Mediation or social services? Difficulty with partners ex and child arrangements

[CutiepiePandapop25]

Hi,

Firstly excuse the essay!
I've been with my partner now for almost 3 years.
During this time his ex has been a challenge to put politely.
For many years she controlled the narrative and it was on her terms when he could see his daughter.
He has always paid maintenance and gave extra money for important things too like uniform etc
When he met myself and I explained it wasn't OK he couldn't have his daughter a couple of weekends a month he challenged this and she agreed.
She was difficult after a year of us together her even staying here despite myself having a daughter too.
To give an idea how controlling shes been for instance when it was their daughters birthday/christmas he was never allowed to have her and instead had to go infront of his exes whole family whilst she opened his presents infront of everyone.
His ex then separated from a long term partner and since then it's got so much worse.
She decided to eventually get a job then demands we help more she works 2 days which of course we were happy to do as he was given so little time with her before.
Naturally we also are not naiive that its also convenient to her and her new relationship now to have daughter less but either way we helped.
We then found out she wasn't living at home anymore and had moved in after a month or so of the relationship to her new partners with my partners daughter.
My partners child also has been awaiting diagnosis also for 2 years and struggles significantly with change and it dramatically affects her behaviour and wellbeing so it's been really difficult for her to cope.
His exes family was reaching out to him with concerns too.
Then out the blue she says she's going on holiday for a week and we have to have her.
When he explained we do have to book time off etc and that's unreasonable she's like tough.
We then find out from school she's ignored mental health support for their child on 2 occasions and gives us no update whatsoever with the diagnosis.
It's so difficult because there's no talking to her she lies so often and even my partners child with her additional needs too is a challenge to believe too at times.
So I'm unsure what to do? Do we speak to ss? Or mediation I'm fed up of the control and going by her life calendar it's cruel to use your child as a possession.
Also he's on birth certificate also just FYI so has rights too.
Hope can offer some advice here hopefully.
Thank you xx

First off, it is nothing to do with you.
Your partner needs to grown up nd apply for custody if things are so bad.
Giving money doesnt make a good father, having a backbone and applying for custody does.

TBH he doesnt sound like has much interest either. All the interest seems to come from you

He needed his new girlfriend to tell him to see his child more than EOW?

I would be very curious about the mother’s version of this

either way op…. Not your business, this is your boyfriends responsibility squarely, and I’m guessing you have your own children and ex (es) to deal with

Exactly. Interfering is probably making things worse.

To give an idea how controlling shes been for instance when it was their daughters birthday/christmas he was never allowed to have her and instead had to go infront of his exes whole family whilst she opened his presents infront of everyone.

oh boo hoo

what a spineless twit

and he couldn’t bring his own prezzies?

This - he wants contact or does. Relationship with ex is not going to get back. Court order apply for 50/50 and agree to mediation - costs about £220 to file to don’t need a solicitor. Demonstrating that he wants and is committed and is able to have her a week on and a week off - should be easy he can pick her up from nursery / school and drop her off every day etc and she has a bedroom etc

Coercive control is a thing and does happen to men too.
I agree this is ultimately his responsibility I just wanted to know if anyone else been in similar situation or had good advice.

What…. The girlfriend of a father who seems to be lack any kind of self
motivation himself to be more involved in his child’s life?

Your partner was already living with you less than a year in to the relationship when his ex came to also stay?

mind boggling

He needs to make an application to the family court to formalise arrangements in the child's best interests. If she is awaiting a dx (I assume autism?) then you are right that uncertainty is not in her best interests, she needs to know when she is with each parent.

He can ask for

• a lives with order that she lives with him (and you) and spends time with her mother
• a shared lives with order that she lives with both him and her mother (not at the same time! - it's a reflection of a child's reality of having two homes)
• a spends time with order, so that she lives with her mother and spends time with him

Typically a shared lives with order will be nearer to 50/50 than a lives with / spends time with order, although not always.

"Lives with" used to be known as residency, "spends time with" used to be contact.

At the same time he can ask for a specific issue order that medical information is shared.

As part of the process the court may ask for a s7 report to be done by Cafcass which is the social work branch dealing with private family law arrangements.

The court is not there to slap the mother's wrists about moving in with her partner too early or to say who is to blame for relationship breakdowns or anything like that - unless it's relevant to the child's best interests e.g. if there is a safeguarding concern over the mother's new partner.

If he’s spent a few minutes considering how he can be more involved, he’d have done this years ago.

You have spent more time thinking about this @WiggyPig than him

But nope…

OP focus on your own children

This is not a social services issues. If your partner is not happy with the current arrangements then he needs to obtain a child arrangements order. This will specify the times with each parent, and also any special arrangements such as birthdays, Christmas, school holidays ect.

However your post really does read as though it is you, rather than your partner, who actually wants him to have more contact with his child. Especially the bit about you having to explain to him that he should be able to see his child for a few weekends per month. Did he really not know this before he met you? If he genuinely didn’t realise this, then I would question whether he has additional care needs and perhaps needs some additional support services to help him manage daily tasks and relationships.

What do you expect social services to do?

It was more so because his daughter has additional needs and struggling with the unplanned days and changes. Also the fact she's planning on going away for a week without her and saying it's our problem to have her basically. We will always try work out arrangements but naturally do have to book time off etc so its been quite unreasonable. We just worry if we will be put in this position time and time again whenever she fancies a holiday!

Ah

bingo

I think we’re getting to the root of the OP’s “concern”

inconvenience

@Firstsipofcoffee no sorry you've misunderstood this completely his ex certainly hasn't ever moved in. Also to clarify he did bring his own prezzies 🤣

So your boyfriend doesn’t live with you?

It's not always that easy he had to move back home and she controlled when he could see their kid. Sadly unless it is through court not alot can be done. Not everyone is always in position to afford going through court too. So he took whatever she would let.

Indeed

but it looks like he’s lazy
and you’re pissed off by the inconvenience.

Sorry what?

@Firstsipofcoffee No not at all actually I just like anyone need to know when to book time off as does he that's pretty normal right?

Sadly unless it is through court not alot can be done. Not everyone is always in position to afford going through court too. So he took whatever she would let.

it’s a couple of hundred quid op (£220) to file and no solicitor needed

Sure

and you’re right to feel pissed off

but clearly that’s your concern

None of this nonsense about SS

It’s not mind boggling if you read the post correctly

The story with these men is always the same. It was too hard and too expensive to go to court and establish a custody schedule. They were forced to take the crumbs of contact given by their bitter exes until the new girlfriend came along and explained they were allowed more contact.

I don’t understand why women want to go on a first date with a man like this.

if he, not op, but he, wants to do better by his child, he will go to court and formalize the parenting schedule. He will have custody on days he works and be responsible for paying for childcare and doing school runs. He will not pawn off that responsibility on his girlfriend (note the mention that they need to take time off work because mom is going on holiday)

I can understand your concern for your partner OP. It is surprising how many men believe that have to fit in with their ex where their children are concerned, and don't know they have options.
I worked with a chap, whose wife cheated on him, and basically kicked him out of the house.

She then told him she was going to move hundreds of miles away with their children. He was distraught thinking he would never be able to see his DC again. I advised him to see a solicitor, as he has rights regarding his children, and he can take legal action to ensure he sees them, and to prevent her moving so far away. He had no idea he could do that. It wasn't because he was a coward, it was because he didn't know.

I believe because women have relationships where things like this are discussed with their friends, they are more 'in the know' than men, generally.