 child. She will then have to pay you maintenance for that child / children whilst you pay maintenance for the child / children she has child benefit for.

Coconutter24 · 02/07/2025 18:19

Amicablecouple · 02/07/2025 13:58

Thank you but this is not quite correct.

CMS uses key factors to distinguish who pays and who receives the Child maintenance payment. The primary and overriding factor is who receives the Child Benefit (CB)....regardless of 50% care or who the children actually live with. The only way to have this changed is to have a 'shared lives with' court order. Even then CMS do charge the parent who is not receiving the CB. I have a few friends who have been down this road with CMS. They have had to end up at a tribunal spending a great deal of money in solicitors fees and gathering all kinds of spurious evidence to show that even though they have a 'Shared Lives With' Court order that they do in fact shared 50% of the kids upbringing.

It is a VERY poor system which uses a VERY broad brush to cast across which is primarily the male (as it is mainly most females which claim the CB when the kids are young...pre divorce

Show quote history

Where did you get this information from because it doesn’t sound correct?

user65342 · 02/07/2025 18:26

The child benefit is used to define the paying and receiving parent but the calculation is then based on how care is split. If you have 3 children and never have them overnight then you would expect to pay about 20% of your gross pay. This would then be reduced by 1/7 for each overnight, so your calculation seems quite high. Also, are you sure she will get that much universal credit with no mortgage?

iamnotalemon · 02/07/2025 18:30

I don’t think it’s fair to you. I don’t know how old the children are but can’t their mum not work full time? A 5 bedroom house sounds a bit extravagant.

HuskyNew · 02/07/2025 18:32

Holdonforsummer · 02/07/2025 13:05

It does as seem as if the house is instead of your pension? If so, this could be fair but you have to wait to see the benefit of your part while she reaps the benefit straightaway.

This.
She may appear better off in the short term but she will also have the outgoings of a bigger house and more time with the kids. Teenagers are expensive.

Her income will go down as they get older (no CB, maintenance etc) whereas your salary will only go up. Plus you have the pensions and she has none.

NotDavidTennant · 02/07/2025 18:39

It only seems unfair because you're focusing on the financial disparity in the present and ignoring the fact that you're coming out of this with a nice pension while your wife gets nothing towards her retirement.

You're also ignoring the fact that as the resident parent your wife will presumably bear more of the costs of raising your children.

SpinandSing · 02/07/2025 18:41

Honestly, don't do this. It will put you at a massive disadvantage. You won't be able to treat your kids at all and you will get bitter and resentful while you see your ex-wife progress with her life. It's really not worth it for the pension. You need to live in the now...this is the childhood the kids will remember. I've seen it happen multiple times and every man I've seen it happen to would go back and change history if they could. It is never worth it.

ZoggyStirdust · 02/07/2025 18:43

Op you are incorrect regarding cms. The online calmly say some is due where there is 50:50 care but it is wrong. None would be paid.

secondly, you’ve offset pension against assets. Have you treated them as equal values? The current value of a pension is much lower than actual cash/equity and so normally a ratio is applied when it comes to splitting. Speak to a solicitor but it’s not uncommon to assume £1 of asset/equity is the same as £2 of pension

dont allow yourself to be treated unfairly. It’s for the benefit of your kids that both parents have a suitable home, and money to live. Not just one

millymollymoomoo · 02/07/2025 18:58

@HuskyNew her income should go up as she starts to work ft

her retirement is capital
appreciation on a large house which will generate more £ than a smaller one

LittlleMy · 02/07/2025 19:18

Minnie798 · 02/07/2025 17:36

As your asking, I think you sacrificing a reasonable standard of living for yourself AND your children (when they are with you) just so that your ex can keep a five bed family home is ridiculous. The children will be staying with you up to three nights a week anyway and will soon adapt to a new, smaller home with mum. There are more bedrooms than children at the moment. Don't martyr yourself. Not even being able to treat your children to a nice day out will get old- fast.

💯👍

Boilingtoday · 02/07/2025 19:24

You’re seeing separation and divorce in an outdated way. I think if you got legal advice based on your circumstances that would help.

I have also never heard of the child benefit/child maintenance scenario you describe. You can assume that most people on this board would have been through divorce in recent times themselves and they are saying the same.

strawberrysea · 02/07/2025 19:49

You’re being taken for a ride. I appreciate that you’re not in a position to spend £££ on solicitors but if you can seek legal advice I would.

April2018 · 02/07/2025 20:00

Amicablecouple · 02/07/2025 12:02

No unfortunately it is not based on overnights but who claims CB. I'm pretty sure my soon to be exw would not agree to me claiming even one of them as it would impact on her income :(

Even if I had the children 80% of the time as she claims the CB I would have to pay her......crazy CMS rules!!!!

Thank you though! You are obliviously a fair minded person for your husband to claim 1 of them.

Show quote history

Have you spoken with CMS?
I called them and they confirmed if 50/50 care there will be no maintenance payment required.

Myself and ex have decided to start an account that we will both have access to. He will transfer a set amount each month i will add a little. It will be used for uniform, clothes, clubs haircuts ect.