Mediation or social services? Difficulty with partners ex and child arrangements

[CutiepiePandapop25]

Hi,

Firstly excuse the essay!
I've been with my partner now for almost 3 years.
During this time his ex has been a challenge to put politely.
For many years she controlled the narrative and it was on her terms when he could see his daughter.
He has always paid maintenance and gave extra money for important things too like uniform etc
When he met myself and I explained it wasn't OK he couldn't have his daughter a couple of weekends a month he challenged this and she agreed.
She was difficult after a year of us together her even staying here despite myself having a daughter too.
To give an idea how controlling shes been for instance when it was their daughters birthday/christmas he was never allowed to have her and instead had to go infront of his exes whole family whilst she opened his presents infront of everyone.
His ex then separated from a long term partner and since then it's got so much worse.
She decided to eventually get a job then demands we help more she works 2 days which of course we were happy to do as he was given so little time with her before.
Naturally we also are not naiive that its also convenient to her and her new relationship now to have daughter less but either way we helped.
We then found out she wasn't living at home anymore and had moved in after a month or so of the relationship to her new partners with my partners daughter.
My partners child also has been awaiting diagnosis also for 2 years and struggles significantly with change and it dramatically affects her behaviour and wellbeing so it's been really difficult for her to cope.
His exes family was reaching out to him with concerns too.
Then out the blue she says she's going on holiday for a week and we have to have her.
When he explained we do have to book time off etc and that's unreasonable she's like tough.
We then find out from school she's ignored mental health support for their child on 2 occasions and gives us no update whatsoever with the diagnosis.
It's so difficult because there's no talking to her she lies so often and even my partners child with her additional needs too is a challenge to believe too at times.
So I'm unsure what to do? Do we speak to ss? Or mediation I'm fed up of the control and going by her life calendar it's cruel to use your child as a possession.
Also he's on birth certificate also just FYI so has rights too.
Hope can offer some advice here hopefully.
Thank you xx

This

He is diagnosed with adhd so at times can get overwhelmed himself.
When he left he went back to his parents and was there a few years till we met.
I appreciate those who have understanding and have useful advice on here that we can proactively look into further this was the whole point of this post. We just wasn't sure best avenue really as I know alot of the time they like you to do mediation before court. I only mentioned ss due to his daughters additional needs and how much its been affecting her plus the instability if her mum will be there at drop off or not.

I worked with a chap, whose wife cheated on him, and basically kicked him out of the house.
She then told him she was going to move hundreds of miles away with their children. He was distraught thinking he would never be able to see his DC again. I advised him to see a solicitor, as he has rights regarding his children, and he can take legal action to ensure he sees them, and to prevent her moving so far away. He had no idea he could do that. It wasn't because he was a coward, it was because he didn't know.

did he have learning difficulties?

No, no learning difficulties, just ignorance of his situation and the fact he could do something about it .

Pretty shocking that he didn’t try Google either. How does he think that people find out about their legal rights before conforming with a solicitor?

It's not uncommon for people to be overwhelmed by the thought of going to court and sometimes very nervous at the prospect. It feels easier to muddle along as you are until it's just not an option any more, and OP asked what to do at that point. She wasn't asking if her new partner is a wastrel who should have sorted this out long ago.

Your partner should get a Child Arrangement Order to protect his time with his child and stop her with withholding contact.

Be warned that it won’t stop her randomly booking holidays and expecting him to take care of the child at short notice.

As pp said it costs £230 plus a mediation session, no solicitors needed unless you’re going for a radical change like having her the majority of the time. It’s pretty sad that he needed you to kick him arse. If your relationship breaks down I hope he keeps him the contact and that contact schedule isn’t based on you doing the work.

‘Did he have learning difficulties ? ‘

What an unkind and pompous post !!
My DH was in the exact same position as the OPs partner He is an IT specialist with a first class honours degree in Physics .. he just has no idea and was so manipulated by his ex wife into believing that ANY dispute regarding the children would be detrimental to their welfare and that as he had left her, she got to call the shots. Full on parental alienation that took 3 years via the courts. Not expensive because I have a law degree so he self represented. However - enormously stress ful and
p time consuming. Along with the constant worry that the custody fight would damage the kids.

Long story short. We got 50/50 but the damage to the eldest was done by then and she was a teenager who chose to believe he had left her mother to bring 4 kids up alone and run off with me. Despite clear evidence that he met me 3 years after the separation and a year after the divorce was finalised but 6 years of indoctrination is hard for a child to fight and my DH feels that guilt still. As still questioning wether it might have been a happier outcome if he had just waited for her to grow up.

Some men are lazy bastards who just can’t be arsed but there are plenty out there who are scared it will cause their kids anguish especially if the mother is weaponising them against a spouse who has left them.

As for comments about you finding them an ‘inconvenience’ just ignore. Comments like this are invariably made by the terminally bitter - who look to denigrate any woman who is in a relationship with a man with his own children. It’s a bit pathetic so just ignore. You are quite right, taking on kids for a week when it’s not an emergency, unexpected and you both work - will always require some notice.

Some people just believe what their shitty exs say.
My SiL fully believed she had to tell her ex what she was doing with their DC every day.

Just another fella not that arsed about seeing much of his kid until a new girlfriend comes along to guilt him into it cos she’s dying to play stepmum.

Let me guess, you're planning to have more children with this prince of a man?

Ignore all the step mum haters on this post. Ask MN to move your post to the step parenting forum and you’ll get a v different set of responses.

To stop the mother controlling / messing around he needs to get a contact order (so she can’t dictate / control). He can apply to the courts himself (no need to pay a solicitor) - it costs circa £200. That will put a stop to her dictating contact.

SS won’t help (unless there is a welfare issue) and in my experience you can’t mediate with someone who thinks they are in charge. So I would take it straight to court.

He needs to make sure he’s registered with the school / doctors / dentist - so he gets copies of all communication. Absolutely no need to wait for the mother to tell him what she chooses. Cut her out and get contact direct.

Good luck 🤞

Of course she gets a big say in when her ex sees the child she’s mostly raising alone. That’s not controlling. She doesn’t sound like a great parent from what you have said, but then you clearly have a low opinion of her. She doesn’t sound controlling. You do. Your DP would probably be much happier if you both stopped trying to tell him what he should be doing and how he should be doing it.

@Slimagain Thank you for your understanding, kindness and advice here.

Was he not aware of google?

Thank you for this that's also really helpful information.
I am a mum myself too to my own 11 year old daughter so not "just" a step mum. Both his daughter and mine the last few years have formed a really lovely relationship and I care alot about her and her dad too. He isn't incapable, or stupid as some on here feel ok to say to a total stranger. With his adhd too its not laziness he just finds it difficult and overwhelming its a disorder and i wish sometimes there would be more love and understanding with this. Everyone sometimes just needs a helping hand/support or guidance at times hence my post.
I'm grateful to those who have offered genuine helpful advice and solutions. The nastiness and judgemental remarks not so much.

Wow. The first half of the post I could have written myself! I would suggest child arrangement order if not already done so, unfortunately my partner won’t go down that route but yours seems more willing. I sympathise and understand your frustration, people on here can be dicks l, especially regarding step parents and partners ex’s. THEY ARENT ALL NICE!

Why won’t your partner go down that route? Given it will almost certainly secure him proper access

Does he work and earn op?

It is just £220 to file